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Chris Martin - May 31st '02- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

The beloved Googleshng will be taking the next two weeks off. During that period of time, expect an assortment of staff members to step in and cover his ass. (This presumes that Slimes have an ass. I don't know anything about Ooze Proctology so don't complain if I'm wrong.) I just hope they don't screw up too badly. Writing this column is an exact science that few can understand. I have to use EditPad and an FTP client and EVERYTHING. If this site degenerates into a FFVII fan-page featuring Sephiroth/Cloud fan-fiction, then you'll know that they've all gone mad with power. Specifically, Paws. Lord Brian isn't into that whole yaoi fanfiction thing, I think.

Let's get onto the column before I dig myself any deeper.

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So, being at least mildly sleep deprived and wondering when the ibuprofen is going to kick in, I've composed a list of thingies to do. They are the ton N thingies to do while waiting for your leg to stop hurting so you can go to sleep already, dammit, because you have work in 3 hours (where N is relatively small.)

N: Get up and read online comics and RPGamer Q&A. Cheer for random things that make you laugh, like the idea of Celes, Tifa, and Lulu in a pornographic dating sim. Hey, I'd buy it and I'm a straight chick.

N-1: Reminisce (alone, because no one else is awake, dammit) about the amusing things that Chesh has said since you started reading Q&A and how often you quote them. Like "It's like Trigun, except the main character likes killing people."

N-2: Visualize Vash with long, red hair. Mmmmmm, red haired bishie. I need more of those to obsess over, since my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind.

N-3: Continue to be inherently frightened by the 35,000+ Harry Potter Fanfics on, and the fact that 7,000 of them are "NC-17." That's just wrong.

N-4: Lament the fact that Chad, local funny (and by funny, I mean hilarious) guy has gone home for a week and left his computer off, which is both password protected and stores your save in Elder Scrolls III, Morrowind. While wishing you could play, formulate plan for punishing Bethesda for putting out the game when you should be writing Japanese history papers, but then realize that, while addictive, at least it's easier to do something rewarding in Morrowing than it is in, say, The Sims.

N-5: Play Dr. Mario on a old-school NES (slightly altered with a green LED), a fuzzy TV, and without your glasses. Realize this isn't enough of a challenge.

N-6: Play Tetris upside-down. At least the neck-cramps take your mind off the pain in your leg, which still hasn't subsided, dammit.


2: Laugh, again, about voice-acting outtakes on your Kenshin DVDs. It's the only time you're watching them in English, so they'd better be at least passably funny. Like "Passed out drunk again." and "I can't hear any fish." and "Usui, Anji, and Sojiro will stay here, and I'm going out for a cappuchino." And, best when quoted in front of Chad "But then hundreds of people will needless lose there... lives..." complete with Kenshin cracking up mid-line, thus revealing that he is truly evil and ready to say "I was just kidding about that 'no killing' thing" and hop in a red Gear and bring Solaris and Shevat crashing down on to Tokyo and Kyoto, respectively. Those darn red-heads.

1: Write a letter to Chesh about all the funny stuff that goes through your sleep deprived head! Realize that there should be something RPG related in here. Tack it on at the end.

0: Ibuprofen kicks in before you get desperate to put on jeans and run off to McDonalds for breakfast. Go back to sleep.

Oh, as for the RPG related question ... I know it's probably stupid to ask, since the damn thing's coming out for xbox and all, but would Bethesda even remotely consider porting Morrowing to Mac? Have they had a history of making any Mac games, or do they have a partner company, like Aspyr to Maxis, that puts stuff out for the platform? Or am I just going to have to wait until I have a computer spiffy enough to emulate it? Yes, I *could* buy and xbox, but I could also pretend I'm a ninja and flip out and kill someone and take their PC, and then swallow a frisbee. I'm still working on getting a PS2 (Price drop, that's good! Poor college student, that's bad. Birthday in June! That's totally awesome!) Eh, it's my token stupid rpg related question to go with all the silliness. Hope you enjoyed the letter! Maybe when Chad gets back I'll convince him to write something funny as proof that ... he ... is funny. Yeah.


"... Whatever" - My battle cry, pronounced "dot dot dot, whatever."

Cheshire Catalyst:
Whenever someone spends that much time writing in, I usually feel obliged to print the thing.
Let's examine the points.

1. If I had the time, I'd create a spiffy picture of Vash with a red wig hawking 1-800-CALL-ATT. I'd do a lot of things, had I the time.
2. Very wrong, though not at all surprising. The internet seems to have been invented for the sole purpose of posting obscene/terrible fan fiction. Just what I want to spend MY night reading. A tale of a midnight tryst between Hermione Granger and Professor Snape. Thank you very, very much internet.
3. You can murder your neighbors in The Sims by sealing them away in your bathroom. If that isn't productive, I don't know what is.
4. I don't hate Dr. Mario, but that game hates me.
5. The outtakes on the Kenshin DVDs are hee-larious. The Orphen ones are even better.
6. No signs of Morrowind getting the mac port. Murder a prostitute, steal the money, and upgrade your box. (The world can be like GTA3, if you work hard enough.

Practical mad genius

Yo Chesh. I have a friend who set up a Lego Mindstorm set to do the Thunder Plains deal in FFX. A sensor would detect that brief flash before a thunderstrike and would press the button accordingly. He set it up and left. Came back later and tada! 200. Just thought you'd find that neato.


Cheshire Catalyst:
Very, very cool.

Canada Alert!

Hi Chesh,
For the love of GOD, please HELP me! I've been looking for Tactics Ogre for 2 frickin' weeks now. But I forgot, once again, that I'm in Canada. The trucks seem to have a hard time getting over the border. I AM paying them 20 more $ for EACH game, so I should get a little more consideration, me thinks. Anyways, I want to know where I could find the game online, preferably at a Canadian store. Gamestop has it, but they charge 20$ US for shipping. Please post this so I could get a little help from my poor, poor (because we pay 20$ more for EACH GAME!) fellow Canadian gamers. Thank you very much.


Cheshire Catalyst:
You heard the man. Any Canadian gamers out there who know where Xeros can get the hook up?

I take my coffee black. Like my men.

FFX Spoilers

Hey Chesh. How's things? Got some Questions...yeah, that's the ticket...

1)What's this about FF10 side stories? Okay, it's something people have been requesting for various RPGs for a long time, but Yuna and Rikku? Okay, I might buy it if it was ONE side story where they're locked in a basement and are forced to have lesbian sex to survive, but whatever. I think an Auron side story detailing his life prior to the game would be cooler, though. :-/

2)Okay, this isn't really a question, but in response to yesterday's guy who asked what a good RPG movie would be, I have to say I think a Saga Frontier movie would be great. Sure, the stories of the actual games suck, but that's where the fun comes in! You watch the beginning of the movie, then you get to choose which parts of the middle you want to watch, or you can just cut out all the extraneous stuff that doesn't make sense anyway, and just go to the end!

3)Who's your favorite: Space Ghost, Zorak, Brak or Moltar? I say Moltar all the way.

Sorry I'm not too up to date on current events, but I spent all of E3 at a local fair getting extremely drunk and seeing old friends from high school. Be cool, man.

Robust Stu

Cheshire Catalyst:
1. And another Fanfiction idea is born. Curse your blighted soul, Stu. Auron's story would be pretty awesome. I'd prefer a little something about Lulu.
2. They need to do a Dungeons and Dragons movie. Do it right, this time. Make it about 3 gaunt, acne-riddled teenagers whining about Thaco and saying "I wanna cast Magic Missle..."
The ideal D&D movie, of course, would follow the plot of the Dexter's Laboratory episode "Monsters and Mazes". Scenes featuring the heroes, with scenes of a group of RPers playing the game in someone's basement. Let the real-life interactions affect the heroes. The movie would cater to a tiny, tiny niche audience, but it would be better than what they really DID make. (Poor, poor Jeremy Irons.)
3. Moltar. "He's a lava man."
No need for knowledge concerning current events here, Mr. Stu. This isn't Crossfire, though I would like to hear James Carville and Robert Novak argue about video games for a change. Carville could open with a hard-hitting tirade about the GOP plan to increase the minimum cost of Tonic in Role-playing games. "How will the working NPC cope?" Novak, on the other hand, will supply evidence that Clinton was in possession of, and used on several occasions, the Counter Strike Wall Hack cheat and that Al Gore was a "camping f4g0t".
We can always dream, can't we?


Ooh ooh! One I actually know! The quote is from Final Fantasy VII, the part in the start when you're in the training room in the sector 7 slums. Who's da man!
-William Merryman

Focus groups concur that YOU are the man. ~!

Hey Chesh,

How do you pronounce MMORPG? Is it "More RPG", "M-Mo RPG", "More PG" or perhaps "More Pig"? I just wanted to know if there was an actual pronounciation for it *grins*


It's pronounced, "You're paying ten bucks a month for a MUD with graphics."

Just got my Silver Edition CD in today, and I love it. So I have to ask, if you ordered one, what's your favorite song, and if you haven't, why the hell not?

~Chaos Nyte

I'll get it whenever I get some of the Bling-Bling. (After I save up for Morrowwind, DDR, etc. etc)

Your column titles are getting depressing. :(
-Spinal Tart

Tell me about it.

Wait! You just did! This weekend will feature only happy titles.

The Last Laugh:

Good night!

Chris "We're fighting again!? What's up with that!?" Martin

TRPG goodness.

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