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Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII - Review

TenTASTIC!

By: aolhax0r84@aol.com


Review Breakdown
   Battle System 10
   Interface 9
   Music/Sound 10
   Originality 10
   Plot 10
   Localization 10
   Replay Value 10
   Visuals 10
   Difficulty High Chair
   Time to Complete

Question Mark

 
Overall
TEN!
Criteria

 Another Quality Game

   I like games. Games make me happy. Square makes games that are happy too. And Enix is my friend, possibly my best friend ever. So with all this super happy funtime special superness, it's no surprise that the first game put out by Square-Enix, Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII, is the best game ever. Because it's really good, and I like games that are good, because they're better than games that are bad, and when you have to play a bad game, it's kind of like riding your bicycle with the handlebars twisted so that the brakes are constantly on and you have to keep riding up hills cuz you're miles from home and too stupid to use a payphone, and your friends won't leave you behind, but you can tell they'd kind of want to if you gave up so you just keep pedalling and pedalling, but finally it hurts so much when you reach this big hill that your knees seize up but you make it home anyway and then your dad twists the handlebars and you realize that's all you had to do but you were only twelve so you didn't realize it.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Good games are good. And when I say good, I mean George Burns good, not Montgomery Burns good. I mean pudding and chocolate and sparklers on Canada Day (or I guess Independence Day or Veteran's Day or Will Smith Day or Free Burmecia Day wherever you happen to be living). So when I say this game is good, you better believe it's good, cuz I think so and what I think is all that matters and besides, if something is good then it can't be bad, so I have to give it ten out of ten. In everything!

   Like the battle system. Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII has the best battle system EVAR. When you're playing this battle system, which features the Walnut Drop system and the Turn Change Diameter Thrust system and the Chocobo Slime Melding Doomhammer Blith system (I can't tell you what Blith is cuz it's a spoiler but TRUST ME it's the greatest thing you'll ever see in a battle system since maybe the "Fight" option) and when you put all these systems together you realize what a truly game this game is.

You get to have three characters in your party most of the time, but then there's "Draws Near" events which lead to the ATB kicking in, except it's all liek Secret of Mana and you get to stab rabbits in the face with a sword which is really cool, trust me, I've seen a rabbit get chased by a cat before and it's pretty gruesome but in a cool sort of way, cuz the cat sort of plays with the rabbit before killing it and the rabbit makes this little meepmeepmeepmeepmeep sound and I had to save the rabbit because the rabbit was dying but it died and that was the end of the rabbit PLUS my cat got angry which was the worst thing ever. But this battle system is the best thing ever, and when you shoot things with magic sometimes they turn into big stars.

   Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII is also teh best game for interfaces seen since there was that other game by Square with the cool interface. There's more cool systems at work here, like the Draw Box Match system, which lets you learn magic by picking up road flares and stuffing them inside pancakes which are magical because they were made by the big giant fairy in the woods that's really powerful but wants to test you so she nmakes you bring a stupid letter to an old man in a cave nowhere near her forest but he brought her chocolate once when he wasn't old, and she wants nothing more than chocolate because it's kind of like kryptonite to the woodpeckers that keep messing up her spirit tree, which you have to cut a branch from to stab the evil bad guy in the eye with to get out of level one.

This is unbelievably wonderfully fantastically super duper magically expertly beautifully done, and needless to say, when you need a potion it's right at your fingertips after only six screens, because Enix is involved remember, but it's also the best game evar so who cares because it's the best so it doesn't matter that this menu is kind of inconvenient cuz it has cool music, kind of like in Bionic Commando but with a cool jazzy beat and some flutes thrown in for good measure. Weird. I thought I was writing this paragraph right here, but it turns out it was below the battle system part, but fortunately I didn't notice that so it didn't make any difference, and anyway, the only part about my writing that makes this important is that I know this is the best game evar so if I think it's the best game evar then it must be so there.

LORIK
Mind-numbing graphics!  

   Mmmm. When I say mmmm, it's because it's the first sound in music, not because it's the first sound in muffin, or Mmmmmuffins, the store that sells only muffins and was competing pretty good in the train station near my house until Cinnabon moved in and started pumping cinnamon smell into the station which was really good because it drowned out the washroom smell which was pretty offensive if you ask me. Cinnabon and Mmmmuffins still live in harmony though, and that's kind of like Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII because it's two companies and it's kind of like the music because it's two composers, Nobuo Uematsu and that other guy who did Chrono Trigger and then turned his efforts to pumping out some of the best damned elevator music to ever appear in a video game. But that's okay because we'll never hear it in an elevator so it's good music dammit. And in this game it's good music too. Because this is the BEST GAME EVAR and I know I said that about Final Fantasy VIII and IX and X and even XI which I never played but this really and truly is the best game evar and so is the music, which is like heaven.

   One thing I was worried about in Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII was that it wouldn't be very original because after all there are a lot of different games that they're taking elements from and if they're putting them all in one game then maybe it would just be a stupid jumbled mess that didn't make any sense, which kind of does make sense since I thought putting all these games together was a really stupid idea but hey lots of people seemed to think it was the first thing any sensible company would do and hey presto, here's the MCMXVIIth game in the series already, the previous MCMXVI games having been released only in Japan which is kind of stupid, but believable because when I was in grade 3 this guy told me that they already had like thirty Mario games in Japan and this one where you were in a classroom and you had to jump around on desks and shoot elastics at the teacher, which was a Koopa Troopa. I didn't believe him so I gave him a ten minute misconduct when we played floor hockey later and I got to be the referee, but I sure was gullible back then.

   Oh boy. The story in Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII was sooooo good that I can't even begin to possibly think about considering the notion of pondering maybe getting around to potentially revealing the goodness within. Besides, it says right on this template that I'm not supposed to so let me just say two words: AERIS REVIVED! YEAH! I know that's a spoiler, but she gets to meet General Leo and all those other dead characters people want to revive despite the fact that reviving them pretty much nullifies the sacrifice they made in dying and wrecks most of the motivation for the rest of the story and besides, what does it matter since all you really lose is a pretty staff with Aeris and you can't be too bitter over that cuz you can still sell those staves (That's the plural for staff! I was surprised too but then I looked it up when I ran this through a spellchecker which incidentally also said that ever is not spelled evar which I for one am skeptical about) and everything else for a bunch of gil, a million if you use GameShark like I did. Anyway, once yuo beat the evil emperor and his sidekick becomes the bad guy, you'll know what I mean when I say this is o-riginal to the MAX!

   One thing that is also perfect about Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII is the translation, because there's a lot of current jokes about George W. Bush because they hired those witty fellows at Working Designs to come and translate for them and they say "booger" and "poo" which are also funny words and belong in any sensible translation. I mean heck, this stuff was funny when I was twelve and liked to do things like make up jokes about the fat kid in our class and I would make fun of him every day until he - well he never did crack but he did get attacked with a butter knife the next year by some other kid who really hated him, which I didn't I more kind of thought he was sad than anything else but I still made fun of him which was mean and I feel kind of bad now but anyway needless to say I think he might kill me someday if he ever tracks me down which he might since I looked him up on ICQ once and his name had RPGs stuff in it and maybe he reads this site. Anyway, Top-Notch!


SPOILER CLOUD IS IN THE GAME!
You'll be floating in the CLOUDs (hint, hint!)  

   Man oh man does Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII have good minigames. There's this one game where you hammer A as fast as you can to throw softballs at ducks running around in a crate filled with matchsticks and empty vodka bottles which shatter and make little lawyers appear to serve up lawsuits and you have to lose 100 gil if you even SEE one of them but that's okay because if you hit a duck you get the secret materia which gives you this really cool armor that doesn't do anything oh except a little thing I like to call turning your character's hair BLUE! There's over ten other minigames and lots of hidden areas and over 1500 different endings and 13 optional characters and the secret wedding ending which you can only get if you play through the game in under 100000 footsteps and 10 hours and get a sword from the basilisk in the thirteenth dungeon at the end of the fifth level in Xerobathnas. On the other hand there is a lot of cutscenes but they're cool because FMV is cool and I like stories a lot.

SPEAKING of stories, and movies, they're just the icing on the good graphics cake. You can have up to eight different characters on screen at once and they all do cool things like move and I can't help but remember back in the day when it was just cool if something had more than two frames of animation which I really don't remember thinking of as animation but that didn't matter because it was video games and any game was fun because it was a game and not because I needed to justify it with lots of big words and 10/10/10/10 reviews and in depth stories and all the other fancy stuff I now drool for which is why it's really fun to play Castlevania sometimes because they stick to the basics but this game is still a lot better looking which is also important because whenever I used to like a game I'd say its graphics were better even if they really weren't and I'd convince myself, like with Zelda and Zelda II which had that cool instruction manual that said "P bags can contain monsters tool" which I thought was rather odd because they didn't have tools or monsters or even anything to suggest that tool was a typo of too and there was something else in the P bags which there wasn't which I didn't really like because P bags were the best thing until you got to the end of the game and then you needed magic to heal which was a drag because the last boss was super easy thanks to Nintendo Power which always thought up cool moves like jumping below Wart in Mario 2 and catching veggies only there and killing him in super cool style.

Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII is kind of hard at times, but relatively easy at others, which in my mind makes it sort of like playing marbles. Remember back in the day if you ever did play marbles which is kind of not what kids do now what with Pokemon cards and guns and whatnot but anyway after you called all the rules and stamped it no erasies black ball beats em all then you'd have to actually play? Well sometimes I'd win lots and sometimes I'd lose and that's what this game is like because at times I would go with no trouble at all through a dungeon but at others it was like I lost all my marbles and no not in the going crazy sense but in the sense that I lost like one hundred marbles in a single DAY.


Crazy castle!
I most certainly don't know the deal, but these guys do  

With its one hundred million endings, you can safely play Final Dragon Secret of Ever Fantasy Warrior Mana Quest Story MCMXVII right to your deathbed, but if you have to go fight terrorists and might crash a helicopter soon then you can play the under ten hour version which isn't as much fun, so I'll say it can take ten hours to forever to play this game. In the end though you really could entertain yourself playing this game forever because it really is the best game ever and don't let Wolf Blitzer fool you into thinking anything else because those videophones really do look stupid with their ten minute lag I mean come on use your seven second delay or pretape the conversations and edit out the crap or something cuz come on this would be grade A world-class propaganda if you just put your minds to it. Like this review. TEN TEN TEN TEN TEN! You should buy this game.





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