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Googleshng - February 22 '02- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

Last night was fun. Winning CotM all 5 ways, playing Pikmin through in just 20 days, and hearing some of the better click-too-much lines from WarCraft 3. All this while waiting for replies'n'such. Anyway though, now I have them, and I'm back from passing out mid-column, so on with the show!

Bullets McDeath: Well, as you probably don't know, myself and several members of Cosmic Defense Force Alpha have succeeded in locating and destroying the Taliban's Weather Machine. During the battle, however, I took a rocket to the face. So, if I seem a little weird, you should try to be more accepting of people different than yourself, you filthy isolationist scumbag.

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Some openning silliness

Have you ever happened to see the "director's cut" of ARMY OF DARKNESS? While it's nice to see the original, somewhat PLANET OF THE APESish ending, for some reason the line you quoted ("Good, bad, I'm the one with the gun") was replaced with the undeniably lamer "I'm not that good." Most of the other changes are insignificant. On the audio commentary track, Sam Raimi even seems to suggest that he likes the "...with the gun" line better, but alas...

Hey, since there was a terrible Evil Dead survival horror game released last year, this is almost almost RPG related.


Bullets McDeath:
Like most people my age, when I joined the army, it was completely out of my desire to fight zombies. Evil Dead was one of many propagnda films we studied in order to better understand our enemy, and I must say, it worked wonders. However, some of the later recruits were trained off of the ARMY OF DARKNESS DIRECTOR'S CUT edition, wasn't pretty. I don't think I want to talk about this anymore.

You know, there are like FIVE versions of Army of Darkness with a total of 3 lines for that bit. My personal favorite is the one often shown by the Sci-Fi channel and USA. The rental one cuts out the context for an AWFUL lot of scenes.

Ports of games we never got.


Just wanted to ask if you know anything about a possible remake or port of dragon quest 5 and 6 to the states as a GBA game or on any system?


Bullets McDeath:
I haven't heard anything about either of those games being ported to GBA or anything else, but a GBA port doesn't seem out of the question. Until you think about it. That's right, take a deep breath, look inside yourself and *really* think about it. Yeah, exactly. I bet you feel a little silly now, don't you?

Here's the thing with Enix. While it seems pretty clear that they intend to remake the entire Dragon Warrior series, they are strictly focusing on one game at a time. So, while you flat out will not hear a word about a Dragon Warrior 5 remake until 4 is out, I'd count on one. Probably not on the GBA though, I assume they want to redo the whole 2nd trilogy in the same style.


Sup goog?

Just wanted to know your thoughts on a couple things.

1. What the heck is causing Working Designs to delay Arc the Lad so much? I have been waiting for this collection for a good while.

Bullets McDeath:
1. While I don't expect a civillian to be privvy to this, the answer is blaringly obvious, private: The Taliban and their Weather Machine. Of course, now that's it been destroyed, perhaps Working Designs can make sure that Arc the Lad doesn't take the coveted title of "World's Most Incomptent Port" away from Final Fantasy Chronicles/Anthology

Port? Arc's always been on the PSX, it's just never been translated. Anyway though, here's why Arc is taking so long. When WD translates a game, they bend over backwards to make it absolutely perfect, and it usually takes them a full year or two to do it.

The Arc collection is 3.5 games.

I assume WD is never going to try anything this ambitious again. 8)

2. Are there going to be RPGs for the X-Box that would make it worth my while to pay the money for it? So far the games haven't thrilled me for it, but that's the case for all newly released systems usually. I would also ask the exact same question about the Gamecube.

Bullets McDeath:
2. For XBOX, two nice-looking PC-style RPG's are on the horizon: Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and Project Ego. Morrowind will also be on PC, however and I doubt Project Ego can live up to the odd sort of "sleeper hype" it's garnering. As for the Gamecube? In a word, no.

It's not every day I completely disagree with my guest host. But in this case my guest host wasn't at E3, so I suppose that changes things. Let me break this up into two smaller Qs:
Anything on the Xbox horizon worth buying one for? Heck no. I've heard of like 2 RPGs for it that might have appeal to particular niche audiences, but they're both available for other, cheaper platforms. Just about everything else, by all accounts (read: not just me, honest!), looks like absolute garbage. That just leaves Project Ego, which also seems like a prime canidate to get ported all over the place, like everything Peter Molyneux makes, and I am REALLY skeptical about it living up to it's promises. Largely because that promise has been made by 50 or so people in the past.

The GameCube however has a LOT of potential RPG wise. If you believe rumors, every major RPG developer has something in the works for it. Even if you don't, they like the sucker, so there's potential there, and then of course there's the fact that it has some things in the works already. There's the only version of PSO to have a multiplayer single system mode. There's another Evolution game if you did dungeon crawls. There's a new Zelda game if you dig'em and count'em as RPGs. Then there's Rune which looks pretty nifty so far.

3. Lastly, the game you would most recommend for the PS2 or the PC that's out right now (I finally have spending cash woohoo)?

Ok so it was more than a couple questions, it happens.

Thanx google!

Bullets McDeath:
3. For the PC, I would have reccomend Math Blasters. While it's an old game, it's an excellent tool for learning basic mathematics, and talking about it all the time will get you in good with the ladies. For PS2, Final Fantasy X. I don't care if you don't like Final Fantasy games. I don't care if you don't even like RPG's. HELL, I don't care if you don't like videogames: play it, know it, love it, live it. It's your best and last defense, and that's all I'm at liberty to say.

Out now? Well, I'd suggest Shadow Hearts, but then there'd be one more person out there to rub in my face that I can't play it.

Many questions from the artist of my sig pic.

Ok, so this letter is going to be basically pointless.

First, how goes the Tyrrany expansion work?

Bullets McDeath:
1. Why don't you ask Google that, young lady. Oh, right. You did. Hey, don't I know you? How come you never returned my phone calls?

Faster than I expected. These all have stats now. By the way, anything important I left off this list?

Second, what is your favorite beverage?

Bullets McDeath:
2. Well, speaking frankly, the blood of communist warlords. But that's just between you and me, sugarbritches.

To quote one of my favorite movies, "Me Grimlock LOVE R.C.!" Refering of course to R.C. Cola, JUST AS HE WAS!

Third, do you think I should submit that little bit of Skies of Arcadia fanart I did?

Bullets McDeath:
3. Don't rely on other people's opinions for validation. Be free. Be American. Be mine.

The one with the giant Cupil? Yeah. I thought you already did though...

Fourth, my Xenogears fan page is located at Isn't it nifty?

Bullets McDeath:
4. I'm not looking until you at least acknowledge that you are a *little* bit attracted to me.

I still say it'd be funnier with the proper font, or if you could get it to actually type out, but still, quite amusing.

And now a question about a game. Which game coming out for Gameboy Advance in the next... 6 months or so... are you looking forward to the most?


Bullets McDeath:
Ahem, well...that was embarrassing. Heh. I'd definantly say Tactics Ogre: The Knight of Lodis, you little heartbreaker.

Let's see... I'm told Robopon 2 manages to actually not suck, but I'm still skeptical. MMBN2 might be good, but I still need to track down the original to make such a claim. Then there's TOG of course, but well, I personally need a break from TRPGs.

PS. Any fanart/Q&A crossover readers remember me? If so, fondly?


Speaking of GBA stuff...

Do you recommend the Mega Man Battle Network series?

Are there any other RPGs for the GBA you would recommend? I already have Golden Sun and I am not really interested in remakes like Breath of Fire II.

"Must have Golden Sun: The Lost Age."

Bullets McDeath:
Mega Man Battle Network is purely, 100% transferred from the military sector to the private sector and is a disturbingly accurate and realistic depiction of mandroid laser warfare. It will cause you to murder your friends and think poorly of women. How any American can live their lives without having played these games is beyond this simple solider's comprehension.

Well, not yet, really. But soon, our shores will bask in the freakish japanese glow of such wonders as Black Black, Wizardy Summoner, Tactics Ogre Advance, Lufia Gaiden, Lunar Legend, Magical Vacation, and as you mentioned, Golden Sun: The Lost Age. While that might not seem like much, keep in mind that I am much, much smarter than you, and own several illegaly modified handguns. That I have names for. In fact, I have dreams at night about the secret lives they must lead when I am not using them, and one day I am going to write a screenplay about it. So just watch, it buddy.

Well, I answered half of that already last question. Out of what's out now, let me also recommend Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. Yeah, I don't count Metroid-with-EXP as an RPG either, but it's still darn spiffy. Oh, and then of course there's several billion GBC games you may have missed like I did.

Subject: I know you like Phantasy Star

Above all else, ne? Sooooo, anyhoo for your perusal (This is me BTW and props go to Kevin Lillard of for the kickin' pic!)

Whatever happened to the halloween "dress as your favorite RPG character" contest? I entered and never heard -- I would have liked to see a gallery ofthe winners:)

Lady Sephiroth

Bullets McDeath:
I am not even going to start talking about people that dress up like videogame characters. Good, bad, I'm just the kind of man that doesn't do that sort of thing.

However, feel free to stop by my barracks later on tonight. And wear that dress. Whooo! Nothing like a good american woman.

Ah, CosPlay, one of the most embarassing and thus amusing hobbies in existence. Anyway though, spiffy costume. If only you had a matching Myau.

As for said Halloween contest, I vaguely recall such a thing from like, 1997... don't know what happened to it though. We should do that sort of thing again sometime...


Too bad Next Gen went the way of Daily Radar...some of the best videogame info centers down the drain. Now i get


Axem 5

Bullets McDeath: While I would like to blame Next Gen's downward spiral into oblivion on the Taliban and their Weather Machine, it seems my research team has another, more solid theory: they ran out of money. But, don't fret, PSM isn't so horrible, in research team has a new report. Oh, right. They say PSM sucks rocks. Sorry.
Google: Next Gen went poof? I thought I just didn't notice my subscription running out. Uh... smurf. Now how am I going to hear about cool non-RPGs?

*Happosai pourse cold water on EvilGoogle, turning him/her into EvilJapaneseSchoolgirl.* Wee-hee-hee! EvilGoogle-Chan is even more beautiful than regular Google-Chan! *glomps EvilJapaneseSchool's busom* ahhh......


Bullets McDeath: I don't know what the hell a glomp is, "Happosai", and if I ever find out, I will kill you in the face. And that's a fact. Google: I have no comment.

The Last Laugh:

Bullets McDeath: Well, it's a good thing my head injury subsided in time for me to get the column done. Google, shall we start?

Google: OK, now THAT'S a good one.

Anyway... now I have some good news and bad news for you all. I suppose if you hate me you'd have to swap the words good and bad here, but assuming you don't, since why would you be reading this then...

The bad news is, Paws whined at me until I agreed to let her have the column next week for some promotional somethingorother.

The good news is, next weekend (1st through 3rd), I'm being dragged to NonCon, so if you're going, you can stalk me or something... I'd rather you didn't, but you can.

Googleshng "MY LIFE FOR AIUR- er, Ner'Zhuul!"
Some of these are GREAT.

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