Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

   The Night Santa Went Crazy  
Chris Martin - December 24, 2000- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

If I see one more piece of "Grinch" merchandise, I'll hurl my eggnog. History lesson, kids.

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas" is an allegory. It's about Madison Avenue's endless quest to turn the holiday into an exercise in consumerism. It's the new American dream. "I'd like more things please."

How charmingly ironic that this story that speaks out against mindless consumerism, has been so grossly over-promoted and over-hyped. MY OREO COOKIES ARE GREEN! They can make their crappy, vaudeville movie, and the happy meal toys, but leave my damn cookies alone. They also made a "grinch" video game for PC. Hey? Why not? "Yo! Noid!" was such a blazing success after all.

All right, folks, enough ranting. Now it's letter time. I won't be here tomorrow, on account I will be attending the family Christmas Eve get together. Googleshng will graciously answer your letters tomorrow though. Also, Chimerasame will be hosting next weekend, so you won't see me for a little while. ;)

Letter time!

Last minute X-mas question?
Ask Googleshng
or forever hold your peace.

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So many questions? It's insane!

Questions! Questions! What every good little Q&A boy and slime (hey, sounds like a game...) wants for Over-Commercialization-of-a-Holiday-mas! So, guess what you get! COAL! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Uh, moving on...

1.) Do you happen to sleep with EVERY imaginary woman that you meet? First, the princess. Now, the angel. Sheesh... some guys have all the imagination.

2.) Why haven't you killed yourself yet? Because of you, we have one of the worst gifts ever, some of the ugliest figurines ever, one of the greatest tragedies ever, and one of the worst religions-whose-leaders-have-written-books-that-have-been-made-into-really-bad -movies-starring-John-Travolta! That, and the Q&A column would be pretty much the same!

3.) Please note the distinction between the original PlayStation and the PSOne, which, if memory serves me, is a mini-PlayStation, right?

4.) Don't even JOKE about an Everquest movie. The last thing we need is to give those Everquest junkies a reason to finally shut off their computers for a couple hours and go out into the real world. That ain't a pretty site, I'm guessin'. No, please DON'T tell me that they're already making one!!!!

5.) Pennsylvania? Where at? I'm headed for one of the little suburbs of Pittsburgh, called Manor. The suburb, not Pittsburgh. Not my grandmother's house, either. Though "Manor" would be a cool name for the house. It needs a good word in front of it, though, like "Dracula." Barring that, "Manor" isn't a very good name for a house. Maybe for a dog... oh, yeah, question again. That's right. Where are you again, anyways?

Since I haven't seen enough of these recently... a haiku! Just for the holidays!

No one gets a dumb
PS2 this year. Dumb elves.
Can't make it of wood!

Happy holidays, folks!

Insanerest of AOL

Chris Martin:
1.) Yup, even though the whole experience with the angel was awkward. Of all of my women, Queen Beryl was the best. She's my number one ho.
2.) If I was dead, then who would save the city from demon-aliens? The talking dog said that I was the (I can't stress this enough) ONLY ONE who could use the magical scepter. So there.
3.) You are correct, sir.
4.) You're right. I shouldn't joke about something that scary. A live-action Dragon Ball Z stage show starring Pauly Shore as Goku would be less horrifying.
5.) I'm from a little armpit of the world called "Fayette County." The place is a goldmine for Jerry Springer guests.

Very nice holiday haiku.

More advice

Hi, Chesh.
I'm an avid reader of Q&A, but I've never written. In honor of my decision to get off my lazy duff and shout hello, I thought I'd send you a nice whiny little "tell me what to play for I have no will of my own" letter. (I'm not insulting others who ask similar questions. I just happen to be whiny and have no will of my own.) It's Christmas, I have a monthlong furlough from school, and and several unfinished games to play. In a couple of days I'll have one or two more, and I don't know which to spend my valuable *cough* time on. Here are the ones I'm debating about:

1)Chrono Cross. Yes, I know everyone and their brother has already beaten the New Game+ on this, but I didn't bring the PSX to school until after Thanksgiving. I'm almost done with the dragon quest right now.

2)Final Fantasy VII. STOP LAUGHING! I only got my PSX last Christmas and played VIII first, so, um, yeah. I put in some marathon sessions on this until I got the the end of disc one and just sort of stopped. It's a very good game, but I'm having trouble empathizing with most of the characters. I'd put this on the end of my list, but I'm almost embarrassed not to have finished it.

3)Final Fantasy IX. *Really* excited about playing this one, but the upside if I don't is that since I haven't touched it yet and remain virtually unspoiled, I'm not missing anything if I finish something else first.

4)Lunar 2. *Extremely* excited about smashing my bank account for this, but is it worth setting all else aside for?

Any guidance for me, O Whiskered One? Given my attention span, I can only really actively play two games at the same time, but even then I tend to focus on one. So what should it be? -Jaina the Blue Moose

Chris Martin:

Tough call. I'd shoot for Lunar 2. I suggest, work on FFIX and Lunar 2 about now. Why? Well, a lot of other people are playing them too..meaning this column might be full of handy tips and hints about FFIX and Lunar 2.

A pic for me.
Tony Danza spoilers ahead.

If I'd never been born, then Amano would be the animator for a new and unsuccessful "Dawson's Creek" cartoon on Bravo. Also, you wouldn't be blessed with this lovely pic.

-Rinoa the Resistance Fighter

Chris Martin:
Very nice pic, Rinoa. Minutes after this chilling scene, we see Crono with his katana soaked in blood screaming, "Who's the boss now, bitch?!"


Well I hope you know that during this time I could have groped you three, no four times.

Ryan N

Be sure to wear a dress next time. ;)

Here Chemical Kitty,
I noticed you have X-COM in the PC, what a great series of games! Which one do you like the best. Personally I am a Terrors from the Deep man.


I'm a fan of the original, baby. Beautiful, beautiful game.

I'm not dead/wounded, I'm just swooning!


Got death? Phoenix down'll clear that right up.

The Last Laugh:

I just saw "Dracula 2000" Very, very predictable. I'll see all ya'll in a while! Have a merry christmas!

Tendo Family Christmas Scramble.

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