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Googleshng - January 28 '03- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

I suppose it could also be nothing. In fact, yesterday the space that should have contained a column contained nothing, because of multiple things. Specifically, I was having some technical difficulties (1), and nobody felt like covering for me (2). Today though, we have one thing for you. The column.

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I might as well begin by asking you to pelt me furiously with oversized, and overripe, tomatoes. Yes, I know... I deserve it. I used to be a huge RPG fan, and I used to keep myself updated back in, oh, 99-01 or so. I read your column, and Brad's, every day.... But, for a while, I was stuck in a giant black pit, which was inhabited by giant tentacles that groped me, daily (which, by the way, made me feel very, very insecure). But now that I have returned, after having ravaged the monster with granny's secondhand smoke, I would like to make an inquiry....

Where did Lunar go to??!! Working designs took my heart with that one.... (Well, actually, just a few layers of skin off of my fingers and thumbs) I just checked up, to try and re-obtain a copy of SSSC (which I, shamefully - yes, more tomatoes - lost) and I'm appalled to see that it was discontinued, along with Eternal Blue... WHAT THE HELL?! Do you know anywhere that might have it, still? And, are they releasing Magic School? Or have I been living a big fat juicy lie these past few years?

Horribly distressed, and soaked in tomato juice,

You can't wait three years and expect a game to still be on store shelves check eBay or something. Past that, nobody has ever announced plans to rerelease Lunar: Magic School, on the grounds that it is generally considered to suck.

Must... not... make... pun!

I'm looking to do a novelization of FF6 since I believe that would be a very enjoyable piece of literature. Anyway, I was wondering if you knew where I could find a complete and in order script to the game.

Well, I'm sure Square must have such a thing lying about, just as I'm sure you'd have to get their permission to do such a thing.

Oh look! Perl humor!

Yo (10^100) ~= s/gol/gle/;

How do you feel about actual vocal music during cutscenes? A good example would be the music videos in Lunar, or various Final Fantasies... both were exceptionally well done.

In other news... oh, I dunno.

There once was a host with a name,
That could not have been stolen nor gained,
It could not be renounced,
But it was hard to pronounce,
And this, of course, was our Googleshng!
<AIM transcript>
Me: See, I told you it rhymes with everything!
Them: you must be kidding.
M: No, really, it does!
T: how do you get a -ed out of -ng?
M: I dunno, but you do.
T: >_< baka...

Your limerick has an extra syllable, and a bit of an untrue statement in there. My name can and indeed has been stolen, but a certain popular search engine. Incidentally, ever since I heard they were selling "Google Appliances" I've been keeping a close eye on my stuff.

Anyway though, vocal songs in RPGs. I think of them like any other song. If they have a nice tune and fit in with the game, they're just fine and dandy. Unfortunately, like 90% of the time they are vastly inappropriate and/or just plain bad. For example. Let me just open a few mental blocks and bring up the ending themesong to Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, I am the Wind. Could anything have been less appropriate?

Defending the crown's honor.

Ok, so Andrew and some readers have been blasting Skies of Arcadia. I was thinking about buying the game when it comes out on the gamecube in a couple of days, can you say something to rekindle my interest in the game? I mean, the game was given great reviews by almost everyone, but these people seem to have a serious problem with it.


Well, after a brief discussion, it was revealed that Andrew didn't really play very much of SoA, and went in with some weird expectations, so I'd be more inclined to put stock in my assessment of it being a great game with excellent music, graphics, dialog, fun gameplay, and bosses that require strategy. Granted, I'm somewhat biased given that I AM me, and thus value my opinion, but still. You said your self, almost everyone loves the game.

Hair Color

ok, will everyone PLEASE stop bashing FF8!!!!!!

Can't you remember any of the good points!?

don't you remember the wonderfully orchestrated soundtrack?! the awesome and inspirational locations?! The sheer grandeur aspect finaly crafted in glorius 3D goodness!? Sheesh, Gunblades! how cool an idea was that? and also didn't anyone have thrills over seeing typical final fantasy beings such as Bahamut and chocobos in a psuedo real life setting? well I did, and for that reason I still hold FF8 as my 5th favourite FF of all time !!! (that didn't sound very dramatic..oh well) . And thank god for a brown haired main character! who thought that square must be Nazis wth Aryan views. I mean, nearly all their main characters are blonde! and just look at FFtactics!! theres hardly a brown haired person in sight , and the only brown haired people in it are commoners!!! argh infuriating! (FFtactics however was an awesome game ^_^)

People bashed a truckload of games yesterday. Calm down a bit.

Anyway though, when it comes to hair color, I don't think you have a leg to stand on. Let's review shall we?
FF1, 3, 6, most SaGa games- No main character.
FF5, 8, MQ, VS, Xenogears, Bouncer- Brown
FF7, 9, 10, FFT, PE- Blond
SD1, SaGa 3, CC, FM3- Black
FF2, CT, SD2- Red
FF4- Purple

That's a pretty darn even spread if you ask me. You do have a point with the weird little nazi parallel in FFT with all the nobles being blond and the commoners having brown hair, but I'd chalk that one up to the Japanese trend of color coding characters' hair to make it easier to keep track of them.


Oh wisest of slimes, a mere mortal requests a bit of your wisdom,

So, I just got Xenogears (Yes, I am a few years behind most normal RPGamers) from the website. I pop it into my PS2 and...nothing happens. The machine struggles to read it. You can hear it trying to read the disc louder than any of my other games (that all work) then quit for a little bit and sometimes try again with the same result. I notice that if I eject the cd during the stoppage it always comes out the same way. My question is do you have any idea what is wrong? Is it my using a PS2 instead of the original or did I just get sent a PoS (you know what I mean) disc and need to get my money back from Squaresoft? Any help would be great.


That would sound like a question of a bad disc yes. Xenogears is pretty much the one game the PS2's polygon smoothing really seems to help, so I can say from experience a decent disc on a decent system runs just fine. I'd suggest returning it.

The Last Laugh:

Over the weekend if I recall correctly, Andrew challenged anyone to bash Kingdom Hearts. Since Devil's Advocate is one of my favorite games, I think I'll give it a shot.

Kingdom Hearts has, hands down, the absolute worst control scheme ever implemented in an Action/RPG. With plenty of unused buttons on the controller, they made the mindnumbingly stupid call of putting in the sort of fight/magic/item menu you see in traditional RPGs. So, if you want to heal yourself, you have to take your thumb off the joystick to use the D-Pad to disable the attack/block button for a few seconds while you open a couple menus and select the potion. When you hit the attack button, you'll attempt to take a whack at whatever monster the bad targetting system has you looking at, occassionally ignoring a monster that's actually in range in favor of one across the room, and aside from running and jumping to dodge attacks, whamming this button is pretty much all there is to combat. Since the entirety of the gameplay is just bashing away at the hordes of enemies that appear in the 5 or so screens, (more in a few places, granted), then bashing away at the boss at the end, you'd think there'd be a bit more strategy involved. In fact, when you get right down to it, the game has absolutely no redeeming qualities save the quirkiness of watching the parade of classic Disney characters go by.

So anyway, that's what happens when you challenge me to find fault in something. And oh hey! Someone DID cover for me there yesterday! I'll have to give Andrew a cookie... and also, the title of today's column no longer makes sense. Oh well.

Googleshng "Who are you going to believe? The big headed robot boy or me? The Easter Platypus?"


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