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Chris Martin- February 17th '01- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

How was your week? Was it totally wicked cool? Did it take you away to another world where everything is fun, and you're the star? Good for you. What did you learn? Every day you learn something new. Here's some important wisdom I picked up this week.

-Charles Dickens wrote many books.
-Don't debate with ninjas. Just...don't.
-If you think you're wierd just because you watch cartoons in college, don't. Right down the hall, there's a guy who dresses like Lara Croft, and practices Jeet Kune Do. Not only that, he's the president of the club. Empress Lara, we call him. We laugh, and then he kicks us.
-Women don't think your collection of games and anime is sexy.

Finally, remember how you used to buy valentines for everyone in class back in fifth grade? Well, apparently, they don't do that anymore in college. No notice in the registrar, nothing in the campus newspaper. Now I'm stuck in my room with three thousand Gundam Wing valentines and feeling like an asshole. Thanks Student Life. (My favorites are the one where Quatre is hugging Trowa and it says, "Be my homosexual platonic male valentine." and the one with Lady Une polishing her picture of Trieze. "I'm crazy for you, Valentine!" it reads.)

Enough with my shortcomings, let's see a few of yours.

Call Me. Call Me.
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Como se díce?
In the PC:
No One Lives Forever
Bummed it from a friend. It's hilarious. "Oh, now you are making my day!"
In the PlayStation:
Vanguard Bandits
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Assorted Nonsense



And Women with Attitude.
A letter from Canada, eh.
Hello! Can I have some money? No? Moving on.

I was wondering if a DC is a sound investment? The older games are starting to fall off the face of the earth (like Tactics did, sob) and it's going to die fairly soon, but I've been seriously considering my 150 dollars canadian.

Does it come with a controller, by the way? I looked at the box and it didn't say anything.

Also, allow me to express thanks to those who sent my comic's link into RPGamer and the one who subsequently published it (i forget the name, i suck, shoot me with a crossbow from the tower in Gasworks) but anyway here is the worlds tiniest giant thanks: THANKS.

- webrunner, Adventurers! Cartoonist.

Cheshire Catalyst:
Sega's Dreamcast still has about two good years left. Sega will stop producing them before too much longer, so you might want to get one. Games will continue to be produced for the DC for a couple more years. (Phantasy Star Online 2 and Shenmue 2, for instance) Dreamcasts come with a controller, the control deck, and the cords to hook it up with. You'll need to buy a memory card though, nost likely. (They run about $25 US)! Helping struggling artists and the clinically insane since 1862.

What is in her butt? Only meat? Meat and disaster.
There's a big-arse FFIX spoiler in here, kids.

Hey (monks sing) CHRIS MAR-TIN

I was thinking, how many cats or cat refrences are involved at RPGamer? Have you ever dressed up as someone? Maybe since the fangirls seem to love Kuja maybe we could dress up as him to be admired by the ladies. But how does he wear those close and hide his tail and not get cut in two by a thong. I only make no sense since this is my only place to vent my thoughts and has been so for now about 3 years. It messes with your sanity and if you need some help I can answer questions with you and please make more scary pics or someone else do so and use my ideas since they're pure evil.

-Imperial Mog

Cheshire Catalyst:
One can only assume Kuja has his own ways of keeping safe his owm extremities. It does make you wonder. If humans had tails, would we have tail etiquette? Would there be any rude gestures you could make with your tail? Would people compare size? Would touching someone else's constitute sexual harrasment? At least we know one thing. Sex would be better.

An evil plot to take over the world.

I have a minor question that's probably been answered before. If so, don't even give grant me the honor of replying.

Is there any particular reason that most everyone was amazingly excited about FF9 "going back to its roots" before it was released, and yet less then a few days afterward most everyone was commenting on how much it was like the old Final Fantasies? I just imagine the following conversation taking place:

FAN: You suck, Square! We want the old-style Final Fantasy back!
SQUARE: Ok, check out these black mages!
FAN: All right!! This is gonna be super-cool! Finally the series is going to bring all the old stuff back! Nothing like FF8!
* SQUARE releases FF9.
FAN: What the...? This has all the old stuff! We wanted something new!
SQUARE: But... but...
FAN: You suck, Square!
* Upper Square management resign.

So... yeah. What's the deal?


Queen Beryl:

It means that everything is going according to plan, maggot. My evil spell has changed the once innocent fans of Role-Playing games into drooling hordes that are as impossible to please as my pet razor-toothed swamp alligator. What! No Jedite! How many times have I told you? Don't touch my oven! If you wanted pudding, you should have asked. Christ, I work with such morons.

la la la.

Dear Grinning Feline of Enzymatic Acceleration,

Do you know of any source for sheet music to video game soundtracks that's not arranged for solo piano? Do such things even exist? Specifically I'm looking for anything arranged for a solo melody instrument, or anything arranged for multiple instruments. I'm not sure if this is really your area of expertise, but it's a question that I haven't seen addressed in other columns.

Also, I have to ask. What exactly do you catalyze? Biochemical transitions between pink and green dye? The ignition of Firaga spells? Enquiring minds want to know.



Cheshire Catalyst:
We have a section in our sound cave for guitar tabs. Most sheet music published for games IS Piano Solo though. That stuff CAN be useful if you use it to find out the song's real tablature. You might have to write your own. Check out That's where I get all of my game music.
And what do I catalyze? Love, baby. Sweet love.

This column is being broadcasted in 12 languages.

I need to know if you can sign on to the internet using your Dreamcast without having to sign-up to that thing where you gotta pay 20 bucks a month. I want to get PSO and use some of the features on the Shenmue Passport disk but I don't have the money to pay 20 bucks a month. I would'nt mind if you just said I could or could'nt. But if I can, could you explain how (every time I try I can't get in so if I can I must be doing something wrong)?


Cheshire Catalyst:
You don't need to buy to get online. Any ISP will work. Any ISP -EXCEPT- AOL. Why doesn't AOL work? Do you really need to ask that?

Let's kick the beat!
hey there, sport, what's up?

Yeah, well, down to business.
1) Some time ago, someone kept mentioning you could download RPGMaker 2000 (translated) from somewhere. I can't find it. Do you know?
2) On the the subject, does anyone know approximately how much memory is needed on a memory card to make an RPG with a decent length on RPGMaker for the PSX?
3) Not really a question, but: Amarant is the man.

~Super Dynamo
(Amarant may be the man, but Beatrix has an eyepatch)

Cheshire Catalyst:
1.) has the English version. Supported by Don Miguel.
2.) You need the whole card.
3.) Yes, he is. Beatrix is sexy.

That's all I have to say.

Yeah. Definetly too much time on someone's hands. Move Zig! For great justice!

Hi! I just wanted to answer/respond to a question made by: "Captain "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SPOONY VULCAN!!" Cid Highwind "

The first question he asks is: 1) When in FF8 is "Maybe I'm a Lion..." played?
The answer is: It is played during the fight with the Ultimate Guardian Force thing that Ultimecia summons at the end of the game.

Thanks, and I hope that helped!

Very good! You get a tilde. ~ I'm so generous. Oh, and the name of Ultimecia's summoned guardian force is "Griever". He's a lion. Lions rule.
Speaking of making no sense: Iceland - coffee mug - lawnmower

uhh... uhhh.... Things that hurt if you run your head into them? *Ding!* Yeah! I just won the $100,000 pyramid!

In your opinion, which element is most important for a story to excel (Characterization, plot, details, etc.)?


It goes without saying that you need all of them. Best? That's tough. Good characters can be smothered by a bad story. A weak story sometimes can't support some awesome characters. (One of Escaflowne's few shortcomings). Detail? Well, if the story's full of holes... then that's a problem. I don't think I can pick just one thing. All must be in balance and harmony with one another.

Gorgeous Meditation!

The Last Laugh:

I'm going to sleep. Now. I'm going to go see someone really cool tomorrow speak, do stand-up comedy, and sign his book. Hopefully, if I don't make an ass of myself, I'll have a funny story to tell. 'till then, ta!

Chesh"Something Good for Edward!!!"

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