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Andrew Long- September 7 '03- 23:40 Eastern Standard Time

I would have thought that with my propensity for going on at length to start off columns, there would have been a certain unwillingness to create a situation whereby that would be necessary, but lo and behold - I have exactly five letters, one of which makes sense. As a result, I guess I'm going to have to create some sort of object lesson whereby a gentle reminder of why I should never be given cause to go on at length is imparted, and heck, maybe we'll all learn something or other, although that seems unlikely.

On that note then, I was mugged last night. It was oh, about three in the morning and my friends and I had made the deadly mistake of combining various quantities of liquid entertainment with Chinese food. This is no knock against the Chinese food, of course - Kom Jug Yuen is quite possibly the best greasy spoon in the world when it comes to Chinese food, and if you don't believe me, they even have a sign out front that says: "Best Bar B-Q Pork in North America" and it's on a sign so it must be true.

Best in North America or not, no restaurant has managed to prevent the dark side of interaction between delicious, delicious meat and sweet, sweet beer, and so naturally, by the time we hit this school about two blocks south of my house, my friend, already in dangerous condition as a result of his all-you-can-eat sushi adventures one night prior (along with various other fun things like jet lag and schedule 1 smuggling operations from Africa that somehow worked,) came down with a bad case of what I shall euphemistically refer to as "puking his guts up."

So as he was staggering back to his feet in quite a daze, around the corner burst two scraggly young lads, one with a bandanna wrapped around his face, the other looking very nervous about the whole situation. Bandannarama was carrying a cap gun, but since it was late and I was aggressively inattentive to the fact (among others) that most guns tend not to be one-piece black molded plastic, I didn't catch on to this fact until afterwards. Anyhow, after an exchange of pleasantries, they demanded all our money.

Now, being an alleged college student, I don't tend to walk around with wads of cash in my wallet, and this night was a particularly extreme example: as Cap-Gun Harry jabbed my friend in a vaguely homoerotic fashion, I regretfully informed the nervous dude that none of us had any money (which was true, sadly enough; I'd spent my last 29 bucks on the meal, since my deadbeat friends had no cash on them), but since I felt for him and his terrible skills at robbery, I did offer him my wallet. Instead he demanded I drop my pants.

So who was I to argue? I had nice thick boxers on so it wasn't like my dignity was going to be too terribly compromised (and besides, my friends were both horribly drunk, so it wasn't like they remembered). So nervous dude looks at me for a minute, glances at his accomplice and says, depending on whether you take my friend's version or my own, "Cmon buddy, Let me see your Johnson" or "Good God buddy, I don't want to see your Johnson..." He also told me to open my own wallet, possibly clueing into the fact that if he took my wallet he would be committing an actual crime instead of just a stupid one.

At this point Bandanna Pete decided it was time to cut losses and run the hell away, and so, after demanding to know if we were laughing at them, which we piously claimed we weren't (however hard it was to keep a straight face a few mildly threatening glares were thrown in our general direction, and they then hopped on their neatly concealed bikes and took off, possibly to rehearse the details of their crime more thoroughly. Did you catch that part? Bikes. The fact that I didn't see those originally makes me terribly irritated, because it would have made me terribly more violent. So yeah. I guess what I've learned is that if there's three of you versus two idiots on bikes, you should probably punch them in the brain because capguns don't do too much damage. Sadly, it took me a very bitter walk home to learn this lesson, and I'm still mostly glad I erred on the side of caution, which is to say horrible weinerness.

So just think. If you'd sent me letters, you would have been spared that awful anecdote. Hopefully this will serve as a lesson for tomorrow, because while I had a busy weekend, none of my other stories are particularly worth sharing, and I'd hate to make you sit through an eight-paragraph exposition on how much fun it is to go to a "patio" is surrounded on all sides by the garbage dumpsters of its neighbours because really that's about all the story I have, and think of how terrible that would be if I had to stretch it out.

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All Families are Dysfunctional, by Douglas Coupland
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Daily Randomblings with that other Andrew guy

Hey Andrew,

First of all, before I go on about games, there was that one guy that didn't like Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis. I own all of the Ogre Battle Saga except for Ogre Battle March of the Black Queen(and if anyone wants to sell it to me I'd be happy to purchase it). But anyways, when I bought Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis, it was from Gamestop.com, because it wasn't in the stores at the time, and it had a defect, and no damage took off more than 60 unless it was on a really weak enemy(even at the end, which isn't right because I played it on a ROM right when I ordered it, just to see what it was like, and got to where you find Saia right before the end of the game). So, when Babbages got a new shipment of them I asked since my game had a defect in it could I trade it in for another Tactics Ogre, and what pissed me off, was that they were like, "we can't do that since you didn't purchase it from this store, you purchased it online," when I had the receipt and everything because it came in the package, it was one of those printed receipts on paper. So, since Gamestop.com didn't have an email you could email(or just the fact that I couldn't find one on that site), I emailed Atlus, and they said they could try to fix it, so I sent it there and when I got it back, it still had the defect, so I just quit playing it on the GBA and played it on an emulator instead.

But the question I want to ask, is that if there is anyone that doesn't like Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis, and you want to sell it, I'll negotiate for an amount, as long as the game doesn't have a defect(so if you want to sell it my emails kupomogli@hotmail.com, and make sure you put the subject in big letters TACTICS OGRE, so I don't delete it as junk).

But anyways, you sure did pick a really great time to ask what games are we looking forward to come out. I own Disgaea, and I've already beaten it 4 days ago, although I'm still not finished with it because I haven't did the side quests they have. Like the Alternate Netherworld, Earth, or the Trial of Ordeals. I also haven't gotten all the classes either, so I'm going to try and get all of them, especially one class that looks awesome(really awesome, in fact, really really awesome), which is the Majin class(which isn't only awesome, but powerful).

But, even though I'm sortof looking forward to it, sortof thinking it's going to suck since looking at the recent games Squaresoft has made like; Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy X, Unlimited SaGa, The Bouncer, and Driving Emotion Type S(or I think that's how it's spelled) sucked very badly, with everyone of the games having extremely boring and repetitive gameplay(We're talking about nothing but attacking throughout the entire game gameplay here, because none of the abilities in any of these games are worth anything except with the exception of the Cure spells, and the Black magic that you had to use against elements in FFX and in Kingdom Hearts to get past a few bosses, but other than that, same thing the entire game. Attack, attack, attack, attack, oh and wait, change characters, and attack).

But even so, I only judge games after I play them, so I'm hoping FFTactics Advance will be good. If it's not any good, I'll just finish replaying Legaia 2, and then wait until something good comes out(and FFTactics Advance will be out in stores in 31 hours).

Also, when I emailed Andrew and told him when my parents never got me anything, it was in past tense, and he posted like he thought it was present tense, I mean, how would I be getting FFTA and already own Disgaea if I don't work, but the fact is, I still do live with my parents(I'm only 19, so who cares), and man, my parents. AND THEY MAKE ME PAY 200 DOLLARS A MONTH, AND I'VE BEEN FIRED FOR 2 MONTHS AND I STILL HAVE TO PAY 200 DOLLARS MONTH(I'm glad I never use any of my money, I still have enough to last me 5 more months, so, I hope I can find a job before then).

Also, anyone who wants to sell their Tactics Ogre: Knight of Lodis(or trade for a defective one, just kidding, I don't think anyone wants a defective copy) just email to kupomogli@hotmail.com with TACTICS OGRE as your subject.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

Andrew:
I'm very frightened by the fact that you'd rather play Legaia 2 over any other game at all, but I suppose everyone has their opinions. Like me: FFX may have involved a boatload of attacking, but I would contend that a number of abilities were pretty handy as well. To me, the best part of the gameplay was in advancing my characters anyway, not so much the fighting, which I still found to be vastly more enjoyable than FFIX's enjoyable seven second delay-it's not turn-based-really,no-honest battle system. That doesn't, I suppose, really make FFX's battle system any better, but I am in the minority in my love for FFX, so I have to use stretchy logic where I can.

Also: get a job! ^_^

 
Did somebody say Unfit for Print?

austins the name spammins mAh game you mess wit da 47 man, pshh you aint g0t n0 plan step t0 mah elite mailin skillz, joo best head to da hillzzzzz when 47 gets j00 ya best call up yah crew, or imma come rat -ta -tat tat 0n y0 punk azzz with MAH GAT!

Andrew:
"Imma" is another one of those terms my linguistics prof got hot and bothered about. This may have been enticing in other circumstances, but regrettably she was four feet tall and looked rather like a motherly elf. This, needless to say, was disturbing, especially since my fuzzy memory has now confused her with the library assistant from my high school, who was three feet tall, had gorilla arms, and was quite possibly the most evil person on earth. Yes, I could certainly have used some front lines of freedom in my library back then to help me defeat her menace, but I guess I'll have to settle for wishing death upon the man who coined that term.

Quickies

Give me the Yummies, or face the improbable death of junk mail!

Hmm... I find it highly discouraging that a third of my mail today (I forwarded one) was addressed to the other Andrew. I mean come on - he even put my name in the mailto! Ah, well, I knew what I was getting into when I decided to sow confusion ^_^

I think I will be waiting by the corner of the street 'till someone accidentally hit his head on my baseball bat, I hope that person will have about 50 $ in his pocket so I can buy FINAL FANTASY TACTICS ADVANCE.

Darkcore69

So... the truth comes out. You're the one that mugged me, eh? Well I'll have you know that interweb authorities have been dispatched to eat your modem and steal all your data packets, so I shall have my revenge yet!

Hello, I was just wondering if you know anything about the remakes for Final Fantasy 8.

And so, balance in the universe was restored. On that note: NO! Stop asking! We'll tell you if Square says anything about them. There, that should buy me a few months...



The Final Grumble:

So yeah. Letters, eh? And I mean that in the Canadian way, not the Simpsons way, where it would suggest I have a bunch that I'm itching to open. I mean it like "so send me some, or I'll release a polar bear into your backyard and leave a trail of dead fish leading to your PS2, which I will smear with seal guts." And remember- nothing gets out seal guts, so send in letters, giving careful mind to the topic of yesterday which I'm going to extend due to mass deadbeatism.

Andrew "All emptiness and no letters makes me somethingsomething" Long

Go crazy? Don't mind if I do! BLAHHHHHHHH! BLAH!!!!!

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