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   The Song of the Fallen Kingdom  
Chris Martin - January 20th '02- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

The weekend approaches. Command? Drink hard liquor, dance all night, and pick fights with homeless people. Well, maybe the first two.

For some reason, and I honestly can't understand why, I'm in an especially good mood today. So if the levels of burning sarcasm drop, you know why.

Disclaimer over -- questions, ahora!

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I'd like some grapes.

But you can't sit around in life and wait for people to bring them to you.

Get up off of your ass, and go buy your own grapes. That's my new philosophy.

Sounds like the EU needs to import more RPGs.

Dear Chesh,

A nagging thought has been bugging at the back of my mind for some time now, and it is only recently that I have figured out what it is. Last night whilst browsing through the RPGamer site, I came upon the results of the RPG awards for 2002. Avidly I began to read through, but I became increasingly dismayed at the time. You see with the one exception of Phantasy Star Online, it seems that every game that won an award has not been, or in most cases never will be, released in the UK or the rest of Europe. In the case of Final Fantasy X, us poor Europeans have to wait until at least June before we can get a copy of this.

Now this is not a letter bemoaning the appalling console support experienced by European gamers, it is an expression of concern over this site's seeming unconcern over this factor. The massive choice of RPG's available in the US, as compared with over here is phenomenal to someone like me who is forced to buy RPG's that most people on this site wouldn't even look twice at, because sadly they are the only ones released in this country. I won't run off the list of games that have never seen the light of day this side of the Atlantic, the truth be told it is far too long. However, this factor never seems to be acknowledged or even mentioned by this site. And the one time the situation was reversed, with Shenmue 2, I noticed with a slight feeling of bitterness that this issue was much bemoaned and discussed.

Now I may have got my wires crossed, and perhaps is only for the benefit of people in America, in which case I apologise, but perhaps a disclaimer may have been a nice touch. If not, I just think it would be nice for RPGamer to address the European market once in awhile, even though we are seen as the backwater of videogaming

-Luke Parker

Cheshire Catalyst:
The RPG situation in Europe is a darn shame. I grew up in a rural part of Pennsylvania, that had very little access to the more... ecclectic tastes in anime and gaming that I'd acquired. Granted, that was later fixed for me thanks to the internet and my ability to drive a car to the next town, but I think I can sympathize. The Shenmue 2 incident put the shoe on the other foot for most Americans (myself included), so while there may have been some anger, hopefully now those people understand now what it feels like.
RPGamer is for the benefit of anyone who can read it. Our staff comes mostly from the US, but we have a few international faces here too. (Not in the least of which, Singing sensation Mistress Nightshadow: who comes from the paradise of kangaroos and Paul Hogan known as Australia)
We're also a news organization, if not a highly specified one. We can really only report on the state of RPGs in the current market. We can't really do much about it. The companies that produce these games seem to be missing out on the chance to make a nice amount of cash (pounds, lira, francs, etc.) when they withold themselves from the Euro market.
Again, we're sorry, but whenever a game is to be released in Europe, we'll have it placed on the game's page.

Senile old fart.

Hey C,

I've got a few questions for you. First of all, I recently read about the partnership Nintendo and Sony had in the late 80's, early 90's, some stuff about Sony developing the PlayStation originally as an add-on to the SNES. That was until, Nintendo screwed them over by making a side deal with Phillips, it would appear. Anyway, I'm a huge Nintendo fan, but my question is this: Why does Yamauchi act like such a pain in the butt over Square's 'betrayal' when he himself is guilty of a much larger betrayal? My second question is what in the world is with those CD-i Zelda games? They don't look good; they don't look good at all.

-jaraph "Save Sylvia from Mr. X!"

Cheshire Catalyst:
What can I say? Companies like to, nay HAVE to, look out for number one. Square, Sony, Nintendo, Phillips-Magnavox, Radioshack, Value City, Claire's, Spencer's Gifts, Microsoft... All looking out for themselves.

The Zelda CD-I games are the result of nintendo whoring out their liscence. They're known among the gaming jet set to be astoundingly crappy games.

Twinking characters prior to mooshing enemies.

Hail Almighty Chesh!

Anyway, the other day Goog had someone tlaking about getting to godlike levels in a game. Now that's fun. One of my memory cards is a godlike card, Castlevania, FF VII, VIII, IX, FFT, PE, Xeno, Einhander, are al godlike. 99 levels, all items, all modes beaten. I mean seriously, taking out the end guys in FFT with Double Swords, Math, Ignore Height, 3 Excaliburs, Defenders, and Save the Queens. So much fun. Not to mention on C:SOTN, taking out Armor Lords, and Dracula with 4 hits. Of course, we all have to start over eventually, but I always keep my gods on that card, and add to them all the time. WHo else does this? Any personal thoughts? What games, and what are your favorite things to do? Anyway, enjoy being.

Aeniph - friend of Ein Soph.

Cheshire Catalyst:
Buffing up in games is, for me, only enjoyable if the leveling-up system at least extends beyond the basics of Gain XP, stats go up, repeat until you wither and die. FFX has done a cool job with this, not unlike its predecessors FFV, FFT, and even (gasp!) FFVII. Smiting your enemies may be fun, but the trip to get that powerful should be at leats enjoyable. It is a game, after all.


I'm working on my own webcomic! Any suggestions?!
- Relenia, Queen of Diamonds

Here are some general pointers.

1. Penny Arcade has a humorous formulae. (Two guys talk about games.) If it works for them, it should work for you! Steal their motif shamelessly.
2. Fill your comic with obscure references to games and anime. When doing this, you should assume that everyone has the same opinions and experiences as you.
3. Mentioning "John Romero" is instantly funny because he has long hair, and that is funny. The same goes for Daikatana.
4. Mentioning Jesus in a humorous situation increases the potential that your comic may offend someone without offering any actual depth in the process.

Using these basic rules, I'll even write your first comic for you.

Panel One
Guy One: That man in the corner looks familiar! I am reminded of Daikatana for some reason!
Guy Two: Ha! That is funny because everyone knows that Daikatana sucked more than the final season of Kenshin, and the English dub of Slayers COMBINED!

Panel Two:
Guy One: Excuse me, are you John Romero?
Guy Three: No! I am the Lord Jesus Christ! I have died for your sins!

Panel Three:
Guy Two: Even John Romero's?
Jesus: Hell, even I have my limits.

Whew! Talk about hilaritude! That not only mentioned Romero in EVERY panel, but probably offended about 1/3 of everyone who read it! (Christians, Kenshin Fans...) Use this formulae, sit back, and watch the PayPal donations roll in.

Hey Chesh,

That quote is real easy, I'll bet youll get TONS of e-mails. Its said by Queen Zeal in Chrono trigger, when you reach the end of the Black Omen, and are about to face her in a final battle. Cheers!


If I tried to give a tilde to everyone who guessed that quote correctly, I'd probably wind up breaking the internet.

The Last Laugh:

That'll do it for tonight. I better get to sleep before I get tempted to order pizza or something.

chesh This weapon represents considerable power... Your actions may either save or destroy life. Wield your sword with full knowledge of the consequences!
Not too hard, but not as easy as last week's.

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