The Oracle
Everything You Know Is Wrong
The Oracle, Brad Lohr - November '99- 05:00 PST

Hey. You got weasels on your face.

See, that was the only thing missing from yesterday's column. Besides the obligitory Cows Factory turtles in weird places photo.. (see bottom of page for rectification).. a Weird Al/TMBG reference. Well, I'm sure other things were missing. But I nearly didn't have the humor to pull off today's column. You see.. I had a very hard battle this morning.

I drank a diet soda.

Diet soda removes my super powers. I am left defenseless while the evil liquid pours through my system, pillaging my poor cells and basically raping me internally. It really sucks, man. But I had to. I did it for $1300. But I tell you.. any less than that, and it just wouldn't have happened.

Anyhow, I am back in my super-powerful form, or something... and just in time. Here we are with another column. Only problem is, I'm homeless for a week or so. Lots of family over and all, so poof. Brad has no room. No room, means no column.. oh no!.. so Brad runs over to Spencer's place, and well, here I am. At like, 4am. It's all good, and I love you all very much of course.. so .. well, we'll begin shortly.

A big thanks goes out to all the people who voted for Heather in the contest. You guys rule, she has the most votes of anyone on the page... by quite a bit. As long as someone doesn't figure that somehow me summoning a massive horde of RPGamers to help is some form of cheating, (Hey, I didn't REQUIRE or pay you to vote that way..) she'll almost definitely win.. she's about 380 votes above the nearest in her category.. and about 200 above anyone else in the entire contest. You guys rule. You make-a Heather happy, and that make-a Brad happy. So happy, I could write a LONG column. And a long one shall I write.

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Recent Q&A's


The Old stuff
The Archives
Brad Now Playing:
Vandal Hearts 2
Dude. My name is Steve.
In Brad's Head
Skittles rule.. I mean, in a quintessential type of way. Almost dirty.. really.
There are a large number of things in this world that would be about 30x better if they tasted like skittles...
Like .. canadians.
Okay, I really have nothing against canadians. But they get so defensive when you tease them. :)
I will counter thee with my Blind Californian Rage! Wrraarrr!
Dolphin.. blow. Heh, heh, heh.. that's an FF7/8 joke.
All hail the Oracle. You have a place on my spacestation where we (I) will rule the universe. Anyways, I have a few questions...

Monkeys don't like space. The weightlessness pisses them off. And if you try to take over Antarctica while I'm down there, you're just gonna piss 'em off more. Don't mess, yo.

1. Have there been any reviews for Chrono Cross yet? I though it was suppossed to have been released in Japan by now.

I'm sure that there have been.. I haven't heard of any, and I don't speak any Japanese, (not even BAD Japanese.. oh the horror..!) So I don't actually have any words on what they've said. If I were actually at home and connected to the 'net right now, I'd talk to my newsbuddies and get you a better answer... okay, I'll stop bitching about not being home. :)

2. What do you think of Earthbound 64?

I never played it.. :)

3. How do you think that Dolphin will be compared to PlayStation 2?

Well, after being thouroughly disappointed with the N64's lack of games that even remotely interested me... I'm not going to buy a Dolphin. I will be buying a Playstation 2, probably the day of release.. not only am I a perlbitch, an O'Reilly bookbitch, I'm a PSXbitch. Oh the shame. ;)


Chrono Trigger Questions.. wow.. the old days...
Dude, I just downloaded a Crono Trigger Rom and I wonder... I wy wy wy wy wonder... how do I get out of 600 AD? I rescued the Queen and everything and now I have nothing to do! Point me in the right direction please!

After rescuing the Queen, you've got to go up to where Marle started to discorpificatify, and then she should recorpificatify.. (you know, get the star thing back into her body.. .. IT TINGLES...!) After that, you should be able to return. Oh yeah, and roms are bad.
Naughty boy. (giggle) Yeah right ;D

"Mom, did you see a guy with long blonde hair run by?"
You're back? Aww hell no. Why can't Thor come back? or is he coming back? I gots ta know.

-Ross Levine

Well, this is as good a time as any to bring this up. I don't think Thor's going to be coming back to the RPGamer Q&A column. Then again, I didn't think I'd be coming back. I originally was a temp replacement "until Thor came back" and.. well, we gave up, so that's why Google was brought in. Anyhow, I actually talked to Thor today, and while he has some semblance of limited access to the 'net, he doesn't have nearly the time needed to actually commit to anything. He has updated THoR, his homepage. Go Visit Thor! .. he did mention that he'd like to do a "Ryt + Thor" tag-team Q&A someday. So I don't think you've seen the last of him, and you know, Brad hooks you guys up. The anime chicks are lonely, however.. so if anyone needs some lovin' arms to fold into for a couple millenia, I'm renting out my basement full of anime chicks to the highest bidder.
I'm soooo happy your back! Me, your most biggest and bestest fan in the whole let me restate the WHOLE UNIVERSE! has a question for you. I am very interested in Parasite Eve2 since I loooved the first one. It is already out in Japan and I was wondering if you think importing it would be a good idea. I know imports are sometimes really great because they aren't sensored but I just need to know. Another observation i have made is that parts of the game are written in english(names etc.)but the dialouge is in japanese. In imported games can you still understand what's going on in the game even though the dialouge is in Japanese? Please let me know. YOUR MY LAST HOPE! :) Anyway thanks for your time and hey want to be friends?

Your most devoted fan,



Heh, thanks.. as for your PE2 question.. I don't know, I've actually never tried importing a game. I don't figure that RPGs are the best type of game to import, due to the fact that you're really missing out on an important part of the game if you just drop the storyline out of it.. but then, I've never been a big fan of importing. Do what you want on this one.. I personally wouldn't, but then, I also don't dance around the forest in my underwear, so we all know what a party pooper I am.

Disc 2 blues.. ooOohh yeahhhh...
Hey Brad

Wow, stop reading the column for a couple weeks and about 3 or 4 new Q&A guys come and go... Moving on to questions.

Was the second disc of Xenogears rushed in any way? It seemed almost like it was thrown together in the "story-telling" style used. It was almost too boring to play.


As I may have stated in my previous columns.. (Can't remember, too many skittles X_x .. ) I was also severely disappointed with Xenogears' 2nd disc. I mean, was it just that they ran out of time? Did they think they were really being clever? I don't know.. looks like a rush job right before a deadline to me. pfft.

Rub the ego, rub it, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!
I am proud of you. Very, very proud. You've landed yourself one hell of a woman. Congratulations.


Hell yeah, she's great. And the best part is the part you can't see. She's an utter geek. She digs Linux, computers, programming and all the other finer things of anti-social life. And she's an internet celebrity in her own right, doing help out on C|Net's Builder Buzz.. so yeah.. I'd say she's quite something. ;) She's actually laying right here next to me, completely oblivious as to what horrendously sappy things I'm writing about her. If I don't show up next weekend, I'm in the doghouse. :D

Talk to the expert! .. wait, I'm an exp.. OH YEAH

... dude.

Thanks for the extra-long introduction. *sarcasm*

Hey Rufio, why don't you go suck on a dead dog's nose.

Now that the mood is set for this letter.... I'm glad someone else has seen Fight Club other than me. That has to be one of the most psycotic movies I've ever seen. It rocked.

I dug it too. I said that, didn't I..

About these endless letters about anime: I believe this is a question & answer column. Nowhere in this column does it say that letters have to be about RPGs. Granted this is on a RPG website, questions could possibly be on any subject.

I think if you ask me a weird enough or just interesting enough question, I'm going to throw it in the column and do something with it. I mean, people start getting pissy with me when I stray off RPGs too much (as Google has found out recently)... but come on, this is RPGamer, we don't deal with games here, we deal with gamers. Gamers do weird things like .. vote for my g/f .. er.. read TOF.. er.. sorry. At least two or three of us have other things we do during our days other than playing games.. so this column is not to be restricted to just the games themselves, but more to the gamers. If it interests them, then boom, it is in the column's intrest. But that doesn't mean I'm going to spend a week dealing with Anime every question. 'Course, I only do weekends now, but if you think you'll trap me into a subject, well, I'll sleep deprive myself and THEN where will you be..? HMMMmM? So nyah. Or something. That was a long response.

Now, I'm currently playing LUNAR(yes, I'm a procastinator. I had to run out and buy it before it went out of print), and I have to say, that so far, it is the funniest RPG I've ever played. I crack up laughing every five minutes. So, have you played this game(I can't remember you telling us you have)?

Yeah, I beat Lunar just after it came out.. a lot came out during that time, in which a lot of it was a blur.. but I tell you, WD did an awesome job americanizing the game for us. Mad props to the bro's out on WD's hood, yo.

Now, my real questions. I have missed out on many Playstation RPGs because of my stupid loyality to Nintendo. I've caught up now, almost. I need to know whether or not it would be prudent to pick up Suikoden 1 & 2 and Vandal Hearts 1 & 2. Haven't picked up Wild ARMs either. Now, I haven't picked up FF8 yet, but I don't feel like I have to get it right away. I love games with good plots, and a good battle system; my favorite two games so far are FFT and Xenogears(LUNAR will join as soon as I beat it). So, do you think I should stop and pick up on these classics before it's too late, or do you think I should pick up FF8 and the newer ones and just forget the older games?

I love both Suikoden 1 and 2. Vandal Hearts 1 runs a contention for best TacRPG I've played, (okay, so I'm a sucker for LOTS AND LOTS of folk in battle, hush, Curtis, you just can't handle the rodeo burger.) As for Vandal Hearts 2.. well, I'm kinda on the fence with it. It's got a few people (I'm up to 8 now .. ) but this whole battle system is really annoying.. I mean, you move at the SAME EXACT time as one of the enemy guys. So here's what it looks like in real time. Guy A wants to hit Guy B. Both sides choose their move, and.. here comes the action.. and Guy A walks towards Guy B, they PASS EACHOTHER, and both swing their weapons at the previously occupied squares of the other person. Would this happen in battle..? .. uh, no. You'd whack that dude as he got in range.. and it's just annoying. Hardly anyone stays put. I don't know. I'm still deciding. There's a couple cool things about the game... but we'll see once I have a couple more party members if it REALLY gets good. Also, I've noticed that the cool animation stuff, like pushing blocks, hitting buttons, dropping bridges, flooding rivers.. that's just gone. And shamefully so. Not to mention the beautifully different win conditions other than "Kill all Enemies" or "Kill _____ (boss)". Blah. blah, BORING... anyway, let's just say I'm less than thrilled. Konami owes me something nice. Like Suikoden 3.

Your "expert" advise would be appreatiated as you are the only one I know of that would give a straight answer(I don't trust Google...). Thanks for your time.

You can trust Google. I trust her with my weekly column, and I wouldn't turn it over to some nitwit, now would I? He's not so bad. (Answering yes to this question forfeits your right to any further cookie handouts at any RPGamer function.)

-Ūther Knight, formally known as redknight

P.S. Are you sure you and Heather are just "boyfriend/girlfriend"? It seems odd that she would pose half-naked in a picture for you and for millions(not quite...hah!) of people to see.

Well, if you understand the contest, you'd know she pretty much had to get in that sort of attire in order to particpate correctly. And if you're asking if we're "more" than boyfriend/girlfriend, well, *wink* No, we didn't run off to one of those Nevada chapels. We're saving the non-contest half-naked photo shoots till marraige. Because, well, it's good to wait until marraige for such things. We both believe in that. As for if it bothers me that millions of people are looking at her.. well, hey, she's winning free stuff out of it, and .. well, it's not like you'll see her, say, "hey baby" and she'll drop me for you. I'm secure in my trust of m'lady.

In-a-minute haiku's.
What, you like haikus, but you never printed any of mine?! I feel so rejected.

To give you a second chance, I will compose one just for you, right now...


--Trevor's Twisted Haiku Special Editon--

"Oracle Returns,
So do the Evil Monkeys,
Hell must have frozen..."


I'm sorry I never printed your poetry. I like this one, honestly. I'm into printing haiku's, so if you've got 'em, or want to write 'em, send 'em in. The more clever, the more STEVEpoints you can get.. or something. I just made that up. Remember, Haiku have 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the last. That's it. No rhyming, nothing else. Have at it, my chilluns.

Whee, another Son May debate in the comin'...
Hi Brad

I was browsing the music section on the Gamecave site. I was going to get a soundtrack when i noticed there were two. One had just the title and the other had the title with (SM) after it. What does that mean? I asked the site and they never answered me. Not to metion that i've asked everybody I know and they don't know either.

SM stands for "Son May" which is basically another company that copies the CDs, or something. We got in a big debate over this the last time, but I'll tell you what. Edge gets pissed whenever Son May is mentioned... so The Big O sez: Don't Buy Son May. Pissed Edge is just bad for the clam chowder.

Seek wisdom, and you get.. Stevejokes.
Brad your the man! Your the whole reason I started reading the column! Anyways, I have a question. I just bought Vandel~Hearts 2, and the case was cracked but I thought, well, who cares as long as the games good right? But then I opened it up to find that the instruction book was all messed up. The game is good, but should I return it and get Suikoden 2? Urgh...This letter sounds really stupid. But the Oracle knows all.


Your name is Steve. Remember this, for it will take you far on your quest for wisdom. Then remember this. Vandal Hearts is good. Suikoden is good. Suikoden 2 is good. If you like Vandal Hearts 2, it is good. If VH2 runs properly, I say, who really cares about the case. I mean, it's lost collectable value by the time you open the cellophane, so screw it. Don't sell back VH2, unless you're desperate for the cash. If you had to choose while you were at the store, I'd go with S2 over VH2.. but if you've got the option to own both, then be a good capitalist and CONSUME, buy both!

So the boys aren't the only ones trying it, huh?
Yay, the monkeys have returned the Lohracle! First things first. When the heck is Ogre Battle 3 coming out?! Hasn't this game been delayed enough, 'specially since the Dreamcast has more RPG's than the N64 now? Geez, good thing I was smart enough to get a PSX! I'm just asking this for my bro's sake!

Secondly, in FF8, when you scan the members of your own party, you can usually spin them around (i.e. The flying monkey Edea). With Selphie, you can't do this. I'm guessing Squaresoft doesn't want Selphie fanboys looking up her skirt, but I just want what your take on this subject is.

Lastly, when you trip, remember:

Cars can hurt you.
You cannot fly.
Taking off your clothes in public draws attention
No matter how screwed up your trip is, you'll eventually come down.
Don't forget how to burp.

SmartLaine "Down with FIRC to the fiery pits of hell, cuz that's where it belongs"

First, well, I'll just go with it this way.. OB3 will come out when it's ready. Oracles predict things like if the boy in math class is just staring off to space or looking down your shirt. Or Oracles can answer things like "Is my name Steve?" These are within the realm of Oracle-like power. But contending with the forces of game-delay... I mean, I once went head to head with Blizzard.. and well, we didn't see Starcraft for like 18 months after it was promised out. Live, learn, and heal the bruises on your head.

Secondly.. FF8, now, while scanning Selphie, were you innocently trying to stand her on her head to laugh at her, or were YOU trying to look up her skirt? Naughty! Naughty naughty naughty...

As for the acid tips...well.. the MAN will tell YOU when the 60's are over, mannn!

Xenogears VS Parasite Eve
I'm debating whether to buy Xenogears or another game. I played the demo for Xenogears, which was cool, but I am not sure that it is worth the money, I read the reviews, they were good, but I also love Parasite Eve. Help

The King of the Moos

Yeah, moo to you too, buddy. This is an easy question to answer. How much time do you have? Then run it through this little perl script really quick, and you get an answer:

if($freetime > 30hours) {
      print "Xenogears";
} else {       print "Parasite Eve";

(In other words, if you've got a lot of free time, hit Xenogears. 70 hours of great storyline... if not, try 10 hours of amazing visual splendor with Parasite Eve.)

Big EndofWeekend Quickies

la vie n'est pas que de la viande !

Wanna make a bet, monkeyboy?

Uh oh! The truck have started to move!

We are destroy all your base! .. or something. I never actually played the game.. I just know people who quote it all the time. ;)

are you still a sugarbowl?

Unfortuneately, yes. :(

Heather? I'd do her.
- Jer Herjoe

"Like, bag yer hormones! I'm so sure!"

Now that your back there better not be ANYMORE gay bashing from you!!!

Hey, lots of my ex boyfriends have been gay!.. .. I did not just say that.

The Oracle, huh? You don't look like the old baglady from the Matrix....
-Mr. Chupon... "FunGAAAAAAAAH"

Wanna make a bet, monkeyboy? (god I love that line.. whee)

Don't worry about the vase.

Three weeks ago I saw a guy in a bathrobe with a sign that said "The day of dave is coming. Beware steve." I WONDERED what you were doing while you were gone.

Dude, that whole Dave religion thing has gotten way out of hand... every Steve who knows what's up can tell a Dave-worshipper a mile off, and all there is left is to point and laugh. Go like this. *point* "ha ha ha" .. see? Not hard at all.

You are not special, you are not each a rare and individual snow flake!

No way.. Mrs. Johnson my kintergarden teacher would NOT have lied to us about the individual snowflake part.. YOU SUCK! :(

Words from the Wise One:

Okay, sheesh. That actually was a pretty big column. I have a LOT more letters left to go through, as well. I'll probably write up a spare column someday in case I decide to go off on a romantic getaway with Hunte Heather.. (still get those two confused.. It's the long hair, I swear!) .. so if you didn't see your letter here today, you only have two things to ask yourself... "Was my letter so lame it wouldn't get printed anyway?" or "Have I sent the same letter every day for the last week and it still hasn't gotten printed?" If the answer is yes to your question, (and Mr. Question #2, you know who you are, and it isn't going to happen, buck-o...) then well, sorry. Anyhow, I'm off for a Physics final on Monday, and then we'll do our column thing next weekend.

Heh.. now would this column really be complete without a Cows Factory Turtles pic?

Brad "mumble mumble, all due to the farce of gravity.. it's all a LIE MAN..." Lohr
oh sneaky putting the hidden text where they never think to look for it anymore tee hee!

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