RPGuru Blatant Silliness   In the PSX   Xenogears--still!   Let's hear it.   Amuse Me; Amaze Me; Adulate Me Joshua Reid I can barely contain my excitement! Today I will interview Cecil Harvey from FFIV! After years of seclusion from the press, Cecil has finally decided to talk about his adventures, his family life, and more! You saw it here first, readers. But, before we start, I have to post some bureaucratic flotsam. "AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL" IS SPONSORED BY THE COALITION AGAINST CRABBITS (CAC) AND THE NATIONAL SOCIETY FOR THE INTERNATIONAL PROPAGATION OF PINK FLOYD TUNES (NSIPPFT). THIS PIECE IS PURE SATIRE, AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. INTERVIEW MAY ALSO CONTAIN SPOILERS OF FFIV. AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART 1 Joshua: Wow, this is just great. I can't wai--wait! Is that him? Cecil: Hello Joshua. Joshua: Take a seat, take a seat. Cecil: Thank you very much. Joshua: How have you been? It's been a long time since we last talked. Cecil: Actually, Joshua, I don't believe we ever have talked. Joshua: Semantics. So how are you? Cecil: Very well, thank you. Rosa and I have just celebrated our seven year anniversary, the kids are growing like weeds, and the kingdom is-- Joshua: Mmmmhhh, that's great, so let's get to the important stuff. Why the long absence? Are we going to see you in another video game? Cecil: I sincerely doubt it. Actually, I'm grateful that-- Joshua: What about Secret of Evermore? You appeared in that, didn't you? Cecil: No. That wasn't me. Joshua: Whoever it was, they had your name, and mentioned Rosa-- Cecil: It wasn't me. Joshua: Jeez, don't be so defensive. We have to go to a letter. We'll be right back with Cecil! CAC, Citan, Sailor Moon 1. Can I join the CAC? I DESPISE crabbits. I was pondering naming the pink icky thing after my boyfriend (I was mad at him that night, but I thought otherwise, and I'm GLAD I did!) but I quickly decided against it. I'm not inhumanely cruel. So can I join the CAC? 2. Does it annoy anyone else that Citan doesn't use contractions when he talks? 3. What's the ultimate meaning of life, the universe, and everything? 4. Do you like Sailor Moon? (I think you might have said something about it before, but I don't remember.) Joshua: 1. Of course you can join. The CAC seeks members with two prime qualifications: a. Crabbit Hatred-you detest crabbits. Period. Whenever you see one, you stick its head into the bottom of a riding lawnmower. b. Humanitarianism--you want to enlighten your brethren and sistren about this threat to life, liberty, and the pursuit of a crabbit-free video game. Ultimately, you are cleansing your beloved country of an oppressing cloud of cuteness. Think of yourself as a hero, a saint. If you have these two traits and wish to join the crusade, then send $25 in unmarked bills to: CAC HQ, Middle-of-Nowhere, Wyoming 1435 Any questions? Call 1-800-CRABBITSMUSTDIE 2. I think Square was trying to make Citan sound more sophisticated. 3. Something to do with 42 marshmallows. I'm serious. 4. Sailor Moon is a great series to avoid at all costs. AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART 2 Joshua: So, Cecil, the next slew of questions are about your quest for the Crystals. What was your toughest challenge? Cecil: There were many challenges I had to surmount, Joshua, but I would have to say that the most arduous one was when I had to face myself on Mount Ordeals. Joshua: Uh-huh. Cecil: I had to come to grips with the evil within myself--accept its existence and move on. I wanted to lash out at it, strike it, but my father-- Joshua: Yeah, okay, that's great Cecil. How did you know to use the Crystal on Zeromus? Cecil: Funny you asked that Joshua, because my discovery of its powers was quite by accident. Edge was tossing everything in our inventory at it, and we were running out of Excaliburs to throw, so I pulled out the Crystal to hand to him, and well, you know what happened next. Joshua: Was he tough? Cecil: Zeromus? Joshua: No Quicksilver I was talking about FuSoya. Of course Zeromus! Duh. Cecil: Well, yeah, he was quite a formidable opponent. If it wasn't for Rydia summoning Bahamut and Leviathan, Edge's swift swords and my darling wife's healing magic, I don't-- Joshua: You're whipped aren't you? Cecil: Eh, excuse me? Joshua: Rosa has you whipped, doesn't she? Cecil: I can't follow your logic here. Joshua: How's about a test: Who is cuter in a bathing suit--Lara Croft , Aya Brea, or Tifa Lockheart? Cecil: Er--I don't have an opinion on that subject. Joshua: Ha! Do you love Rosa? Cecil: Of course I do, she's the most important-- Joshua: Ha! Whipped cream, pal, you are one whipped king. Cecil: Please don't call me that. Joshua: We'll be right back with Cecil in a moment, readers. [Insert Title Here] I would like to make a comment on women in the gaming industry, a concept that I haven't even given a thought about until recently. Ever since reading the letters in your column I have noticed more and more about how women actually play RPGs and not just stupid Barbie Games(generalization). These letters have opened up my eyes about how people than Males enjoy RPGs. I would love to chat with a girl about RPGs and how they feel about them as a second to the Male opinion that I can get from any one of my friends. I would also like to meet someone out there who loves the Lufia Series as much as I do. I think that many males eyes were opened by the letters from these women and also they have realized a type of girl that they would love to date.(I know I would). So, Cheers to women RPGamers, and thanks for the chance to share my feelings. -Awakened Gamer Joshua: RPGLoveline is open for business! Sensitive, RPG-loving man seeking Lufia-lover. The mailbox is open! AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART 3 Joshua: Weee're back ladies and gents, with Mr. Whipped. Cecil: Please don't call me that. Joshua: Well okay . . . let's see what you've "whipped" out of your wallet just now, why it's a young "whippersnapper" of a lad! Cecil: That's my son, five years, Kain, and there's his little sister, just turned two, Rydia. Joshua: Hey, they don't look anything like you at all. You don't suppose Rosa-- Cecil: She would never do anything like that! Joshua: Heh, heh. Just kidding. Cecil: This is an outrage! What kind of an interview is this? Joshua: What's that? A postcard from Golbez? Cecil: Yeah, I got it about two years ago. Mail takes awhile to get here. Joshua: Are they sunbathing? Is that a Speedo FuSoya's wearing? Yech. Cecil: [reading] "Salutations brother! We were just passing a star, so we thought we'd get some sun. Fussie-- Joshua: Fussie? Cecil: That's my brother's nickname for FuSoya. "Fussie burned a little, but we had a great time nonetheless. Give our love to Rosa and the children. Chow. -Golbez and Fussie." Joshua: Why doesn't Golbez ever remove that mask of his? Cecil: Maybe I received all the looks in the family. Joshua: I doubt it. Hey, don't you think it's kind of weird, your brother and some old man drifting around in a planet together, all alone with a bunch of sleeping Lunarians? I mean, what do they do on that desolate moon? They can't play cards all the time. Cecil: I never really thought about it. Joshua: Ha! I have my suspicions, as do my astute readers, no doubt! Let's take a break! FFVIII Battle Spoilers Ahead 1-How can Elemental Gearbolt be classified as an RPG? It's a shooter with a fantasy setting. Does the setting define the genre of the game? I don't think so. 2-Why is it that Squaresoft always brings out a new game with a cool engine, and then just scraps it? I'm sure we'll never see Xenogear's engine ever again, and it's one of the best! FFV had a killer class system, which was used in FFT, but it wasn't really used in another non-strategy RPG. 3-Does the fact they are taking away MP for FFVIII make you nervous? It's making me nuts. I don't want to have to kill 10000 monsters before going to a dungeon so I have enough spells to cure my guys... 4-No offense, man, but the crabbit thing is getting old. Real old. I mean, there's a limit to how much you can squeeze out of one joke, and I think that limit was broken the second day the word crabbit was mentioned. -Rick Joshua: 1. Gearbolt has experience, and you gain levels. That's the only rational I can see for a Elemental Gearbolt RPG case. The setting has nothing to do with a game's classification. There are some futuristic RPGs (Fallout) out there as well as some modern day (Earthbound, Secret of Evermore) ones. 2. I think Squaresoft is an innovation-orientated company. They always want to move forward, change the pace, so that their products never become formulaic or stagnant. I respect their resolve, but I also remember a hackneyed but fit saying, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." You may be happy to know that there will be many Xenogearesque engines in the future--Dragon Quest, Thousand Arms, etc. 3. I'm definitely skeptical--I think Square's attempts at streamlining have gone a little too far, but I'll wait until I play the demo at least before I formulate an opinion. 4. All right, all right. I'll lay off the Crabbits next column. I was only trying to help you understand the gravity of the situation. *sigh* Don't tell me I didn't warn you . . . AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART 4 Joshua: So Cecil, how are the rest of the gang doing? Cecil: Very well. Rydia has just started Baron's first desegregated school, where monsters and children can learn together, and prejudice and fear will dissipate. Joshua: Ho-hum. How is it faring? Cecil: Well, there was an incident in the park where the a silly child called Bahamut's son "Toad face," and that almost created a scene, but Rydia straightened it out, of course. She always does. Joshua: What about Edge? Did he ever hook up with Rydia? Cecil: Not yet, I'm afraid. He's still trying to this day, though. Joshua: Ha! How about that spoony bard? Cecil: Edward's well. His subject's adore him. In fact, thanks to Edge, Yu Yang, Edward, and Giott's respective rules, it's been very peaceful everywhere, especially here in Baron. To pass the time, I've been experimenting with Chocobo breeding and racing. Do you know how to create a Gold Chocobo? Joshua: Yawn. That's such old news. You mentioned that you wouldn't make another appearance in a video game--what about your kids? Cecil: Not likely. This isn't the Cid Family, you know. Joshua: How true. Let's take a break, shall we? Hmmmm . . . Why are all you people talking about Ehrgheiz still yet to come out in the United States!? I saw Ehrgheiz at my town's Blockbuster and I almost rented it (Kartia looked much more interesting). Am I in the future, or are we all in some inter-time-dimensional World Wide Web where I am communicating with people from 1997? My head is starting to hurt. . . . -Matt Elder Joshua: Matt, my friend, listen to me. Cocaine bad. Make you see things. No do Cocaine. Gotcha? AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-THE FINAL CHAPTER Joshua: This is going very well, wouldn't you agree? Cecil: I'm not so sure. Joshua: Well, time is running out, so no more Mister Nice Journalist. What's your favorite color? Cecil: Blue. Joshua: What's your favorite band? Cecil: Pink Floyd. Joshua: Correct. What's your stance on Crabbits? Cecil: Crabbits? What are they? Joshua: Don't avoid the question. Are you pro-Crabbit or anti-Crabbit? Cecil: I'm not sure I-- Joshua: Yes or no, you Goodie Two-Shoes Paladin! Cecil: Pro? Joshua: How dare you slander yourself in front of your fans! Cecil: Now that you mention it, I think Rosa has a pet crabbit named Fluff. The kids love him. Joshua: Loathsome cur! Leave the premises immediately! Cecil: Gladly. Readers, I truly feel for you. Joshua: Get out! GET OUT! What a disappointment. I expected so much more out of him. Just goes to show you, the celebrities are never what you expect in real life. THIS CONCLUDES "AND INTERVIEW WITH CECIL," SPONSORED BY THE CAC AND NSIPPFT. ANY REPRODUCTION OF THIS TRANSCRIPT WITHOUT WRITTEN CONSENT BY THE AUTHOR IS ENCOURAGED. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO READ MORE OF THE CRITICALLY-SHUNNED RPG INTERVIEW SERIES, PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR DESIRES TO THE AUTHOR. FFVI Semi-Spoiler It's been 2 hours since I've been trying to write this letter because I want a letter to be printed on Your section so bad, But I didn't find anything to ask. I'm so desperate and Now I'm sure my letter won't be printed. I've been rejected all my life. All I won in a my life is bubble gum from my grandma and we were only 2 contestants. And worst of all I live In Canada... Well I hope you read it but I know this will not be printed because I'm so unlucky. I might as well boost my chances with a little question: Is Shadow Relm's Father? You probably think I'm pathetic. Nice meeting you. -Rudy, The Unlucky Shmo Joshua: I'm sorry Rudy, but I can't print your letter. I hope you understand. All evidence seems to point to Shadow's paternal relationship with Relm. Zelda Better than FF? I am a major video-game player with both N64 and Playstation. I have FF II(U.S.) III and VII. I also own all the Zelda games. I am wondering if Zelda 64 will topple the FF empire or will it be a diversion until FF8. Help me decide!!! -Sephiroth84 Joshua: Personally, I think Zelda 64 will just be another Mario 64. I'm impressed with the graphics thus far, but not much else. I'll just have to wait and see. The Final Fantasies and Zeldas are so vastly different in style that I think a comparison isn't viable. Scattered Thoughts: Crabbits are cabbits, dabbits, or any other fluffy rabbit-thing found in Xenogears, Secret of Mana, Anime, and elswehere. My campaign against their demonic plans have created much controversy and criticism. Matt informs us that Square has created/published a baseball game. Check out http://www.square.co.jp/squaresoft/psgame/sls/sls.html. Warning! Two readers have condemned Dragon Seeds as a crappy game, and one reader says Bushido Blade 2 is a disappointment. Maybe you should rent these before putting them on the Christmas list. Rev. Dr. David Francis Smith gave this site for Dragon Valor information, headline.gamespot.com/news/98_10/14_valor/index.html. Aagh, I have a headache! Must go home now. -Joshua Reid, wishing he could tell Heaven from Hell. "I am madness maddened." -Captain Ahab, Moby Dick.