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Andrew Long- September 26 '03- 02:23 Eastern Standard Time

No FF12 now
A needless movie, rather
Square Enix distracts

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Can I get away with answering everything in haiku form? We shall see...

Hey Andrew, just a question as I look around and reflect after midnight. Is the girl-gamer question and the issues that are raised around it still applicable in today's society as videogames are more mainstream and the standards are more or less set? I reference a rant recently done by Dom on the MegaTokyo webcomic that started me thinking. I never really sat down recently to think about it, but I did a few years ago back in while I was in school. At the time, with the Super Nintendo as king of console gaming, and the most we knew of Sony in videogames was the Dolphin project, girl-gamer issues were raised as the gaming community started to really solidify into what it is today. More or less what you said in Thursday's column with marketing and all that. In which I agree, since if I was part of the marketing team for a development company, who would I target for videogames? The dominant market segment for videogames, males with expendable incomes.

Agreed, although bad,
Bad are commercials showing
Nerds beside Roenick

Now though, with games as The Sims being purchased largely by the female sex (some people say its due to the interior design, micromanaging, and being able to buy stuff) and new articles that points to DOA Xtreme Beach Volleyball being bought by a large of girls due to the shopping aspect as well, times are changing. I don't think so much that there is a lack of marketing and products designed toward the girl gamer herself (oh wow, another Barbie game >.>) but the real truth to the issue is that the girl-gamer is integrating herself into the standard games that are popular now. More so, I'm shocked at the number of how many of my female friends can beat the crap

Not of censorship
Fond am I, yet unfortunate it is
That incomplete was your training

...out of me on Counterstrike. Not to mention that my to-play and already completed list of games are being dwarfed by my female counterparts. Due to the changing lifestyle of a college student, my game playing time is being neglected (>< it sucks, so many good games to play out there too, I'm hoping to touch FFTA maybe after x-mas) and I feel like I'm being overshadowed by my female friends in gaming on whole. Maybe its just the California climate, but am I alone on this aspect? Is the girl gamer issue really as big as it used to be now that gaming is more mainstream? Am I heading in the right direction in saying that its not the lack of games marketed directly towards individual sexes, but now more of an issue of acceptance of girl gamers in the video game marketing community? Or is this more of a regional twist on the issue with living in California with the Bay Area within an hour's drive and travelling down to SoCal once every few months? I've travelled the continential US, but I rather like it here in California, despite everything including the pornstar in the upcoming election. True that California is a lil different from the average American point of view sometimes, so I'm including it as a variable to my observations.

Small enough indeed
And yet, there are places still
Where back now equals front

Oh well, its a quarter to 1 am, and I need to sleep. Whipee for early morning classes. Sorry that the letter isn't RPG centered, but its still revelant. Somewhat. Just curious on your take on the point of views

Dan Tao
Resident Poet

the below haiku is not my original work, but i found it eteched into a zippo lighter found while i was visiting family in vietnam. being the only person around that has a ample grasp of english slang, it was thus given to me. i think you'll like it.

The day I roll in
My grave is when I shall not
Crave no more pussy

Double negatives
These are things I wince over
Haha nonetheless

Yep, this is gonna get ugly

Well, doesn't that just beat all? "Square-Enix Pictures". Kinda figured they'd be able to make movies again after the merger. I'm looking forward to the new stuff S-E has in store for us... but a DVD release? Do they expect to get back all the money they're going to put into the movie on the strength of a direct to DVD (and maybe video?) release alone? Or will they just put together a poor quality movie, like all those Disney sequels that are being made?

Wind through Eisner's ears
And a sign is hung inside:
Nobody Is Home

Anyway, back to S-E.

New Kingdom Hearts games
And FF7 sequel:
Like sun for the soul

"Haiku to you, too."

Travesties are these:
One, Aladdin II: First Blood
Two, Sakaguchi

Well, I guess you can't go wrong dissing Sakaguchi

Am I not 'teh shiznit' for getting you a copy of Disgaea for the cheap-as-dirt price of $41 including shipping? Remember, answer that wisely since I have your address now and I can think of a lot of televangelists that could use a new soul to torme- Err... Save. Anyhow... A question... A question. How about... What are your thoughts on Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children? I'm thinking 'teh sux0r' personally, but then... I was right about FFtSW biting the big one, too. I guess the lesson for the day is that I'm far more uber-1337 than anyone, 'cause I say so.

Oh, and here's your haiku.

blue winter flowers
amidst a backdrop of tears
a frozen grave mourned

The shiznit? You are
The shiznit? Advent Children?
Chances slim to none

For the record: Advent Children is baaaaad medicine in my books

Hey Andrew,

Oh, you should definetely go for the nitrous-oxide instead of getting totally knocked out when you get your wisdom teeth removed. When I got mine taken out, I had the nitrous, and it sure was a funky time. First, as soon as I got the mask on, I felt like I was in a dream, only I thought it was a dream that I already had a bunch of times, and so I had a VERY strange feeling of deja-vu. And then when he started drilling, somehow I thought that he was drilling all the way through my jaw and out the side of my head. These things are the joy that only the magic of nitrous-oxide can bring. It gets two thumbs up from me.
- DynaBladeX

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?
For public consumption, yes
Read between the lines...

Well, I'm posting them all since answering in haiku form seems to be much quicker

Of course, I'm sure you're completely inundated with letters referring to Advent Children, but hey, why not pick mine to print?

I'm not going to sit here and try and pretend that I think it'll suck, or dream up reasons as to why I should pretentiously put it down and say it ruins the greatness that is FFVII. No, instead I'll just go ahead and say what everyone is feeling in their hearts...THANK GOD. A shame it won't be released in theaters, but it'll sell like crazy...finally putting a rest to the "what the hell just happened?" syndrome most players got after smacking up Sephiroth in the Lifestream. I'm assuming the movie will be made using the same technology as the lukewarm Spirits Within? Put to good ends, that kind of computer animation is simply stunning; take a look at the Animatrix : Final Filight of the Osiris to see what it can really do. Even if you don't like the Matrix, the strip-swordfight in the beginning is well worth the price of admission. Ahhh...bliss.

And they better not revive Aeris.

- Feep "Another sequel!"

No haiku from you?
I'm sorely disappointed.
Hmm... No soup for you!

Okay, I can't keep this up... Just skip to the quickies if you're a poetry buff

Andrew of all somethingsomethings...

Cast and I are drunk
We murder hobos at night
Let's go stalk some girls How's THAT for a haiku?? Seems appropriate. I've always liked haikus, they're pretty fun to write. Esspecially when you're reeally, reeeallly bored. You're having all 4 teeth pulled, huh? I agree that being out is better. They gave me like dremorol or some thing and I was out in like 5 seconds. Oh yea, when they say don't rinse your mouth the first 24 hours, don't do it!! Being a rebel that I am, I did, and it bled a lot more than it was supposed to. Trust me, blood soaked gauze in your mouth, DOES NOT taste good. Mad me gag many an occasion. (makes me wanna throw up thinkin about it -_-;;) Surprising, only my left side swelled, and that wasn't that bad. Just take the medicine when you have to and all that stuff. Oh yea that footage of the FFVII movie looks kinda cool. Makes more sense to make a movie then a sequel. (keeps them from rebuilding a whole new game of VII) Oh yes, I do have a question with this long, lengthy letter. Since kupomogli is still stuck in Grandmama Trovoir's windmill in Sweeden, what are the chances I can help you host? I think I'm going to find someone to stalk. Keeps the victims active, ya know?

When'st the cloudy sky doust clear and brighten,

O' Shrouded One

..Okay, I can't keep up this charade. I feel like a sellout anyway, so the rest of this column, save for some quickies, will be in good old fashioned scattergabble. Anyhow, much as I'd like to let you guest host, it really wouldn't be fair to the people searching far and wide for games, so you're gonna have to come up with whatever title rudy wants, or failing that, wait until my chain disintegrates like the rusty metal it may very well be. Nice poem, anyway :D

Whew... I feel better ^_^

No Sequel for you
Final Fantasy Seven
Kingdom Hearts 2 rules

BWAHAHAHA! YES! SQUARE-ENIX DOES LOVE US! Final Fantasy 7, a game that, like all other FFs, deserves no sequel because of it's rather conclusive plot, gets a corny, cheesy DVD as a second story, while Kingdom Hearts, a game that was both incredible and deserving of a sequel, gets a game that looks to surpass the original! Sucks to be you, FF Fanboys! Kingdom Hearts for Life! [/rant]

Seriously, though, I'm glad to see something Kingdom Hearts 2 related aside from the secret endings of the first game (even though Deep Dive was more than enough to get me enthusiastic about this game,) and I'm glad that it's a game they plan on taking and showing off at TGS. And it's really cool seeing Sora all grown up and ready to kick some major @$$.

Of course, that's old news. NEW news is the Game Boy Kingdom Hearts. I know no one saw that one coming. I wonder how well the greatest game to come out of Square since Secret of Mana will fare on Nintendo's little handheld...


I don't know, since I think you might just be alone in your assessment that there hasn't been anything after Secret of Mana worth calling good work (seeing as how you're cutting out FFVI, CT, and FFVII, one of which 99% of people will select as the best RPG of all time). This is one reason I can't just keep doing haiku; there was big freaking news today! For the record, I am deeply skeptical about the potential success of FFVII: Advent Children, at least unless they snag the same caliber of talent for the voice acting, while making sure Hironobu Sakaguchi and his meddlesome "scripting" stay locked safely in a crate, preferably not waterproof, many leagues beneath the ocean waves.

As for KH2, I haven't played the original yet, so I have yet to develop fanboyism. That said, I was a pretty big fan of the original's concept, so it's kind of cool to see Disney and Square continue to make beautiful music together, especially considering all the potential there is for sequels.

And yes, I know that 99% doesn't make it right, but it's probably accurate

Cat on the chair back,
Paw tap-tapping my shoulder:
"You! Pet me, human!"

Good day Andrew,

Responding to Saia's mail about being ignored at the game store. I've heard several stories like it, but it's never happened to me. All the guys (and sometimes gals) I've dealt with have been friendly, if not necessarily up to a certain level of professionalism, then again what can you expect from people who are getting paid less than $10 an hour to deal with jerks and shoplifters all day. One guy chatted with me for several minutes about FFT when I asked about other strategy games I could try.

Yeah, to be honest I was a little bit surprised by it, seeing as how the local EB has a girl behind the counter who seems much more eager to chat about games than her male counterparts, who do their level best to look busy rather than entertaining any conversation (which I guess stands to reason since most guys don't tend to throw themselves at other guys who wander into their place of work). Ah, well. I guess everywhere isn't here, to put it vaguely. Finally, cat based haiku earn you tildes hereabouts: ~

I'm not the outgoing assertive type-A type--this is an understatement. Maybe I stick out, being female, a little older than most of their customers, and not being a mother buying stuff for their kid. Or maybe I've just been lucky, if so I've had an amazing lucky streak, since I've been to at least ten different game stores, in several different areas in the US, in the past year.

Anyway, your suggestion was good, heheheh, but here are some more.

One is to interrupt the clerk's chatter, as loudly as possible, "So, can I order a copy of Eff Eff Ten Two at this joint, or what??" Or the more pointed, "If you're going to ignore me, you don't need my business."

She could ask for her bf's support before going in. If she's blown off, her bf could draw attention to her some way (like put his hand on her shoulder or point at her) and say "This is the one you should be talking to, not me."

She could try a solo run into the store and see what happens.

There's also calling the manager on the phone and complaining, being as specific about date and time as she can. I almost never do this, 'cause I hate ratting on people.

....who, yes, should read RPGamer's news articles in full before embarrassing herself in public. Tch!
....and who played with Barbies and Easy-Bake, but somehow later in life avoided domesticity, plastic surgery and love of the color pink.

Yeah, the whole calling the manager bit also doesn't accomplish much usually, since employees in retail tend to remember unpleasant exchanges vividly enough to backtrack their way out of them with some convincing whining about the customers in question. I know this because it's a tactic I've employed many times, whether to explain why I refused to give my name to this one utter bitch or why I refused to deal with a woman who was swearing at me for no apparent reason other than the fact that she enjoyed exploring the limits of her profane vocabulary.

Incidentally, I didn't mean to be quite so big a jerk about Kami's article ^^;; Forgiveness please!


Hey Andrew,

*glomp* (Sorry, man, that was way too long and incoherent)

What I think is that all video game music composers should start doing their music on a poor hardware system, trying to make a good track first, then just upgrading it to the newer systems, that way, they will make a quality track, rather than the track sucking and being graphically enhanced.

And for all those people who are looking for really good RPG's to play that have been recently released, the games I really enjoyed in order from the best to the ones that weren't as good but I still enjoyed.

Wild Arms 3
Mobile Suit Gundam: Federation vs. Zeon(not an RPG, but a really awesome game, and very long)
Kessen 2
Romance of the Three Kingdoms 7 or 8
Legaia 2
Phantasy Star Online(great for Dreamcast, better for Gamecube as version 2 is a new game in itself on GC)

-andrew- -kupomogli-

I'm not too sure how well that music scheme would work out; I mean, that's like saying Beethoven would have composed better music if you stole his piano and made him write it all with nothing but a Fisher-Price xylophone to inspire him. Granted, a lot of newer music is pretty much just there, but strongly melodic pieces don't have as large a place in video games anymore for the simple reason that things have evolved to the point where they'd kind of sound out of place in quite a few titles. Besides, Kondo, Uematsu, Mitsuda and the rest are still churning out some pretty nice sounds. They're just different.

Incidentally, despite the fact that I glomped your BoF III rant, I will respond to it here by saying that everyone hates it because it deserves hating. If you found it entertaining, that's a bonus for you, but I'm going to agree with the overwhelming majority to which it is anathema.


Greetings Andrew!

I'm not sure if it was exactly African music, but Grandia had some tribal sounding stuff. You know, jungleish music.

Anyways, Have you seen that Kingdom Hearts 2 magazine scan? Am I the only who nearly died seeing Mickey's new look? How'd that happen.. My theory, which also happens to be my Haiku, is:

Danger in the ghetto,
Where the mouse now lives
Mickey must conform

Yeah, My first Haiku ever. It's probably all wrong.

Oh yeah.. I want to see some of that artwork that you have in your sig. picture. Just not all squished and stuff. Do you have a gallery somewhere?

I'ma go chill n stuff with Mickey now.. word.

-Teh Village Eldar

Well, Disney's actually going through the arcane process of "rebranding" Mickey Mouse, which I take to mean "trying to erase all presence in the public mind of his previous incarnations and then inflicting a newer, "hipper" version of him, possibly with a rocket bike". As for the pictures, I have them all on my HD here, but I must warn you: a number of them are the very strange size of 170 x 92, which I will explain away as drunken logic gone horribly wrong. I do have about 25 of the 300 or so images at 1024 x 768, however, so I guess there are some that might be worth passing around. If there's one in particular that you want to see, email me the number of the picture and I'll give you a URL you can see it at.



Bricks to the head hurt
why did I speak so badly?
That's right, I'm An idiot

Yay i got printed! score one for the Kefster! sometimes you just have to let the crazy out yaknow? :)

anyways switching to a more serious, less insane mode, Do you watch any anime? if so what shows?

and are you looking forward to any RPG's in the future? I can't wait till Xenosaga ep 2 and Suikoden 4 even tho i havent played 3 and have only heard about it recently

"Every hour wounds. The last kills"

I don't really watch too much anime, although I do seem to recall soliciting a bunch of series back in August which I should really get around to checking out. Games I am currently dying to play are FFXII, Suikoden IV and that new Tales for the GC, to say nothing of Seiken Densetsu, which I shall be pouncing the second it arrives in stores.


britney's honeydews
bouncing fruits of my desire
where can i get some?

If I knew, do you think I'd be single right now?

will final fantasy x-2 feature tidus auron wakka kimahri and lulu

Will your writing ever feature proper punctuation and capitalization, or do you just enjoy doing violence to the language?

About that African soundtrack - Quest for Glory III had one, but no one's ever heard of that game and it's not a terribly remarkable soundtrack, either. *shrug*


Bow down before me
my haiku are both flawless
and quite creative

Hey! I've heard of QFGIII, and while I never did manage to get past the town, it holds a special place in my heart. Not so special that I remember what the music sounds like, but special.

Has there ever been an RPG where you use a taser as a weapon? I'm sure there are first-person shooters with tasers, but I can't think of any in RPGs.

Roses are red,
Ramen is beige,
I own every game released by Square in the US,
And I have a Gandalf hat.

See, this is one of the biggest problems with this country of ours, and probably that country of yours: people have the time to sit around and ask such questions as this one, which really, when you think about it, have dick-all to do with survival, and certainly very little relevance to life. No, I've never played an RPG with a tazer, and why this would be a good feature is beyond me. Nevertheless, thank you. You've set a new standard in trivia.

If that random person is wanting Guilty Gear, then I'll give them Guilty Gear but don't say I didn't warn them.

All right. The chain is officially on! Expect your first guest-host next Friday.

The Final Grumble:

Apologies for abandoning my haiku scheme, but with such big news as broke today, it's kind of irresponsible of me to keep offering up poorly constructed poetry instead of the real answers one or two of you so dearly crave. In any event, since I'm sure Google will either bleed this topic dry over the weekend or ignore it entirely, let's be beating the dead horse come Wednesday! My question to you is this: Would you have preferred FFVII-2 to Advent Children, and why? I'm tremendously pleased with the letter response the past couple of days, so keep it coming!

At any rate, since you've been so nice to me, I'm going to repay the favour with another super fantastic surprise. This one, however, does not have a definite time frame, other than that it should appear sometime next week. Don't worry, it doesn't have anything to do with changing hosts, just a little something someone is cooking up for me in their spare time.

I hope that was suitably vague ^^. Until next week, may your days be filled with sweet, sweet candy, and your nights with delicious turtles. Oh, and make sure to read Andrew's new feature on the weekend: I hear he recounts a tale of karaoke striptease involving no fewer than four schoolgirls!

Well, okay. I made that part up. Still, that'd be something, now wouldn't it?

Andrew "Dirty old man" Long

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