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ASK KRESENT PHRESH
Haldol - The Other White Meat August 29, 2005

Kresent Phresh - 00:35 PST

WELL THEN, I guess this is the part where I tell you what it is that I do, why I'm doing it, and how intoxicated I am at the moment. Well, the answer for all three is, I don't know. Except the last one. I know that, and I can't legally tell you. All I can say is that I'm shocked that I'm able to type so well. On that note, I guess I'm going to get started on this little thing and hope I don't offend too many people along the way.




L E T T E R S
A "pro"? "Like me"? Why, I don't know what to say!


hi again,

im the funny guy who u always make fun of

anywayz,so for my question

i have an XBOX and i have alot of games that i like on it but i like RPGs so
much that i decided to get for the next-gen a PS3 but those rpgs for X360
really looks interesting like EM and lost odyssey so i was wondering,from your
point of view do you think that the rpgs on X360 and woth getting the system
for them(no Metal Gear or Tekken) or should i stick with the idea of ps3(which
means no Halo or DOA) ???

sorry if this is starting to bore you guys its just that i need to know what
pros like u think




Kresent Phresh


First, let me just say, it's okay. Yes, you're boring me quite a bit, but, y'know... I'll get over it. It's not like there's really a whole lot to be entertained about, except maybe your lack of punctuation. Before you consider spending the money to buy yourself a new video game system, you might want to think about buying yourself a series of Hooked on Phonics videos. Better grades in 60 days, or your money back!

But I digress. In my own personal and humble opinion, I don't think either of these items is really worth your money. I mean, when you really get down to it, think for a moment; Why would you want to spend $400 on a box with a controller that lets you move someone around on a screen and progress through a story? Is that supposed to be entertaining? Are you really that entertained by such a feeble attempt at storytelling? Because I sure as hell am, which is why I'm planning on stealing both of these systems and blaming it all on vigorous amounts of Grand Theft Auto binging. Jack Thompson, you're my hero!




Who the hell uses "Allow" as a greeting anymore? 'cept this guy...


Oh well, I better say allow.

As for questions to whichever the question answerer is.

How would you classify games such as Monkey Island and the Longest Jouney (which just happens to be quite long). I know they don't have experience or working up, BUT they do let you play as the main character person ( whether that be boy or girl).

Why is it that the Nintendo, have not had many decent Rpg's on there systems since the SNES (I can count the 64's on my hand). Is this a problem from Nintendo's side.

Lastly. have you heard any news on Baulder's Gate 3 for the computer. Will it be released.

Anywho thanks and I hope that one of you will make a great replacement for Goog's.

Bainick


Kresent Phresh


What the hell kind of name is "Bainick"? Are you Norse?

Anyway... First of all, games such as Monkey Island and The Longest Journey (Sounds a bit too long for my tastes, but it might be perfect for the taste of a female friend of mine. BAHAHAHA! Oh, man, I'm great...) are classified as "Run-Around-And-Do-@#$&" games. In these games, for lack of a better term, you just run around and do @#$&. Unfortunately, URLs don't allow the use of character symbols, so we can't really bring you the latest news on RUNAROUNDANDDO@#$&amer.com, but keep your fingers crossed -- You never know for sure.

In regards to RPGs on Nintendo systems, there's a distinct reason why Nintendo has been at the bottom of the priority list for many of the big RPG developers. Y'see, Nintendo held a large conference in downtown...Shu...kin...jiwala, and they cordially invited several people who didn't know what cordially meant. Let me look that one up, I'll be right back with you... Oh, okay, good. It still applies. So, yeah, um... Nintendo...had this conference thing going on and everyone was just "chirrin" while the caterers came in. Little did they know, all the Deviled Eggs contained Salmonella and many people got sick! Yeah, that works! So, yeah, everyone got sick and they came down with Hepatitis 4 and AIDS and whatnot, so they're all kinda pissed off at Nintendo. I would be, too, wouldn't you?

....Okay, yeah, I have no idea why. But that was a good guess. Anyone wanna figure that one out for me?

Oh yeah, you had another question. Baldur's Gate 3, huh? Well, it was recently acquired by Microsoft. Next question.



Hey kid! I'm a computer!


Dear Sir/Madam

You're pre-approved for a mortgage of $420,000 for as little as $400.

Don't worry about your credit, we don't care.
Our rates are fixed, the lowest rates in years. SAVE NOW!

CLICK HERE TO CONFIRM YOUR QUOTE

Thank you,

Michelle Stuart




Kresent Phresh

Wow, Michelle! I really don't know what to say! I can have $420,000 for only $400!? This is TRULY amazing! I really hope that this is not just some kind of sick, twisted joke and that you can really make my dreams come true! Hey, speaking of making my dreams come true, are you single? Are you a fan of the "Rumble" controllers?



I don't think our alphabet is long enough to describe the cups.


Q&A Contestant,

Describe your ideal RPG.

Adam


Kresent Phresh

I love these kinds of questions. I can say whatever the hell I want!

Alright, my ideal RPG. Well, it would take place in modern times. Modern times are superly fun, because you can relate to them. And where would this RPG take place in these modern times? Why, none other than Boise, Idaho! Why Boise, you might ask? Because all heroes have to come from some backwater town in the middle of nowhere! I drove through Boise once, and all I could think about while I was there was Old Yeller.

So we have to throw in a conflict, right? Our hero, who will be an attractive 18 year-old male with green hair, is being pressured by his peers to start smoking! Ooo, that's a good one! Finally, he gives in, but little does he know, these are MAGIC cigarettes! Once he smokes them, he gains the ability to control worms in the ground! So he goes fishing! If you catch a fish, you win!

Look for my game at E3! It will be the one that EVERYONE is crowded around! And you have to be an attractive female to get my autograph. Sorry, guys, but it's required.



Look what you've reduced me to!


I've noticed that World of Warcraft has had a soundtrack CD released.

I can see a soundtrack CDs for normal RPGs, because the music is related
to various characters and game areas, and may have emotional
significance. I just can't see that with an MMORPG. What do you think?

--
Ross Bemrose




Kresent Phresh


Before you, the reader, even ask; Yes, Ross Bemrose is one of the contestants. And why is there a question from him in the Q&A mailbox? Because if there wasn't, there would hardly be enough questions for us to fill a daily column! I don't care what you ask us, just start sending in questions. You can ask me what my favorite shade of lipstick is for all I care! (And for those of you who are wondering, I think I look great in Manic Panic MIDNIGHT.)

Anyway, to answer your question, Ross, I can't stand video game music and I never have been able to. I think whoever decided that video games needed some kind of ambience to keep the player entertained needs to be castrated with a cell-phone antenna. Video games are meant to be SEEN, not heard! Hence the term VIDEO! These aren't AUDIO games, are they!?

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go listen to some music. There's this real awesome new band called "Xenogear's Creid".




Look what you've reduced me to!


Dear Random QnA Contestant,

First, the serious question. When or if you cosplay from an RPG, which theme would you go with? For example, there's sci-fi style with Xenosaga's KOS-MOS and Star Ocean's Fayt, then there's mage style with Final Fantasy's Summoners and Atelier Iris' Alchemists, and then there's warrior style with Final Fantasy 7's Sephiroth and Brave Fencer Musashi's...um...Musashi. So, in other words, what would be your favorite kind of character to cosplay as?

Second, the stupid question. On this session of QnA, Andrew introduced to me ytmnd. Summed up, it just shows funny bits of what's popular now with RPGs, video games, TV, online, etc. Anyway, I saw this ytmnd bit about a cloud song meltdown on World of Warcraft, and I was wondering if you or anyone else you knew could explain its origin if you could. I don't play MMORPGs (not because I can't, just because I can't afford it given my finances), but I do know this is friggen hilarious and I was wondering if you knew what mini-meltdown was yelling about.

Third, the suprise question. Recently, I bought a copy of Riviera for the GBA online from Ebay for 20 bucks, but when I saw it, I was just bidding for fun and not expecting to win. Anyway, before the bidding ended, I bought a used copy of Riviera at my local Gamestop for 15 bucks, and now I'm stuck with two copies of the same game. Since I have no use for two of the same thing, and I see this RPGamer contest, how about to the winner of this contest I mail the extra copy? I know its review says its 4 out of 5, and from personal play, I love being addicted to it, so what do you think of this idea? I'm actually dead serious about this, so please respond in kind about this.

That's should help with the lack of letters....

BLG




Kresent Phresh


Alright, we'll start with the first question. I like to keep things sequential...on occasion. If I was ever to go to some kind of convention where I was going to dress up like a character of some kind, I think the only thing that I would ever be inclined to dress up as is The Axe Ninja. I would make myself a little ninja hood, and run around spraying Axe everywhere to help mask the fabled "Convention Funk". My nostrils are still burning from the Penny-Arcade Expo.

Okay, second question. After listening to this, it would appear that someone is pissed off about someone else stealing their Cloud Song. For those of you wondering what a "Cloud Song" is, in the game of Warcraft, you can take rides on these weird-lookin' bird-things to get from place to place quicker, which obviously sends you high up into the air to soar in the clouds. OCCASIONALLY, one of the clouds will turn into a big smiling face that will sing the most beautiful song (Better Man - Pearl Jam, for those of you wondering). How a Cloud Song is stolen, I've yet to figure out, but I'm sure it involves a fatal amount of cocaine.

Question three, huh... Well, that's a very generous offer, but I must say, I don't own a Game Boy Advance. So I'll tell you what I'll do; Should I be the winner of this thing, you can go ahead and keep your Riviera, but if you would like to send me your girlfriend instead, I would be more than happy to accept her as a prize. And in the event that you have no girlfriend, just...keep me in mind once you get one.






C L O S I N G
IN CONCLUSION:

Are you actually still with me? Wow, that's almost shocking. If you're reading this, I commend you. Not that I know who you are, but that's beyond the point. In any case, I'm relatively tired at the moment, so I think it's time I lay down and get some sleep, so that I may wake up tomorrow and think of other new and exciting ways to destroy my faith in humankind. But if you could be so kind as to actually send us in some questions, that would be awfully sweet of you. We're a bit depleted. Like I said, ask us whatever you want. Chances are, I'm not too ashamed to answer you. In fact, I may just surprise you.

Kresent Phresh is accepting Paypal Donations to feed his Ritilin Addiction at the hotlinked address. He's also too lazy to make a signature.


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