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   Just a quick note before we get things started: No more Mac / PC e-mails, please! :) This is an RPG Q&A column laced with poor humor, not a computer argument forum. Thanks.

   Then again, today's very first letter gives credence to the notion that this is, in fact, a column about nothing...

Q: What's the deal with tissue boxes? The chain is set up nicely, but then one tissue fails to stick out of the box. In order to get it working again, you have to pull out about 10 tissues. And you can't see, because you are sticking your hand into the small box. Not exactly convienent when you're trying to blow your nose and one tissue doesn't finish the job. And why can't those things be more aerodynamic? Six inches from the wastebasked, and they fly up and to the side, landing on the floor.

BSM: Ladies and gentlemen, this is truly a milestone in the history of Q&AK: indisputable proof that even celebrities like Jerry Seinfield read this column. I'm touched.

Q: Hey,

   I would like to clear up and possibly put an end to some of this religious themes talk and Square's stance on the matter. At E3, Jun Iwasaki, President of Square EA LLC, said that all of the talk concerning religious content and how appropriate Xenogears is for the US are all merely rumors. Square has never made such statements. Thus, in deciding whether or not to bring Xenogears to the US uncut, religious themes were never a concern. However, he also said that Xenogears would be uncensored, unlike Final Fantasy 7. (I can think of a few stupid things cut, like in Wall Market, when that guy asks you to stay at the inn and get him something from the vending machine, because the guy didn't like him and thus he couldn't go there. What he actually asked for was a box of condoms and was too shy to buy them.)

   By the way, with regard to numbers, multiply 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 and see what you get.

   Thanks and keep up the leading rpg website!


BSM: Yet more insight on the Xenogears issue. Thanks, Travis, I think this about wraps it up. Of course, they could be just covering up the real issues regarding the game. I mean, those were pretty widespread and firmly reported rumors; I'm sure they had at least some basis in reality.

   As for the math problem, when I entered it into my calculator, it returned "Don't you have anything better to do with your time?"

Q: hey brian

   A friend and I thought about how stupid a realistic looking person would look riding on that new chocobo when we realized it's role in the story. People won't ride them! Chocobos will drive taxi's!! It would fit perfectly since no one knows what the heck they're saying!

BSM: I agree. A chocobo driving a taxi would look much less stupid then someone actually riding on the chocobo. In fact, Square is planning on devising a sitcom loosely based on the 70s smash "Taxi" with the exact same notion in mind. Danny Devito has been confirmed to be a member of the cast, and in place of deceased comedian Andy Kaufman, Square is planning on hiring our own Andy Kaufmann. Way to go, AK! Just don't forget your roots! And, um, don't become a professional wrestler.

   On a related note, the other day I saw Richard Nixon's head with a gorilla's body driving a public bus. It must have been that strange mushroom I ate. Or maybe it was a gorilla wearing a Nixon mask. Or maybe they transplanted Nixon's head onto the body of a gorilla. OK, I'll stop now.

Q: Baseball question: Why are there *Canadian* team(s) in the *American* League?

   ~Drakhan Valane~

BSM: Because it would be too easy for Toronto to win the division if they were in the Canadian League.

Q: Hi,

   1)well since like ppl noticed b4 1998 is the exact multiple of 666, do you think that the release of Windows 98 has something to do with the end of the world? Is Bill Gates trully the devil? :) hmmmm.....

   2)do you think other RPG games from playstation will be making their way over to the PC, ex: FFTactics??


BSM: 1) Probably. What other man could get pied in the face and have the whole world applaud because of it?

   2) It's a possibility... it all depends on the success of the pioneer, FFVII. Apparently, FFVII PC has been rather buggy for and has POed certain users, hindering the chances of another RPG being ported. At the moment, I'd say FFV has the best chance of being ported next. And I'll go out on a limb and say mega-hit RPGs (like FFVIII promises to be) will also be ported.

Q: Why is it that i seem to be the only one who is really excited about the upcoming SHADOW MADDNESS , it is much closer than FF8, and while it dosent look as amazing, i think it will have a lot of potential to kick ass. SO tell me, do you think it will kick ass????????

   PS: Do you have crappy taste in music like that ANDREW guy? REM? GIve me a break, listen to real music. OPETH RULES!

BSM: Sure, Shadow Madness has the potential to be a (ahem) high quality RPG, given its unique plot and staff made up of former Square employees. Personally, though, it doesn't rank all that high on my excitement meter. It's a well known fact that the expansion of the RPG market has resulted in a watering down of the overall quality of the individual products. (Just like in professional sports-- damn you, expansion!) Anyway, what it all comes down to is that RPGs are no longer the sure fire hits they used to be, so I'll be gauging the critics' and fans' responses carefully before making the decision on purchasing any RPG in the future.

   As for the music issue, my favorite bands include REM (sorry), Semisonic, Radiohead, Fastball, Oasis, and Tonic, among others. Never heard of Opeth. No relation to OPEC, I assume? Mild mannered musicians by day, outrageously wild oil company execs by night?

Q: Since AK's computer continuously crashes, why don't we start a fundraiser or petition to get him a new computer? After all, RPGamer only does important petitions, e.g. bringing Xenogears to the US!

BSM: Hmm... Nah. We wouldn't want to spoil the guy or anything. Trust me, AK, you'll thank me for this down the line.

Q: I've been a decent follower of the Phantasy Star series. I've bought PSIII (used) for $9.99 and I bought PSIV for $99.99(!) How come they charged so much for the PS series? I'm better off buying Lunar.

   -Dean Macaoile

BSM: Geez. My wild and uneducated guess is that the seller wanted to make as much money as possible. Also, if I'm not mistaken, the PS games are fairly rare. All in all, though, I'd say you got carpet-bagged. Lunar is a good alternative. As you all know, the upcoming Lunar: SSS package is a steal in my humble opinion.

Q: What are the odds that Dragon Quest VII is coming to America? I read somewhere that Sony had picked up rights for an American release, but it's probably just an unsubstantiated rumor. What's your opinion?

   Mr. Saturn

BSM: If they ever DO get around to finishing it up, it would face tough competition in the RPG market, but my guess is that they will bring it over to US shores. If it's as good as it's supposed to be, it shouldn't have much trouble being in the first or second tier of quality, not to mention that it's the first DQ release for the Playstation and the American DQ fans are downright starving to see another DQ brought over.

Q: About the correct way to say "Eidos".. The Deathtrap Dungeon commercials say "eye-doss", so I'm guessing they're right, unless Eidos hired someone stupid to say "Eidos", and didn't tell them the right way to say it, which I wouldn't put past them, because I don't like them. Well, that's about it.


BSM: Hey, are you calling me stupid? I don't care if it flies in the face of Greek tradition, that little ad got me a cool $100! Whoo-hoo!

Q: Brian,

   I read in the Q&AK article today that you thought that Windia is the most insipid town name in an RPG. I don't think so, because Tecmo's Secret of the Stars has a town in it named "Winds". What do you think?


BSM: ...OK, you win. Leave it to Secret of the Stars to out-do Mystic Quest on the insipidometer (in sih pi dah meh ter, not insipid-o-meter, for the record).

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