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Chris Martin - January 12th '02- 2:00 Eastern Standard Time

I have returned! For the second time!

Ok, this time it's for real kids. Thanks to a major glitch at home, I recieved a -5 die penalty to my "Do the column" pool. (I've been playing Exalted again. Can you tell?) What's in store for my first column back? Well, for starters, I'll take a largely self-oriented letter and turn it into a collection of mini-reviews! Also, if I have time, I'll express my opinions about various important subjects like economics and toenails. Irrevalent? Possibly. But considering today's New York Times paid someone to write an article that pretty much asked "Who would win in a fight? Gandalf or Merlin?"

As many of you know, 70% of all nerd conversations begin with the phrase "Who would win in a fight?" and usually end with both parties being stuffed in a locker by a linebacker.

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Christmas Story

Welcome back, Herr Kitty-Cat!

So, what'd you get for the Holidays?


Cheshire Catalyst:
An odd question to ask. However, since I'm too lazy to actually write long reviews, I'll just give you some mini-reviews of what I snagged.

Final Fantasy X -- Big, honkin' loads of fun. Great graphics, music, gameplay, etc. Downside? I HATE the cloister of trials puzzles. (The ones with the orbs and pedistals.) Blech! Otherwise, a sweet game.

ICO -- Little boy saves princess. This game teaches the important lesson that women are generally weak and stupid and will let themselves get drug into shadowy vortexes if not for the help of little boys equipped with sticks. Come ON, Princess Yorda! CLimb ONTO the box! Oompa! oompa! OOMPA!!!!!!!!

Grand Theft Auto III -- A testament to the greatness of the human spirit. Some people sat down and said, "You know what? Games about plumbers, bandicoots, hedgehogs, and dragons hopping on platforms and collecting coins are fun and all, but games where you can hire a prostitute, then club her to death and take back your money, are severely underepresentated. Also, games about murdering policemen and doing drive by shootings.
This game is marvelous. Loads of exploration, missions, mini-games, and RPG elements make it an awesome buy. Sadly, it was pulled off the shelves in Austrailia. This a bad news for Aussies, good news for DMA. After all, the coolness quotent of any media can be measured by just how many aging beaurocrats, lobbyists, and "parents groups" you enrage and offend.

Saiyuki -- A nice Tactical RPG. Beat people with your staff while your friends turn into giant monsters. As good as it is, I guarantee you 50% of the people who bought it saw that "Son Goku" was a playable character and assumed that it was a Dragonball Z game. If you're one of these people, despair not. Just have your characters act on one turn, then skip their next five while you clench your fists and scream like you're trying to pass a melon through your urethra.

Claw marks about my eyes -- from accidentally tuning into the MTV "furry" special. Two people having sex in amusement park outfits is strangely horrifying.

And that'll do it for the list.

Sound error!


I rented Xenogears quite a bit ago and loved fact i beat it in a few days, and one of my favorite music pieces was "The one whos torn apart" or rather the theme they play when Id's around. Now i was so excited when Xenogears was re-released, so i went out and picked up a copy..but when i got to a part when Id's theme played, it didnt sound normal, it sounded a little screwed up..I wanna know if thats just how it sounds in the re-release, or just how it sounds on my PS2. Thanks!

- Sergeant Pantsonfire

Cheshire Catalyst:
The PS2 is notorious for having small problems with some PSOne games. That sounds like it.

Magic coins

Minor Hoshigami Spoilers -- You may wanna read if you're having trouble

Google lied about Hoshigami - There's actually eight deities, not six. The other two, Elvilla and Vugtis (Light and Darkness, respectively), have to be gained through special means. It's worth it, though, because these two are ridiculously powerful. Hey, they're in the instruction manual! Why would they be in there if there weren't a way to worship them? ;)

Vugtis is the ultimate melee fighting deity, teaching some really brutal abilities, including: Phys Dmg +30%; Seven Pains (causes all seven status ailments per hit!); Seven Guard (defends against all ailments); and my personal favourite - Break All (breaks all items, including coins, per hit!).

Elvilla, predictably, is the ultimate coinfeigm user's deity. It gives such classics as: Equip Coin +2; CF Dmg +30%; CF Success +30%; Phys Evade +30% (insane); EXP + 50%; and Final Guard (defends against all status ailments and protects all items from being broken!).

In addition to all that madness, their ultimate equipment (especially Vugtis' Star Blade) are the best in the game. I'd be a pretty big jackass if I didn't say how to get them, so I will. As far as I know, this was first discovered by TeamXK, so I don't take credit for it.

In order to get Vugtis, you have to equip the following abilities on one character - Amu's Aid, Sonova's Aid, and Bat's Wing (Zeneth lv. 14). Now go to the temple in either Marfa or Widden (it won't work in any other town), and that character should be able to select Vugtis.

For Elvilla, equip Gote's Aid, Kashis' Aid, and Lizard's Leg (Ema lv. 14). Now go to the temple in either Aus or Tus, and it should be selectable.

Here's a way to make Fazz insanely powerful early on - Gain one level in Amu at the start, then switch him over to Zeneth ASAP. Now use the Sonova Codex that you start off with in order to teach him Sonova's Aid (or you could just gain one level in Sonova, but this is quicker). Suffer through 14 Dev levels of Zeneth, and then you have all the abilities you need in order to access Vugtis before the end of Chapter 1! This has to be done after the prison escape, however. You're not missing anything important by skipping Amu... The only real important ability he teaches is Confuse Guard, and Vugtis has Seven Guard! >:)


Cheshire Catalyst:
Useful information for those of you in need. By the way, I doubt that Google "lied", and instead simply forgot.


I hate to say it, but I liked Cecil better when he was a Dark Knight.

But... paladins are so cool. :(

The Last Laugh:

Short column, not many letters. That's understandable, since I wasn't so reliable these past few weeks. Anyway, send thine letters for tomorrow and give me something to do.

cheshAvada Kedavra!

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