The Oracle
Word to your mother!
The Oracle, Brad Lohr - January '00- 01:00 PST

Llama. You hear me, monkeyboy. Anyhow, it's a pretty big night, I actually got more email today (between the Wu-Tang and inverted Playstation stuff) than I've gotten in a while. Good thing. Means everyone's still out there.. just recovering from those drunken New Year's parties. Remember. I can read your mind.

Anyhow, it's getting kinda late.. so I'm gonna just say a few more things then drop right into the real business. Had a crazy week this week, glad that I'm finally done with the whole work thing for a couple days.. gonna play some more Asheron's Call this weekend, hang out with the girlfriend, do stuff, see people, you know. Alright, I'm rambling now.. have a column:

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Asheron's Call
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You know it.
Inverted Playstation Story #1
Hey Brad,

I think I know why turning a Playstation upside down works. My CHP-1001 model quit not to long ago and I ripped it apart to see what was wrong. It was really neat because I got it to work without the cover on it and it ws cool watching all the stuff going on. Oh yeah, 110V AC hurts a lot It's shameful how the connections on the high end of the transformer is unsheilded. Someone should write Sony about that). Anyways, it was making a sound like a gear was stripped, so I opened up the laser positioning mechanism. That was fine. What I did notice is that the laser moves (or tries to) up and down within its sealed metal harness. I think that this vertical positioning mechanism had a tripped gear or something to that effect. Thus, when you turn it upside down or on its side, the weight of the harness is neutralized (or reversed) and it is free to move. Unfortunately, I realized this after hurtling my Playstation end over end down the street, so I have no way to verify if turning it upside down would actually fix it, but it seems like it should work.

- Naz

Remember kids, when I said that turning it over seemed to help, I did not mean launching it into the air in order to see how many times you could get it to flip. While this may provide a good environment for the playstation to function underneath, the sudden impact of hitting the ground tends to do ... how shall we say ... bad things to your game playing apparatus.

The Empire Strikes Back
Original Question:

3) are these going to be longer/shorter/about the same size (as in game length) as red/blue/yellow?

Mikel: Without telling you why, so we don't spoil, the game is about twice as long as the original. Add over 100 new pokemon to catch, and the actual length of time playing can be much more than double. (Which is bad for me since I beat red after playing for 90h 23m (hey, I like leveling all my pokemon!)).

Mike's Reply to the Reply of his Repl.. *Brad falls down*

The reason there are indeed more than 100 new pokemon is because Mew is *not* in Red/Blue/Yellow without modifying the game with a code altering device, which is not an official count!

Red/Blue/Yellow has 150 Pokemon officially. Therefore Gold/Silver has more than 100 more. Assuming Nintendo doesn't "hide" the last one again in the US translation.

Well, I get up this morning, and the first thing, (okay, he said 'hi' first, so second) Mike says to me this morning is NUH UH I AM NOT WRONG. :) So I made him mail me in this response... even the bossman has to follow the forms. 'Did you get that memo?' (snicker)

..oh sure, pick a lock with a survival knife..
I would appreciate your help, I am playing the playstation game Vandal Hearts 2: Heaven's Gate. I need to know what weapons specifically, (any and all) that will unlock a chest and or break a block. I have passed up countless chests so far and have yet to find a weapon that will open one. I have read that a bowie weapon will work, but I am not sure what I bowie weapon is. Any help you can give me as soon as you can give it will help me stop pulling out my hair!.. thanks.


The Bowie Knife (you can buy it at ANY town) will unlock treasure chests, once you have it equipped in battle for long enough to use unlock. Also, the Maraca will teach you blockbreak (though I actually missed this item on my trip through the game, and still can't find a good text walkthrough with like s00per sekr|ts in it) and then the Pickaxe has Blockmake (I think.. it's one of the special weapons around that time..)

Oh yeah, well, .. now we're gonna "RPGamer" Slashdot! HAH!

Okay, so, yeah, I turn my playstation on it's side to play it, because if I don't, my brand new FF8 game (without a scratch on it) skips during FMV's.

Okay, now for the important part. Where did you hear about there being an Ender's Game Movie? I NEED INFO; I LOVE ENDER'S GAME!

umm, yeah.



News for Nerds. Stuff that Matters. Slashdot rules. Go. Read. Let the Linux love FLOW through you. You can search for "Ender's Game" and you'll find the news stories relating to it.

Meet Brad's Friends

You gotta help me, who is this Paws everyone keeps talking about? I have no idea where she came from, or which column she was me!


PS: I really like Vandal Hearts 2!!!

About VH2: It was pretty good. I liked the original better. I liked the different ending conditions, and the fact that the maps had a lot more action to them. Falling bridges, detaching train cars, all kinds of neat things that just weren't in number 2. So I was slightly dissappointed. As for who Paws is... she's someone who has helped me out numerous times in the past, from the real pronunciation of Shiva to various FF8 answers that are of a highly .. in depth nature. So basically when I need a big long FF8 answer, and Hunter Wilcox is idle/sleeping/ignoring me .. :( .. then I make a call out, and we get the info hooked up. It's all about the networking, baby.

My #2 fan speaks out!
Brad *said in a Neumanesque voice*

For the nice young lad who wrote in the other day with the problem on disk 1 of Xenogears, I had the same problem my first time through. I took out the disk, cleaned it off, and tried balancing my psx on the side. That worked. So I suggest you try that.

Also, before you play through the game again, think to yourself, is my life really so boring that I'd rather spend 52 hours reading text that I've already read at s..u..c..h.. a.. s..l..o..w.. p..a..c..e..?

-Hoenir Aesir, Brad's arch-nemesis :P

While this guy doesn't like me much at all, he reads my columns in exquisite detail, and never fails to send me notices when I make an error or just an ass out of myself. Which means he pays more attention to my writing than even I do. Heck, if I could, I'd go get me something to eat while I was writing this column... and let the thing write itself. Anyhow, so he is my honorary #2 fan, behind good ol' Ben Pearson, who is my #1 fan. Anyhow, he's darn right about the slow Xenogears text... and well, this is also Inverted Playstation tale #2.

Hey, Brad, er, Steve, er, Oracle!

You know, it's YOUR fault that my roomie's boyfriend named his Carbunkle GF Steve, isn't it? Admit it! And it's YOUR fault that I had the undeniable urge to name MY Carbunkle Steve as well! How dare you interfere with our rights to name our GFs what we want! I hope you feel properly chastised (I've been wanting to chastise you for some time, but you disappeared before I had enough time! For shame!).

Anyway, was wondering if there was a page that listed the cool quotes from the games? Those are great, and I think it would be really cool to have a page that listed the quote, who said it, the game, and maybe even the first person who was acknowledged as figuring out who said it and where. An example would be the "We..are men...of the sea!!!" said by the Captain of the Thames (and the little kid) in the game Xenogears, recognition going to Todd. I just think that would be a blast. There've been some really cool quotes but not all of them were recognized and I wanted to know what games they were from. Just a thought for you there at my favorite RPGaming site.

-Sulime (that's Soo-li-may!) Athcart

Hahaha.. that is so great. I laughed for a good couple minutes after reading this. As for the quotes at the top, it really is just this random thing we do when we think of/see a funny quote in a game. We don't record it, hell, half the staff doesn't even know where it's from sometimes.. so, I think you're out of luck on ever getting a compilation of them from the past, unless some RPGamer obsession freak has them all somewhere, and after calling them that, I don't think they'd send it to me.. heh.

Oh you know it.. King Brad.. or SLH.. or something
'sup Brad,

Heh, too bad I cancelled my account on AC last week. Anyways, enough about me.

I have an idea, why don't you go create your own monarchy and have your RPGamer followers who play AC to pledge allegiance to you? You'll be the monarch of all RPGamers who play AC and stuff ;)

Heh, I have thought of this, however, I'm not much of a high level character yet, though if anyone wants to swear some allegiance down to me, I ain't gonna say no, y'know? My character on HarvestGrain is named "Santa's Little Helper" .. it is a sick inside joke that has nothing to do with the Simpson's dog thing.. it's actually because my other character (whom I no longer play cuz he was dumb) would always get stupid items, and then just give them to random people. Like dead rabbits. Anyhow, so now I'm Santa's Little Helper. A chick dressed all in white and red. And, well, chainmail too. Say hi, or something, and if you want me to be your patron, well, I ain't gonna say no to free experience.

Inverted Playstation, part 3
Hello Oracle Steve.

I too have had problems with Xenogears freezing (I didn't even get to finnish playing it before it decided to die), unfortuanately the upside-down PSX trick didn't work, I'll have to try it on its side. Well my friend has a trick that has gotten PSX games to work, he licks them, yes. Now a normal person would think, well I don't want to lick my game, I'll use water, but for some reason water has never worked for me and my friends licking has never failed him. Maybe it's something in his saliva. Well later.


That's just.. disturbing.. kinda.. weird. Although I heard a good way to repair scratches in CDs is to clean them with shaving cream..

So bad I had to post it...
Dear Mr. Master Whee Ha Ha Nickel Monkey Head Fart (AKA Brad),

It has come to my attention that you have decided to let people post pictures of their girlfriends on your column to show no hard feelings towards your readers. This I find to very considerate of you, but have noticed no one has taken you up on your offer. Therefore, I present to you... my girlfriend:

She's a very sweet person (literally!) and will stop at nothing to please you (well, if pancakes are how you get your kicks in life...). Every morning I find her waiting for me at my kitchen table, smiling as if she couldn't help it. You also have to admit that she looks very... sexy in that apron of hers. Sure, there are several drawbacks, those being that she's less than a foot tall and is quite the silent type. Also from her name, I would guess that she's married. I guess this is just a secret Mr. Butterworth is never going to find out about (insert psycho laugh). But this is quite a fantastic lady that I was *very* fortunate to meet at my local grocery store (she had a few sisters, too, with beautiful name such as Cinnamon and Brown Sugar, in case this relationship ends in tears...). Also, might I mention, she's good in The Sack (sorry, I have a habit of speaking in the third person now and then). I just hope your Heather is just as wonderful to you as Mrs. B. is to me. Thank you for your time!

Oh, and so this isn't *too* offtopic, when is Punky Brewster RPG making it to Toy's "R" Us shelves? I've been waiting for it since the show was canceled, man!

~The "What the hell ever happened to the law of averages?!" Sack~


...and here is the picture of this man's sweetheart...

Capitalist Quickies

So, you're a capitalist pig, are you? Well, consider yourself warned, Mr. I love free enterprise because I'm an evil factory boss, the workers shall unite and remove your tyranny from power under the red banner of communism!!!!!
Your comrade, Ozzie (Wuname, "Officer Stinkah")

Bring it, Pinko!

I like cheese and it's my birthday, so give me cheese.

For your birthday... CHEESE!

Dear mr. Brad, Did you steal your "I like Santie Claus" bit from Brak's "Fight the Power Bands" song in which he screams "I like santie Claus" at the end? hm? Don't try and deny it mister because I've figured you out!!!!

Yes, it is true.. I'm a Space Ghost fan.. though I've definitely admitted it before. Anyhow, here's the link to the mp3 in question.. it's so hilarious. You might not get it if you don't watch the show, but it's only 1.5 megs, and I love it.

The Ender series is simply amazing. Gaad I love Orson Scott Card. No, really, we make hot lezbian love every night. You don't believe me do you.

No I do NOT believe you. :(

Where'd you get that nifty blinking picture thingummy? It's god-like spiffy!
SmartLaine "And Ayatolloh was his name-0"

Actually, someone sent it in during the "Draw an Anime Brad" contest, long ago, but it took me that long to get it resized. I love it too. The person's name/handle is "Shade", and a big thanks go out to him/her/Googleshng for that.
Wu-Tang Heroes!
Yesterday I posted a 'Wu-Tang' name converter.. got a lot of mail with people's Wu-Tang names.. here's some of them:
Cheeky Delinquent "Jesus Christ! your Wu-Name is Temporary Spastic"
International Cow Ungrateful Ninja
Alarmingly-Named Wolfman Violent Toilet Thing [Okay, that has to be my favorite]
Well-Liked Assman [Be afraid. Be very afraid.] Big Wicker Ventriloquist
I saw that Wu Name thing and started to do thinks...look at the results:
Daniela Vasconcelos! your Wu-Name is Loose-Lipped Controller

Rinoa Heartilly! your Wu-Name is Undiscovered Bum
Squall Leonhart! your Wu-Name is Tha Eurythmic King of Nowhere
Zell Dincht! your Wu-Name is Action-Packed Mentallist
Quistis Trepe! your Wu-Name is Fiendish Observational Comedian
Selphie Tilmitt! your Wu-Name is Tha Prickly Comedian
Seifer Almasy! your Wu-Name is Womanly Panther
Irvine Kinneas! your Wu-Name is Lesbian Pimp [Okay, there's my second favorite]
Cid Kramer! your Wu-Name is Detective Ventriloquist
Edea Kramer! your Wu-Name is New Fast Automatic F-REEK

Agrias Oaks! your Wu-Name is Sheepish Lord of Chaos
Ramza Beoulve! your Wu-Name is Lesbian Pimp

Cloud Strife! your Wu-Name is Auxillary Priest
Tifa Lockhart! your Wu-Name is My Cousin the Wife-Beatah
Aerith Gainsborough! your Wu-Name is Slumbering Pierrot (I tried Aeris too, and it was the same name)
Barret Wallace! your Wu-Name is Tha Eurythmic King of Nowhere
Vincent Valentine!your Wu-Name is New Fast Automatic F-REEK
Yuffie Kisaragi! your Wu-Name is Gratuitous F-REEK
Cid Highwind! your Wu-Name is Slumbering Pierrot
Red Xiii! your Wu-Name is Top-Heavy Hookjaw [And Number three.. hahahaha..]
Cait Sith! your Wu-Name is Bellowing Rap Machine

With this we can see: Cid is Aerith's Wu Father, Vincent, Yuffie and Edea are parents, Barret and Squall are "wanna-bes", Irvine and Ramza are PERVERTS! And Seifer is...strange.

That's all for today Daniela aka Agrias

Words from the Wise One:

There was some definitely weird stuff going on today in here. I don't know what it was. I kinda like it though. Keep up the weird stuff, my hoopy froods! Anyhow, tiredtiredtiredtired... going to bed. Well, maybe just a little AC before bed.. oh noo.. I'm a sugarbowl!

Brad ".. here is my handle.. and .. here.. is .. my other .. handle..." Lohr

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