Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

   Albino Angel  
Chris Martin - December 23, 2000- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

Strangest thing happened yesterday. I was feeling really bad about myself and contemplating that the world might be a better place if I had never existed. Then, no freaking lie, an actual angel appeared to me.

"Are you here to show me that the world wouldn't be as bright if I hadn't been born?" I asked.

"Sure", the angel said,"but let's take a bath first... and then have a sleepover." the albino angel responded. Granted, the entire experience was pretty awkward, not to mention unprintable. Anyway, turns out that had I never been born, no one would have ever created...
1. "The singing Billy Bass"
2. Precious Moments figurines.
3. The Space Shuttle "Challenger"
4. The Church of Scientology

Amazingly, that wasn't the most frightening aspect of the trip. Turns out, that if I was never born, this column would be currently written by an angst-ridden teenage "gurl" who, instead of making jokes about private parts and Sailor Moon, would respond to letters with crappy poetry filled with Vampires, Roses, Razor Blades, Blood, Fiona Apple lyrics, and Sailor Moon.

You people are so lucky to have me...

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In the PlayStation:
Final Fantasy IX
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In the Old PC:
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Just how do Santa's elves make game consoles using only those little, wooden mallets?


If you had a choice of ps1 or 64, wich would you get and why?

~Aleia "behind" Renai

Chris Martin:
It all depends, Aleia. I hate betraying Nintendo, seeing as how I always saw my 8-bit NES as a bizzare 3rd faux-surrogate parent, but I'm hoing to have to recommend that you get a PSOne. (This is presuming, of course, that you don't already have a plain old PSX) If you're visiting this site, then it means you have at least a passing interest in Role Playing Games. And if you like RPG's, then the PSOne has one of the two greatest selections of RPG's for a console. (The SNES being the other, of course)

The N64 is painfully short of RPG's. Quest 64 is sub-mediocre. Ogre Battle 64 is probably the only good RPG on that system. The PSOne?

FF7, FF8, FF9, Wild Arms, Xenogears, Final Fantasy Tactics, Lunar: TSSSC, Lunar: EB, Grandia, and Suikoden 1 & 2 compose some of the PSOne's awesome selection.

I'm not saying to rule out the N64. "Ocarina of Time" is serious fun. Also, it's great for when you have some friends over. Goldeneye, Perfect Dark, Super Smash Bros., Mario Kart 64, Mario Tennis, and many others are great party games. Still though, if RPG's are your bag, baby, the get yourself a PSOne.

Warning. This movie may contain material not suitable for anyone.

Hey Chesh,

I would just like to let everyone know that if you thought the movie Dungeons and Dragons was going to be any isn't. It is in fact one of the worst films EVER. My god what terrible acting. And a Wayans brother for comic relief is the last thing needed in a fantasy film. Well I guess that genre of film just got set back ten years...


PS- The ending also made no sense. Stupid crappy film...

Chris Martin:

I hate to say it, but the presence of a member of the Wayans family now acts as a flag indicating "bad movie ahead." While it is true that I laughed during "Scary Movie", I felt bad about it afterward. I have yet to see this flick, however USA Today (Motto: If it can't be explained with a pie chart, then it can't be explained.) gave the D&D movie one measly star. Looks like we have to wait for the "Everquest" movie, kids.

Code Warrior

I'd like to address the whole how-to-program-for-consoles issue. I am actually on the coding staff of Team XK, so I'd be better equipped to answer this.

The problem with assembly is that each different processor has a different set of instructions, and thus a different assembly language. So you couldn't really run a disassembler and change some code. In fact, you couldn't even code the game in x86 assembly--you'd have to look up the exact specifics of whatever console you were using.

And yes, you CAN write code for the Playstation in C--there are compilers you can get for them. Look up Codewarriors. The problem is getting a PSX to run a non-Sony disc. (I don't know anything about this, not my area.)


Chris Martin:
Awesome, Dayton. Now, with my compiler, I shall finally create that patch for FF7 that not only saves Aeris' life, but changes Barret's outfit to a Green Bay Packers uniform.


Isn't this great! No snow the last few Decembers, then WHAM!, big fat kick in the ass! Isn't Chicago weather just peachy!


Chicago's nice, isn't it? Good thing I'm home in Pennsylvania, where there's a lot less snow, but it's just as cold.

I got controller calluses on my hands.

Read a book.

Hey! I worked at Bath & Body Works. ^^; They never put me on, though, so I'm looking for a new job... (People, if you're ever manager of a store, remember that part-time doesn't mean three hours a week!)


Yeah. That store is scary. Five more seconds in there, and I would have suffocated. The autopsy would have reveled my lungs to have been full of "vanilla aromatherapy."

The Last Laugh:

I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season full of yummy food. Sadly, my holiday is not so merry. My parents just left for palm beach without me and I have been left home alone.

I'll see you all tomorrow. In the meantime, I'll be setting up wacky and zaney traps for any hapless burglars or relatives that show up.

chesh"Let's all love Lain! Let's all love Lain!"
Hey! Who did plant a fatty tree? A retarded idea.

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