Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

   Danger, Mrs. Robinson! Danger!  
Chris Martin- April 6th '01- 2:00 Central Standard Time

We're having some nasty server problems. We think it's because Paws plugged her automatic leg-shaver, coffee maker, and interactive Vash the Stampede love doll into the same outlet. What can we say? RPGamer staff members are currently working long hours trying to get the site back up to one hundred percent efficency. We're running on auxillary power, shields down, major weapons offline, etc. etc. etc.

"But Chesh!" you wail, "wouldn't this be an oppertune time for the government to sneak in and steal all of your top-secret RPG information?" We've already anticipated this problem. Mike's stationed about two easily distracted guards at each entramce, and Alanna even remembered to use BOTH the deadbolt and that little chain, slide lock on the front door. Me? I put some micro machines on the floor, and electrified the toilet. Look out, wacky and bumbling burglars, terrorists, and government agents!

Here's the column. Sadly, I don't have enough of your letters to do a real column. Instead, here are some letters from Imaginary people who live under my bed my staff. Send mail, thus to improve the quality of tomorrow's column.

Input question...

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Old crap
The Archives
Cómo se díce?
In the PC:
When will you update, TMB? Sadness envelopes my being.
In the Playstation:
Front Mission 3
Say hello to my little friend...
Assorted Nonsense

I like fish,

Chicken too.

Why? Why, God, must I choose only one?
Letter Ought One.
Again! Again, I must come to your aid because you are a fool, Mr. Martin. Your primitive server technology failed you and now you have no recourse but to whine like a Japanese schoolgirl in a tentacle factory. Pah! I laugh at your misfortune (again). Here are some questions.
1. What is the longest role-playing game that you've ever played?
2. I am unable to find the tattoo parlor in Shenmue! Where is it?
3. Did you take my oscillating neutron accelerator and use it for obscene purposes?

-Professor Cranium

Cheshire Catalyst:
1. Baldur's Gate 2 took me a good, damn long time to finish. So did Xenogears. From what I hear, Front Mission 3 may just eclipse them all.
2. Second floor, apartment complex across the street from the bar in Dobuita. Can't miss it.
3. Yes.

Letter Ought Two
Nihao! *Giggle* Did you like that? It's Chinese! I learned Chinese after killing "HongKongMan". Isn't it cool?!

I've got some questions! I love playing video games all day. Once, Roll stole my Dreamcast and used it as spare parts for her damaged [CENSORED]. I got Sooooooooooo mad! I shot her arm off with my Mega-buster! *Giggle* Roll didn't scream too much though. She's such a good sport.

1. How do I beat Wood Man? His leaf shield too mighty to penetrate!
2. I can't wait for Xenosaga! What will it be about? I love big robots.
3. I noticed that yesterday I had some odd file clusters forming on my wave-processors. What does this mean?


Cheshire Catalyst:
1. Use Heat Man's heat.... thing. Blows him right to hell.
2. All we know is that Xenosaga will be about "Episode One" Kinda how Xenogears was "Episode Five."
3. *sniff* It means you're becoming a man, little guy. *Sob* They grow up so fast these days.

Letter Ought Three
Good afternoon, Christopher

Didn't think I'd ever get the hang of this "internet" thing, did you? Naughty boy. You're back in my clutches again! It's me! Sister Mildred! Your Second Grade Sunday school teacher. I have some... questions for you.

1. What did you give up for lent?
2. Did you know that a rosary can double as garott wire?
3. I saw what web pages you were looking at! Mr. "Exploitation Now" Shame on you. I expect you to hit yourself with a ruler post-haste!
4. I too am eager for the release of "Xenosaga." In preparation, I rebuilt the parishes minivan (which you little heathens dubbed the "Nunmobile") into a large robot. If you need me, I'll be down at the mall taking out the -trash-, if you know what I mean.

-Sister Mildred

Cheshire Catalyst:

Sweet, merciful heaven she's back to torture me.
1. Ummm... pass.
2. I'm afraid to know how you found that out, Sister Mildred. Why couldn't you be docile and naive like Sister Burns?
3. WHO TOLD!? WHO THE HELL TOLD!? (Beats self with ruler) Ow! Ow! OW!
4. Someone better evacuate "Spencer's Gifts". And I mean pronto.

If you want a real column, send in letters.
Letter Ought Four
Hey, Loser!

It's me. Adam Morgan! The bully from fifth grade. I've got some questions for ya...

1. Why are you such a fag?
2. *Steals column*
3. Remember that time you farted in gym class and it echoed throughout the entire place? Loser.
4. Your mom's a ho.

Cheshire Catalyst:

1.Stop it... leave me alone.
2. Hey!... Give it back...C'mon! Give iiiiiiit!
3. ;_; Shut-up. You're the loser.
4. Mrs. Chesler!!!!!! Adam's picking on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Why haven't you called?
-Chris's Ex-Girlfriend
Next, please.
Um, Hi!
I'm a student at Tokyo community college... and I was wondering... Where do you keep your stockpiled AK-47's?

- A complete stranger who does not even know Queen Beryl.

Behind the shed, in the locked metal case.
Why haven't you called?
-Chris's Mom.

Uhhh... I've just been REALLY busy.

The Last Laugh:

See what happens when the server breaks? I get letters from all kinds of freaks. Send in your letters now, you lovable guys you.

Chesh"I won't tolerate any more failures!"

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