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The Oracle
 
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME POLKA?!
 
The Oracle, Brad Lohr - September '99- 01:45 PDT

Weird Al rocks. He really does. I just got back from the Cal Poly SLO concert, and I'll tell ya, it's an awesome show. This is the 2nd time I've seen him in concert, and it's great..funny, great music, entertaining... and not only that, but you get to hear songs that he hasn't put on any album... a really great experience. It's awesome. Anyways, I'm worn out due to the concert, so if I'm a little less than my normal Brad-self today.. well, she be the reason.

Actually, with that said, I think I'm just going to jump right into the quick of it... here goes! You're so jealous, nyah nyah, or something I'm too tired to be witty..

Got Questions? Problems?

Ask The Oracle
It's all about the Pentiums.
Baby.

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Brad Now Playing:
FF8
Well, not really, but it's in the playstation!
He shoots....!
Hi Oracle.

Just thought I'd share some of my enlightenment with everyone: a Japanese PocketStation (a steal at only 3000) DOES work in a North American PSX. Furthermore, they work with all North American games (as opposed to Japanese imports) that support the PocketStation. Right now, that means Final Fantasy VIII only. Since there are no plans as of yet to sell the PocketStation here, don't expect to see it become a big ticket item. Hopefully, (for those who imported a PocketStation anyway) game makers will continue to leave in the PocketStation functionality when they translate games.

In Japan most new games support the PokeSute (the contraction, much like "Pokemon" for "Pocket Monsters") so when they come here I suspect the functionality will remain.

Since they're relatively cheap, you all might want to order yourselves one if you can. They double as 15-slot memory cards and have infrared communication capabilities for multiplayer battles (in Chocobo World you can fight other peoples' chocobos). -wataru

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall... nothing but Net.

Brad:
Lots of people sent me this information. Why did I post this guy's answer as compared to yours? Simple. His tagline rocks well over 3 times that of anyone else's who sent the same stuff in. :)

 
I'm going to have to start a Heather fan club, especially after this.
Hey, oh great Oracle,
Wow, and I thought I was the only one who had ever even heard of the musical (or rock-opera, whatever you want to call it) Chess. Either that or you've simply heard "One Night in Bangkok." So, uh, anyway... If 42 is the secret of Life, the Universe and Everything, then what's the secret of Death, a Sub-Atomic Particle, and Nothing?

Hazel-rah

Brad:
One Night In Bangkok is awesome... I listen to it often, actually. And the answer to Death, a Sub-Atomic Particle, and Nothing is Heather.. she is the physical embodiment of the inverse of 42.

 
You too can break your very own Chrono Trigger..!
Recently on classicgaming.com they asked for submissions of interesting bugs from video-games for the mailbag. Since this concerns RPGs (and I want to be properly credited for discovering it ;), I thought I'd mail you what I found out..

You're probably familiar with SquareSoft's Chrono Trigger, one of their few non-Final Fantasy RPGs that has been released in the US. When you get near the end of the game, you have several choices as to how to go about beating Lavos. One is to use the 'bucket' to warp to him, another is to go through the Black Omen, and the last is to use the Epoch (the time machine) to fly to him. That last one is the one we're gonna use.. and you NEED to have advanced to the point where it has wings on it too.

Anyway, board the Epoch and fly to 1999 AD. When the game shows Lavos busting out of the ground and asks if you want to leave, do so. When the screen with the time counter shows up again, move it BACK to 1999. When you're asked again if you want to leave, say no (that is, you WANT to fight him now). Normally at this point you'd lose control of the dialog boxes and the music will change.. BUT, because of a weird bug in the game's code, the music will be 2-times faster then it would normally be! Kinda neat actually.. hope this isn't harmful to the sound processor. :)

-SailorScout

Brad:
Heh, for those of us with the neverending alpha/beta-testing gene, (MUST..BREAK..SOFTWARE..) this is always fun. (I too am prone to breaking the things I have, just to see if I can, my friends love it, I'm a great beta tester..) Anyways, sendin' the heads up out to the freak geek who like to breek theengs.. that just fell apart near the end. Oh well.

 
No way.. Brad's.. not gay?!
Woah Dude,

I've had a revelation. You do indeed like hot chicks, but only if they meet some specific conditions:

A) You know them.
B) They have good personalities.
C) Of all the guys around, they choose you as a friend.
D) Extra Tabasco Sauce!!!

Well, that's the criteria the room with 100 trained monkeys with typwriters came up with... that and the original script of "Macbeth". Keep the good words flowing, and the chicks extra spicy... er... hot.

~Antestarr

Brad:
If you're implying that myself and Heather have a more-than-platonic relationship, that is not the case. We just hang out a lot. We're good friends. But anyways, yes.. oddly enough, I like hot chicks. If you are a hot chick, I like you. As for your criteria.. yeah, it helps if I know them, personality is very important.. and they have to be a friend. It's all about the friendships, baby. And I'm not much into spicy food. Weak gringo tongue :(

 
lUser of the week award
I was looking at the diagnostics of an FF8 "Gunblade" (translation: Totally absorbed in the game.), when a thought struck me.

In order to get the extra damage, Squall has to pull the trigger in order to fire a bullet from his weapon. Here's what got me: THE STUPID THING DOESN'T HAVE A BARREL!

You might think, "So?" Here's my question: Without a barrel, wouldn't the bullet explode inside the revolving thing that holds all the bullets, thus seriously damaging the weapon and probably Squall's ARM in the process?

In short, When Squall fires his gunblade, where does the bullet go?!!

-Xaq

Brad:
But, but, it doesn't have a barrel! But, but, I don't have an imagination! But, but, it's got to shoot bullets! But, but, releasing an energy burst is completely out of the question!.. I mean, Squall doesn't have a sheath. He has a box. So it can't be a sword.. sword's have sheaths. Without a sheath.. where would you put the sword!? So it's not a gun, it's not a blade. I know.. Squall hits people with his winning personality. :)

 
I can't believe I'm doing Linear Algebra for you people..
Brad,
I don't know about you man, ketchup? What's with that? Anyways, I'll be off asking questions if you need me.....

1) What is the X and Y compontent of a plane traveling at 222km/h heading [W 45 N] Mr. Vector Man?

2) If a boat was, oh I don't know say, to go across a river and the river was flowing at 20km/h, how long would it take the boat, if it had say, a still water speed of, oh I don't know 13m/s, to get across the river? Oh just for fun lets make the river 30 km wide.

3) How far off course would above fictisious boat be if origonally it wanted to head straight across above fictisious river?

4) Would you get really mad if you posted this and it was acctually a few questions from my home work last night.....? Since you're so damn smart at vectors you should get this in a snap (rah rah rah!)

Chris

Brad:
Yeah.. ketchup's good, but if you're more of a mustard man.. well, have at it.
1. 111 * SQR(2) i + 111 * SQR(2) j
2. It would take the boat 2.876 hours to get to a point that is ...
3. 22.30 km off course from directly across the river at which he started..
4. It's fictitious ;)
This could be off.. it's 1:20am and I got about 3 hours sleep today. But I don't think it's off by much.

 
Cooked Moogle
Jonny Gomez: Hello, I'm Jonny Gomez, and welcome to Videogame Celebrity Deathmatch! Tonight our main event is a match between Pokemon's Pikachu and Final Fantasy's Mog in the Battle of the Fuzzy Things! And to help me announce this match, we have a special guest announcer: Crono, from Chrono Trigger!

Crono: ...

Jonny Gomez: (to himself) This silent RPG hero thing is getting old ... (out loud) We now take you to the ring.

(Ash Ketchum throws a Pokeball into the ring.)

Ash: Pikachu, I choose you!!

(A burst of lightning, and Pikachu appears in the ring.)

(Locke Cole throws a Super Ball into the ring.)

Locke: Mog, I choose you!!

Mog: Kupo kupo. (*Um, Locke, I'm down here ...*)

Locke: I know. I just wanted an excuse to use that thing. I paid 10,000 gold for that frickin' thing, and I'm going to use it! I don't care if I don't need "bounding damage" ...

Mog: Kupo. (*OK, shut up.*) (climbs into the ring)

Mills: Alright, you both know the rules, so I want a good, clean fight. Now, let's get it on!

(Five Kupo nuts fall into the ring. Mog rushes over and eats them.)

Pikachu: Pika? (*Huh?*)

(Mog rubs his stomach, leaps into the air, and flies around the ring.)

Jonny Gomez: Mog starts the match with the old eat-nuts-to-build-up-strength-so-you-can-fly trick!

Ash: Pikachu! Use your Thundershock!

Pikachu: (nods) Pika! (starts to gather electricity) Chu!

(A lightning bolt flies out and hits Mog, knocking him to the ground.)

Jonny Gomez: Pikachu counters with an electrical attack! We just knew that the weakness of flying types to electrical attacks would come into play this match, right, Crono?

Crono: ...

Pikachu: (to himself) Pika pika chu pika! (*I hope he doesn't figure out that I'm weak against ground attacks!*)

Mog: (to himself) Kupopo po. (*And I hope he doesn't figure out that this is a script and I can read everything he thinks.*)

Pikachu: Pi ... (*Crud.*)

Mog: (dances around) KUPO PO!! (*Earth Blues!!*)

(The arena changes into a mountain and rocks fall on top of Pikachu.)

Ash: PIKACHU! Use your Epilespy Attack!

(Pikachu starts to flicker at a rapid rate.)

Jonny Gomez: Wow! Half of the people here are going into epileptic seizures! What do you think of this tactic, Crono?

Crono: ...

(Crono looks over to see that Jonny Gomez is having a seizure.)

Crono: (looks around) ... Nobody's around ... finally, I can do what I do when nobody is around to hear: sing show tunes!!

(Mog is unaffected by the attack. He pulls out the Pearl Lance and points it at Pikachu.)

Mog: Kupopo kupo!! (*I won't be beaten by a Pokemon trained by a guy with such a girly voice!*)

Ash: Hey! I don't have a girly voice!

Brock: Actucally, Ash, you do.

Misty: Yeah, it's even higher than mine!

Ash: (pouts) You shouldn't talk, you couldn't even win that swimsuit contest against James ...

Misty: WHAT?!?!?

Crono: The heat is on in Saigon! The girls are hotter than hell! ...

(Mog charges Pikachu and impales him with the lance.)

Pikachu: PIKA! (*OW!*)

(Pikachu sends a jolt through the lance, knocking Mog against the ropes.)

Jonny Gomez: (recovers) Uh-oh, looks like Mog's on his last legs!

Crono: There is a castle on a cloud! I like to ...

(Crono looks over to see Jonny Gomez staring at him.)

Crono: ... I mean, ...

(Suddenly Lone Wolf rushes in.)

Lone Wolf: MOG! You're a dead man!

Locke: Moogle.

Lone Wolf: Whatever. You knocked me into that pit with Umaro!

Mog: Kupo. (*So? You're out now.*)

Lone Wolf: Yeah, but that stupid yeti hugged me and squeezed me and named me "George"! You'll pay for all that with your life!

(Lone Wolf leaps into the ring and rushes up to Mog. Lone Wolf gets ready to punt Mog out of the ring. Mog starts to Dance to counter Lone Wolf, but he stumbles, causing Lone Wolf to miss Mog and punt Pikachu out of the arena.

Pikachu: PIKA PIKA PIKA CHU SPLAT!! (* *@(!#!*$ SPLAT!! *)

Mills Lane: Our winner ... (looks down at Mog) um, I can't reach down that far.

Edgar Figaro: No problem! (lowers a crane and picks Mog up with it)

Mog: KUPO!! (*Hey, watch the hair!*)

Mills Lane: (holds up Mog's arm) Our winner ... MOG!!

Jonny Gomez: Well, there's the match! I'm Jonny Gomez, and this is Crono saying good fight, good night!

Crono: ...

- CJ

Brad:
One dash blood of moogle, mixed with one dash blood of pokémon, this is gooood

 
Mr. Belt, table for five?
Johnny: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome back once again to the Deathmatch Arena! I'm Johnny Gomez, and returning from a lengthy absence is my good friend, Nick Diamond.

Nick: Glad to be back, Johnny. We continue tonight with our ongoing series of video game-related match-ups, but tonight we cross ANOTHER boundary!

Johnny: That's right Nick, 'cause tonight we're witnessing a true martial arts extraveganva as Final Fantasy's own Black Belt, Yang, Sabin, Tifa, and Zell take on the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers!

Nick: Um....I thought they were dead. Didn't Pokemon kill them?

Johnny: That's for another night, Nick. Now we turn to the floor....where there seems to be some confusion....

*More than two dozen Power Rangers stand on the east side of the arena, all arguing animatedly with waving limbs as Mils Lane attempts to sort through the confusion.*

Nick: Well Johnny, it appears that Power Rangers underwent so many cast changes that it was unclear who exactly would take the match. We see here the Red Ranger, the Blue Ranger, the Black Ranger, the White Ranger, the Silver Ranger, the Maroon Ranger, the Green-with-Yellow Sparkles Ranger, and the mysterious Clear Ranger, as well as many others.

*Mils Lane gets tired of arguing and just orders the original five onstage. They proceed to do several dramatic poses while FF's REAL martial artists take the time to stretch and warm up.*

Mils: "Now, I want a good, clean fight! LET'S GET IT ON!"

*DING*

Black Belt: ........(Damn, why do I always get type-cast...)..

Black Ranger: HYA! Hya! HiiiiiyaaaaaaaaaAH!

While the Black Belt is moping, but standing there shifting from left-to-right stance (as that is all he is animated to do), the Black Ranger actually manages to land several kicks and punches. Meanwhile, the Red Ranger tries one of those fancy flying roundhouses on Tifa. She just grabs his foot, twists for extra pain, and then Somersaults up to blow him away, tearing his leg off in the process. The Black Ranger finally decks the Black Belt back, but he somehow still manages to fall on his face and blink several times before dissappearing.

Black Ranger: You fOol! DiD yoU not know? that you are weak and pathetic with nunchukus? haD you FoUght with bare hAnds, you might have faiRed better!

The Yellow Ranger tries a jump kick that lets her sail 30 feet across the stage, but Sabin blows her back with an Aura Blast, slamming her into the Black Ranger and slicing them up between the ropes.

Yang: "HA! In my day, we did not have such foolishness as special attacks! Observe what happens when you simply equip the right weapons!"

*Zell is completely baffled at the concept of switching weapons, and the Pink Ranger's various idiotic stances aren't helping him any. Yang slaps on two Fire Claws and thrusts his hands forward into the air, causing the Blue Ranger (who is 10 feet away) to be caught in a pair of explosions, frying the ice-elemental fool instantly. Finally, the Pink Ranger knocks Zell out of it with a side kick, and when she follows with a roundhouse, he counters with a Dolphin Blow.*

Tifa: HEY! That's MY move! I told you to stop using it! Also, don't even THINK about trying "Meteo Barret". I've known both a Meteor and a Barret, and YOU, sir, are neither!"

*The Pink Ranger returns and continues to beat on Zell while he looks past to Tifa, barely noticing Pinky.*

"I'm supposed to take lessons in originality from a big-breasted anime woman? Come ON!....OW, quit it! BOOYA!"

Zell's jump-kick sends the Pink Ranger flying, bouncing off Tifa's Breasts, smashing across Sabin's thick skull, and finally impaling herself on Yang's waiting claws.

Mils: The winners are the Final Fantasy Martial Arts Squad!

Nick: I've got to say, Johnny, I couldn't be any LESS surprised. But it was still cool!

Johnny: Join us next time when the Pokemon take on the remaining Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers! But for now: Good Fight, Good Night!

*Roll Credits*

-Nate Railsback

Brad:
Haha, I found this one entertaining.. I mean, I love the Black Belt from FF1

 
 
Quickies

I wanted to get a Dreamcast but I heard that some of the games don't work at all have you heard of this?

I've heard nothing of the sort.. I've heard they make great griddles, frying pans, and if you make pancake batter, open up the CD door, dump it in, close the thing, hit power, and wait 15 minutes, you'll have oh-so-yummy pancakes.
I'm of course joking. The Dreamcast does run a little hot, but that's the only complaint I've heard of it. But every person I hear who owns one basically says that the system is awesome. If you've got the slightest compunction to go buy one, do so. It looks like fun.

I like to boogie. And woogie. And so I ask, do you?
-Matt

I'm the boogie-woogie master, baby, and don't you forget it!

This letter's just six words long.
-Double0o7

And this reply is only six..

I like Pie. Pie is good. 'specially apple Pie. Do you like Pie?
-Sir Sparhawk

Strawberry Pi.. mmm.. 3.14 with whipped cream and some lasagne.. mmm ..dear god I'm hungry.

uggg...I don't feel well. I think it was something you ate.
Moogle Child

What're you talking about? I haven't eaten in a long time. :( I'm hungry.

*Random food comment*

Damnit, no, I'm hungry!

This is a problem that has been bothering me a lot. I'd ask Thor, but he ain't around...What does the color blue smell like?
-Hiei

Actually, I'm not much on the smells. I do, however, have it on good authority that blue tastes like bbq'd bald eagle with a bit of elephant meat-gravy.... NO. Not more food! .. :/

We, the people of SACTAF, (Society Against Cruelty To Action Figures) have noticed that you show graphic pictures of dismembered and/or mixed-up action figures. We demand that you stop this carnage immediately, or we will be forced to hit you with a damp sponge. Thankyou.
-The People Of SACTAF "Only you can prevent forest fi-.. Er, Action Figure Discrimination."

Interest groups, always out to ruin everyone else's fun.. I swear.. !

Words from the Wise One:


Oy, I think the math quesiton was the one that got me.. it wasn't hard.. but I'm really looking forward to bed right now.. Oh yes, more pics of Heather forthcoming (pending her approval), and heck, I might let her answer a question or two here one of these days. Start your Heather fan club now, kids. Last one in's a rotten egg.


Brad "I'm still hungry :( .." Lohr

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