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Q & ABUSE
MANHOLE MALAMAR-MASK
Chapter IX: In Which There is Savagery Unbound
2007.12.28

Lusipurr - 21:00 GMT

Christmas is over.

During the Christmas season, I find myself overcome by the general good cheer. I am a 'Christmas person' it is sometimes said, for it is at this one time of the year that I look upon children with something other than revulsion; I consider the lot of other men before myself; I descend from the mount to commune with my family; I practise a mentality of giving rather than receiving; I am cordial to all and sundry.

But Christmas is over.

I will now address your tiresome and annoying questions.




Deathmatch!
Someone isn't Paying Attention


To whomever has usurped Lusipurr.

It seems that the person, who responded to my last letter, though claiming to be Lusipurr, was not. There were not nearly enough insults or sarcasm for me to believe it was actually Lusipurr. What gives?

I'll just assume it was an invasion of Xmas spirit (or too much Eggnog).

Eggman

Lusipurr

A fine way to come back from Christmas, you gibbering twit! Were you not paying attention? I have just wasted several minutes explaining the situation, but apparently you are too good to READ the stuff I write. Seeing as that's the case, you are probably not even reading this. Doubtless, you are off typing up another letter filled with idiotic questions which have already been answered. I can see it now:

"Dear Wusipurr,

Can you pwease tell me what your name is? And wheffer or not you wike Final Fantasy 7? Also, why are you so mean to me? It is not my fault dat I was only born wif haf a bwain.

Fank you!

-Smegman"

PAY ATTENTION.

p.s. I'm mean to you because you only have half a brain. It's unfair, I know. Too bad.



Fan Fiction


I'd like this question to be answered by Lusipurr, if possible.

What do you think of fan fiction?

-Flamethrower

Lusipurr

Given the choice between reading fan fiction for an afternoon or slowly crushing my testicles in a vice, I'd take the course of sterility and pain.

THERE'S A MENTAL IMAGE FOR YOU!



¿ ¿ ¿


hey lusipurr,

man i love your name
it just summons the mental image of cait sith on catnip

Lusipurr

It seems one of the tiny tard brigade from the local primary school has decided to sneak onto daddy's computer and peck out a letter using one finger at a time. This doesn't explain the lack of punctuation marks, but perhaps he is too young. Or severely mentally disabled.

COMPLIMENTS are not a substitute for COMPETENCE.


anyways, do you impulse buy rpgs¿
gambling i have no problems, coffee i hate, and alcohol...well there's better ways to spend money
but rpgs i HAVE to buy
it might have something to do with living in australia and pal being very far away
it might have something to do with deciding to hold off on buying a game, going on holiday and coming back and not being able to find it for TWO WHOLE YEARS (but vagrant story was well worth it)
but if i see an rpg cheap ($50 or less which is the platinum price here =_=") i pretty much have to get it

Lusipurr

What is with this typing style? Is it typical in Australia? I realise your continent's population is comprised of the descendants of brigands, thieves, and the mentally infirm, but even this cannot explain the truly rubbish style you are employing. This is the online equivalent of a severely autistic child's speech.

The first letter in a sentence is capitalised. Sentences should contain a subject and a predicate. Proper nouns should be capitalised. The pronoun I should always be capitalised. Full stops end sentences. Ellipses marks are used to indicate omissions. The interrogative should be properly arranged, and not inverted. Sentences cannot be indefinitely extended with the use of the coordinating conjunction and.

Unfortunately, that's only scratching the surface. I recommend a basic grammar guide, some instruction in syntax, and frequent kicks to the pants whenever you err.

No, I do not impulse buy RPGs. I only buy games I am likely to enjoy.


do you like to try and complete everything in an rpg¿
I used to. things like stat maxing (well there was nothing better to do in high school) and getting everything (even though there's really no way for me to know if i've gotten everything or not unless i read every guide made known to man)
but with my games buying addiction, i just don't have time anymore (not to mention a real life somewhere)

Lusipurr

You have been to high school!? If this sort of bollocks is what is being churned out by your educational system, I fear for the future of the Austalian continent. I suspect it is only a matter of time until Neptune, in his wrath, reclaims it. For, if this is a representation of the population, the continued existence of Australia is an affront to the gods.

Stat maxing is what is done by people who have no lives and no brains. These pitiful people sit in their rooms, feebly levelling their characters over and over again so that they can complete the rest of the game without effort. This is because doing it the proper way would be too hard for their insignificant mental processes.

You're not convincing anyone with that protestation of 'I have a real life!' Anyone who has the time to stat max their characters has no life. Pathetic.


i used to get peeved when games came to other systems than the ps2 then my bro got a psp and i had to get all the rpgs (or still looking)
star ocean 1 AND 2 on psp¿!! WOOT! *cough* well 2 was really rare in pal and i've only heard rumours of it's goodness
then i was kinda miffed that dragon quest and ff remakes were coming to DS...until my mum got a DS for her sudoku fix
and now my wallet whinges me more than i did when i just had a ps2

Lusipurr

Your convoluted writing style makes it difficult to determine what you are trying to say. However, I am a man of patience and kindness, so I have alternative methods to discern the meaning. I have consulted the tarot cards and feel prepared now to give you my response to the above hebephrenic spazzing:

THE FOOL: Beware of Australians bearing letters. They will likely be drunk on cheap beer, and will try to sell you 'shrimp on the barby'. As a precaution, kick them repeatedly in the groin until they back away slowly or fall down on the ground, groaning.


and finally, do you get all the games in a series or do you do your research on each game you purchase¿
i mean...i played shadow hearts...and after that, i went out to get koudelka, covenant AND from the new world pretty much as soon as I affordably could
and probably my biggest shame, I saw mgs4 trailers...and went out and got mgs 1, substance and subsistance (which for PAL territories is no easy feat)

Lusipurr

You do realise whom you are sending this letter to, right? You do realise you are sending it to Lusipurr, who works at RPGamer? You do realise that even if I do not research an RPG, I am nevertheless inundated with information about it.

The longer this letter goes on, the more I am convinced that it was meant for the schizophrenic bastard in the room next to yours at the local asylum. Every inverted interrogative I see only serves to convince me of this--I don't believe they are used in Australian English. You, sir, are a fraud!


to some up all the points, i have a massive backlog of games that will last me until i die
but promises of ff13, ffvs13 and others on the newest consoles is just gonna tempt me some time in the future
are there people out there like me or am i going to start needing therapy for my addictions soon¿

vashdestampede

Lusipurr

SUM. The word is SUM.

Misuse of language is one of my greatest pet peeves. I was barely able to contain myself when Paws pronounced segue as "Seg-Oo" in podcast episode fifteen last weekend. I meant to mention it to her afterwards, but I forgot. So, why not do it here, publicly? Humiliating! There's payback for that comment about my 'gushing'. It's also fairly telling about the educational system in the frigid north. Apparently, they've burned their dictionaries as fuel.

Currently 'Video Game Addiction' is recommended for inclusion in the next revision of the DSM. Apparently, you are not alone, Vashdestampede. --And I'm not talking about the voices in your head, either.



A Whinger is You


To Lusipurr,

Whatever happened to that costume contest back near October's end where people sent in costumes and you would declare a winner? Did anyone ever do that, or was it a bust?

Also, this link I found amusing...I hope you do the same.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/478/

PathosEthosLogos

Lusipurr

Your link is stupid. I've seen it before.

The contest received exactly one entry, and that entry was from one of my friends. She was dressed up as something from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Seeing as you remember the contest, and were clearly aware of it, why didn't you enter? Couldn't be arsed, I expect. Lazy sod.



Olliemot


Lusipurr:

As promised, I have spared a chunk of my time to grace you with a letter. I presume you are honored. If not, then you have no class, taste, or discernment.

Lusipurr

I have no class, taste, or discernment according to you. Of course, those words from an uncultured lout serve only to fill me with pride. If I am thus angering an insignificant commoner like yourself, I must be doing something right.


Moving on, I suppose I should begin with the issues that weigh most heavily on my mind. In multiple instances I have heard you allude to a disliking of Final Fantasy X. I find this most disturbing, and I am forced to wonder what sort of twisted, tasteless individual is unable to recognize Final Fantasy X for the classic that it is. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, however. You have made allusions, yes, but you have never come forth and firmly stated your opinion of the game. So, Lusipurr, take this opportunity to tell me exactly what you think of Final Fantasy X. Speak carefully, because your response will forever change my opinion of you, in either a positive or negative way.

Lusipurr

I have never given a fig for what you think of me, positive or negative. Your opinion is not important enough to matter.

Final Fantasy X is a terrible game. The story is barely sustainable, and when it ends, it ends badly. The characters are annoying, the music is lacklustre and forgettable, the gameplay is hopeless. The Sphere Grid is built to penalise the player for daring to experiment and play around, and battles force the player to switch the characters in and out just to ensure they get the experience they desperately need. A better system would not punish players for experimenting, and would give XP to all the characters of the party regardless of whether they participated in battle or not: that is what is done in practise anyway, albeit through tedious swapping.


Moving on, it so happens that I was listening to last week's RPGcast, which now seems to feature your sharp tongue and snide demeanor on a weekly basis. There were two things that I took issue with. First of all, you alluded to a disliking of Final Fantasy VIII. To be specific, Firemyst was talking about how he had played three Final Fantasy games in one day, and they were "all good." You then said that, because they were all good, he must not have been playing Final Fantasy VIII.

Once again Lusipurr, I will give you the benefit of the doubt here, but I don't believe a man like you jokes about such things. That being the case, what kind of uncultured, tasteless person are you, unable to enjoy a game so lovely as FFVIII? Was the junction system beyond your mental capacity? Was the plot too complex? Were you perhaps miffed at the absence of huge swords and spikey-haired lads? Whatever paltry reasons you may provide, they will not be enough to convince me that you are anything but a close-minded FFXI addict; lacking the ability to understand and appreciate anything that is truly great.

Lusipurr

Someone (You) wasn't listening very closely to the podcast.

Firemyst: Because all of the games were good.
Lusipurr: No Final Fantasy VIII was played?
Firemyst: I said they were good.


Of course, Firemyst went on to say something which I did not hear properly until after the podcast. Had I heard it, there would have been altercation in defense of Cloud and Zidane:

Firemyst: I did not play any Playstation Final Fantasys, because I played good ones.

Final Fantasy VIII was worse rubbish than Final Fantasy X. The Junction system replaced stats from levels with something identical, only slower. One still needed to fight to gain stats, but it wasn't the battles that did it, it was the endless, tiresome drawing of spells in battle. There are ways around this at the very beginning of the game, but after the second disc, drawing becomes far less optional. It has a slightly better soundtrack the Final Fantasy X, and the characters are slightly less annoying, but in every other respect it is miles worse than its successor.

If I am uncultured and tasteless for not enjoying Final Fantasy VIII, so be it. But, I am not disappointed at not belonging to a culture of retardation. I am not disappointed at not having a taste for digital turds. These aperitifs may be your oeuvre of choice but, thank God, they are not mine.


And that brings me to the other thing I took issue with: you and your childish obsession with Final Fantasy XI. You MMORPGamer's have always sickened me to the core. You are all hard-headed buffoons with one-track minds, never taking the time to appreciate true games, and instead becoming obsessed with, and addicted to, the videogame industry's equivalent of crack. But you, Lusipurr; you take this obsession to an entirely new level. And if you, or anyone reading this believes I am being unfair, might I point to your recent "review" of the recent FFXI expansion, Wings of the Goddess. You spat in the face of our site's review protocols, and instead turned out a gushy, one-sided, biased piece of garbage that had the sole purpose of promoting your disgusting pro-FFXI agenda. In the end it was not a review or anything of the sort; it was pure, unadulterated propaganda, and its posting on the site was a sad, sad event for RPGamer. But then, I suppose I cannot place the blame solely on you. You are just one of the many who have been brainwashed by the global abomination that is MMO's. Final Fantasy XI, World of Warcraft, there's nary a difference. One day, the evil schemes of both Square Enix and Blizzard will be revealed. And when that day comes, I'll be there.

Well, that's enough of my bashing you. For now. Let us move on.

Lusipurr


Have you any interest in playing Assassin's Creed, Lusi? If not, then you are- well, if not, then you should. It is an excellent game, perhaps the greatest game I've played this year. If you can somehow tear yourself away from FFXI for a time, I would strongly recommend picking it up.

Which brings me to my next point. You see, Assassin's Creed is a very large game, featuring a massive kingdom that contains three massive towns. When riding from one town to another on the game's "overworld" of sorts, I was instantly reminded of an RPG. Furthermore, the amount of freedom you are given is stunning. You see, you progress through these positively massive towns that are packed with people, and these many people present an infinite number of choices. Do you save the citizens being harassed by the soldiers, or let them suffer? Do you ignore the derelicts who come begging for cash, or do you throw them aside? Or, perhaps, even KILL them? When faced with an assassination target, do you go for the sneaky approach and try to quickly take out the target and run? Or do you charge in, sword drawn? The choices, they are INFINITE. I have mentioned only a scant few of them here. Oh, and the game has quite a decent story to boot. My point here is that, by all accounts, Assassin's Creed should be considered an RPG. To classify it as anything else is pure folly. After all, RPG does stand for "Role Playing Game" as we all know, and Assassin's Creed allows you to play the role of Altair the assassin in any manner you choose. I will be petitioning the appropriate department heads to allow my review of the game to be posted on the site, and also to ensure that any sequels are given full coverage.

Lusipurr

A massive kingdom with three massive towns packed with people? Sounds exactly like Final Fantasy XI. But you don't like playing with friends (having none) so you prefer to play Assassin's Creed, instead.

I see you are using a very broad definition of 'Role-Playing Game'--one that includes every game in which you play a role. Dr. Mario is a role-playing game by this standard, as are Super Mario Kart, Katamari Damacy, and Mega Man 2. I will support your attempts to garner coverage for AC, just as soon as we cover the Mega Man and Mega Man X series.


You say your favorite piece of music is from Castlevania: Symphony of the Night? Meh. I've never played Castlevania. My brother has, and he wants me to, but somehow I've never found the time. Just to put in my two cents, I have to go with a safe bet and say that One-Winged Angel from Final Fantasy VII is my favorite. The Advent Children rock remix was quite good as well, but the original will always be the best in my opinion. And by the way, have you ever heard the piano version of the song? I was unaware it existed until a few weeks ago, and I was quite surprised at how well One-Winged Angel translated into a piano piece.

Lusipurr

You have never played Castlevania, and yet somehow you have the unabashed gall to call me 'uncultured' and 'tasteless'.

Are you an ass, or merely masquerading as one? I cannot tell, but as it stands you may well be the stupidest person ever to address a letter to the Q&A column at RPGamer--a significant achievement, that.


And Lusi, I feel it only fair to take a moment to commend you on a certain thing: your staunch defense of Final Fantasy VII. For this you have some semblance of my respect, however small. People complain of the so-called "FFVII fanboys" who ruin the game, and far more often I see stuck-up haters who adopt a "holier than thou" attitude, proclaiming that in their enlightened state of being they have recognized FFVII for the tripe that really is, and have discovered that, as a matter of fact, FFIV and VI are the greatest games of all time. And anyone who disagrees with them is instantly labeled a "fanboy." This is a sad, sad state of affairs, and I am glad to find someone else who shares the love I have for the game.

Lusipurr

That we have any opinions in common is merely a coincedence of fate and should not reflect upon me in any way. I'd rather have congenital syphilis than be identified with someone as intellectually bankrupt as you have proven yourself to be.


I'm sure you already, but I'm making sure to reiterate the fact that I got a PS3 for Christmas. That being the case: hey Lusi! I got a PS3 for Christmas! BWAHAHAHAH!

Well, the hour is late, and I must conclude this letter. No need to thank me for my time, because I won't welcome you. I am simply keeping a promise.

-Metaridley

Lusipurr

You received a PS3 for Christmas? I see there is some justice in this world after all. And, no need to worry. I won't thank you. I have something else in store for you:

You kicked Metaridley from the chat room. (Idiot!)

Happy Christmas, MetaMoron.



Flawless Victory!

Another tiresome, miserable column is at an end.

A new year approaches. Command? I have decided to make a few New Year's Resolutions, and here they are. Be warned, they are shocking. They are disturbing. They may even make children weep. (If this happens, please let me know. I love to hear that I have made children weep.)

BE IT RESOLVED, THEREFORE, THAT IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD 2008 LUSIPURR WILL:

1) BEGIN RESEARCHING GRADUATE STUDIES PROGRAMS in the hopes of finding a university of repute at which to take a PhD in Medieval British History.

2) ATTEND MASS MORE FREQUENTLY DURING THE WEEK whenever possible, the better to understand the complex relationship between Man and God.

3) EAT A HEALTHY DIET AND OBTAIN SUFFICIENT EXERCISE to ensure a balanced weight and physique, and to avoid becoming fat or out-of-shape.

4) PLAY THE PIANO AT LEAST TWO HOURS EVERY DAY whenever possible, and to learn at least one new piece a week, to ensure the musical function of the mind is maintained in its current, impeccable state.

5) READ GOOD LITERATURE EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED at the very least, to continue the habit of reading so essential to a thoughtful, knowledgeable approach to language.

6) FINISH THE MANY GOOD RPGS PURCHASED instead of drifting from one to another, listlessly playing this or that.

7) REDUCE MY TIME IN VANA'DIEL so that I am not burned out by doing things I dislike, and that I realise I am there to have fun first and foremost.

And on that bombshell, I leave you miserable peons to your own devices. Send me letters, if you dare, and I'll see you next Friday!

~Lusipurr




Lusipurr is resolved.

Goodbye, Vana'diel. ;.;

Recent Columns

Dec. 26: Sean

Dec. 24: Sean

Dec. 21: Lusipurr

Dec. 19: Sean

Dec. 17: Sean

Dec. 14: Sean

Dec. 12: Sean



A Gorey Moment

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winne embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.



My Truly Marvelous and Excellent Reviews

1. Final Fantasy XI: Wings of the Goddess



My Entirely Educating and Edifying Editorials

1. Conventions and Gamers
2. Anime, Cosplay, and Gaming
3. The Evolution of Sound
4. ESRB Ratings: Blessing or Curse?
5. Out of Time
6. The Decline and Fall of PC Gaming: Fact or Fiction?



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