The Legend of Thor Gets Some

By Mike Dore

Everyone knows that Thor is the man. As such, he has his 
own game, The Legend of Thor Gets Some. Seeing as it is 
soooooooooo incredibly rare*, and asI have a copy, I 
thought I'd tell youabout it! Enjoy!

STORY:

Thor gets a call from Tidwell, who wants to show him 
something, and constantly breaking off in "Mwa-ha-ha-ha!"s.
So he hops in his elevator, hits Boss's Office, and drops 
5000 miles down to hell, 7th level, the ghettoest part of 
hell, from which TIdwell runs his cheap operation. Thor 
walks into his office. Mike looks happy, ashis grin stretches
from horn to horn. "Let's go for a car ride." He says.

Thor and Tidwell get back in the elevator, and after a few
minutes, reach the surface. Only everyone has black hair,
and some guy dressed as Mario is trying desperately to 
hand out free samples of some Nintendo game, terrified, 
Tidwell stabs him, then they get back in the elevator, 
and drop 10,000 Miles, back to Thor's house in California.
After driving for a while in his Hyundai, Mike pulls into
San Francisco Harbor. He drives up near to a dock, then 
slams on the gas. They travel 90 MPH down the dock. "You're
the worst employee ever, worse than that damn Greenhut! 
Goodbye, Thor! If you survive, you get to live with the 
pain that Michael Greenhut got your job! Mwahahahaha!" 
With that, Tidwell jumps out, and the car goes screaming 
off the dock. Suddenly, a giant blue vortex appears, and 
sucks the little Hyundai that couldn't in, THor and all.

Thor awakens on the side of the rode. "Blarg!" He yells, then,
seeing as how east leads into a Tire Fire yard, heads west. 
After about ten miles, he comes across a little old farm, and it 
begins to rain. THor quickly ducks for the front porch. He finds
lights are on, and knocks on the door. An old, fat bald farmer
answers. "Yuh?" He asks. "I'm lost! Can I sleep in your barn
tonight? Blarg!" Thor replies. "Huh? Oh, sho. Just stay away
from ma dotta. Teri! Cmea, Teri!" Suddenly, Teri Hatcher
appears, and THor's jaw drops to the floor. After a few
minutes of drooling, the farmer goes "Awright, boy! Teri, get 
this boy a piller, then come back inside! I wunts some coffe!" 
He turns to go back, but slips and falls, then getsback up again, 
and again slips, and repeats about ten more times. Finally, he 
pulls out his shotgun, and blasts the door. "Huh? Oh, right! 
Thanks! Like, blarg!"  Then Thor gets the pillow, and heads to 
the barn. What adventures lie ahead? You have to play to find out!


GAME:

Basically, Thor goes to get Teri, only to find farmer Bob beat 
him too it. Of course, Bob sees him, and Thor has the whole town 
against him. He braves up the mountain, where he gets a vision form 
Drew in that damned Sailor Mercury costume, who gives him a can of 
"Bean-it" Artificial fart stimulant, and tells him "Use the farts" 
Thor lets out several loud ones, then learns to do several farts, 
ncluding the fireball fart, empower weapons with fart, recovery 
fart, icy fart, and so on (read: This is the game's magic.) After 
a while, he learns Bob is Tidwell in disguise, and this is all 
Tidwell's work, even the farmer raping his supposed daughter. Thor 
then reveals the truth, but TIdwell creates the floating fortress, 
and Thor must complete the seven quests to obtain the seven magical 
Blarg stones. Then he arrives at Tidwell's palace, and beats him. He 
suddenly wakes up to find Tidwell was using Dream Eater, but now 
Tidwell is dead. Then Thor has Greenhut clean up the body, and goes 
out to eat.

Thor finds his first weapon in the barn, when first fleeing the 
farmer: a pitchfork. Later, he gets other, magical pitchorks, 
and later, the farmer's 12 Gauge (must have to kill Tidwell.) 
Thor learns spells through experiences (like Jack from Wild 
Arms.) Or he needs items (for the fireball fart, you need a 
lighter, but also inspiration, i.e. farting while sitting on a 
grill. Ouch.) Thor's equipment is used for things like camoflauge,
as well as defense (like farmer clothes, or sheep's clothes.) Sorry, 
but no multiple characters (Thor don't need no help.)


AREAS AND BOSSES:

Area 1 - Bob's farm

Bosses - Bob's dog Bloodrender, his fat son Butch

Area 2 - Joe the sheep raper's farm (ewwwwwww.)

Bosses - Sheep Dog Bruno, Farmer Joe, farmer Joe's half-sheep son

Area 3 - Hicksville

Bosses - Emmitt the gun nut, the unruly mob, Mayor Fargus

Area 4 - Mt. Redneck

Bosses - The Backland boys, Mountain Lion Pack, Drew's evil shadow 
         twin

Area 5 - The Ghetto of Hicksville

Bosses - The Druglord, Chef (Parappa-like singing contest), Mr. T

Area 6 - Bob's Farmhouse

Bosses - Bloodripper (Bloodrender's son), Bloodrusher (Bloodrender's
         daughter), Farmer Bob, Kaiser Tidwell

Area 7 - The Ogre's Den

Bosses - The BFO (Big F***ing Ogre)

Area 8 - The Ambiguously Gay Duo's secret palace

Bosses - The Ambiguously Gay Duo (don't worry THor, youdon't play
         THEIR games!)

Area 9 - THe Voclano of Garsnoozlewitz

Bosses - The Garsnoozlewitz

Area 10 - Area 10

Bosses - The Aliens

Area 11 - The Circus

Bosses - The Funky Monkeys

Area 12 - The Death Star

Bosses - That scrub Luke Skywalker

Area 13 - Future City

Bosses - Some boss from Shadowrun or something (hit has to be real
         THor, don't it?)

Area 14 - Tidwell's Pretty Pink Play Palace

Bosses - Neo Kaiser Tidwell

THE END!


Well, what'd you think? Think there was enough Blarg in it? 
I'm not sure.