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Chris Martin- January 21th '01- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time



And so another orphanage filled with dewey-eyed children not unlike Oliver Twist or Shirley Temple goes up in flames. I told you I'd do it, but you didn't believe me! Why didn't you believe me?!

Shallow, shallow inbox. Such a tragedy. Let's just put it this way kids. If you write in now, and you write about something vaguely relevant, there's a phenominally good chance you'll get printed. Fifteen seconds of fame are there for the taking! Write today!

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Ask Cheshire Catalyst
Comes right after Jude's epistle.
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Como se díce?
In the PC:
Baldur's Gate 2
Ok, Illithid hurt.
In the PlayStation:
Lunar 2: Eternal Blue
Jean's 3rd bromide. Schwing!
Assorted Nonsense

Go buy the latest MAD magazine, kids.

"Obituaries for Video Game characters."

Luigi commits suicide.
I'm like a strategy guide, only obnoxious.
LUNAR 2 Spoilers nigh. Be very afraid.

Hey Cheshkins! Ok, HOW do you beat Zophar? I can only manage to knock off one of his hands before he kills me. I'm at Lv. 50. Also, is there any reward for the frog catching game that you play with Quina? I want to know if there's any reward to this before engaging in a pointless minigame.

Oh, and I saw you mention this yesterday, but I have to ask. Should I get Perfect Blue or the first Ranma movie- Big trouble in Necronon, China.


Cheshire Catalyst:
Ok, the Zophar thing. Here's Cheshire Catalyst's handy-dandy guide to beaing him.

Zophar's first form is both very easy and very disturbing. A couple of Hiro's Triple Sword's in conjunction with attacks by Jean and Leo will knock him down. I guess when you gain that much power, you can turn into a freaky naked woman and vaporize anyone who laughs at you.

First, go out and build everyone up to level 51. That's the level where Jean learns, "Slam Dance." It's an upgraded version of her old dance attack that does more damage. Also, get the fiend ring from near the base of Zophar's keep. It gives you powerful defense, but has a nasty handicap. You start each battle with one HP. This can be countered in the final boss battle with angel rings or Ronfar's healing powers. By the way, equip all of your angel rings now. Not only to they revive your characters when they die, but they restore them to full HP and MP. One last thing, be sure to have saved up as many silver lights and life jewels as you can.

Now, the actual battle. When the battle starts have Ronfar use his saint litany so that everyone is able to restore some HP at the end of each round. Every little bit helps. When it's Jean's turn, just have her attack. Forget about the Slam Dance for now. The doppelganger will try to attack Zophar directly and do zero damage. The only two available targets are Zophar's outer two hands. Each one uses some of Lucia's magic. (Plasma Rain and Thunder Blow are especially nasty). Lemina should work on powering up everyone's attack and defense. If hero's attack is powered up, he can do 2400+ damage with his Triple Sword attack. This first stage of the battle will end when Lucia comes to the revelation that the power of humanity is the greatest force of all. At that point, she'll heal everyone in the party. Now all of Zophar's hands plus Zophar himself are available to target. The hand resting his head is vulnerable to magic. All you can do is watch what his face and hands do. With experience, this should tell you what attack he's going to do next.

One more piece of advice regarding the final battle. Give Lemina the white dragon crest. 50 mp is a lot, but considering she has over 300, it's not so bad. This spell will absorb one attack made for each member of your party. Great for when you need a chance to heal.

Ok, the frog side game. As you capture frogs, Quina's master shows up every so often to give Quina a prize. Here's a list of prizes.

# Frogs Prize

2 Frogs---Ore
5 Frogs---Ether
9 Frogs---Silk Robe
15 Frogs---Elixir
23 Frogs---Silver Fork
33 Frogs---Bistro Fork
45 Frogs---Battle Boots
99 Frogs---Gastro Fork

Finally, Perfect Blue is an awesome, creepy movie regarding what it means to be a public figure, and what happens when fans go to far. The first Ranma movie is like a giant, bad Ranma fanfiction. But, be forewarned. Perfect Blue is not for everyone. There are some scenes in there, stabbing and rape precisely, that aren't for all audiences. For someone who chose "Selphie" as their handle, maybe you should pick Sailormoon R or Kiki's delivery service or Hello Kitty or somesthing. Sheesh.


Yosh! Lunar 2, Eternal Blue has been defeated! And verily, does it rock. ..and verily, does Borgan's Bromide make my stomach churn.

Aside from that, I figured I'd make a quick correction from yesterday - Fish Eye, of Sailor Moon Super S "fame", is indeed a male. He was only dubbed as a female. >.< So now you know, and knowing is half the battle. Uh.. yo Joe?

Anyway, as for a real question.. I just finally borrowed Final Fantasy Anthology from a friend, after being turned off and disgusted from watching people play it since it's release. I could care less about FFV (I never much liked it, although the job system does indeed rock..), so, of course, I dove headlong into FFVI. And while I like the addition of a run button so I don't blow all my precious GP on Sprint Shoes like always, I was wondering.. WHY in the WORLD did Square think it was a good idea to take away all your boss EXP gain in FFVI? I mean, I can understand in V, or VIII, or IX, where it was made that way.. but VI has boss EXP, damnit! ..oh, and what's up with those tin can sounds? Bleh.. I ought to write a rant or an editorial or something about this instead of just babbling at the Q&A guys, but I'm bored, and you didn't get letters yesterday, so you take what you get.

By the way, is it just me, or do Lunar Outtakes in general suck, save for a few good lines?

-Professor "Formerly known as Xelloss-kun" Hojo

Cheshire Catalyst:
Yeah, Sailor Moon is full of crossdressing homosexuals. Actually, I think all of the guys on that show are gay. Well, except Nephrite. He was a pedophile.

Yeah, Square made a few changes to FFVI. It's a good thing that game's already incredibly easy, huh? And yeah, Lunar Outtakes aren't that good, but what do you expect? Something as good as the Thundercats outtakes only comes along once in a century.

Me? A winner? I can't believe it.

You may have already won 1,000,000 Gil!

Just look under the cap of your favorite flavor of Materi-ola and Materi-ola Lite to see if your M-Code matches one of the ones below. If it does, just mail the winning cap and a SASE to:

Materi-ola Sweepstakes
c/o Shinra Corp
182 Magitech Way
Midgar 0116-2626

The winning codes are:
ERAU04 - Genuine artificial gold-tone plastic chocobo medal, attached to synthetic, velvet-like ribbon.
QSSI01 - Mog's House, the Board Game (trademark and copyright Cid Cidmeyer Enterprises).
DLRO09 - 1,000,000 Gil*.
WEHT02 - A Heidigger action figure with genuine do-nothing action!

*Some restrictions may apply. Available only to residents of Kalm and Midgar, who are over the age of 18, and under the age of Eternity. Only humans may apply. Prize will be supplied
in 20 Gil checks delivered one per week for the next 951.538461538461538... years. Actual amount after tax- 6,387 Gil.

Cheshire Catalyst:
Just look for the envelope with Scarlet's picture on the cover. Darn! I was hoping I'd win the million dollars, but all I got was a relaxing evening of fun and frolic in the hot tub with Muki. Great. By the way kids, your letter doesn't have to be revelant. It can be funny like this.


I was playing AD&D (paper-and dice, 3rd ed. rules, btw) and I as much as I like the improvements in the system, I have a question relating to Balder's Gate.

What level do you start at in the first Balder's Gate? I'm asking this because even though I have a cool 1st level cleric, he litterally got beat up by goblins. GOBLINS! Too bad he isn't a vengeful self-adoring warrior or those goblins would have rued the day they heard Thalido. (Actually, I'm a virtueous self-adoring warrior)

--Sir Sanjiyan

Baldur's Gate One starts you off at level one with zero experience points. Fortunatly, before leaving candlekeep, you have a bunch of oppertunities to get some nice quest-experience. After that, you'll be able to gather party members rather quickly. (Hint: Be nice to Imoen)

Quick! Which character do you prefer, Dagger or Eiko, and why? (Barring the fact that you enjoy staring at Dagger's butt, which is a hard fact to ignore, I know, but JUST DO IT!)

Insanerest of AOL

Character wise, I like Dagger's personality better. In battle, Eiko's Holy and Madeen attacks rule the field.

Greetings, ye who can cause smiling cats indefinitely,

Just one quick question for you today. Why did Square cop out so badly with the "good" ending to Chrono Cross? They really should've shown us the effects of merging the worlds, but I guess they were too lazy to sit down and decide what all those effects would be. Would Serge live or die? Would it be Sky Dragon Isle or Terra Tower? Would the Dragoons all be dead or not? etc. Of course, all the issues could basically be decided by coin flips, so Square took the easy way out and avoided it entirely. Wusses...


Thanks for reminding me why I voted Chrono Cross to be one of the biggest "Letdowns of the year." Instead of closure, we get a movie of a Japanese woman walking around coupled with a really annoying song. The first 70% of the game was sheer beauty though.

The Last Laugh:

No more column for you. You go do homework now!

Chesh"Although Link possessed magic spells to ward off wizard transformations, fire attacks, shadow warriors, and crystal skeletons, he apparently had no plan against a simple box cutter."
Link dead at 17.

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