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Chris Martin - December 16, 2000- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

I have returned! I'm back to entertain and disturb you.

So, where was I? Let's see if I can keep this short.

I was flying home from Chicago to enjoy my holiday vacation. As the person in the seat next to me went into his 3rd story about what his snot-nosed doughy brat child wanted for Christmas, the plane was engulfed in a beam of light. I thought my prayers for death had been answered. The woman sitting next to me reading, "Left Behind" thought the rapture had occured. The drunk guy behind me in the "Hoof Arted?" cap didn't think anything of it. In a flash, I had been transported to a bizarre, fantastic world. A world where dragons and demons walked the land, and witches and wizards practiced arcane magic in high towers.

As I sat in a field of warm, emerald grass, I had little time to contemplate my new setting when I was suddenly besieged by kobolds! The small creatures with their matted, black hair, and snarling maws exhaling a foul breath that reeked of flesh eaten raw and bloody. Before I could react, they tossed a net over me! Wrapping me up as quick as you please, I was drug to their campsite where I was certain I would soon be eaten by the beasts. Just as I resigned myself to my fate, she arrived.

She stood six feet tall with cascading raven hair, her azure eyes were frozen in concentration as she set about vanquishing my attackers. She wore silver battle armor and wielded a longsword that radiated a blue light that seemed to send out a feeling of... peace. With swift, mightly blows, she quickly killed all of the beasts. Untying me, she told me of my fate. Turns out, she was the warrior-princess of the kingdom of Arcanium.

Ha! Funny thing is, it turns out I'm some kind of "chosen one" or some crap to these people and that they needed me, of all people, to slay the demon king Zeruel. She gave me a signet ring, a short sword, a set of armor that she said belonged to, "him", and a blowjob.

Anyway, long story short, I kicked the demon king's ass. Throughout the course of my journey, I met a wise-crasking thief, a venerable sage, a wacky and lecherous priest, and a really, really, gay ninja. (Ninja hint #823: Ninja is for stealth. Hot pink fuku doesn't help.) We all died near the end of the trip, but because we all believed in love, friendship and crap, we were brought back to life. Oh, and they let me keep the wand that turns people I hate into penguins as a souvenier. I kissed the princess, and my 5 kids (Vash, Spike, Valdemort, Jesus, and Vagina) goodbye. I waved goodbye to the populous who wept with grief at my leaving. "Please stay!" they cried. "We will make you our king and give you lots and lots of juice!"

"No," I said. "I have to hurry back! There's a column with my name on it, and it needs to be done. A true man never turns his back on his volunteer internet faux-job. They cried. I left.

....so? How was YOUR weekend?

Are you bathing in ignorance?
Ask Cheshire Catalyst He's smarter than you.

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ohhhh... someone else who plays Deus Ex. I have a couple questions for ya:

1) How far are you in it?

2) What's your favorite skill? Aug? Weapon?

3) Do you consider it to be an RPG? I do.

--AGiES

Cheshire Catalyst:
I've finished Deus Ex twice, and I've seen three endings. *1. I killed Bob Page and joined the Illuminati. 2. I shut down the eschelon system and deactivated the 'net. 3. (my favorite) I merged with the Helios entity and became earth's benevolent dictator.* I like to build up my medical skill to increase the effectiveness of those medkits. I love to use my pistol, and I LOVE hacking into ATMs and stealing the cash. My favorite augs are the ever popular ballistic armor-regeneration combo. Super speed is great for my impatient self, and enhanced vision lets you see through walls. Sorta. And yes, contrary to the opinion of my Q&A brother, I consider Deus Ex an RPG. In the game, you play the role of JC Denton. The game gives you multiple oppertunities to develop your character. Will you be known as the type who only kills when it is absolutly nescessary, or will you be an avenging angel of death? Deus Ex offers much more roleplaying oppertunity than the first three final fantasies. But hey, I'm a PC RPG'er in a world of console jockeys. ;) Get Baldur's Gate 2, kids. Your uncle Chris won't turn you wrong.

 
Writer reveals his identity. A mystery ends!

Hello (monks sing) CHRIS MAR-TIN

I have to say this. Oh my God, Googleshng killed santa, you bastard!!! Ha I also noticed that if you make something idiotproof they make a better idiot. I finally this week was able to let Profesor Daravon say to the next president "a winner is you." Then Daravon and Bush went on and talked in Daravonese since Bush is fluent in it. But don't worry people since Al Gore ended up as a secret character in FFIX and joined the stable of wierd things I can summon which are called Gaurdian Farce(tm) along with the monks which bear my name, cute animal characters who inhabit RPG's and anime, and bizzare creatures from my demented mind. Al Gore is found at Mognet central where it's revealed that he invented the system. Then Clinton appears and like Cid he got turned into an oglop by his wife for womanizing. The scene is funny where Clinton tells Cid "I feel your pain (gwok), I never should of dated Kuja" Then Zidane tells Clinton that Kuja is really a guy albeit a very feminine looking one. Then Clinton vomits tons of oglop oil which you collect and he says that once he hits on pretty women it's really a man so now he hits on Bhrane and Quina. Then Zidane says that he won't tell him that Quina's a hermaphodite. Then with the oglop oil you go use you save file on FFVI and FFVII and you can revive both General Leo and Aeris and they join your party for FFIX as well as Al Gore. Then if you believe this I'll cast pregnant chad on you and you'll give birth to a chibi-Richard Simmons (the horror). Just some low-brow ranting and raving from me the expert on this so I'll do something to reveal that Greg Etter (that's me) is really this scatterbrained so this is the real me.

Imperial Mog

Chris Martin:
...

 
Puppet related self mutilation. For 30 cents a day, you can help.

Hey Goog,
CC: All ya'll stiffed me on letters this weekend. I had to get some of Google's letters.

You seen the Evangelion action figures? They rule! Unit-01 even comes with a little Kaworu figure that fits in the hand so you can re-enact popping his head off like a bottlecap to the tune of classical music after a minute of anticlimatic stillness!!

Oh, guess I should include an RPG question right. OK, well, in FF IX in the Lindblum item shop, Zidane can look at a weapon on the wall and makes mention that he knew someone "who used a weapon like that". Is this yet another reference to a previous FF or should I lay off punching myself in the head with my Ghaleon puppet?

-Esquire J, swinging the hammer of justice from 9-5 on weekends

Chris Martin:
Kaoru's nothing. I won't be satisfied until I get a small Eva-03 entry plug with "Squish in your hand" action Toji. (Kids, if you couldn't figure out that Toji was the 4th child, then that's pretty sad.)

Yep, you found one of FFIX's many references to other FF games. That's no excuse to stop punching yourself though.

 
Quickies

I already had the first 3 Lain VHS tapes, but yesterday I got an early Christmas present. The Lain DVD Box Set that comes in a nifty little Lain lunch box. Jealous? No...okay, nevermind.

- Surge

The Lain Lunch Box! Perfect for when one of your classmates commits suicide in order to merge with the internet. That was Lain. People killing themselves so they could live in the internet. You mean I could build a house in Hamster Dance? Joy!

I kid, folks. Lain was cool. Two episodes about the dawn of the internet, and not one mention of Al Gore. :(

Quickie shortage.

OPEC is trying to drive up the price of Quickie!

Should I buy "The Longest Journey"? It's a PC adventure/RP game about a woman who travels between two parallel worlds in order to save them.

Didn't they already make that and call it "Chrono Cross". Oh wait. The worlds in this game are actually different. A novel idea!

The Last Laugh:


That's all folks! I feel really, really bad for using the word "Vagina" in this family-oriented column. Maybe I'll repent by forcing myself to go see "The Grinch."
Send me many letters!


chesh"Is this some sort of twisted Christian Science?!"@rpgamer.com
Special prize to who can tell me the origin of that quote.

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