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   Dog on Fire  
Chris Martin- February 18th '01- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

Today, is a very solemn day. A day of reflection and introspection. For today, a mere three months ago, a young internet columnist crawled up to his keyboard and began making dirty jokes about the butts of summoned monsters and characters. That little kitty was me. Is me. Is still me. Whatever.

Yes, it's my three month anniversary. Did you know? No you did not. ;) But that's ok. There'll be cake in the editorials section later. Help yourself to a piece.

I celebrated by going to see Jon Stewart speak. He was just...too funny. So funny, anything I type tonight just sounds stupid. (To me. The rest of you may continue to laugh) He signed my book, and answered questions from the audience. All in all, a nice guy.

And to thank him, I will shamelessly steal his jokes.

Hello?
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Forgive me if I come across as crabby.
Dr. Drew, eat your heart out.
Hey Chesh

I've been playing PSO a lot lately. Its a great game. My character is a HUnewear, and she is pretty hot. But the problem is I keep getting hit on. I keep telling all these guys that i'm a guy, and they keep at it. Here's the wierd thing, i think i like it. A lot of the time i flirt right back at them. Is there something wrong with me? It is just a role playing game, so i act as the role of my character. A lot of people don't quite understand where i'm coming from though. They think i'm just a freak. But i have quite a few friends that understand. I was just wondering your take on it. Do you think i'm a freak?

thanks for listening
Ender

PS My character's name is Violyn, and i get people saying, 'a guy couldn't come up with a name like that'

Cheshire Catalyst:
What you're doing doesn't sound too outlandish, Ender. Roleplaying someone of another gender can be a bit awkward, but it's really funny at the same time. As for the people hitting on you, if the same thing happened to me, I'd mess with their heads too. It'd give me an oppertunity to see what it's like on the other side of male pick-up lines.
As for the name thing... their logic makes no sense. I'm a guy. I will now invent these names. "Seraph", "Seria", "Pearl", and "Madam Bigboob". Judge Chris's verdict? Not insane. When you start cosplaying as your character, then call me.

 
Coming soon from Nintendo: Rock Mario and Scissor Mario
Hey Chesh whats up?

Anyways, lately I purchased Paper Mario for N64. I mainly purchased it because it was the supposed sequel to Super Mario RPG (which btw I loved). I would have to say, that for an N64 RPG and for a game I was "hardly" looking foward to, it's damn fun. Sure it doesn't have the Final Fantasy gameplay, or the Xenogears story but it's actually very addicting. It does cut down on the RPG elements and sometimes focuses more on platforming, but all in all it is a quite good game and anyone with a N64 should check it out. Anyway enough of my plug. Questions...

1. What exactly does HP stand for? Ive been playing RPGs since Dragon Warrior for NES and I could of swore it was Hit Points. Now my friend it trying to tell me it is Health Points. Maybe Heart Points? Does it differ game to game? Whats the deal?
2. What ever happened to Brad Lohr? Is he still around?
3. Why does everyone hate SaGa Frontier?
4. What is Front Mission 3 or Suikoden like? I just picked both of them up 2nd hand but I havn't really played them yet.
5. How do you thing the X Box will fare?

Alright thats enough babbling from me...
Later
- JJberb "It seems that people without brains do an aweful lot of talking" Scarecrow, Wiz of Oz

Cheshire Catalyst:
1.) Hit points, most often. It's the universal variable for the number that represents how alive your character is. Some games refer to it as "Health Points" as well.
2.) Heh heh heh. Brad quit. But there's something you should know folks. (Pats his "violin" case) No one walks away from this buisness. No one.
3.) SaGa had some pretty funky graphics. Also, the game was pretty unbalanced and the mechanics were never explained that well. Some people love it though.
4.) Front Mission 3 is a tactics like strategy game. Customize your mechs to do better damage. Really enjoyable. Suikoden is 1/2 rpg with some tactical elements to it. I've only played Suiko 2, myself.
5.) I think it'll do very well. The specs are pretty awesome, and it's backed by Microsoft. I think I'll get myself one.

 
The evil queen won't go home. Make her leave...
Hey, Chesh! This is to let you know I'm here.

I was at WalMart the other looking to purchase a new game for my DC. I'm thinking ShenMue (I've already beaten it, but it's that much of a kick-ass game.) The guy who was supposed to get me the game said that soon, the DC games will be pulled off the shelves and won't be sold anymore... I say to him that that's not true. Sega's newbie has a few years left in it.

Time goes on. I'm at work today and a lady who owns a DC said the same thing. Sega is thinking of pulling the DC from the shelves and won't sell it or the games anymore.

PLEEEEASE tell me this isn't true!!! Tell me this is some kind of bogus rumor!!

DC ROCKS!!!

Queen Beryl:

My rumor continues to burrow deep into the hearts of many, despite it being entirely untrue. I haven't had this much fun since the Y2K scare. Oooh! Oooh! Y2K is going to destroy our computers! We're going to have to live like it's (GASP!) 1980 again! Quick buy all the R&B you can before it's all replaced by Cyndi Lauper cassetes! Ahahahah! The truth is, Sega will continue to make DC games for another year and a half or so. But no one will know the truth. What?! My plan to kidnap Joe Liebermann and turn him into my zombie slave has failed? Damn you, Sailor Moon! Does your pretty heart know no bounds?

 
When I was six, I was already a video game phreak.
Heya Chesh!
I have a good question for you. I have to get my 6 year-old female cousin a present for her 7th birthday. She loves to play video games, and always has. (Guess it runs in the family, ne? ^_^) She has asked for a PSX game, and I am considering buying her a simple semi-RPG. She has always loved playing them (with my help, of course, to get through battles and read dialogue). She loves playing Breath of Fire 3 with my help, and has also shown great liking for Sonic Adventure, (which she can play on her own due to rather smooth gameplay and voiceovers) Harvest Moon PSX, Azure Dreams, Tales of Destiny, Rhapsody, and Mario RPG on my old SNES. She tends to like games that have alot of things like riding motorcycles, cooking, swimming, and doing non-linear things of that sort. She has shown a bitter despising of turn-based and random battles. (Probably too frustrating and confusing for her age) She also likes things with really cutesy graphics bursting with color. (Like Rhapsody, Breath of Fire 3 and Harvest Moon PSX) She can only read slightly, so voice-overs are a must. What would you recommend? I am thinking maybe getting her Mega Man Legends or its sequel, Misadventures of Tronne Bonne, Brave Fencer Musashi, or something like that. What do you think? Many thanks. ^_^

-Rinoa the Resistance Fighter
P.S. I have also made her into a Sailor Moon fanatic like myself. Bwahahah. :)

Cheshire Catalyst:
You've brought another Moonie into the world. For that you must be punished!...later

FF7 has lots fo fun minigames. Legend of Mana would be a pretty good choice for her. If you can wrangle a copy of FF Mystic Quest, that'd be good too. Chrono Cross might even be good for her. (Cover her eyes during the naked scene!)

 
This column is being broadcasted in 12 languages.
You da man... or something...

I think I may be able to shed some light on Tidus' appearance. It just hit me the other day. Last June I took a week off in Shibuya before leaving Japan, and well, the streets of our favorite capital of young Japanese fashion were flocked with Tidus look-alikes. Yeah, baby, that's the look of the season. And I guess it's still in now. Oh, and if you think that's bad, wait'll you see the ganguro girls.... *runs away screaming*

Have a happy
Yapi

Cheshire Catalyst:
What can I say after this frightening letter? Square is manipulating hundreds into looking like their main characters. He who controls Final Fantasy, controls the world.

 
Quickies
Hey CC,
Maybe your a lion. Yes, Amarant is the man!

The Great Cornholio

Lions rule. They sleep 18 hours a day. That so kicks ass.

Mr. Catalyst:

In the Lunar series, why are they called bromides? In chemistry, I learned that bromide is a polyatomic ion with bromine and...oxygen I think. So WHY are those pictures in Lunar called bromides? Arrrrrrgh. I feel that I am totally missing something here. Ner. On a side note, the thought of Gundam Wing valentines is frankly quite scary. ^_^

Shinigami
"I don't have a special sig. Meow."

Bromide has several meanings. In addition to those two, it also means "A person who's very conventional or commonplace in his habits" and a type of paper that is coated with gelatin and injected with Bromide Silver.

You're really cool. You make me laugh. I'd go to bed with you over that belligerent slime any day of the week. Keep up the terrific job.

~Samantha

In the words of fat comic book guy from the simspons, "Best quickie EVER"
No One Lives Forever in the PC? "You look like you need a monkey!" :)

Look out for ze bullets!
Hey, aren't we taking this cowboy thing just a little too far?

Possibly...
you and your yoko kanno lyrics :P

-Smud

Ok ok. I get the message. (Hums "No Need for Promise")

One quick question your Reaction Enhancing Feline Q&A host, sir:

At my local Blockbuster Video, there is one copy of Final Fantasy Tactics. I am the only person in the entire town who ever rents it. Do you think that if I asked, and explained how I'm the only person who ever plays it in my town, they will give it to me? Or should I bring money, just in case.

-"But the old man likes his canoles, Frank" Walo

Something tells me that they won't just give it to you. You might be able to buy it from them though, if you sweet talk the manager. It's doubtful though.

Starlight Honeymoon Thereapy Kiss!

The Last Laugh:

Here's a valentine for all of you. Please don't claw your eyes out...

See you tomorrow!


Chesh"Lady Une. Too sexy."@rpgamer.com

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