Ask Cheshire Catalyst  

   Fool's Paradise  
Chris Martin- January 20th '01- 12:00 Eastern Standard Time

It's not easy, you know. Balancing the lives of a rich playboy, a humble column writer, and a merciless vigilante known only as "The Angel of Death" who hunts down and kills evil. I just got done spanking around a few dozen of Contessa Mysterioso's ninjas, when I realized that if I didn't do the column soon I would be drawn and quartered by many angry fans. (Not to mention a certain androginous weekday host) So I just got in, peeled off my black leather costume, threw on my casual attire befitting my mild-mannered personality, and sat down. Sad to say, I am displeased at the number of letters. So few. So little. If I don't have more letters in my inbox tomorrow, I will start blowing up orphanages. I mean it this time.

Hey guys, guess what? My T.A. (teaching assistant for the non-college kids) for my course on Dickens is seriously hot. Really. Ok, the only drawback is that she's really skinny with no boobs to speak of. However, she's really good looking. She's this hot asian chick, BUT she has this to-die-for British accent. I swear she sounds just like Elizabeth Hurley in Austin Powers. Looks like I'll be going to office hours this week.

One cold shower later...

Column time!

What IS it man?
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Stimpy! You EEEEdiot!
Recent Q&A's


Old crap
The Archives
Como se díce?
In the PC:
Baldur's Gate 2
I just killed a demon. *yawn*
The Longest Journey
Use the duck on the clamp on the clothesline to get the key. I'm serious.
In the PlayStation:
Lunar 2: Eternal Blue
Zophar has been verily smited. Now, the awesome epilouge.
Assorted Nonsense

My brain has no nonsense.

It only contains important information.

Borgan's Bromide made me gag.
Shipping and handling for a golem.
Minor FF9 spoilage. Anyone past Disc One may ignore.


Uhh, sorry about that...
To the questions!

1. Any clue to why anime people ALWAYS have spikey hair?
I have beed wondering this since I first saw DBZ 2 yrs. ago

2. Why does Dali manufacture the black mages when Alexandria could do it
without the shipping cost? (Yes, this is FF9)

Oh, Goog? IF you read this I just want you to know that there is a prize for
collecting up to card rank 1700. I forget what it is, I just know there is
a prize.

Greth "Disco is not dead! Disco is life!"

Cheshire Catalyst:
It's a natural defense mechanism. When they roam in the wilds, they need that hair so other cartoons won't eat them. Especially American cartoons. Sure, they look harmless. But ever since Inspector Gadget was redesigned by Todd McFarlane, he's been a real prick.

Oh, and I have no idea. Maybe so the public won't find out about it and get spooked?

Wierdos are people too.

Ok, ya promise you won't throw rocks at me after you read this, oh mighty feline? Thought so.

I think I am the only person in the world who can appreciate anime dubbed by Fox or Cartoon Network. Hey, you promised not to throw rocks at me! Oh, that's not a rock... Ok then.

Anyway, my point is that you shouldn't bash Kuja just because he dresses funny. Maybe in his culture, all of the males dress like females, like in Scotland! Anyway, I'm surprised no one mentioned this while they were listing "special" people, but a saga just ended on Sailor Moon on Cartoon Network. Not sure which saga, but anyway, two members of the Amazon Trio (quasi-villians with kewl attacks) were named Hawkseye and Tigerseye. They both dressed a lot like Kuja, but if you watch enough episodes, you'll learn that they are, in fact, heterosexual. I think there's some weird alien culture where the men dress like Earth women. Fisheye, the third Amazon (female), dressed nothing like anybody on Earth does (blue snowsuit, I think :) ). So my point is, don't be mean to aliens just because they dress funny!

-BL Alien

Cheshire Catalyst:
First off, the comment about Scotland was made by BL Alien, not me. Personally, I think kilts and bagpipes are cool. Scotland is wonderful. It gave us wonderful liquor and Sean Connery. No flames, 'kay?

One thing Star Trek and Comic Books teach us is that aliens dress funny. They all seem to either wear nothing or spandex with the exception of women. They wear gold-plated bikinis. By the way, thanks, BL, I was trying to remove the Amazon Trio from my brain. :P

So yeah. Be nice to freaks. Forget about teasing them about their odd clothes now, and they'll forget about shooting you later when they go to school that fateful day after playing one too many games of "Burger Time"

Ok, a real question now. Sorry.

Hey hey, just a quick question on FInal Fantasy IX. I am still on disc 3 (I know, I know, everybody else and their mother has beaten the game, but I am taking my time to enjoy it!) and I am missing 3 chocographs. I found hte one from jumping off the ledge at Kwan's place, and it said "Oh...I get it now..." and htat was it. I have tried searching in the forest and hte lagoon, but to no avail. Where can I find the last 3 chocographs? The BFC (Big Fat Chocobo) won't tell me anything new! Thanks!

-Tengokuryu yori

Cheshire Catalyst:
The final three reside in the Chocobo's Air Garden. First, you need to have found all six chocograph pieces. Finding them all gives you access to the choccgragh that leads you to the chest which contains the gold transformation. Clicking on the pieces on the item screen gives you hints to several world map locations. Go to those places and look for a moving, black circular shadow on the ground. Position your chocobo directly above it and use "dead pepper". This will cause Choco to rocket skywards and enter the sky garden.

It can be found on the western continent. Look around the northeastern shore, but south of the large peninsula that juts northeasterly.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

My best friend has a concussion, too! (And also whiplash) Some big dumb oaf that works at Wal-Mart and is always flirting with her shoved her into some glass. ;_; I feel sorry for her. Look at the bright side....maybe she'll forget about the time I told her Carrot Top was coming on her birthday and the time at the beach that I screamed "TIMMAAYYYY" into her ear while she was asleep....HEY, maybe YOU'LL forget about the time when I switched your Chesire Catalyst signature pic with a Sailor Chibi Moon graphic! See! You already did!

-Rinoa the Resistance Fighter

Cheshire Catalyst:
I have no concussion. That is a dirty, stinking lie Googleshng told. I was, however, forced to watch Utena. I hear it gets good after the first few girly episodes, so I might give it a try.


Most of the digital music on rpgamer is .it Do you know what program plays that?



Sorry, obscure Star Trek TNG Quote

Gnomodiablo: Lord of the Nether Realm

God, is it "Remind Chris of crap he's tried to forget day"? First BL Alien with the Amazon trio, and now you chime in with the Star Trek episode where we all got to see Patrick Stewart's heiny. Jeez.

Hey. Some guy in yesterday's column was asking about some sort of Phantasy Star Collection. Well, there is one, but it's for the Japanese Saturn. It's got all four of em.


And there you have it.

The Last Laugh:

What a sad, sad column that was. It made me cry. I have a plan to make people send in more letters, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow to see what it is.

Oh yeah, and congrats to everyone who got my quote last weekend. I shant underestimate your literary capacity again. I can't pass out tildes for that, so have this emoticon of me smiling with my goatee instead.


Chesh"Excuse me...who are you?"
Yeah, yeah. "Perfect Blue" Sue me, I feel funky tonight. ;)

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