Amuse Me; Amaze Me; Adulate Me
I can barely contain my excitement! Today I will
interview Cecil Harvey from FFIV! After years of seclusion
from the press, Cecil has finally decided to talk about his
adventures, his family life, and more! You saw it here
first, readers. But, before we start, I have to post some
"AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL" IS SPONSORED BY THE COALITION
AGAINST CRABBITS (CAC) AND THE NATIONAL SOCIETY FOR THE
INTERNATIONAL PROPAGATION OF PINK FLOYD TUNES (NSIPPFT).
THIS PIECE IS PURE SATIRE, AND NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
INTERVIEW MAY ALSO CONTAIN SPOILERS OF FFIV.
AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART
Joshua: Wow, this is just great. I can't
wai--wait! Is that him?
Cecil: Hello Joshua.
Joshua: Take a seat, take a seat.
Cecil: Thank you very much.
Joshua: How have you been? It's been a long time
since we last talked.
Cecil: Actually, Joshua, I don't believe we ever
Joshua: Semantics. So how are you?
Cecil: Very well, thank you. Rosa and I have just
celebrated our seven year anniversary, the kids are growing
like weeds, and the kingdom is--
Joshua: Mmmmhhh, that's great, so let's get to the
important stuff. Why the long absence? Are we going to see
you in another video game?
Cecil: I sincerely doubt it. Actually, I'm
Joshua: What about Secret of Evermore? You
appeared in that, didn't you?
Cecil: No. That wasn't me.
Joshua: Whoever it was, they had your name, and
Cecil: It wasn't me.
Joshua: Jeez, don't be so defensive. We have to go
to a letter. We'll be right back with Cecil!
CAC, Citan, Sailor
1. Can I join the CAC? I DESPISE crabbits. I was
pondering naming the pink icky thing after my boyfriend (I
was mad at him that night, but I thought otherwise, and I'm
GLAD I did!) but I quickly decided against it. I'm not
inhumanely cruel. So can I join the CAC?
2. Does it annoy anyone else that Citan doesn't use
contractions when he talks?
3. What's the ultimate meaning of life, the universe, and
4. Do you like Sailor Moon? (I think you might have said
something about it before, but I don't remember.)
1. Of course you can join. The CAC seeks members with two
a. Crabbit Hatred-you detest crabbits. Period. Whenever
you see one, you stick its head into the bottom of a riding
b. Humanitarianism--you want to enlighten your brethren
and sistren about this threat to life, liberty, and the
pursuit of a crabbit-free video game. Ultimately, you are
cleansing your beloved country of an oppressing cloud of
cuteness. Think of yourself as a hero, a saint.
If you have these two traits and wish to join the
crusade, then send $25 in unmarked bills to:
CAC HQ, Middle-of-Nowhere, Wyoming 1435
Any questions? Call 1-800-CRABBITSMUSTDIE
2. I think Square was trying to make Citan sound more
3. Something to do with 42 marshmallows. I'm serious.
4. Sailor Moon is a great series to avoid at all
AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART
Joshua: So, Cecil, the next slew of questions are
about your quest for the Crystals. What was your toughest
Cecil: There were many challenges I had to
surmount, Joshua, but I would have to say that the most
arduous one was when I had to face myself on Mount
Cecil: I had to come to grips with the evil within
myself--accept its existence and move on. I wanted to lash
out at it, strike it, but my father--
Joshua: Yeah, okay, that's great Cecil. How did
you know to use the Crystal on Zeromus?
Cecil: Funny you asked that Joshua, because my
discovery of its powers was quite by accident. Edge was
tossing everything in our inventory at it, and we were
running out of Excaliburs to throw, so I pulled out the
Crystal to hand to him, and well, you know what happened
Joshua: Was he tough?
Joshua: No Quicksilver I was talking about FuSoya.
Of course Zeromus! Duh.
Cecil: Well, yeah, he was quite a formidable
opponent. If it wasn't for Rydia summoning Bahamut and
Leviathan, Edge's swift swords and my darling wife's healing
magic, I don't--
Joshua: You're whipped aren't you?
Cecil: Eh, excuse me?
Joshua: Rosa has you whipped, doesn't she?
Cecil: I can't follow your logic here.
Joshua: How's about a test: Who is cuter in a
bathing suit--Lara Croft , Aya Brea, or Tifa Lockheart?
Cecil: Er--I don't have an opinion on that
Joshua: Ha! Do you love Rosa?
Cecil: Of course I do, she's the most
Joshua: Ha! Whipped cream, pal, you are one
Cecil: Please don't call me that.
Joshua: We'll be right back with Cecil in a
I would like to make a comment on women in the gaming
industry, a concept that I haven't even given a thought
about until recently. Ever since reading the letters in your
column I have noticed more and more about how women actually
play RPGs and not just stupid Barbie Games(generalization).
These letters have opened up my eyes about how people than
Males enjoy RPGs. I would love to chat with a girl about
RPGs and how they feel about them as a second to the Male
opinion that I can get from any one of my friends. I would
also like to meet someone out there who loves the Lufia
Series as much as I do. I think that many males eyes were
opened by the letters from these women and also they have
realized a type of girl that they would love to date.(I know
I would). So, Cheers to women RPGamers, and thanks for the
chance to share my feelings.
Joshua: RPGLoveline is open for business!
Sensitive, RPG-loving man seeking Lufia-lover. The mailbox
AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART
Joshua: Weee're back ladies and gents, with Mr.
Cecil: Please don't call me that.
Joshua: Well okay . . . let's see what you've
"whipped" out of your wallet just now, why it's a young
"whippersnapper" of a lad!
Cecil: That's my son, five years, Kain, and
there's his little sister, just turned two, Rydia.
Joshua: Hey, they don't look anything like you at
all. You don't suppose Rosa--
Cecil: She would never do anything like that!
Joshua: Heh, heh. Just kidding.
Cecil: This is an outrage! What kind of an
interview is this?
Joshua: What's that? A postcard from Golbez?
Cecil: Yeah, I got it about two years ago. Mail
takes awhile to get here.
Joshua: Are they sunbathing? Is that a Speedo
FuSoya's wearing? Yech.
Cecil: [reading] "Salutations brother! We
were just passing a star, so we thought we'd get some sun.
Cecil: That's my brother's nickname for FuSoya.
"Fussie burned a little, but we had a great time
nonetheless. Give our love to Rosa and the children. Chow.
-Golbez and Fussie."
Joshua: Why doesn't Golbez ever remove that mask
Cecil: Maybe I received all the looks in the
Joshua: I doubt it. Hey, don't you think it's kind
of weird, your brother and some old man drifting around in a
planet together, all alone with a bunch of sleeping
Lunarians? I mean, what do they do on that desolate moon?
They can't play cards all the time.
Cecil: I never really thought about it.
Joshua: Ha! I have my suspicions, as do my astute
readers, no doubt! Let's take a break!
FFVIII Battle Spoilers
1-How can Elemental Gearbolt be classified as an RPG?
It's a shooter with a fantasy setting. Does the setting
define the genre of the game? I don't think so.
2-Why is it that Squaresoft always brings out a new game
with a cool engine, and then just scraps it? I'm sure we'll
never see Xenogear's engine ever again, and it's one of the
best! FFV had a killer class system, which was used in FFT,
but it wasn't really used in another non-strategy RPG.
3-Does the fact they are taking away MP for FFVIII make
you nervous? It's making me nuts. I don't want to have to
kill 10000 monsters before going to a dungeon so I have
enough spells to cure my guys...
4-No offense, man, but the crabbit thing is getting old.
Real old. I mean, there's a limit to how much you can
squeeze out of one joke, and I think that limit was broken
the second day the word crabbit was mentioned.
Joshua: 1. Gearbolt has experience, and you gain
levels. That's the only rational I can see for a Elemental
Gearbolt RPG case. The setting has nothing to do with a
game's classification. There are some futuristic RPGs
(Fallout) out there as well as some modern day (Earthbound,
Secret of Evermore) ones.
2. I think Squaresoft is an innovation-orientated
company. They always want to move forward, change the pace,
so that their products never become formulaic or stagnant. I
respect their resolve, but I also remember a hackneyed but
fit saying, "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." You may be
happy to know that there will be many Xenogearesque engines
in the future--Dragon Quest, Thousand Arms, etc.
3. I'm definitely skeptical--I think Square's attempts at
streamlining have gone a little too far, but I'll wait until
I play the demo at least before I formulate an opinion.
4. All right, all right. I'll lay off the Crabbits next
column. I was only trying to help you understand the gravity
of the situation. *sigh* Don't tell me I didn't warn you . .
AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-PART
Joshua: So Cecil, how are the rest of the gang
Cecil: Very well. Rydia has just started Baron's
first desegregated school, where monsters and children can
learn together, and prejudice and fear will dissipate.
Joshua: Ho-hum. How is it faring?
Cecil: Well, there was an incident in the park
where the a silly child called Bahamut's son "Toad face,"
and that almost created a scene, but Rydia straightened it
out, of course. She always does.
Joshua: What about Edge? Did he ever hook up with
Cecil: Not yet, I'm afraid. He's still trying to
this day, though.
Joshua: Ha! How about that spoony bard?
Cecil: Edward's well. His subject's adore him. In
fact, thanks to Edge, Yu Yang, Edward, and Giott's
respective rules, it's been very peaceful everywhere,
especially here in Baron. To pass the time, I've been
experimenting with Chocobo breeding and racing. Do you know
how to create a Gold Chocobo?
Joshua: Yawn. That's such old news. You mentioned
that you wouldn't make another appearance in a video
game--what about your kids?
Cecil: Not likely. This isn't the Cid Family, you
Joshua: How true. Let's take a break, shall
Hmmmm . . .
Why are all you people talking about Ehrgheiz still yet
to come out in the United States!? I saw Ehrgheiz at my
town's Blockbuster and I almost rented it (Kartia looked
much more interesting). Am I in the future, or are we all in
some inter-time-dimensional World Wide Web where I am
communicating with people from 1997? My head is starting to
hurt. . . .
Joshua: Matt, my friend, listen to me. Cocaine
bad. Make you see things. No do Cocaine. Gotcha?
AN INTERVIEW WITH CECIL-THE
Joshua: This is going very well, wouldn't you
Cecil: I'm not so sure.
Joshua: Well, time is running out, so no more
Mister Nice Journalist. What's your favorite color?
Joshua: What's your favorite band?
Cecil: Pink Floyd.
Joshua: Correct. What's your stance on
Cecil: Crabbits? What are they?
Joshua: Don't avoid the question. Are you
pro-Crabbit or anti-Crabbit?
Cecil: I'm not sure I--
Joshua: Yes or no, you Goodie Two-Shoes
Joshua: How dare you slander yourself in front of
Cecil: Now that you mention it, I think Rosa has a
pet crabbit named Fluff. The kids love him.
Joshua: Loathsome cur! Leave the premises
Cecil: Gladly. Readers, I truly feel for you.
Joshua: Get out! GET OUT! What a disappointment. I
expected so much more out of him. Just goes to show you, the
celebrities are never what you expect in real life.
THIS CONCLUDES "AND INTERVIEW WITH CECIL," SPONSORED BY
THE CAC AND NSIPPFT. ANY REPRODUCTION OF THIS TRANSCRIPT
WITHOUT WRITTEN CONSENT BY THE AUTHOR IS ENCOURAGED. IF YOU
WOULD LIKE TO READ MORE OF THE CRITICALLY-SHUNNED RPG
INTERVIEW SERIES, PLEASE EXPRESS YOUR DESIRES TO THE
It's been 2 hours since I've been trying to write this
letter because I want a letter to be printed on Your section
so bad, But I didn't find anything to ask. I'm so desperate
and Now I'm sure my letter won't be printed. I've been
rejected all my life. All I won in a my life is bubble gum
from my grandma and we were only 2 contestants. And worst of
all I live In Canada... Well I hope you read it but I know
this will not be printed because I'm so unlucky. I might as
well boost my chances with a little question: Is Shadow
Relm's Father? You probably think I'm pathetic. Nice meeting
-Rudy, The Unlucky Shmo
Joshua: I'm sorry Rudy, but I can't print your
letter. I hope you understand.
All evidence seems to point to Shadow's paternal
relationship with Relm.
Zelda Better than
I am a major video-game player with both N64 and
Playstation. I have FF II(U.S.) III and VII. I also own all
the Zelda games. I am wondering if Zelda 64 will topple the
FF empire or will it be a diversion until FF8. Help me
Joshua: Personally, I think Zelda 64 will just be
another Mario 64. I'm impressed with the graphics thus far,
but not much else. I'll just have to wait and see. The Final
Fantasies and Zeldas are so vastly different in style that I
think a comparison isn't viable.
Crabbits are cabbits, dabbits, or any other fluffy
rabbit-thing found in Xenogears, Secret of Mana, Anime, and
elswehere. My campaign against their demonic plans have
created much controversy and criticism.
Matt informs us that Square has created/published a
baseball game. Check out http://www.square.co.jp/squaresoft/psgame/sls/sls.html.
Warning! Two readers have condemned Dragon Seeds as a
crappy game, and one reader says Bushido Blade 2 is a
disappointment. Maybe you should rent these before putting
them on the Christmas list.
Rev. Dr. David Francis Smith gave this site for Dragon
Valor information, headline.gamespot.com/news/98_10/14_valor/index.html.
Aagh, I have a headache! Must go home now.
-Joshua Reid, wishing he could tell Heaven from Hell.
"I am madness maddened." -Captain Ahab, Moby Dick.