04.03.2000
Games

  The Oracle  

   I got axe for you!  
Brad Lohr, The Oracle - April 7 '00

Yo. It's weekend time, again, which is Brad time.. of course, Friday really isn't a weekend. It's when every frickin nasty thing about school is due. I've got a speech to do tomorrow, and an in-class English paper. Wah. I am not pleased about all this.. bleh. And while I'm bitching, I got a sum total of 27 emails today. That sucks. Oh well. I'm done bitching now. </bitching> <---- see?

Alright, as for the contest.. you're all asking "Who won?" Well, I'll tell you who won. Later... read letters below to find out... and I'll talk more about it in the conclusion.

Anyhow, as for other things.. there was the site redesign. Do I like it? It's okay. I'm just a weekend guy nowadays with very little time to do much of anything, so this came up pretty sudden for me as well. I had to redo my little template HTML for the Q&A column, which I wouldn't've rather had to do TONIGHT, really, but oh well, that's just how life is. At least I'm getting away from working on that damned speech.

That's just not a good thing, though.. ergghh...

Oh well, might as well get on with things. Heh.

WAIT! There is good news for today.. I got DSL in the house.. rad. It works, everything's going great, and damn. It's fast. Over 100k/sec download rates.. yummy. There is nothing more important to life than bandwidth. Slashdot poll concurs.

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Or else someone's gonna get hurt.
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Asheron's Call
More than 3 months now, I'm getting myself in trouble. :)
The Contest Winning Letter!
I figured your little contest required something special, so...

Ahem... the following is a list of all the RPG's I can think of off the top of my head, and why they suck.

  • Final Fantasy: The spell of "AMUT", which keeps enemy wizards from casting MUTE on you. This spell seemed stupid to me 10 years ago, but now I just makes me scream gibberish everytime I see the letters A, M, U, and T together.
  • Final Fantasy II: The main character is named "Lionel".
  • Final Fantasy III: Two Words: "Onion Kid".
  • Final Fantasy IV: Palom and Porom have a heart-breaking scene where they sacrifice their lives for your party. Then Yang has a heart-breaking scene where he sacrifices his life for your party. Then Cid has a heart-breaking scene where he sacrifices his life for your party. Then they all come back to life, because Squaresoft is comprised completely of sissys.
  • Final Fantasy V: It's not nice to make the players question their sexuality. C'mon, Faris is hot! Don't tell us that she's supposed to look like a man!
  • Final Fantasy VI: I hate that stupid Bone Club. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE it! I lost years of my life trying to equip Umaro with that damned thing, only to learn later that it's only in there as a joke. GRR...
  • Final Fantasy VII: Those summons were way too long with no way to cut through them. Sure, it was really cool the FIRST time Sephiroth destroyed the solar system. The second, third, fourth, and fifth times were irritating. And there's only so many times I can watch Cloud rip apart the Earth with Neo Bahamut. Wait... BahAMUT? ARGH!!! MOKOLA MEMBY DAHURAGAR!!!
  • Final Fantasy VIII: I miss Amano.
  • Final Fantasy Mystic Quest: C'mon, if you've ever played Mystic Quest, then you know exactly what's wrong with it. In fact, the only reason I can think of to actually play FFMQ is as part of an elaborate drinking game, where every time to throw down the controller in disgust, you have to drink a beer.
  • Xenogears: OK, wait. Lahan is Fei's past self... Grahf is Lahan... and Grahf is also Fei's father... but Lahan isn't Fei's father... Id is Fei's alter-ego... and Grahf's working with Id... and Grahf wants to kill Fei... I have a headache.
  • Chrono Trigger: Imagine a giant turtle all of a sudden pops up from the Earth and starts destroying the world. All our weaponry can't save us from annihilation... but suddenly, some mute kid from the middle ages appears, bonks it with a sword, and it dies. Geez, sounds like something from Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
  • Shining Force: I get too attached to my characters, I can't decide who to take with me into battle and who to leave behind. I start worrying that Jogurt gets lonely while the rest of us fight our mighty war against evil.
  • Shining Force II: Sob... Stay good Oddler! Stop planning Bowie's death! I can't bear to think of you as evil!
  • Pokemon: For the complete list of reasons why Pokemon sucks, please send a self-adressed stamped envelope to the Washington Department of Lists, PO Box 00001.
  • Pokemon Snap: The fact that this game was a smash hit gives me nightmares.
  • Persona: Bad music. Bad graphics. Bad story. Bad characters. Bad level design. But you could talk to demons, so it evens out, really.
  • Legend of Zelda: "Dodongo dislikes smoke. Eyes of skull has a secret. Nintendo translators drink happy juice."
  • Adventure of Link: Link grows 3 feet and loses 100 pounds. At the same time, Link stops being a role-model for the short fat kids who worshipped him worldwide. Luckily, next time they returned him to his squarish self.
  • Link's Awakening: Wha...? OK, he gets shipwrecked, collects musical instruments, kills a giant fish, and wakes up... I'm confused.
I know this probably won't get printed, but it was fun to write at least. Actually, many more RPG's come to mind, but it's midnight and I'm tired. And besides, I've pretty much run the gamut here.

-Tiredly yours,
-Urban Zombie

Brad:
I often find it funny that people are like "I know this won't get printed but.." .. man, I died laughing at this stuff. Oftentimes people who don't speak English are always apologizing for it when they write into my work address, and often it's better than most native speaker's English. People are just insecure, I guess. But anyhow, here is your winner, and guest host for Sunday (I said Sunday, right? Well, Sunday anyway!) .. Urban Zombie. Specializes in older RPGs, so if you want to send questions regarding those, or just send in weird crud, do so on Sunday, and well, we'll let it go from there.

You Anime Nuts...
Hey Brad,

Yesterday someone by the name of Xeros wrote in and ask Google if both Record of Lodoss wars series had the same characters. The first part of the new series you see Parn and his friends return and Karla returns in the form of Woodchuck. But halfway through the series a "Soon to be knight" by the name of Spark becomes the new main character "I believe" in the series. So the answer to Xeros is question is that the same characters are in the new ROLW series and ofcourse Ashram returns aswell.

"The #1 Insane Clown Posse fan" Grimace

Brad:
What can I say? Other than, "Uh, thanks" .. or something. :)

SO2/FFT, and oddly enough.. my girlfriend.
Salutations again Mr. Lohracle:

You may have seen some quickies from me, but here's a full blown letter. As a resident SO2 and FFT fan in my household, I have a few things that bother me about both games.

A. In SO2 my guide says that there is a salesman with some nice merchandise in the Cave of Trials, but will he continue to be there after you finish off the 13th floor's boss?

I'm not sure whether the merchant disappears or not.. I've only made it about 5 or 6 floors deep in the Cave of Trials, so .. well, I haven't exactly gotten that far yet, and can't remember reading a yes or no answer to it. I know he sells some amazing stuff, though.. not that there isn't an abundance of amazing stuff down in that cave anyway.. heh.

2. In FFT, CAN YOU FIND URIBO CLASS CREATURES RANDOMLY?! Sorry, but I'm going insane trying to find them, since they make nice poaching items. I've only seen 1 and that was in a set battle.

The only spot I know FOR SURE that you can get one is the same spot you're probably thinking of, which is the battle in Goland Coal City (It's late, if I got that wrong), where you can recruit that one. My major problem came when it was time to poach the 3rd level Uribo into a lil' coat.. I couldn't do it.. not as in, I love Animals, I can't do this!, but as in "I shot you, he had Secret Hunt, why didn't you turn into a pelt, you frickin' ugly lil' pig?!" ... so what's up with that, huh?

D. If you weren't going out with Heather, and you had a choice, who would you rather date: Celine, Precis, Opera or Chisato?

Ugh. What a gnasty set of choices. Precis is just damn annoying. Opera is just DAMN annoying. Chisato is just DAMN annoying. Celine is fairly annoying, but less so than the others. I -guess- I'd have to go with Celine. That whole ring around the shoulders routine would get kinda old, though.. makes cuddlin' on the couch a bit difficult.

~MagusAkaAlex, who once had a beautiful sandwich...but that's another story...

P.S.: I'd choose Chisato.

Journalists.. ugh. :) Now Bowman's wife.. er... j/k

Steve Job for FFT? .. oh dear ..
Hi Brad!!!

Well, here's my contribution to the contest put up by Brad...

A few weeks ago, my friend (-The Guy who is now known as Steve-) and I were bored, so we decided to make up a FF Tactics job class for Steve. We made up all the stats, armor/weapons, and attacks and I drew pictures for it. The people in the picture, by the way, are Brad and Heather FFT style in the Steve class. Yes, I realize it doesn't look like them, but considering I was trying to draw them like FFT characters what do you expect? Oh, and sorry for not drawing the Arctic Monkey on the armor, just pretend it's there...

Anyway, credit for several attack names and the such go to -The Guy who is now known as Steve-. He also scanned and fixed up the picture. Since we both worked on it equally, it'd be reeeealy nice if, should we win, we get to guest host together, ne? Ne...?

Stats: http://maikon.net/wcfma/stevejob.htm
Pic: http://maikon.net/wcfma/stevepic.htm

Mako-chan

Brad:
This was a very good entry, but sadly enough, it lacked mention of:

  1. Weird Al
  2. They Might Be Giants
  3. Orange Soda
  4. Sleep Deprivation (depricated nowadays, but hey.. the memories!)
  5. Haiku (Come on!)
  6. Perl. Perl. COME ON. PERL. No, seriously, this was good, and would have won, should it too have nearly dropped me out of my chair. But it's definitely worth printing. :) Thanks guys!

Heh heh.. the truth behind the banners
Hi. I've got a question for you. Does RPGamer.com make any money off of advertising or anything? You know what I'm talking about, the "please click here" links. I wouldn't mind clicking on those links for you guys, especially if they go somewhere I want to go anyways (like GameStop), but I don't know where any of the links are at on your site.

Later.

~todd

Brad:
Of course we do... click-through ads provide almost all the money a site gets. Period. RPGamer has a pretty big internet bill, when it comes to things like storage, bandwidth, and transfer. There are THOUSANDS of people who hit our site every hour, and when we put something like an FMV movie from the newest Final Fantasy game up.. we transfer gigabytes of data in no time whatsoever. That kind of bandwidth and transfer volume costs a lot of money. Anyhow, if you want, click on the banners, I do it every once in a while, mostly just because I actually see something interesting.. if you think we've just "sold out", then well, we'll put you on the 'donation' list the next time you wanna download media from us. ;)

Heh, did I mention I got DSL today?
Although it is true that with the free Dreamcast Sega.com will be around $13 a month, the fact that it is only 56k is disturbing. In 2 years which is the term of the contract, 56k. will probably be the same as 14.4 or maybe 28.8 is now. And if Sega.com comes out with an ethernet upgrade you'll probably have to buy extra stuff. The extra stuff might cancel out the $200 entirely because You'll also have to buy Ethernet stuff for your computers. It'll end up being about $20 a month anyways. I think Sega.com is a great idea, but Sega.com is looking to make money. I think everyone should be careful not to land in something they won't be happy with.

~~The "OK maybe I am really cheap" Wallet

Brad:
Wheee.. I love my fast speed connection, woo!.. as for Sega making money.. of course they're going to make money off this. There's so little out there that companies do that isn't really obvious money making stuff. If you think you're getting something for free, look again. Somehow they're going to be meeting the bottomline costs.. if you think that they aren't, then they are. You're just missing it.

VMU, get your head out of your ---
Hello Mr. Oracle Sir,

I was wondering if you knew why Sega and most of their 3rd party developers don't put the amount of memory a game save takes ups on the DC VMU? I've only seen like one or two games that actually have the amount of space a game save requires, and honestly it gets annoying having to delete saves so i can save new stuff or buying a new VMU.

Natron

Brad:
I totally agree.. we don't see games out there without "System Requirements" (even if we don't look at them, hee hee) panels on them, and console games should also have that sort of vital information on them. I actually own 4 PSX memory cards now, due to the amount of space that my save games take up, but I'm pretty pleased with that.. at $15 a pop, that's really not all that bad. Especially since I'm saving over $15/game when it comes down to cart vs. CD .. but I didn't say that ;)

Literary Questions... hey, I'm game.
*sniff*.... Why, Brad?! Why did Mercutio have to die?!?!

-Xenochick

Brad:
Well, something had to piss off Romeo enough to kill Tybalt, because just the normal "Your mother!" stuff wouldn't have done it. I mean, the Prince of Verona basically said he'd lop the head off of the next person to propogate the Capulet/Montague feud, so it wasn't like Romeo was itchin' to get into that fight. As I remember the only reason Romeo's life was spared was because he had avenged Mercutio, who happened to be related to the Prince in some way. But I haven't read the play since 9th grade, (oh geez, almost 8 years ago? DEAR LORD) .. so I may be a bit iffy. On that note, Heather and I watched "Romeo Must Die" .. and it was good. Jet Li kicks ass. Seriously. I recommend it to everyone who is old enough to go. Though I don't think it totally should have been rated R, other than some minor breast shot at the beginning.. which could easily have been removed. Not that I mind, but it was just out of place. Oh well.

New Colored Quickies

Fear my power, Steve; I am your evil twin.

-Evets

Steve, stop playing with yourself in the mirror, we're going to be late to the movie!

Closing Comments:


Ergh.. well, it's getting late, my speech still isn't done, and I've probably got a half hour left of just figuring out how to update the damned site with the new design, so I'm parsing out a bit early, folks... send more mail tomorrow, or you're all going to hell! I MEAN IT!


Brad "Aw man.. BlinkyMe isn't on a transparent background. Utter suckage!" Lohr
Your name is Steve. Your name... is Steve.