Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

Chris Martin- April 8th '01- 2:00 Central Standard Time

All right, is (Almost) completely fixed up and ready to go! To top it all off, it's been one seriously beautiful day in my neighborhood. 70 degrees in Chicago! In April! The gods of temperature and humidity doth smile on me.

Shenmue is a fun game. It claims to be a real world with real people. Skeptical, I am. The part where women tell Ryo to leave them alone if he talks to them on the street is real enough. Though some of the questions Ryo asks while interrogating the locals are a bit...odd, no? "Have you seen a black car?" Where the hell do you live, Ryo where a black car passing by someone's house is a memorable event? Why not just ask the locals if "a black, metal dragon growling and spewing carbon monoxide from it's arse sped through here like a crane attacking a fish?" Wierdo.
The most insane question he's ever asked, however, HAS to be "Do you know anything about Chinese people?" What if I asked MY neighbors that retarded question or a variant thereof? I bet it would go this!

Me: Excuse me...
Man on the street: Yes?
Me: I was you know anything about black people? [Ok, so far 100% Shenmue like. Here's where things get awkward.]
MotS: Why, yes! We're an industrious people who enjoy tap-dancing and watermelon. We also possess the abilty to transform into large lizard-demons by the light of a waxing crescent moon.
Me: Is that so?
MotS: No, jackass. (Takes my notebook and places it in a rather personal orafice)

The moral of this story? Sometimes, video game people do or say stupid things. Things that shouldn't be attempted in real life. This is only a theory, mind you. I'm still doing scientific testing. After posting this column, I'm going to go outside and see if turtles pop out of their shells when I jump on them, and if anyone minds if I beat up people on the street [Random Monsters, I call 'em] and take their money. [GP]

Joey, do like movies about Gladiators?

Ask Cheshire Catalyst
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Cómo se díce?
In the PC:
Ha-ha! Oh that Largo. What zany mishaps will you get into next?
In the Dreamcast:
Fuku-san is a total wuss.
Assorted Nonsense

We never sang my songs....

On this date, on my own...

Julia was hot, Laguna. You should have stuck with her.
Spring Broken.
Oh Chesh,
Save me from this meloncholy "vacation!"

I have spring break this week.

I'm grounded from my car, stranded at my Mom's because its her year and to top it off, all of my friends over here don't have break til next week.

sucky huh?

The good news:
I have a PS2. not to mention a bunch of PS2 & PS1 games that I have beaten like a red-headed step child.

Your part:
Videogames are my only way to stay sane. Over the past 5 years I've beaten Xenogears, FFVII, FFVIII, both Lunar games, Wild Arms 1 & 2, FFT, Suikoden 1 & 2, Alundra 1 & 2, Summoner, SagaFrontier I & II, and Chronocross.

Reviews praise FFIX, but friends say it sucks. Anyway, I have like 70ish bucks. I can get one game. What should i get? On PS1 or 2, I'm not a big graphics whore.

If any other readers have any ideas -

Cheshire Catalyst:
FFIX isn't too bad. It's a distinctly average (Oxymoron? YOU be the judge!) game produced by Square. It's an enjoyable game, graphics are well-detailed and the music is fairly well done. The plot is standard Final Fantasy fare. (Evil empire wants to take over the world...and stuff.)

Front Mission 3 is a nice long, cheap TRPG for the Playstation. Valkrie Profile is a fan favorite. Vagrant Story is loved by some, and reviled by others. Basically, if you want to play it safe - get FFIX. You know what you're getting. If you want to take a chance on something different, take a shot at VP or VH.

And as a side note, yes. It does suck. All of my friends get out for Spring Break two weeks before me. Sucks.

Dollars and "Cents"
Hey Chesh, I have about $150 dollars, what should i do? get a dc? if i get a dc, i would have to get a vmu, and then what game should i get, i heard they were all about $20, WOW. can i buy a dc without a sega smash pack(so it will cost less). Can i use a free isp to go online with my dc, so it's free, and if i use a free isp like juno, will i have to look at those STUPID FU...uh.. DUMB banners at the bottom of the screen or in the case, tv. and if i used a free isp, how would i be able to get it without going online with my dc, or is there a way to get one. uh...anything else i may need to know about getting online with dc that i haven't mentioned? thanks Curtis

Cheshire Catalyst:
When I signed on to work here, I expected some odd questions. One of the oddest questions that I regularly recieve is (like this one and the one above) "I have money! What should I spend it on?" I understand and sympathize with your desire not to blow it on some non-l33t game, but in the end, a lot of this just boils down to personal preference. In short, take anything I say with a grain of salt remembering that it's just some guy's moderatly educated opinion.

Disclaimer out of the way, here's tbe lowdown. DC games are still very much in the $45-$50 range. I bought a used dreamcast, saving me mucho dinero. I believe Sega is still producing DC's w/o the Smash pack included. If you want a good RPG, pick up Skies of Arcadia or Shenmue. Any ISP, in theory, SHOULD work with your Dreamcast.(Modem or Broadband) AOL doesn't seem to work, neither does Netzero (a popular "free" ISP).
Any more specific technical questions? Ask the Sega boyz themselves.

And what would one of my columns be without some....Anime Inspired Silliness!
Hey! "You're worse than the phone company" has been used before! I can't remember what game it's from, though...Anyway, here's a question or two.

1. Is it just me, or is this whole episode-5-first-then-we'll-fill-in-the-rest-later thing sort of Star Wars-esque? If it is, in Xenosaga you'd better be able to blow up or crunch the annoying alien guy. Or at least turn him into a -Wels- so he can be an energy kibbles n' bits for God.

2. I got a Xenogears music book yay! ( r0xorz!) But all the song titles are in Japanese, and I kinda suck at piano, so I have no idea what I'm trying to play.

3. I've just become addicted to anime, thanks to Toonami on Cartoon Network. But there's none on weekends. *Sob*

4. Why the heck did they put an incredable bad AMERICAN show, Big O, on when it's supposed to be just anime? For that matter, why Superman?

5. Is it just me, or is the only way to tell the Gundam pilots apart their hair?

6. Katra forever! He's the only one I can really recognise!

7. Why are all the engineers so ugly? You'd think if they're smart enough to build these giant robots, they could figure out how to do some plastic surgery on that one guy's nose.

8. Where is Queen Beryl? The only bad guys I've seen on Sailor Moon are these 2 bishounen (mmmm bishounen), a lady named Fish Eye, who all hang out at the bar at the end of the universe, and some really ugly...thing.

9. Sorry, the pegasus in my dreams told me to write this. I'll go away now.

"I could just vaporise you, but I prefer...The purple claw!"

Cheshire Catalyst:
1. Yeah, sadly, it does. George Lucas, what's wrong with your head? The Ewoks, I could let them slide. But Jar-Jar Binks? Really. What the HELL is wrong with you. Not only was he annoying as hell, but you managed to insult about seven different ethnic groups just by creating him. Get ready for Star Wars Episode 2, kids! It's where Lucas will try to even things out. Featuring a lame, line-dancing, bow-tie wearing, uptight alien! It's name? Honky McCracker! Xenosaga, if you know what's good for you, watch and learn.
2. You just need to practice more. "Got better at piano!"
3. Toonami, what hast thou wrought upon the world. Fair warning, keep an eye out for Dragonball (yes, the original series) and a couple more Gundam series to make their way to a toonami near you. Yeah, boyyyyyyyy.
4. It is to laugh! The joke is on YOU, gentle reader. "The Big O!" IS Japanese Animation. It was made by the same guy that made "Serial Experiments: Lain". Though, I'll admit, the whole thing just smacks of "Bruce Timm" artwork. (Ie: The guy who did the animated Batman and Superman series). It should be noted that Toonami never claimed to be "Anime-Exclusive", just the fact that it's made up entirely of "action cartoons" Speaking of which, Toonami is also going to get 26 episodes of the latest DC comics cartoon "JLA". Sounds cool...
5. Yeah. Heero, Trowa, and Wufei are all the same person with different hair. Here's the joke, folks. Gundam Wing's original target audience was 12-year-old girls. Why else do you think that the heroes are all bishounen boys with slight homosexual characteristics? Hell, look at the theme song! Just Communication
6. FYI, the most common romanization is "Quatre". Paying homage to the fact that his name means, "4".
7. For God's sake, JimMesaana! They're Engineers, not plastic surgeons! They canna hold much longa!
8. Before the rabid Sailor Moon fans attack you, Fish Eye is a "he". So's Zoicite. And, yes, the SuperS season is terrible. (Largely because Rini/Chibi-Usa is the focus, me thinks)
9. The leprechaun in my dreams tells me to burn things.

If you want a real column, send in letters.
Rad's back! Sorta...

Seeing as how Xenogears had a fan-base consisted of people who didn't like it ("them") and people who worship it on a mini-alter (Me and Xenochick at the least,) I feel it would be appropriate to invade Namco's USA HQ and hold them hostage, force them to begin translation of Xenosaga NOW, and make them not work on the next Tekken installment. Because XenoFanatics want faster text speeds damn it!

-Radrisol (no, i am not intaking any misc. illegal substances)-

Cheshire Catalyst:

I'm all for faster text speeds. I'm also in favor of the elimination of the interjection "Guh!"
And what's up, Rad? What happened to the l33t comics? I finally make my arrival, and you go away. ;_; I like pictures.

What do you think of amautre developers like Affinix, Team Xkalibur, and USRPG ( I ask because all three of these have gotten my attention. Do these kinds of people have a chance in Heck of making it, or am I just wasting my time waiting?


They're not going to have an easy time, that's for sure. It's easy to write them off and chalk up another point for pessimism, but everyone has to start somewhere. It takes guts to take on the industry like this. Good Luck, guys.
Dear Chesh,

Why, oh why haven't we seen any "Command" jokes lately? Please, kick this dead horse and do something wacky and funny!


Tune in tomorrow! ;)
Hey Chesh?
Am I a lovable guy?.... er, girl?

Xenochick, -the Xenogears Goddess-

Everyone is lovable in their own way. You're so much more than your toys or your clothes or your body or any of that stuff. Hi! I'm Mr. Rogers, of PBS fame.
Hey Chesh, its my birthday (April 7)...I'm 20...I'm turning into an old man...

Question: What are your thoughts on Suikoden III? What are your thoughts about the first two games? That is all. Thank you.


It's supposed to hit Japan by the end of this year. Suikoden II was plenty fun. I liked how the tired "Boy and girl" romance was switched with a fresher "two guys are good childhood friends". It was a fun game, though I hated the fact that too many of the tactical battles were "scripted".
Well, that little explosion was fun. Next time, try give me enough warning so I can at least bring some marshmellows. Anyway, I'd just like to say a couple of things.

1. That our little contest winner will be at your disposal after the 20th or so. Just an advanced warning so you can prepare your weap... um, nevermind! ^^;;;

2. I would also like to say that yes, I am looking for an editorials assistant. If any of you Q&A readers are interested you can look right here. I'd be interested to who out of you can help...

Just a thought

Mistress Nightshadow

Personal note: Make sure Professor Cranium and Queen Beryl are not here when guest host arrives. Guest host might be skittish.

The Last Laugh:

Now it's time to say good-bye, to all our family. RPG. "Gee! I hope to see you tomorrow!" Gam "Mmmmmmmmake sure to play video games responsibly!" er...doooooooooooot. com.

Chesh"Puu, huh?"

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