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Chris Martin- March 5th '01- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

Lovely column today. We have two winners in my "name the quote" contest. They'll be duly praised later on. To the rest of you I say,
"Don't give up! With a little work, even you can store useless info like game quotes in your mind."

Nothing else really special to round out the weekend. Saturday we had Hamlet, Sunday we had Video Games. What falls today in the middle? I honestly don't know. Sit-coms? MORE Anime goodness? Comic Books? Fie, I say! Fie Fie Fie! Screw it. This is a problem too difficult for even I to figure out. I'll just let my staff answer your questions today. I'm going to bed.

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Como se díce?
In the PC:
You know? When you have Winamp on, and suddenly one of your funky Japanese Mp3's starts blasting, you get a little self-consious.
In the Dreamcast:
Jet Grind Radio
This game makes me want to commit acts of vandalism. Oh, and Richard III makes me want to murder children.
Assorted Nonsense

Go away.

I mean it.

I don't love you anymore!
Secret Message #32: FF7 has a lot of homoerotic undertones, didn't it?

Ambassador from Paradise Island
Hello there, Mr. Catman, got a multiparter for you.

1. Ok, I have finally scraped together enough money to get a Dreamcast. I am a little confused on the peripherals though. If I get a VMU do I have to get a memory card thingy, or does the VMU let you save your game too? What exactly is different about the VMU and memory cards? Also, do you have to buy anything to make the Dreamcast work on your TV (like a rf switch or anything), or does it come with everything it needs? You don't have to post this, but I would really like you to reply if you don't, because I need these questions answered.

2. Now, on a completely unrelated topic, what are people of RPG worlds thinking? If all I had to do to become freakin awesome and get a ton of money was go outside and beat up on animals then I would be doing that all the time. Even if it was just rabites, I would be outside all the time getting to level 99. That would be awesome.

3. If you could be any character from any RPG, who would you be? I would be Meis from Thousand Arms (A really good, totally overlooked game, in my opinion). He is awesome, I will never forget that fmv/anime scene where he stopped the Death Crimson with his sword. Plus, he's lucky with the ladies, heh heh.

Thank you very much, here is a treat,

Wonder Woman:
1.) If you are bold with your money (one of the many absurdities of the world of men) then purchase a VMU. The VMU is capable of ommitting sounds and displaying pictures. Some games even come with VMU mini-games (Like Skies of Arcadia). A curious device, indeed.
2.) I know not the idlings that pass through the minds of those who life in RPG worlds. I train everyday. I wrestle elephants and beat the daylights out of evil gods. This is only my warm-up. Sometimes I practice my wrestling moves in the Justice League Watchtower with Power Girl and Super Girl. Green Lantern often stops by, but does not join in. Only watches. He does offer to create any amount of "lubricant" that we might need. Curious fellow, he is.
3.) I once caught Cheshire Catalyst pretending to be Megaman. This would be embarrasing, but he was ten at the time. Sometimes I pretend I'm Tifa, from Final Fantasy Seven. Dolphin Blow! Final Heaven!

I have no need for your treats. My battle for justice rages onward! And remember, I fight for peace! (And if you try and tell me that that sentence makes no sense... I will beat you senseless.)
flies away...

Back From Paris

"From all the cool people of Lahan, buon giorno!" - Xenogears (Playing it through for about the 15th time and making fun of all the stupid things people say ("Guh!") is fun!) They also have bearcows!

"Pimps are bad! I hate pimps!" - Legend of Legaia.

"Better ask Mrs. Fortune-teller for girls. " - Harvest Moon.

"Japan would never start a war. " - Ugh...I know this one. Really.

"Congrats on finishing the game. Now get a life!!! " - Chrono Trigger. Gotta love the programmer's room.

"This is not a leotard! It's our combat uniform!" - FF4j. That one castle with all the stereotyped female soldiers who look like the stereotyped female dancers.

"It's a village of Happy Thieves!! " Breath of Fire. I admit, I cheated on this one.

Mua ha ha, never challange the might of someone whose favorite forum game is Place the Quote!

Siht daer naht od ot retteb gnihton evah I

Queen Beryl:
Is Wonder Woman gone? I really hope... That woman is one bad mofo. Seriously, if I got beat down by japanese schoolgirls, imagine what would happen if I ever faught....

...Blast it! Why didn't someone tell me that the recording device was on?

Disregard everything that you just heard. That was not me speaking. Those were the words of my sniveling wuss-boy Jadeite. I think I'll kill him again for that.
Congratulations. You were the first person to answer all of the quotes correctly. You win first place. Bahamut Zero was the second place winner. Congratulations to him too. The rest of you are pathetic losers! All of you! Get out of my sight before I send one of my easily-killable demon women after you! I mean it!

This award is for Mesaana and Bahamut Zero! Only they may copy and paste them into their hard drives. No one else!

He's not on my staff...but he has an important message.
Hello Chris Martin, Question. First of all, I made it to Ultemicias castle in Final Fantasy 8 and then had to quit because the disk got scratched all to hell and it doesnt work anymore. I hear the ending is pretty good, so would it be worth it to rent the game and switch out the discs so I can see the ending? I already have plans to get back my third disc from Final Fantasy 9. My mom ran over it with a vacuum cleaner and it is burning in hell along with disc 4 from FF8. Also, did you play Breath of Fire 4? I thought it was pretty good. Definately the best of the series. Thanks for your input, Acoustic

Ok, first I'd like to give a shout out to all of the complete jerks out there who think my poor English is so God damn hilarious. I remember doing that bit part back in the eighties. Not only didn't I speak a word of English, but I was drunk off my arse from partying the night before. I did the shoot, they shipped the game. Now, suddenly, it's become some sort of God-damn ******* pop culture icon? Up yours. How would you like it if I came to YOUR house and made fun of the poor English your grandpa spoke as he withers away from Alzheimers?
*Sigh*. Look. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh, but I really needed to say that. I've put that poor project behind me, and I've moved onto other projects. I'll be starring as a "secret-character" in "Street Fighter Vs. SNK Vs. Capcom Vs. TOEI Animation Vs. Marvel Vs. Obscure 80's icons. Watch for it.

Anyway, kid. The ending is worth it. However, it sounds like you're planning on stealing. Stealing is a bad thing to do. You wouldn't want the cops to come by and set up you to jail, would you?


Finally, the Blue Bomber.
Hello, good evening, and welcome!
First, some quotes: "mad skillz" is used by that mechanic guy from the prison in Xenogears. And yes, we saw them.
"The only way you're gonna get cuter is if you beat Big Bro!!" Said to Cloud in the gym of drag under sector 5 in Final Fantasy VII. And the whole make a drag outfit event was considered a 'big deal' back in those days.
"This is not a leotard! It's our combat uniform!" Uttered by practitioner of Bunny Fist Karate in Lunar 2.

Next a few questions.
I: Whatever happened to Thor's site? It hasn't been working all year, and noboday has mentioned anything.
II: Can you change color and turn invisible?
III: Whatever happened to that 12 Days of Xmas contest?
IV: Why are the seats in churches called 'pews'?

In closing I would like to direct attention to the Shakesperean Insulter:

Thou art so leaky that we must leave thee to thy sinking.

Magna Maduin
"Bad spellers of the world, untie!"

Don't listen to what Queen Beryl said! Even though you didn't win the quote contest, you're still a winner! Everybody's a winner with RPGamer. -tee hee-

That's the link to Thor's site. I'm not allowed to go there. Thor uses bad words! You should stay away too.

2.) When I get new weapons from the enemy robots that I knock down, I can change different colors! I like the pink color I change into from "Sparkle Man". My brother Proto-Man says I look like a fag, though. Then he his me! :( Sometimes Dr. Light beats me when he drinks to much. Someone call child services. Please.

3.) They're working on it! I'm not sure what happened there...

4.) Hang on.
Ok! The word comes from the old french word "puie", and from the Latin word "Podia"! Meaning 'podium'! (The word's Middle-English spelling is "Pewe") *Giggle* Isn't learning fun? Visit your local library today!
Oh boy! Now I can say new, mean things to Dr. Wily! Fun for ALL!

Professor Cranium's Quickies

How does RPGamer get all this information on so many RPGs before most other people, such as all these videos and screenshots?
- Lord Sephiroth

They are able to gain this information from companies through many intricate means. Most importantly, "Tell us about (GAME), or we'll break your legs."

Trigun or Cowboy Bebop?

~TH Cole (brevity's wit's soul...heh)

Chris gives Trigun an "A". Chris gives Cowboy Bebop an "A+++++". One Plus for "Mushroom Samba". One Plus for "Cowboy Funk." One Plus for "Ballad of Fallen Angels," and two for Faye's mammaries. I give them both "F's"! F for foolish! Go read a book, insolent fool!
Hi. Quick correction on that line from Hamlet. It actually goes like this:
To be or not to be--that is the question:
Whether .tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them.

I had to memorize a whole bunch of lines from Hamlet for a test earlier this year.


When I say, "Read a book", I mean one on Physics or Quantum Mechanics! Not on the frivolites of plays and novels! Idiots! All of you! Face my superior brain-power!
You have been found guilty of recommending a wrong game to a person in the column.

Since you recommended Lunar 2 over Valkyrie Profile, I can only assume that you have never played the latter. If you have, what you have done is unforgiveable. If you have not played Valkyrie Profile, your statement may just be forgiveable. But, not playing the game isn't.

Hope you feel bad about yourself.

P.S. This isn't a flame. Just a statement to defend VP.

Chris always feels bad for himself! This is because he is a big wuss! (If you are reading this, Christopher, consider this revenge for halting my "At what temperature do kittens melt?" experiment.)
Chris has not played Valkyrie Profile. He says it is probably good, though. He was only making a judgement call. This does not excuse the fact that he is quite the wuss boy! He lacks a "Y" chromosome! ahahaha! Trash talk is indeed sweet.

All fans of wonkycyber, raise your hands.
Now, if you either are a girl, pretend to be a girl, act like a girl, or look
like a girl, keep your hands up.
If you really love me, keep them up too.

wonkycyber has formed a fangirl society. You can find it's eGroups website at

You can join by e-mailing .

You can also find a listing of vital information about the group at wonky's

The wonkycyber Fangirl Society has been formed. Are YOU ready?

There. One of our readers has created a society of females who partake in this "Gaming" silliness. Bah! Perhaps Chris should join.... because he has characteristics that are like those of a young woman! Ho ho ho! Check and mate, Mr. Martin. Checkmate.

The Last Laugh:

Ring ring! School bell! Go to school!

Chesh"Super kick!"

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