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   Boardie Sucks Up  
Dan Wester - July 20th, '02 - 11:00pm Central Daylight Time

Viper: While Brian Andrew Rogovitz and David had their nice little reunion, they needed someone to fill in for today. LordBrian, being the little whore he is, decided I should be your host. So, to lighten the mood some, I invited one of our well-respected boardies as a guest. So, for those of you who don't go to the Message Boards, let me introduce Desh.

Desh: So I randomly bug Viper [incessantly] that RPGamer should have me guest host on Q&A. Because, you know, I'm so famous at the boards, or something like that. That, and I'm feeling evil lately.

Mmm, broken grammar... *eats*

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A lame Q&A host with guest.

First letter of the day

Danielle? (It was LB!),

1. Which one of the non-americanized Square RPG's do you want Square-Enix to localize? Personally I'd want to see an english version of Final Fantasy III.

2. If LordBrian thinks horribly of sodomy with an N64 controller, let him imagine THAT with the NA controller of the X-Box. 0_0

3. I've been hearing some news around that the localization of Tales of Destiny 2 (the REAL sequel) was just abandoned. Is this true? NNNOOO!! It can't be true right?

-- MeoTwister5

Gabe "Buttsex again?" Ang

Viper: 1. Why would you want Final Fantasy III to come over? I mean, they'll just rename some of the characters like Desh to Dach. Can you live with those kinds of changes?

2. There are worse fates then X-Box controllers, like... pissing in the pants. Or not finding your tool to piss with.

3. Er, as far as I know, it isn't being localized. But if you keep your eye on our coverage, you'll know when they do start localizing it.

Desh: 1. If Final Fantasy III doesn't find it's way to America, I will personally lay waste to Japan and all the people therein. Final Fantasy III had way too many great things going for it, and I'm absolutely dying to have more people to discuss my FFIII --> FFVIII theory with.

Why yes, Final Fantasy VIII may very well be the very distant sequel to Final Fantasy III. But forget that ^^

*tries to keep from strangling Viper*

2. Penny Arcade would have an absolute blast with that. Also, I'm not above paying money to see said staffer with said controller inserted into his nether regions.

3. I'm sure Cless will provide a shoulder for you to cry on, Mr. Buttsex.

 
Let me talk about myself for 6 paragraphs

Holy shoot!!!! I just saw a trailer for Dungeon Siege II and well...I kinda wet myself in utter ecstasy. If you excuse me, I gotta change my pants *runs off*

Okay that's better, (Yes that's right, I did just create a paragraph, special me) I am now clean. Everyone who reads this, you must go! And watch the Dungeon siege 2 trailer, cause it rocks. It's just so cool. Definitely a must get. I have now drooled all over my keyboard...*runs downstairs to use his laptop to finish letter*

Okay, anyway moving on. So your Viper, eh? I heard some good things about you, then again I also heard good things about Duffy, and look at him. He's so, Duffy...ish. Yes, that is right, I am learnded in the English grammar. Books make my English speaking good.

Now for something completely different. Can you tell the Brian who claims he is a lord that Wingcommander is one word, ONE WORD. Yes that's right, I, like Duffy, remark on peoples grammatical and spelling errors (including my own, and when I make an error, I bang my face against my desk. I now have a giant bruise where my face used to be).

I've figured out why my letters keep getting posted in Q&A, because you guys are posting everyone's letters. Oh, and you should fire Duffy, and hire Alethea as the main Q&A girl. She's the only nice on of the bunch. And she's married (or maybe that's because she's married). Yes that's right I read the Bios of all of you Mwaha. Yes that's right, I can read.

Now on to my question, I noticed that you don't have anything on Dungeon Siege 2, well why don't you find stuff. Dungeon Siege 2 looks like it's better than the first. Much better. You must find everything you can on this game, and give it to someone, to update the main page. Also, after you do some research, tell me, what do you think of said game?

Well that's all folks
From, you guessed it, WingcommanderIV

The Price of Freedom is Eternal Vigilance

Viper: You heard good things about me? Where is this person? I don't think such a person exists, because all people hate me.

Quote from LordBrian: "You are, of course, welcome to spell your name any way you wish. And you do indeed have the right to correct people when they spell your name incorrectly. However, I was referring to the game series in my response, and there is indeed a space in the title. In conclusion, you are WRONG." So you obviously suck.

Alethea won't be doing Q&A for a long time, because she had more letters when Tadrith and I did our Q&A, we threw her into a dark abyss.

Desh: Congratulations! You splooged over a game trailer, tried to zing my good friend Viper, tried to correct LordBrian, expressed your interest in a married woman, and improved your looks all in one email! I can only hope to accomplish so much in a morning's constitutional on the john.

Of course, you DID at least attempt to correct LordBrian, and for that I award you a small token of my gratitude. <3

No, they're not boobs.

 
Q&A at its worst

All hail...the poisonous Viper?

1. 1)Something that confuses me about RPG’s. Where are the toilets in the games? Come on now, we all know that after fighting 100 monsters or so we need to go and take a break. I've come up with the idea, that since in very few RPG’S they include bathrooms, and showers, that the reason we have no magic is that we take showers and use the toilet. Really, the heros in RPG’S fend off monsters with, their smell! Yes folks this is true, and magic is a whole different concept. Fire comes from, heart burn. Water comes from, our wastes. Ice must be from back wash. Lightning is therefore from vomit. That leaves us with attacks like comet, meteor, and death. Well these can also be explained. Comet and meteor come from the heros throwing poo at the monsters. And the final attack death, is from diarrhea. If only our society could figure out that the only reasons why aliens are coming to earth, is that our showers and toilets prevent us from being able to fend them off in any way.

2)What kind of people are gamers? We sit in front of screens all day, keep friends over the internet. Losing friends that actually don’t live on the other side of the country. And not letting anyone into our lives except the screens. Can't we all learn to get outside and enjoy sunlight? Or are we all just depressed people, with no life at all because we cannot rip our eyes away from the screens? Is this all worth it, the bullying we go through at school, the days we sit by ourselves, the lives we dream of? All we get in return, is saving a fantasy world from destruction, helping innocent NPC's, and losing our lives? Are gaming companies just out there to make our lives pitiful and tear us away from the people we love?

MitsunesHatz~ Cockroaches are okay, but scared of turtles. That’s amazing.

Viper: ARG, I'm not poisonous, my nick is based off the little ship in Gradius called the Vic Viper.

1. Since when did pixels need to go to the bathroom?

2. I don't know about you, but I work, socialize, go to school, eat, sleep, and several other things of importance, before I worry about what game I should play.

Desh: 1. The obvious flaw with your theory, of course, is that you don't include any way to account for white magic. Thankfully, I have done my research in Crappy MagicTM, and I have JUST the solution for you.

Cure/Cura/Curaga: These spells are cast by the increasing aroma of one's own armpits. The more powerful the stench, the more powerful the rejuvination. To cast this spell on a party member, just walk up to him or her and raise your arms. To cast it on a whole party, run around shirtless with your arms flailing to spread the smelly goodness. To cast the spell on oneself, act like the Superstar girl when she's nervous.

Esuna: This spell must somehow cure everything from scary green poison to Athlete's Foot. Now, everyone knows that the best cure for Athlete's Foot is urine - it works in a flash. Hence, the best way to cure status effects is to urinate on a character.

Shell/Protect: Soiled undies. 'Nuff said.

Holy: Only girls can call upon the powers of nature to bring out the full potential of this spell. Yes, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

2. I don't know about you, but I work, socialize, go to school, eat, sleep, and give sweet lovin' to Viper here before I worry about what game I should play.

Cockroaches are far more fastidious about their hygiene than most humans, yourself included. That's amazing.

 
Oh how I love you Ys

Hey Viper,

I wanted to get your reaction on the bevy of Ys VI media. Personally, I think it looks more beautiful than a flock of seagulls defecating on the varsity football team during playoffs. Not that I'm into scat or anything like that... you know... *cough* So anyway, I thought I'd point out to readers that the Ark of Napishtim is really a take on the ark of Utnapishtim, an ancient Babylonia god. See, there's more to me that manicures, murder, and fecal matter; there's a brain here, too!

Walo

Viper: Ys VI... I can't help but drool when I look at anything for that game. My reaction can be summed up best by telling you that I've already preordered and have all my confirmations for it. So, I must like it?

Desh: Artistic beauty and retribution together at last!

Two letters about crap... please say there aren't more...

 
Scientific Progress Goes 'Boink'

Anywho... I guess making myself sound as stupid as possible with a subject everyone was annoyed with to get LordBrian to print my letter worked! Seriously though... my friend asked me to do it, so I thought "why the hell not?"
I really do dislike Monolith Soft for what they are doing with the whole Xenosaga thing. The new character models are crap, in my opinion, and isn't Episode II supposed to mean it comes, oh I don't know... after Episode I? What do you think of the whole situation? Somehow, at the current rate, I don't think Monolith will get through the whole story with any reasonable amount of coherency, and it annoys me when developers undercut story in favor of better graphics.
And onother thing... Why completely remake Ep. V? Xenogears was arguably one of the best games I have ever played, despite being enormously confused by the story, seeing as how it's Ep. V. I didn't mind the whole game being 80-odd hours long. If they are gonna remake it anyways, I at least hope they put some actual gameplay in that whole long chair sequence. Oh well, I may just wind up playing my original copy of Xenogears in place of the remade Ep V.
Well I feel this letter has gone on long enough. Goodnight.

Stryker

Viper: The new look doesn't bother me that much, it's the rate the games are coming out that bother me. By the time they get to Ep. V I'll be married with grandchildren. That's one more reason why I love the .hack games.

Desh: Since when have anime game series required coherency?



Quickies

Just in reference to the person yesterday who asked how to straighten stubbornly curly hair, I don't have curly curly hair, it's actually straight, but when I wash it then let it dry, it curls up at the ends. But after I dyed my hair blond, it stopped doing that, presumably because it dried out a bit. Just in case you want to give it a try.

Robust Stu

Viper: Yeah, have a hair problem too. My hair will always go into the same style no matter what I do with it. I can comb it all down, knots, whatever you can think of, and it'll go into the same style it always does within an hour. Then my bastard friends started calling my Chief Iron Hair, so I killed them. End of Story.

Desh: *plays with his amazingly long, curly hair*
...
... What?

Am I the only RPGamer on the planet that enjoys The Smashing Pumpkins?

Viper: Probably.

Desh: One can hope.

Before I Go:

Viper: So we come to the end of yet another Q&A. All you of you wondering why you weren't asked it's probably because, A: You aren't signed up to the Message Boards or don't post at all, B: You do post but you break the rules so I hate you, or C: You don't have as much respect as Desh has on the boards.

Desh: And now, after that exhilirating trip through Q&A World, I must pay my dues for guest hosting. Just promise you'll keep the chains and whips to a minimum, eh Viper?

Viper "I still need to make a sig" @rpgamer.com

 
Desh "I own Crappy Magic Incorporated, so nyah to you" @hotmail.com
 As of an hour ago I was offically named the new "Head of Media"

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