Ask Google
and Sharkey
Googleshng - January 13 '99- 1:30 Eastern Standard Time

Jabber Jabber Jabber Jabber Jabber Jabberjaws! There. Now I have probably unlocked repressed memories in about 20% of you about that awful Scooby Doo clone, I'll let Sharkey introduce himself.

Sharkey: I got conned into doing this column on a day when I have the flu, an impacted wisdom tooth, and some kind of reaction to Ibuprofen that makes me dumber than rocks and twice as sexy. With all those handicaps I have to avoid saying anything remotely Thor-like while picking six locks on my cell door with a pair pixie stix while the room slowly floods with water. Damn you, Google. I'll still catch you and defeat the yakuza in time to save Chanukah.

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Recent Q&A's


Final Party
Hey Sharky and Goog.
What do you suppose is the best team in Xenogears? In FF8? In FF7? My best teams are as follows:
Fei, Citan, Chu-chu
Squall, Rinoa, Quistis
Cloud, Tifa, Vincent.

Please post this. I'll give you a cookie! ^_^

The guy who makes bad cookies

I haven't played XG in almost a year, but I recall my final team used Fei because it didn't occur to me not to use him, Chu-Chu because she was a stupid pink thing, and Billy because he was a cowboy, clergy, and an aspiring male prostitute.

In FFVII I used Cloud because he was essentially mandatory, Cait Sith because I'm a 'tard, and Cid because he was just like my grandfather, only pap had one eye and cursed more.

I just beat FFVIII the other day and cleared the finale on my first try with Squall and Selphie. The third slot was just the rest of the characters appearing and getting vaporized while I giggled. Selphie was pretty weak but I kept her alive just because I thought she was the best presented character in the game. I mean, she was supposed to be an idiot chick with a webpage, and throughout the game she talked exactly like an idiot chick with a webpage. She constantly sounded just like she was chatting on IRC.

Heh. I also used Squall Rinoa and Quistis despite the fact that I know Zell is generally better than Quistis. In FF7 I don't even remember who I had, but I remember how my materia were arranged. Xenogears was Fei, Citan and Bart. Bart because he was the only one besides those two who wasn't in bad shape from the sub bosses.

I wish to register a complaint
This column has done nothing but get worse and worse for the last year or so. It is not just you, but the questions posted are getting more irrelevant, and the answers are short and ignorant most of the time. What happened to well though out Question and Answer columns?

Kennedy Roberts

I actually have very clear and specific ideas regarding this column's quality and the factors contributing to it. However, I'm a guest and it wouldn't be very politic of me to smear poop in my host's carpet, no matter how much fun it sounds like. Maybe after I nick all the towels and ashtrays.

Actually, I agree with you. There has been a serious drop off over the years in legitimate serious questions. Most of what I get these days is redundant questions (Fithos...), things that people should be looking up in walkthroughs, silliness, and people talking about the column or columnists. Gee, like you. You're being part of the problem, not part of the solution. 8)

Last Name


I actually have something to say, so onto the comments. I recognize the quote from today (Jan 12)! It's from Transformers: The Movie. I take it most of the staff at like it. So do I.
Wait! Don't leave! I have another comment!
I've decided Crono should have a last name. I'm probably one of the biggest ChronoTrigger addicts in the world, and all my friends (even the RPG playing ones) are on the verge of killing me if I mention the game one more time. Since they won't listen to what I have to say, you're my only hope. As I was saying, Crono should have a last name. And it should be Deus. Crono Deus. Means (not exactly, but close) Time God in Latin. And since he travels through time, I thought it would be fitting. Haven't figured out/made up other surnames though. What do you think should be Lucca's?

-Crono Deus, A.K.A Omar Zakaria

Lucca... she lives on the second floor. She lives upstairs from you. Yes, I think I've seen her before.

I personally think last names for rpg characters are almost always either superfluous or used to cram their one-dimensionally further down your throat. Squall Lionheart. He's a loner. He's got the heart of a lion- just in case his ultimate weapon, his ring, and that ridiculous mane/jacket thing didn't tip you off. How far can you carry a lion motif, anyway? The brat probably had Lion-O underoos.

You know, Chronos IS the god of time. If you really want a last name for Lucca, howabout Vi? Hehehe. I made a bad FFT joke. Now excuse me while I laugh at Lion-O underoos.

More about Paws
Damn......that chick has a sexy voice. I've been obsessively listening to the Ragnarok clip over and over again for the past 3 hours..... -MrEvil

... I have no idea. Really. I wasn't paying attention. I bet everybody else knows what he's talking about, but I don't. It feels like I fell asleep in the middle of class and now I'm the only one in the room who doesn't magically know what a cosine is.

I can neither agree nor disagree on that. However, I seem to recall the boss saying similar things on a number of occassions. Hmm... wait, does Mrs. Tidwell read this column?

Quick question for Sharkey:

Is there any chance The Comic is coming back, or should I stop holding my breath? *has been turning blue since June, so please answer quickly*

There's a chance that in some alternate universe I'm still doing it and making a killing on tee-shirt sales, but without some kind of super dimension space-time oscillation bomb you probably aren't going to see any more.

You know, I have a comic I'm not doing too. Although mine I'll be starting back up promptly next month when I get home.

Talk to me
Hey man/woman you have icq or IM cause its hard to find intelligent conversation these days.

please reply with a yes or no or i'll think yer a jerk(ess)


Hi. I'm Sharkey. I like reading, swimming, hiking, tennis and lawn darts. I like candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and talking to random strangers on ICQ because it's the only place to find intelligent conversation because people are all filthy pigs and I don't like to be near them because they smell and their stink won't come off. I wash and I wash but it won't come off.

*For Sharkey press pound one one three eight*

Well, I am signed onto the IMer and IRC (in #rpgamer) every waking momment, so I'm fairly easy to stalk. I prefer being stalked in #rpgamer though because there I can kick people, and that's just plain fun. This month though I'm not home, so I'm not on either.

1. Which Dreamcast RPG should I get? EGG or Seventh Cross? (I already have Evolution)

Sharkey: I'd have to say Space Channel 5. Some people will say it's not an rpg, but I know better. Anyway, it's got Michael Jackson in it, and he's the only guy with more unnatural skin than me... Except I didn't pay for mine. 2. Is Verge (or any other RPG maker) compatible with Macs?

Sharkey: Nope. Once upon a time there was a plan for a Mac Verge, but the guys in charge of the project started shouting "I am Connor MacVerge of the clan MacVerge!" and hitting each other with paper towel rolls and then they fell on the floor giggling and completely forgot what they were doing in the first place.

CHU CHU ROCKET! Oh, RPGs. Hmm. Personally I'd suggest saving your moneyfor something like Grandia 2, Eternal Arcadia, or PSO. Oh, and then there's Shen Mue...


You still function eh? You take that up with Unicron!

Sharkey: Unicron was temporarily unavailable so I took it up with Orson Welles' rotting corpse. A partial transcript of the conversation follows.

Hey, Google! If you're a guy, will you go out with me?

-Cloud's older half neice's younger taller sister

Sharkey: I don't know what to say. Google, you talk to her. Please... that could be like, a real girl. You know.. with breasts and things.
Google: Nope. I won't go out with anyone, regardless of gender... unless bribed heavily.

The Last Laugh:

That was a lot of fun. I personally laughed my head off at most of that. The lack of Quickies is due to long responses and few quickies not complaining about the lack of Quickies. Anyway, it's the weekend, so I'll hand the comfy chair over to Brad and watch me some Farscape!

Googleshng "Ha! Now you HAVE to mail Brad!"
Sharkey: "You remind me of the Babe."

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