Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

   Blue Roses  
Chris Martin- February 11th '01- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

Hey there.

... doin' anything this weekend?

...I was...y'know just asking.

But uh...if you weren't doing...uh..anything special, I wonder if you'd want to....

uh...want to read the Q&A column...or something?

You...will? Cool! I mean...that's great. See you!

And now....this column goes out to all the ladies. Oh yeah. Dig it.

Ask a silly question?
Ask Cheshire Catalyst
Get a silly answer.
Recent Q&A's


Old stuff
Como se díce?
In the PC:
I hate this goddamn game...
In the PlayStation:
Vanguard Bandits
The fat guy sucks. He's funny though.
Assorted Nonsense



Let's start things off with a splat.
Hey (monks sing) CHRIS MAR-TIN I noticed that I keep being accused of corrupting monks. My monks are allowed to do it since they are only singing and doing it for good. Also nobody else who has monks are being critisised and they use the very same monks and I get money for it. Why won't anyone make my scary pic ideas? Integrity is overated and it's not as bad as my "Temptation Island" idea which is to get me popular with fangirls. I put them on an island with many bishonen and see what happens. If I'm being challenged in a fight I know many skills from news events like my new skill "furniture swipe." Chester Cheetah, is there much else in new RPG's this year? You broke my streak of 4 straight letters being answered. Does Mistress Nightshadow have any special attacks or spells to worry about? Imperial Mog

Cheshire Catalyst:
It's pretty tough to corrupt a monk. They sit in silence and write all day. Sometimes they go to eat, but they spend most of their days copying sheet music, writing and playing "Heads up Seven Up". Hell, I could do that. Hell! That's WHAT I do all day. Sit and read and write. Oh, I play "Heads Up Seven Up" too, but no one wants to play with me. :(
The RPG front looks pretty dry. Fortunatly, all you have to do is go out and pick up one of the many RPG's just released a few months ago. There is balance in the universe again.
Oh, and watch out for Mistress Nightshadow. She has all of the Level 7 Mage spells, and possesses the legendary "Staff of the HighEditorialst" +1 to Strength, -5 to Saving throw Vs. Poor Grammar, and +20 to kicking your ass.

How to be a regular. Any potential stalkers might want to read this.

Heya, Cheshy-sama. I have some advice for The Masked Mystere: You say you want to be a regular? Well, I don't know if people consider me a regular, but I do know that I have about as much or more posts as Imperial Mog (we'll find out when the Insanerest updates). Here are some words of wisdom to get the letters-posted-on-RPGamer count skyrocketing.
1. If you only want to ask one or two serious questions, GET TO THE POINT!!! I've learned this the hard way.
2. Do not tell the host about your personal life and stick a question somewhere in the middle. I have learned this the hard way as well.
3. Try not to ask an extremely stupid question (e.g. Can you transfer the new G&S Pokemon to the old games?). This I have not learned the hard way, because nothing I do is stupid. I learned this from IGNPocket. BTW, did you know that e.g. is the acronym for the Italian translation for "For example"? Forgot exactly what it stood for. I didn't learn this the hard way either, because it's mostly just useless trivia.
4. Try to mention non-regulars in your letters. It makes them feel more special (don't you feel special right now?). This I could not have learned the hard way, because feeling special is never hard.
5. Try not to spoil any RPG's for the host when you KNOW that s/he hasn't beaten that game yet. I have not learned this the hard way either, because the hosts always beat me to the ending (the exception being Chrono Cross).
6. Hosts like the word "-sama".
7. If you want to write a joke quickie, try to make sure it's funny! I got past this one once, but I can't prove it because I forgot to add my sig.
8. Hosts like Haiku.
9. Try to avoid typos or grammar mistakes. Makes you look smarter. It helps if you look over your letter once or twice or thrice. Um, that's it. If just one person benefits from this, I can die knowing that I have made the world a better place. Goodbye!

BL Alien

Cheshire Catalyst:
1.) It's handy. Sometimes. When I have to waid through 70 letters, it's nice to know what the letter is about.
2.) Revised. If you're a FanGirl who likes hosting sensual massages after Role-Playing sessions (Video Game and otherwise. Wink Wink.) then by all means, tell me. Oh, and if you have a funny story about shoving your brother down the stairs, that's cool too.
3.) I like questions I can answer easily. It makes my brain feel better.
4.) How would they do that? Why would you do that? Unless someone wrote in with something you disagree with, why would you comment on that? "Hey, remember how that guy three letters down from the top said how he liked boobs? I do too.
5.) I'm pretty cool about spoilers. Most of the time. Medium sized spoilers don't bug me too much. Hey, if I didn't want my games spoiled, I wouldn't be doing this. I'd be... I don't know. Outside at a party or with some other human being maybe. Wild, huh?
6.) I prefer "Your Holyness." Shoot me, I grew up Catholic. I really should be the next pope. I'd be the most kickass pope any of you ever saw. I'd just sit around and screw with peoples' heads all day. "Oh Cardinal John! God just called me, and he said that as of tomorrow, he's dropping the whole "Thou shalt not kill" thing. Yeah, shocked me too."
7.) Ancient Ninja master say: "If Joke not funny, is it joke at all?"
8.) I'd prefer a sonnet.
9.) That's pretty universal. Typoes suck, but I'll try not to hold it against you as a mortal sin if you use "It's" when you should use "Its".

Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame SHOT!
Oi! Whats up Chesh?

I'm writing in to express how sick I am of seeing people bash Legend of Dragoon in this forum...Obviously, the amount of letters sent out has decreased over time, but I still see people compare New "bad" games to LoD. Now, sure, LoD had it's bad points - it had a world map not unlike that of FFMQ; Gold was realitivly hard to obtain in large amounts, etc. Thing is everyone keeps referring to it's storyline as being cliched. It's story, and all the character's and events in it were no more cliched then the last 3 Final Fantasys, (with consideration to FF9's cliched plot as being the thing that made it truly great). Noone seems to take into account it's good side - it had better FMV then the FF series, and came complete with fantastic voice-overs. It had it's own unqiue Battle system, just like every Final Fantasy game had it's own, that added a whole new level of player interaction. You HAD to keep up with the game to win - you couldn't just hit "fight" when a monster came near you. It's graphical ability, though not on parr with FF8 or 9, wasn't truly terrible, and didn't detract from the quality. It's dialouge and translation were flawless. So why does everyone have such a horrible view on this game? What is it in this game that makes people turn away in disgust? I think it might be because it wasn't made by Square, but by Sony, and some people view it as an attempt by Sony to cash in on Square's string of hits. That may be, but Sony's little upstart got me back into RPG's, and I think if people would give it a chance, they'll see a game that may be full of the same old cliche's, but is fun to play nonetheless, because of the innovation that lays beneath the surface in spite of itself.
Thank you for reading this! PunkHead

Cheshire Catalyst:
Legend of Dragoon wasn't a BAD game. Of all of the reviews done of the game, the lowest it recieved was a "5" Stone Cold Average. A "C". And honestly, that's where I think this game lies.
The Good:
The game had some awesome graphics. I thought the in-battle sprites were surprisingly well rendered. The game's backgrounds are drop-dead gorgeous. Also, the music, composed by rookie Dennis Martin (no relation), is quite good. Finally, I enjoyed the battle system. The additions system got on my nerves occasionally, but the entire concept of transforming into Dragoons was cool. Likewise, Magic effects were pretty as well. (Even if Rose's look a little obscene)
The Bad: I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree when you say that the dialouge and translation are flawless. Granted, there were no painfully glaring errors, but the text had no emotion behind it. All of the characters spoke with pretty much the same formal tone. Also, occasional misspellings ("Vally") make me cringe. The characters weren't anything to write home to mother about either. Dart was the same, brash young hero seeking to avenge his father a million times before. Lavitz was the staunch, true-to-the-crown knight. Rose was the character with the enigmatic motives. Miru was comic-relief. Top it off with a silent, silver topped villain, and you've got one cookie-cutter RPG there. To the game's credit, the plot does improve towards the end. You were only able to carry 32 items. Finally, the game redefines the meaning of the term "linear." Town A. Dungeon B. Town C. Repeat Ad Nauseum.
The Ugly: Nothing, really. Like I said, it wasn't a bad game. Well, ok. If I have to put something here, I'll say "Rose's Magic Attacks." What the hell was up with "Death Demension"? It looked like she was sucking the enemies into her [CENSORED].

Ok, real questions. Here we go!
Hey Chesh, how are ya?

I'm personally getting quite sick of people trashing Kuja for looking effeminate. He's not meant for guys to find manly and normal looking (by rpg standards), but for women to find attractive. Do we complain (too loudly) that Tifa has breasts 3 times the size of a normal woman, or that you can see Luna's butt when she's transformed into Althena, and most of the rest of her skin? Or that every single girl in any anime or rpg is pencil thin and gorgeous? Or maybe the guys who are complaining about Kuja are jealous that he is attractive to girls. Anyway, that said, I think I have questions...oh yeah.

1) Do you know of any PBeM RPG's out there for Lunar SSSC? I just finished playing it, and I'm already in an FF6rpg and FF7rpg, I'd like to be able to get in on one for Lunar too, if there is one. If not, and someone who is reading this wants to start one, go for it! Contact me and I'll help you!

2) What do you think would be the most worthwhile purchase, Dreamcast with games such as Shenmue, or PS2 with the new FF's and redone FF's?

3) Do you like sushi? I love sushi.

4) Just a side note, not really a question, but that green guy you put on Q&A looked a lot like a fanart for Googleshng...any connection, or just coincidence?

-Elena Holman

Cheshire Catalyst:
Most of us are guys. Check that, most gamers (or "gamerz" if you use AOL) are guys. Thus, games are marketed mostly for men. (See any one of the 8 million sports games, or Tomb Raider titles.) We like to joke about Kuja. We have no reason to be jealous of Kuja. At the end of the day, who are you gonna go to the Middledale Junior High sockhop with? A flawed human being or some polygons? It's not just the chicks who are physically perfect, mind you. Most male heroes (I know that's redundant) are sinewy boy-band candidates. And character, and this is across gender lines mind you, depicted as overweight or too skinny usually have some comic quirk to their character and are never the hero. (With the exception of Megaman. I have his gut, I think. Ahh! One more game of Vanguard Bandits!) But is that the fault of the game companies? Hardly. From Hercules to Batman, we like our heroes and heroines to exemplify the things we find most important in a human being. "Fat" and "Ugly" don't exactly scratch the top ten. Is it short sighted to put looks before character? Yes. But why have a fat hero who fights for love and justice when you can have a thin hero who fights for love and justice? Rant Over.
1.) None that I can find. I've never even heard the term before, but it sounds like some sort of online roleplaying. That's cool. If anyone wants to get in on some fun, drop her a line.
2.) Dreamcast. Most people bought the PS2 simply because it plays DVD's. The number one piece of software for the PS2 in Japan? "The Matrix". Skip the PS2 and getcha self a Dreamcast. X-box looks sweet too.
3.) I tried sushi once. I thought it was pretty nasty. I believe my words were, "This is the single most disgusting thing I've ever put in my mouth. And I paid off my student loans working as a male prostitute in downtown Chicago, so that should say something." If you like Sushi, more power to you. I hear it's good for you.
4.) Google doesn't have menacing fangs. The Gaming Beats does. And they bite. Right into your soul.

Why don't you get a job? Oh wait, here's one!
Hey Chesh

Keep up the good work! I visit rpgamer daily.

If you would be so kind, I have a shameless plug for you:

I'm an amateur MMORPG designer and i'm currently looking for artists. (writer/classical/CGI/3d modeler/animator) If you happen to know of any 1) talented artists 2) and those who have strong opinions on gaming/RPG philosophy, give me a shout. We're in great demand for em. With our "social" engine coming out at the end of the month we need an artist database pronto.

Well, I'll leave you alone so you can keep reading the 6 dozen or so other e-mails you have left to read. :)

-Stefan Di Iorio

Cheshire Catalyst:
All right, folks! This looks like a fun project. If you feel like contributing to something that could, one day, turn out to be very cool. Here's you chance!

Rrr! I only went to this thing to watch End of Evangelion but I missed it because they didn't say what time it was gonna be on. But I saw a couple eps of Trigun. Fair trade?


Trigun is an uplifting and humorous show about how precious life really is. EoE will grab your soul by its sweetmeats (always wanted to say that :D) and drag it screming through the mud. In a good way. Good trade, but you should still try and see EoE. It's pretty cool.
Look, Sir, droids!


PS: For anyone not familiar with Lewt Warz, go to for a Star Wars parody funnier than Spaceballs.

These aren't the quickies you're looking for.
You're a cat?!?! When did this happen?!?!


It's a long story. I was in the Seventh Galactic war. All of humanity faught against the horrible invasion of the Sal'or Empire. Horrible beasts, the Sa'lor. I was stationed on Triton's research and development station. No one expected that those damn dirty aliens would get that far. One day, they attacked the station without warning. Their huge, organic warpships fading into view above us. The entire battle is a blur to be now, though I am still plagued in my dreams of the horrible death-cries of the men women and children (Oh God, the children) who died by the claws of those savage beasts. I vaguely remember a sudden burst of pain striking me in the back. I looked down, only to see the thin, emerald ray of a particle beam bursting through my torso. I passed out.

When I came to, I was surrounded by men in white lab coats. I was suspended in a cylinder of green fluid that smelled like rotting garbage. I would have died, but the scientists there decided to use an untested syrum on me. I passed out again. When I woke up again, I was shocked to see that my skin was covered in green and pink hair. Long, retractable fingernails sproted from my fingers. Also, I had an insatiable urge for fish. I became Cheshire Catalyst. But the government only refered to me as "Failed Experiment C-99" I was abandoned in the middle of downtown Chicago-9. I had no money, no food, and only a large white, piece of cloth for clothes. All I could do was huddle in my cardboard fashioned house and plot my horrible, horrible revenge.

Then Google called and said, "I hear you have the supernatural ability to tell fart jokes."

"Aye", I said. (Don't ask how I got the phone.)

"Then we may have a...use for you". The rest is history.

Being a mutated cat-human isn't so bad. The worst times only come when I scratch Google's furniture, bathe myself with my tongue, or get the urge to poop in the sand.

My younger sister waits every week to watch 7th Heaven. So I know the horrors that you speak of.


When I was stuck in the infirmary a few weeks ago, I had to watch daytime televison. 7th Heaven. It's like someone made a live-action Family Circus show. Oh, and if you think I hate Chibi-Usa, you don't even want to know what I think of that obnoxious 5 year old girl.
Hey there cat with a beaker and/or a giant lab

Do you think Aerith is a cute as I do? Sure,Sephiroth is cool and all,but Aerith was who MADE THE GAME!!!!!(not literally off course(battle square moment))

Also,the only thing i liked about FF8 was no MP

Outlaw Star is one of my fav series. Aisha's kawaii!!

The Masked Mystere

I have no lab. Aeris is very hot. Outlaw Star is cool. I forget, Aisha's the animal-woman right? Or is she the android woman who gets naked and jumps in the blue fluid to pilot the ship? (Non-anime fans: I wish I was kidding when I wrote that.)

The Treasure that Cannot Be Stolen

The Last Laugh:

I'm going to play more VB before bed. I have to help Van Bastion find the one medival mecha suit that only he and his bloodline can pilot. The Escaflowne Ultragunner. Time for fun!


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