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Googleshng - March 8 '02- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

Fridays... happy magical days. I get to watch things on TV I actually enjoy, and you get to read a guest host column!

Bullets McDeath: Well cadets, it's been a month of lessons for everyone's favorite intergalactic badass, Bullets McDeath. What those lessons were, I have no idea; I wasn't really paying that much attention. But alas, this will be my last column here on RPGamer, and like most guest hosts I'm tempted to say something sweet and polite, like "I'll really miss you guys." But, that's not really true...I never actually talked to any of you people, I just answered your questions, so any kind of emotional bond you may have formed with me is your own problem. You should probably have your head checked, but if you *really* can't resist the urge to chat me up, I can be reached at

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Plot? What a funny word. Plot plot plot plot plot plot PLOT!

Hey Googleshng,

Just got a few questions that have been buging me.

1) How much time pasted between the world of balance and the world of ruin in ff6? I think it was 3 years but 5 keeps naging me from the back of my head.

Bullets McDeath:
1) It's been some time since I've played Final Fantasy 6, and my memory isn't so hot since my brain patterns were transferred into a clone body after my destruction on the Moon in 1997. It probably was no more than 5, though.

Serves ya right for disobeying the Computer. Anyway, I could have sworn it was just one year, but a little double checking proved it was, in fact, 2. Been a while since I've played that game...

2) What part did Fei and Elly play in Xenogears? I keep remembering something about "types".

Bullets McDeath:
2) Types? Xenogears is another game with too much to remember that I haven't played in a while, but if by types you mean the general anime castes (Handsome Leader, Rebel, Brute, Geek, Beautiful Girl)...then Fei and Elly were the Handsome Leader and Beautiful Girl, respectively.

If you're looking for a list of every term that's used to refer to them, the lists go on WAY too long for me to list here.

3) What order do the Zelda games go in?

Bullets McDeath:
3) The official opinion of the United States Government:
1. Ocarina of Time
2. Majora's Mask
3. Link to the Past
4. Legend of Zelda
5. Link's Adventure
6. Link's Awakening
7. Oracle of Ages/Seasons

But to be honest, the main three titles of the series (LoZ, LttP, and OoT) are really just retellings, as far as I can reckon. Which is pretty damn far, I'll add.

I say when you have so many games officially in the same setting, and can't even keep one forest in the same general area, chances are you aren't trying to keep any real continuity going in the series. If of course by some chance you were asking when the games themselves actually came out, it's: Original Zelda
Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link
Link to the Past
Link's Awakening
Ocarina of Time
Majora's Mask
The Oracle games

4) Did anyone fully understand FFT story? That game had a whole lot of reading.

Hmm, I think thats it. I know I'm going to think of something else as soon as I send this. Oh well. Thanks


Bullets McDeath:
4) The second time, yes, I did. I'll admit it's quite confusing...but it makes alot more sense when you realize it's all just the backstory to the international smash hit comedy "Dude, Where's My Car?"!!!!

I wouldn't say FFT has a lot of reading involved, I'd say it has a lot of characters. Like, 60 of them, and by the end all but about 2 or 3 are dead. Stopping to read everyone's biography periodically helps.

Me myself and... uh... that guy.

Dear Google,

Hoped you didn't get stalked at the convention. If somebody did, It wasn't me. Anyway enough Chit chat let's get down to business

1. Will there be a staff profile page?

Bullets McDeath:
1. Why do people ask me questions like this? I don't work here.

Ah yes, an index for the staff biographies. Pretty high on RPGamer's official Why The Smurf Don't We Have This Yet? List. It's coming soon I think.

2. Trying to prevent sarcasm from you, with what program did you make the banner below or did you hand draw it yourself?

Bullets McDeath:
2. What banner? I don't have any friggin' banners.

The picture was drawn by Silkenray way back when, and the rest I made with Sucky Ol' Graphic Converter version 1.1 or so.

3. Do you know Japanese or somebody wrote your name for you?

Bullets McDeath:
3. I know a little japanese. She's in the other room. ::rimshot::

I don't know enough Japanese that I would go around saying "I know Japanese!" but I do know enough to write my own name in katakana like that.

4. How much religion is involved in Xenogears? Is it a important role or the story could go on without it? I would like to know for an Editorial I'm writing.

Bullets McDeath:
4. It plays a fairly important role, in that it touches on religon as institution or government cover for atrocious acts and mass manipulation. You know, basically like the real world.

Religeon doesn't play a very big role at all in Xenogears. It gives some context for one of the more amusing characters, and the wonderful phrase "undead reapers called -Wels-" but that's about it. There's vague Christianity references all over, but they really don't have any SIGNIFIGANCE to them.

5. I'm guessing Harle from Chrono Cross as the quote

Anyway, I wish you well on answering your letters

Hobbes Lionheart
"You should see me lose in real life"

Bullets McDeath:
5. Right or wrong, you're not getting a tilde from me, hippie.

I haven't quoted Harle in any context since Chrono Cross was current...


i've never played chrono trigger... am i going to hell?


Bullets McDeath: Do you even have to ask? While I'm tempted to end your sickly, putrid, disgusting can still redeem yourself. It's not impossible to track down a SNES copy, and there's always the PSX port. But be careful-- while Chrono Trigger is the key to salvation, if you actually think Chrono Cross was a worthy sequel, you're more doomed than I'm at liberty to go into.
Google: Let me just get out my map of the afterlife... hmm... no. People who haven't played all the cool games they should just get stuck in a special part of purgetory.

what is the meaning of life?

-talking 5 year old pie

Bullets McDeath: PIE ::eats:: mmm...american cuisine Google: 42!


Bullets McDeath: The answer lies within you, o ye of little grammar. Google: CAPSLOCK IS BAD, M'KAY?

The Last Laugh:

Bullets McDeath: As you would have known if my closing statement had actually been posted last week, Cosmic Defense Force Alpha and I have recently been locked in heated battle with the most despicable, christless beast known to mankind: Scientology. Alas, it seems I'll no longer have time to guest-host this column, as Tom Cruise and I have a date....FOR DEATH!!! If I ever make it back here alive, you can all thank your ol' Uncle Bullets for saving your butts, yet again. 10-4, fellow Americans.

Google: Scientology eh? Someone told me this weekend people who play RPGs aren't allowed in that. Something about us knowing how to min/max and become high priests within a month... anyway though, it's the weekend now, so I'm to be shoved in the closet for 3 days... and just when I finally killed everyone who was distracting me. Darn. Oh, wait, did I say killed? I meant uh... uh... BYE!

Googleshng "Faction eradicated."
If you ever find yourself face to face in a dark alley with Cthulu, kiss him. Just to be different.

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