The Oracle
The Oracle, Brad Lohr - September '99- 01:00 PDT

Monkey! ...Monkey. :) I just like the word. I have a beanie baby monkey, actually. Well, alright, you got it out of me. I have two beanie baby monkeys and a beanie baby penguin. But they have been rightfully liberated. That's right. I cut the tags off my beanie babies. Why would I do such a thing? How would you feel if you were a beanie baby, and they kept this tag on you, for the sole purpose that if they were strapped for cash one day, that you'd be sold off to just another person who didn't care how cute you were, but no, instead, just how much you were worth? Not only that, but I like the idea that by cutting a little tag off something, I'm actually destroying money. Brad VS The American Economy.. rar! A couple years ago it was Brad vs The Canadian economy, and we know how much you can buy with a canadian dollar these days... er, hehe.

So, this is the last column for me this week, time to take a weekend off. Since Zacarena's had some complications with his breast.. augmentation .. one of our new staffers, Veronica Henry, will be taking over for the weekends for the time being. Just as a quick introduction, I'm sure she'll do a better more complete one tomorrow, but she's from the Newmedia department. She has NOT been a man recently, unlike some of our other gender-bending associates, and well, lots of you are asking, "Why her? I want to do Q&A!" Well, the answer is, we found out about Zacarena's inability to be here this weekend, and .. oh, well, here, let me show you:
Brad: Uh, Zac's not going to be here this weekend... who wants to do Q&A this weekend?
*** Parts: Mike Tidwell
*** Parts: Hunter Wilcox
*** Parts: Mark Jordan
*** Parts: Pete Noonan
Brad: Er.. uh..
*** Joins: Veronica Henry
Veronica: Hey, where is everyone?

And well, the rest is history..

Speaking of history, I'm getting onto the letters. Be nice to Veronica. Or else no math homework answered for you next week!

Got Questions? Problems?

Ask Veronica
Be nice, or else.

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Maybe I can finish it this weekend..!
Whoa, like, Brad can answer REAL QUESTIONS TOO?!
POSSIBLE F-- er,POSSIBLE FF8 SPOILERhehe, I'm so silly
Hey Brad,

I've been a long time reader (well basically since it started, since I was around even when UOSHP was around), but that's beside the point. The point is, I have a dilemma that is frustrating me quite badly and I need some input. Here's the problem...I just beat the two lizard-gargoyle thingies that attack Rinoa during the first disc after Idea's speech. That was a piece of cake, but now I'm stuck. I am trying to get off of the building, but when I go to the spot where I climbed on it won't let me off! I run back and forth and press all the buttons but nothing seems to work, no matter where I stand, no matter what I press...So am I doing something wrong to get off the building, or am I doing it right and is my game glitched? I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced any similar problem, and if not, if anyone could give me advice so I can determine whether my game is glitched or not. I'd really appreciate it. Please post this so I could get some reader response, thanks a lot.


Yeah, I read back in the day too, actually, and heh.. I never thought I'd be writing for it. What a weird world this is. Anyways, the crazy thing about this question is that I got stuck in the SAME DAMN PLACE for like 20 minutes. I did everything. Except check the little grill/manhole/whatever in the floor on the screen with the hall just outside Edea's little throne room. That's where ya wanna go.

Dear Might Oracle,
Any news when the great suikoden 2 comes out in the U.S. for the psx.

Crazy enough, it should be here this month. I'm anticipating it as well. If another two weeks go by without it hitting shelves.. well, if that happens, I'll call my column Monkey!(again).

More Math Homework!
have you ever played final fantasy legend II for gameboy? if so..isn't it the coolest game of all time? and it was really great to see leonardo all messed up like that..who's your favorite ninja turtle, i liked donetello because he has a big stick. and real quick for f(x) = 2x-19 and g(x) = 19x + 27 whats f[g(53)]

.. no, actually, I haven't played much other than tetris on the gameboy.. mom had an anti-video game phase right about when the gameboy came out for the first time.. (Yes I'm that old..), and well, never got one after that either. My favorite turtle would have to be Mikey or Donatello. My personal weapon of choice is often the bo, but then Mikey's personality kicks butt. 2049.

Rayce, colour, and Creid
Damn, I was just bustin' out my Weird Al CD right when opened up your column!

Anyways, I was wondering if you've ever heard of or listened to the Xenogears Creid soundtrack. Is it worth getting instead of the regular soundtrack? It'd be cool if you would post this so readers may give me some advice. (Your column kicks ass.)


Heh. Creid rules. I love that album. If you can get it, do so. Mark Jordan, music-guy and crackwhore extraordinaire, says, "Pretty good. I feel some songs needed a little work.", and well.. he's really picky... in a good, he's got good taste kinda way. Which means for those of us without much taste, (and are easily amused), well, Creid rocks.

If you're lame and you know it.. uh.. do like this guy does.

Hi, I beat Final Fantasy VIII at 12:03 a.m. on September 23, 1999.

MIKE, Josh Reid's #1 fan.

No way man! I'm his #1 Fan, MANNn... man no way! NO WAY MAN. Oh yeah. I brushed my teeth at 08:03:12.29am, on Sept 23rd, 1999.

oh myBrad: On womenthat's dirty
Oracle, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Wierd Al and SLO Rule! No tickets were left though... sniff sniff. Damn you...

I figured a bit of enlightenment was in order, there WERE problems with the Dreamcast games at launch... One of the manufacturing plants got the stamping wrong on Sonic Adventure, so 10% aren't even recognized by the system. Best bet is to contact the store you got them from or visit for the info on how to figure out if your game is defective.

Ok, on with the questions:
1. If you could put Wierd Al in any RPG of your choice, which one would you choose and why?
2. Why did you do that kid's physics homework problem for him?
3. What's your secret to picking up babes?


1. Erm.. Beyond the Beyond. It needed the humor. Weird Al coulda taken out that yellow droplet kid.. whatever his name was .. oh yeah. Tont. What a flute-playin' ban-- er, I was in band too, darr..
2. It's Q&A.. it's not Q | grep -v physics ; &A
3. It's easy. I go like this. Hey. Ya'll girls who are reading this. Send me email about like, how cool you are. Or something. (it's the or something that really makes the difference). Girls like it when guys listen. Geek/Video Game girls are like Geek Guys, they have egos. So they like it when guys listen to them talk about themselves. And they're smart too, so it's not like you're listening to some girl drivel on about the latest hair fasions or something, but .. hey, these types have interesting things to say.. and sometimes the come bearing chinese food.. mmMmMmMmmmm...

Hi, I don't read your column, but...

Brad: Uh, hi, I'm not Thor. He's been gone for several months, and while I'm cool, and he's cool, it just isn't like fingerprints, dearest.

I have a quick question Thor, but first I should tell you what a great job you're doing with Ask Thor. I really like coffee too! And wrestling!

Brad: I'd think "Hrm.. months old mail?" but then why wasn't it sent to

Anyway, I was wondering if Suikoden 2 has been released. I haven't heard anything through all the FF8 hype. Of course I could just go to the mall and check, but malls frighten me. Of course I could call Electronics Boutique, but the staff there try way too hard to be my friend.

Brad: Malls frighten you.. reading frightens you.. the voice recognition software is your only friend, huh?

I knew it was supposed to be on September 21st but, like I said, I haven't heard.

Brad: There's a lot you're missing out on...

Could you please tell me?

Brad: There's too much in this world to clue you in about.. but I shall start. The road to Suikoden lies down the path of not making a fool of yourself, (or letting yourself be made a fool of) in a big Q&A column.

Thanks Thor, keep up the good work.

Brad: Yeah, I'll let him know how well he's done my updates for me the next time I see him. I dig Thor, but not by enough to want the name, eh?
I'm like, Swedish/German, not Norse Thunder-God :)

Y2K [Oh, sure, blame your stupidity on that]

And now for something completely different...
Since I'm getting tired of all the Deathmatch ripoffs (though I liked the one vs. Power Rangers) I'm sending my own type of interview.

Fashion Emergency!

Joan Creeks: Hello, and welcome to our first episode of Fashion Emergency! We'll be interviewing your favorite people! No, not the famous actors...they all went crazy after hearing my voice and died of comas! We're interviewing...your favorite characters from hit video games! Today, we're interviewing the famous Zell Dinct from Final Fantasy 8! Hello Zell!

Zell: (runs up panting) Are there any hot dogs?

Joan: Hot dogs?

Zell: Damn! Missed it again!

Joan: Well, this interview isn't about hot dogs...this is about fashion! Let's savor the word...FASHION! FASHION! Oh, isn't that wonderful!

Zell: (looks warily): Yo, you ain't brainwashed by the sorceress, are you?

Joan: Sorceress?

Zell: (shakes fist) Stop messin' with my brain then, woman!

Joan: Anyway, today let's start with Zell's hair. Zellie, were you influenced by, say, any particular movie for your style?

Zell: Are you going to arrest me for my hair, like Seifer and his Disciplinary Commitee? And my name ain't Zellie! Wait...are you really a woman? (glances around) See, my friend Squall went to a bar...

Joan: Well, was your hairstyle influenced, by, let's see, There's Something About Mary?

Zell: What's that? What's about Mary? Who the hell's Mary?

Joan: See, your hair looks like it was taken from a scene-

Zell: (gets up) Who's Mary? Is Mary Selphie's new name? What? Tell me!

Joan: It's from a movie, Zell, MOO-VIE.

Zell: Ya know what?

Joan: What?

Zell: THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKING YOU! Why am I here, when I should be saving the whole *&^#@!$ world?! (gets up and starts punching and kicking the air)

Joan: Let's move on. About your shoes, are they Nike, Adidas, any particular brand?

Zell: You talking 'bout my momma?

Joan: No, about your shoes...

Zell: I know your insulting her! Argh!

Joan: (sigh)

Zell: Hey, if your not insulting her, can I have some hot dogs? Puh-leeze?

Joan: What the heck....

Zell: YESSSSSSSSS! (jumps up, then starts walking with hands behind back)

Joan: (talks on phone) They're coming...(wearily)

Zell: Whoohoo! A few minutes later...

Joan: So, can I talk about your clothes now?

Zell: Mmmphf...(stuffs face with hot dogs)

Joan:...I should get paid more.

Zell: (looks up suddenly) I just realized. These aren't from Balamb Cafeteria! Now I'm really, really, really, PISSED! you think that red is a good color for your jacket?

Zell: ARGH! (does a burning rave, and the place lays in shambles. Joan is alive, hiding under a chair, while Zell does a victory dance)

Zell: BOOYA!

Joan: And this concludes our first guest...give a round of applause for Zell Dinct and his great wardrobe...(falls down unconcious)

People are gettin' sick of the Celebrity Deathmatches, so well, this is a little different.. I thought it was humorous at least.. :)

The Mysteries of the MagnaKai...
Hey Brad -

Hope you're getting more sleep. I can't get enough. Last night I slept for nine hours, but I was still sleepy the next morning. Gee, you only had three. That sucks. Do you hate me now?

But anyway, I was wondering if you have ever heard of the RPG Book Series "Lone Wolf". They're great, but some are really hard to find. They're kind of like choose your own adventure but longer and its set in a fantasy world very similar to the earlier Final Fantasies. If you ever get a chance you should check it out. If they ever made a videogame out of one of them it would be fantastic. I imagine it to be something with the non-linearity of Saga Frontier but better implemented.

Also, if any of the readers out there have any of these books please email me, I may be interested in buying some of them. Please Brad, you got to post this, I'm desperate.

Also, I own Final Fantasy 8 but I'm letting my friend play it first as a birthday present. Do you know how much that sucks to have shelled your money out for it and not even be able to see it? I'm playing Final Fantasy III (JP) but it just isn't cutting it!!!

Danimal "The Animal" Duett

Yeah, I know those books.. owned up to like #14 or something like that.. I don't know where they are now, I think they're gone though.. anyone else have these things and would be willing to ditch 'em for some cash? Email me, I'll hook ya up. As for the FF8 thing, well, that's cool that you're like that for your friends.. but uh, if you don't want to do that kinda thing.. don't do it. :)


I can memorize PI to the 36th digit... 3.14159265358979323846264338327950488!
-It's legit. Look it up if you want.

My friend Rachel knows it out about 100 places.. sorry.. not impressed :) (and that's memorized, not just cut and pasted from some page!)

Is it just a coincidence that the logo for DreamCast has the same basic shape as the burner of an electric stove? And do you know anywhere I could get a cookbook for a DreamCast? :)
--The Kamaka_Z

No, but we should definitely start one.. "Stop playin' that damned Sonic!" "No maw, I'm cookin'!" "oh okay stevie".. very cool.

Confucius say, "Woman who put laundry detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy"

Ah yes.. he also say, "Dog who runs in front of car gets tired."

Someone who sent in the Pocketstation Info said that it could only be used with FF8 currently. I am writing in to tell you that that information is false, the first game supporting the Pocketstation was Ridge Racer Type 4. Check the Options.

Yeah well, his tagline ruled. :P

*places a steamy hot bowl of Maruchan Ramen in front of the poor Brad*


Words from the Wise One:

Anyways.. like the last few nights, I'm really lacking on sleep, for some strange reason. :) Hopefully I'll stock up on it this weekend so that I can come back and make huge long conluding paragraphs next week.. also, I got an avi file from Cows Factory ... I haven't gotten a chance to check it out.. but it has some potential from its discription. :) Be good kids this weekend. And if you hurt Veronica... I'm gonna make a popcicle outta you!

Brad "                                                                                              " Lohr
haha, you thought that was hidden text, didn't you?

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