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Andrew & Rudy- September 2 '03- 00:23 Eastern Standard Time

Well, a mere sixteen minutes after I profess to be starting this column, I begin to type, thus proving once again that I have the attention span of a moth. Actually, moths are pretty good at paying attention, although it doesn't really do them much good in the end. Especially when my cats are in the area, come to think of it; they spend their evenings hunting all the moths that are attracted to my light like moths to flame.

This is naturally bad for the screen window directly beneath it, which is what they use to vault up and carry out their blood sport. Speaking of blood sport, rudy's along, and while I'm not sure whether or not to capitalize his initial, he never does, so I'm fairly sure this will work. Without further ado, then, I give you the founder of gameshopinc, which I have been assured is the worst page in existence!


I'm not sure why Andrew rags on me for the games I like when he's the one that's played entirely through games like Paladin's Quest. In their entirety too and not just a few seconds of them and then vomited in the cartridge. So anyways, yeah I'm just some random person that plays video games. I've played billions of video games in my life but I only like about 10 games. I've also shown up randomly helping out with roundtable a few times in case you recognized my name. I'm also one of the few random people out there that own a harvest moon cow plushie.


And for that you must die. But first, join me in answering these questions.

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First up on today's menu, we have a succulent skeptic

EVERY rpg on EVERY system? Excuse me for being skeptical about that. EXTREMELY skeptical. Nonetheless, the bait has been offered, and I shall bite.

Have you ever played any of Falcom's original games for PC88? For example, the first Dragon Slayer games, Legend of Heroes, and Xanadu, not to mention THE original versions of the first three (slightly better known) Ys games. As it so happens, I'm stuck in Xanadu right now. There are NO FAQs for this game anywhere. I'm in the desert area, at that shrine where there's only blank walls and freakishly hard-to-kill golem things. If you've played EVERY rpg on EVERY system, then what do I do next?

If you can answer this question, then I shall be truly surprised and delighted! If not, then that's OK too, since I didn't expect an answer from anyone (who speaks English). This is really just a wild hope that you actually HAVE played every RPG for every system. If you truly have, then you are my hero, but I'm not counting on it.

Oh, and one more thing, I do mean the part in Xanadu for PC88, not the similar area in the spinoff Kaze no Densetsu Xanadu II for PC Engine (which I HAVE beaten). No tombstones this time to open up secret passageways.

- Justus Johnston, Composer of music, Firebell Inc. ( - Video game music originals and remixes. Get my latest at

I never said I had played every rpg for every system. You see Andrew got my email a bit on the lost side and just made up what he could remember. Anyways, to answer your question, yes I have played those games and I'm a big fan of all of Falcom's stuff. I'm also a big fan of JDK band because of them, but anyways on to helping you get un-lost. If you are where I think you are, you are supposed to wander around until you find the Dragonslayer sword, which I think you have to cross some floating platforms to reach. I don't remember where exactly it is seeing as how I havn't played the game in 6 or 7 years but I think it's near what I guess you could say is the upper left area. Anyways sorry if that doesn't help you any. =|

Rationalizations and shoes on ebay... together at last!

Hey Andrew,

Tornado's coming, we're all going to die. By the way, I live on the east coast, so if I'm not here Friday, then that would mean my power went out, so we'd have to reschedule it for another day, another day when my power finally returns. But seeing as it's not Thursday yet, and when the TV was on one time said the hurricane(not tornado), was going to hit here Thursday, there might be a chance that i'll only have my power out for 24 hours(saying if that it hit exactly at 12AM, and power went out then, and the hurricane left within 24 hours which the power suddenly turns back on at 12AM Friday morning).

Anyways, for the person who wanted to know about General Leo and Tyrano forest, thats where my character was at at the time, which was Tyrano forest. But anyways, after getting every character, that's where I level my characters up with the Bahamut Esper on to raise their HP to 9999, starting with Relm(with the exp egg) alone because she can control and have the enemies kill themselves, and then once her HP is high enough to get 9999 without the Bahamut Esper, bring someone with her and equip the Bahamut Esper on them, and have her equip the Merit Award, Atma Weapon, and Offering, finishing off any Tyrano's in one hit(or Genji Glove, Offering, and two of her most powerful weapons would as well). Anyways, leveling every character from level 17 - level 70+ and and some to 99, would be good enough to get any secret you can get there, and sorry, there are no Gold Dragons, except for a boss, which is the only way you can get the Crusader Esper, and the only dragons you steal anything rare from in the forest are the Brachosaur's which you can steal econimizers off of, or the Tyrano's which you can steal some Imp equipment. So that ends up saying that anything about reviving General Leo is a lie. Also, the fact that phoenix downs don't revive anyone, the allies aren't dead, they're unconscious, close to death, which is what they mean by revive, and why in FF6 and FF7, characters like General Leo and Aerith(Aeris) won't ever come back. Kindof like in hospitals, where sometimes if someone is dead but not technically dead, they can shock them and the persons life will rise above to living, that's what a phoenix down does, which is revive them from being unconscious but not fully dead, and if they're too far gone then it's impossible, like what happened to Aeris(a sword through her chest, yeah, she's gone).

Seems like shifty logic to me, but whatever makes you happy. Personally, I prefer the whole mythological explanation behind Phoenix Down, to say nothing of the whole "wounded/unconscious" versus flat-out "Dead" garbage localizations subject us to. Yes, North American society tends to shunt death out of the spotlight by compartmentalizing it in run-down nursing homes and occasional bursts of good old fashioned violence, but it's not like we'll shrivel up and... die if we're exposed to it.

I'll phoenix your down!

Anyways, if the hurricane hits, and the only shelter is a porta-john, your best luck is not to hide, because I remember on the news someone hid in one, and survived, but what I think is that person must have been really lucky, because I dont know, you could get knocked unconscious if the hurricane knocked it over, and then drown in all that, umm, you know what's in those.

First off you start talking about having a tornado coming then you switch to hurricane. I'm not exactly sure what they taught you in school but there's an obvious difference and you were obviously asleep that day. And I suggest you hide in a port a john in hopes that it does fall over and you get poo all over your body and have to stay in there until the hurricane/tornado leaves. Also the fact that you even brought that idea up suggests that somewhere in the back of your mind you have wanted to hide/live in one and you like to swim in poo.

I'm bidding on 7 items on ebay, and they all end at the same time, do you think bidding at the last minute I could get them all(with a high max bid)?

-andrew- -kupomogli-

Also I'd like to point out that I just won some spiffy shoes on ebay and I plan on wearing them everywhere and all I did was bid $100 and hope no one bid that high either.

Rambling: in style today only!

Let's see,

You said "As a result of the super secret surprise of death, however, you will guest on Friday, rather than Monday." Just to tell you, to a rabid fan who reads everything by said 'secret surprise of death', it really was no longer much of a suprise since around Sundayish...

Wow that actually cause me to write a letter... So I guess I should come up some other thoughts too, ya know?

Hmmm... Disgaea is just hilarious, but I am sad because I don't have money to get FFTA... So! Have you decided on a favorite race or class or anything like that? I just wished I could change classes in Disgaea without having to reset to Level 1, which I find to be tedious... Sigh...

As for obsure games, how about the Persona series? Bad graphics and such but I really enjoy the plot of the first... Also, have you heard of the Snow Queen Quest? It was an alternate storyline for the game revolving around Yuki. I discovered that someone actually discovered that the quest is accessable on the US version(with the evil gameshark) just Atlus it has scrambled text... So my point is do you know of any translations on the side story? I've have looked several times but I do not know of any sites that actually contain a translation... It just makes me sad that they didn't include it in the first place...

Seeing as how I don't understand any part of what you wrote in the first part I'm jus gonna skip that and go on to the Persona part. Yes I have played Persona and yes I have seen the Snow Queen Quest. Basically, you go get this stupid mask and Mrs. Smith takes it from you and puts it on to become the SUPER COOL SNOW QUEEN!!!

DUN DUN DUN yeah, and then you basically run around a frozen school for awhile in search of some people. After that the game continues to go further downhill because, well, that entire game pretty much sucks. As an added bonus, you couldn't save in the Snow Queen Quest which basically amounts to five hours between saves (which isn't even as bad as other parts of the game where you get to wait 20 hours), which basically amounts to the worst game evar. So yeah, I can see why they took out that quest.

Also I think ATLUS is a demon company because it has so many wondrous games but always cut production runs early... I have not been able to even find Persona 2 or Tactics Ogre for sall anywhere around here(note I do not shop online... My family lives in the Dark Ages in that respect...)

Sigh... Have fun with your guest hosts, dood! My, I never noticed how annoying those penguins are...

"Yay! My necromancery actually works!"

Well, thankfully for me, ASV has come to my rescue with his legendary nexus of gaming. In the store he works at alone, there are four copies of precious, precious Disgaea, which is four more copies than can be found in the Greater Toronto Area, which is my current sphere of influence (yes, I'm off the wheat board for now, but I'll get those pinko devils yet...)

Also rudy says "they "sall" persona 2 all over the place and even at the place I work at we have like 2 or 3 copies for like $24.99." He also said to take out the "likes" but he followed it up with a threat to talk about nothing but Rhapsody for the remainder of this column so I had to take steps. Vengeful, vengeful steps. Which is really third-hand revenge, but hey, that sort of thing is immensely popular in some parts of the world, where they've probably lost count at this point, so by political logic I'm as pure as clouds on Sunday.

I could come up with a title for this letter, but then who would save Christmas?

I just got my paycheck (yay! I :heart: money!) and have recently started trying out RPG games on my Playstation 2... I was wondering, Final Fantasy X or Xenosaga... I've heard great things about both, just don't have the money to choose both. Or maybe should I even go old school and try out some RPG's for the PSX? (remember I really haven't tried out much, just looking for a good place to start) Also my roommate has an XBox and we were wondering if there were any decent RPGs for the XBox out... As always Andrew, I find your T&A most appealing... Errr I mean Q&A....

Yours sincerely -- DownWithTheMan

You'd best be liking my T&A... I know rudy does! Anyway, I would go with FFX over Xenosaga, although honestly, I haven't finished XS yet. Still, interactive movies aren't my style, particularly those with such atrocious voice acting as can be found in Xenosaga. Call me crazy, but just once I'd like to be unable to pick out the voices from childhood cartoons and cringe - I mean, do I really want to associate Storm Troopers of Death with the lion from Care Bears?

Oh but the girl that played MOMO was the hotest voice ever because while she may not have been the same voice actor she constantly reminded me of the voice of Roll in Megaman Legends, and while it may not be entirely the same person, Roll in Marvel vs.Capcom was the best character ever in that game because half of the characters punched and kicked way over her head. So in other words, buy Final Fantasy X because it's got a lot more action in it over Xenosaga. Unless all you care about is story like I do, in which case Xenosaga is the way to go for you.

You heard the man... Like Quest 64 already!

Hey Rudy and Andrew,

Jus wanted to ask if there would ever be a Tony Hawk RPG. That would be great! Cause all I would do would be to unequip his armor and run around all day NAKED (TONY HAWK NAKED!!!) killing monsters with wicked 900's! And you could equip different skateboards (though TH doesn't need any other weapon than his "you know what I mean" ;))

Oh, and you like Quest 64 ^_^;;


Of course there is a Tony Hawk RPG. It's called Tony Hawk Underground, only it's not an RPG nor does it have Tony Hawk in it. And there's less removing of clothes and fighting of monsters, and more running from cops and doing various skateboarding tricks. And yes. Tony Hawk is one sexy lady.

Oh, and yes, yes, we all know that Andrew loves and adores Quest 64 seeing as how it is his most favorite game next to Little Princess on the PS One.

See, I think rudy here is confused as to various definitions. For one, he refers to Tony Hawk as a "lady" and to "various skateboarding" as "tricks", which leads me to believe that he has also mixed up "loves" and "hates", which is an understandable error but highly problematic in that I must now destroy him for mentioning the terribility that is Rhapsody.

And yet he never denies not liking Quest 64! MWAHAHA rudyxx = 1 Andrew = 0

Yep, it's Unfit for Print all right

Wow! Night Trap is the best game ever! I play it so much I just die. I like that one guy and the bed. BAM! He goes out the window!! I can't believe he fell for it everytime. I showed the part to my mom once. She laughed a lot. LMAO. The music is really awesome. It sounds like Scooby Doo. Scooby Doo is my favoritist show in da whole world!! Have you played the game Rudy?. I know it's not an rpg, but I thought was funny and kinda scary. lol I really wanted to see the perfect ending to the game. Did you see the perfect ending Rudy? I heard all the girls got this true? OMG LOL. X-box they are huge!!!! lol

Joke or no joke, this letter just shouldn't be. Also, of course Xboxes are huge... anyone who's come within ten light years of one is probably aware of the significant gravitational force they wield, a power as mighty as anything, except of course the power to sell in Japan, where people like their tentacles raping and their video games compact. So I implore you: just don't ever write another word.

Why yes, I have played Night Trap. And yes, it is the best game ever solely because of the guy(s) in the bedroom with the closet that, no matter how many times they try to walk past it, get knocked over onto the nearby bed every single time, which in turn shoots them out the window, resulting in by far the best scene in any video game ever. As far as it having music like Scooby Doo, I don't remember any music in that game. Then again, I don't remember any of Scooby Doo's music, so I guess it works out just the same. As far as the ending goes, I've only seen where you get all but one guy, so I've never actually seen the "perfect ending" but I sure hope that no one gets naked seeing as how they are all about as attractive as Andrew getting crushed by one of these "huge lol" xbox's of yours. Speaking of which: you kind of sound like you recently had one dropped on your cranial area. I hope the doctors are able to recreate your face ok...

Hey, my crushed and leaking corpse is plenty attractive! You take that back!


I hate you forever!

Fine. No Christmas card for you...

If you and rudy had a baby would it look anything like the girl in rhapsody 2?

If rudy and I had a baby it would involve some experimental technology that sounds highly painful and certainly nothing I'd ever care to undergo, but yes, I'm sure he would somehow manage to make it look exactly like her just so that I am eternally spited.

Hey man! What would you say about that Disaage stragy game? Yo know, that one that jus came out? It looks prettty cute with all the anime cahracters. Is it a fun game? I would like very much to buy it, but I dont no what its like, so please help me. tanks!


I think all of your questions can be answered by looking at this awesome screen that I took using my cruddy digital camera.

Just to put this old cow to pasture, there is no room for an item in Final Fantasy 6 to ressurect General Leo. All 255 items have been accounted for, and there are only room for 255 items due to the memory addressing of the game. And, I'm sorry to say, no extra items in the game that are not already in any strategy guide. God bless hexadecimal.


I once read the official strategy guide for Silent Hill on the PSOne and somewhere in there they mentioned a monster hitting me with his "tale". Because I was so hurt by the fact that the monster in fact told me no tale I no longer trust any strategy guide and in turn I don't trust you.

The Final Grumble:

While it has been a pleasure doing whatever it was I just did I'd like to close with a few things. Coronet is so much hotter than Kururu and everyone email Tony Hawk and let him know you can't wait to see him naked in his new RPG coming out for the Phantom next Christmas.

Well, there we have it. We're one step closer to tomorrow's super secret announcement, and to help me usher that in will be our uh... "contest winner", Andrew "kupomogli" Somethingsomething. He seems to have blown through FFTA at a truly phenomenal pace, so feel free to bombard him with questions about that game. There better be some sort of bombarding, at any rate. Else the super secret announcement will have to be a lot more super than it really is to make the column stand up by itself. Which isn't to say it's not a great super secret announcement... Or is it?

Who can tell... I could go on back and forth for another ten paragraphs, but I suspect there are other corners of this here interweb that are sending their siren's song directly into your soul, so I guess now is as good a time as any to loosen the thumbscrews and let you go for another evening. Thank you, come again!

Andrew "Secretive" Long

Okay, I'll tell you. Blank is blanking to blank the blank. Happy?

rudy "No subtitle for you!" xx

Andrew Duff will you marry me? ~rudyxx

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