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Andrew Dangerous- September 2 '03- 23:53 Eastern Standard Time

It's a mean life, up here in the booze mines of Northern Alberta. If there's a bear, there's ten bears, and they all have little cubs that dance around and eat your provisions as ya try desperately to scrabble your way deeper into the mines where the crippling air, saturated with liquor, is enough to drive any man drunk. Yes, I've seen it all in this crazy town - the booze, the women, the player pianos, the gunfights at high noon in the abandoned quarry - and still I press on in search of the elusive Jade Whiskey.

It's not easy being me, what with the degenerative pulmonary conditions and general malaise, but it is dangerous, and baby, that's what I'm all about. As I sit here, using my magical scroll of + 3 to email prescience so as to answer your many questions, I can't help but feel like I'm making the world a better place. Then I remember the six adorable cubs I trapped and sold to poachers and realize that probably, I'm just trying to make ends meet between cartons of Laramie Extra Tar.

Still, it's not every day that I get to prove I'm no figment of that other guy's imagination, and this booze is makin' me real talkative and friendly, so let's get cracking. There's only three hours to dawn, and I think I've got an elite squad of death mounties on my tail, so finding this here Jade Whiskey's gonna take all the skills I've got. Which is why I can't sleep, I have to remain alert. Alert and awake and alert and damn.. I really don't feel so good. Well, time to go get reacquainted with my old drinkin' buddy, the tactical vomit...

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Final Fantasy X? Sounds fishy, and probably full of spoilers...

O' Great Castomel

With your experience in FFX, I figured that no one was better to answer this question better than you, Andrew, being as though you are still my hero.

On to my question! In FFX, Tidus is transported to Spira via Sin/Jecht. (Since Auron asked it if it was sure before lifting Tidus into the vortex.) If so, then how did Jecht travel back 1,000 years? How did Auron travel to Zanarkand after Braska and Jecht's defeat of Sin in the future? (Auron was a warrior monk, so he grew up on Spira) More importantly, how did Jecht get to Spira in the first place if Sin first appeared the day it destroyed Zanarkand? Many unanswered questions that you probably don't have the answers to, but I would just like your views and ideas, nothing 100%.

Now that I think about it...I'm thinking it was all the acts of the Fayths. Yes, those mischevious little devils. I would still like to hear your views on the matters though, I'm still curious. Ah well, I hope the Jehova Witnesses don't bug you too much to the point you need to get out the Windex to clean up a rather gruesome murder scene... Wooo! A Christmas that Cortney can't ruin!! As always, stay cool, and give my best wishes to Andrew Dangerous!

Til' next time my friend, O' Shrouded One

Andrew Dangerous:
No need... Andrew Dangerous is takin' your best wishes personally. As fer all that Final Fantasy X business, maybe it's just the booze talkin', but that Yuna iss one shexy lady, let me tell you. An' besides, it's a video game - the time travel doesn't have to make much sense, although if you think about it, Auron can go cuz he's dead, and Zanarkand exists only as memory anyway so the Fayth, if that is indeed what called Jecht and Tidus into being, can do whatever the heck they want, whenever they want. Like me - you live the life of danger, there's some benefits, baby.

Time for a hoedown!! Yeeeeehaw!

I didn't understand your "sidekick game" topic from yesterday until I read the tetris letter... now I know exactly what to write!

The game I always play if I get sick of RPGs is the ever-great and ever-quirky Gitaroo Man. There is no other game that leaves me with thumbs as sore as they are after a good Gitaroo Man game. I still haven't beaten it on master mode; the dreaded San Bone Trio has a habit of annihilating me. But I still love it, seeing as difficult games that are difficult for a GOOD reason are hard to come by, and those are kinds of games I love. It also has REALLY great Music; Legendary Theme, Flying to your heart and Ressurection are all some of my favorites. It's more fun than DDR; I am praying that it will get a sequel (so I can have more trippy songs), even though that doesn't seem all too likely because NO ONE BUYS IT. And that's all I have to say about that.

And just a suggestion, maybe people would have sent you more e-mails had they understood your topic. I'm not criticizing you or anything, but the topic prompt sure as hell confused ME.

~Himizujin Eternia

Andrew Dangerous:
As a triple-certified sawdust technician, I'm great with a banjo myself, although I have been known to pluck away on one of them guitars as well. I think I gots ISO-9001 trainin', whichever one is the worthless one that all the toxic waste companies put on their billboards, so naturally I could fit right in on that movie with the guy who shoots stuff with his guitar case.

As for the confusion? Well, I always warned that kid about the dangers of using the crazy talk he does. Why, if he were to take one of those whacked-out online psychological tests, I'd wager dollars to donuts he'd rate "schizoid" or somethin', which they basically define as "a normal person, but here's some made-up condition you can brag about to your online friends,to say nothing of how it'll make you feel like King Cool!" So yeah, in hindsight that sounds about 20/20, but I can't really see anything right 'bout now, so maybe we should all just sit down.

So, think ya know everything, do ya?

Zero Wing! overused.

By the way, this weekend I have discovered that general weekends are only 2 days for a reason. I though Mondays after drinking all weekend were bad...this morning is most definately worser. All due to the beast. And out of curiosity, how was your weekend?


Andrew Dangerous:
No dice, pally. Zero Wing's where that quote is from, right enough, but not the particular version this here site is looking for. Personally I'd say screw it and give you one of these here tildes, but all I can offer you is some sour mash coal whiskey, 180 proof, and judging from yer letter, that's the last thing ya need.

My weekend was an exciting adventure - after oxygen tent therapy on Friday I killed two player pianos at point-blank range with a sawed-off pickaxe in a deadly duel, and then hid the remains in a cave. I then went deep into the mountains and found me some rum caverns, which, while not containing anything nearly as potent as the Jaded Whiskey I seek, was nonetheless quite the find. With my profits I was able to buy me a new lung off the black market, which should last me until Tuesday when the anti-rejection drugs wear off.

Only Peter I know is Peter Monocle, an honest-ta-goodness haberdasher..

Please work in a Peter the Great tangent! He's a fascinating character, and one of the most (if not THE most) interesting tsars out of Russia's colorful history.

It's strange that you mentioned him, too, since I just started rereading Massie's exceptional biography on the man last night. If you haven't read it, do yourself a favor and pick it up, and you'll be well rewarded for the experience. I know it's cliché, but it really is a biography that reads like a novel.


Andrew Dangerous:
I don't do much readin', but I guess that there book sounds okay. I dunno what you're talkin' about tangents for though... That math business always went right over my head, which is why I work in a sawdust factory when I'm not fightin' the good fight.

Takin' advantage of old ladies just ain't nice, folks

Hey Castomel,

Only five letters eh? well no doubt by saying that you'll get 50 letters today. maybe everyone's on strike cause alethea had to leave? Oh well it was fun while it lasted. I too have had my encounters with the Jehovah's Witnesses. I can remember on several occasions waking up in the early morning hours ,which i normally sleep through, to two old ladies knocking on my door. and keeping me up for two hours talking about a bunch of stuff i forgot... All i did was nod my head the whole time, and they just kept talking. eventually they gave me a magazine and left and i went to sleep. After that when they came again my step-sisters dad was visiting. he's a real funny guy, he told them we were all pagans and promptly got rid of them i wish i could remember everything he said it was hilarious. They never came back though... As for a question or two, how does everything work at rpgamer as far as interaction between staff? and what is your favorite part of FF6 and why? By the way spell check doesn't like your name either... it wants to call you customer.


Andrew Dangerous:
Now let's just get one thing straight - my buddy Rafe is a Jehovah's Witness and he and I get on just fine. Sure, he doesn't technically celebrate all the same holidays, and he did almost die from blood loss this one time when a thresher caught him right in the neck, but as we all know, the neck is the best part so he was all right in the end. In fact, with that kind of injury, there pretty much hadda be a higher power at work so maybe he's on to something.

Anyhow, the good folks at RPGamer get along pretty good for the most part. There is the occasional ruckus, but most of the time people realize it's IRC, and heck, even using this magic scroll I can tell ya that winnin' arguments on the internet don't count for much.

And that spell check is right - I'm one tough customer, as long as I'm in a pure oxygen environment. Oh, n' muh favorite part of Final Fantasy VI is the split scenarios, cuz it just seemed cool the first time I saw it, and besides, rafts are the only way to travel.

Hey, if I wanted psychic friends I'd call Ms. Cleo! What ever happened to her, anyway...

Having to wait around half a year for FFTA to be translated (no game should take that long to be translated, damn you Soul Calibur 2!), I needed to get my Strategy RPG fix, so I figured I'd pick up Tactics Ogre : Knights of Lodis. Hey, it looked like FFT, so it must be good right? Does anyone else besides me find this game to horribly suck? The story is mind bogglingly pathetic; the developers obviously take pleasure in confusing the player with ten thousand generic names of kingdoms and rulers and deviant factions, tied together in no apparent fashion. Battles require no thinking, as you could not only easily outmaneuver the horrible enemy AI, but set the game to automatic practice mode, leave it on for a few hours, and come back to find all your characters twenty levels higher than they were before. Add to that a senseless "Badge" class-change system and some pretty bad dialogue, and we've got ourselves one terrible game...

I wonder if I'll get blasted or agreed with for this? Well, that's only applicable to Andrew, because Andrew Dangerous will obviously blast me no matter what I say. But that's all right. I needed a lesson in humility anyway.

- Feep "98 Wins and 0 Losses yesterday in Soul Calibur 2"

Andrew Dangerous:
Now how the heck did you know I was gonna be doin' this? Well, it doesn't matter, I'm all bark 'n no bite, so yer blastin' fears are silly. Let's remember, though, that it's actual as FFT looks a whole lot like Tactics Ogre, since if ya wanna get all technical-like that's the one as was made first, and by the same bunch o' folks no less. And I'm pretty sure when I played through FFT during the long cold nights in the abandoned sawdust mill where I had to double-shift as security, I remember the story being pretty incoherent too. This don't excuse TO: KoL o' course, but difficult T-RPGs tend ta end up on the junk heap, like all the valuable sawdust people jus' throw away. I give TO: KoL two thumbs up, cuz it's fun to play around with, even if it's not all that hard. It makes a keen flashlight too, let me tell you that. When I got trapped in a vodka deposit the other day, the only thing that saved me was my GBA.

Geez, you kids are gonna get me in trouble if ya keep bringing up this religion stuff


Sorry if I was confusing. That other guy put Tactics Ogre(Let Us Cling Together) at the very end of his list, so I counted it fourth. Anyway that was one I refering to. Tactics Ogre Advanced is also pretty good, but it tends to be on the easy side, and somehow I didn't find the storyline quite as engaging.

Anyway, you'd put Jehovah's Witnesses higher than Scientologists on the list of religions you'd never join? At least the Witnesses won't charge you thousands of dollars to find out what they're all about.

"Hey Puppet Pal Paul Atreides, do you know what I have in this box?"
"No I do not, Puppet Pal Reverend Mother Gaius Helena Moheim."
"Pain, and a bonk on the head."
Dune - Puppet Pal Edition

Andrew Dangerous:
Sure I would.. Higher means "less seemingly insane" in my books, as it does with that kid who always idolizes me and claims to be my alter-ego. By the by, looks like Feep there agrees with yer assessment of TO:KoL, so now you's can be twins. Speaking of twins, you should see these girls back in town...

Terrible really does mean terrible, ya know -also, Russian History Spoilers

Dear Andrew 'the Terrible',

Now is this terrible in the bad meaning or terrible in the Ivan the terrible way? ( read: Awe-inspiring, if I recall my russian history right.) Do I get points for working in Russian Myths?

Andrew Dangerous:
Not that I'm a big fan of Commie Pinkos, but Ivan the Terrible was just that. He had the odd flash of rational rulin', but beyond that, he lived up ta his name, murderin' babies and townsfolk and his family and goin' crazy as a loon and a whole bunch o' other junk. That's what ya get when yuh make a three-year old tsar.

Why is it Norse/Geek myths are always the ones getting raped... I mean used for Games/Comics/Books? I can't think of anything based solely on Celtic myths off hand. And no, Succubii alone don't count.

How dare you be anti-guide, does that mean I have to kill you now? With my being the head of guides and all. To shame, I rather liked you and your column.

Oh well, you can live.... for now.

TRC <Anti-Feminism cut >

:D, What me cause trouble?

Andrew Dangerous:
Sounds like it to me. And anyway, I got nothin' against FAQs. I mean, especially if you consider this here treasure map like an FAQ for this here vein of Sambuca. Heck, if I hadn't been warned, I woulda gone up in flames when I lit muh pipe. A merry fireball to be sure, but I sure won't do no American heroing if I get vaporized.

Inside jokes means I gots no clue

Heyo, Castomel. How goes Ogre Battle? </ inside joke> Anyhoo, since it's 'Celtic Wednesday' and the floor is open to all sorts of wacky stuff, I feel that I should make a public service announcement (and simultaneously test your PS2-repulsing mettle) by saying that Disgaea is 'the shiznit'.

I've also given extremely arduous thought to the subject of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance. I know it rocks. You know it rocks (because your super-telepathic powers can delve into the minds of anyone who has played it). And practically everyone else that has played it thinks it rocks. My question is: do you think people will be disappointed with it as compared to its predecessor? And do you think it's going to be a system seller for the GBA (as if it really needed any more)?

One last thing. I don't generally like to publicly agree with Penny-Arcade just because they represent 'geek culture' to some extent, but their comic about Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles is so true that they appear to have tapped the very living ley lines of the cosmos. </ 8-Bit Theater Quote>

Anyhow... Peace my news / Q&A brother!


Andrew Dangerous:
And don't forget evil doppelganger. Pistols at the sixes my friend. Pistols at the sixes, up here in the AK Corral. Duels aside fer the moment, it's a pretty sure bet people will be fixin' ta be disappointed with FFTA, just like those people who declare FFVII is the worst game in the series because they're that discriminatin'. Fortunately, bunches o' other people'll buy GBAs and from what I've seen 'n heard, the game's gonna be pretty keen.


So... what makes that Peter fellow so Great anyway?
-Red Raven

Well AL's otherwise occupied, but the way I hear it, he tried to modernize Russia, was seven feet tall if he was an inch, and used ta run war games on palace grounds usin' all his staff as soldiers. Trouble was he was so robust they usually had trouble restrainin' him. On the downside, he died in his fifties cuz he was a little too big. This is hearsay, of course, but then, first year was a long time ago. Also, he had the intermittent craziness troubles that seemed to plague Russian rulers in those days. Yep, it's time to go learn me some readin' and get that book so I can refresh my memory some. My granpappy's tales jes ain't as clear as they used ta be.

Andrew etc,

It's raining here, that's good. It makes waking up tomorrow better for some reason. Don't you love senile teachers. Half of my teachers this year are insane/senile. It's gonna be an interesting year at least. I promise that no matter what the cost I will keep up the good news fight! I'm still wondering at my Chemistry lesson today, he had South Park sound effects in the Power Point presentation...Math teacher rambled incoherently and then realized he was talking much too fast when HE couldn't even remember what he was saying...English teacher is most definitely senile, but its the good kind, he's a good teacher, you just have to deal with some oddities like his ever-willingness to give away anything that's not tied down. Today I scored two plastic bags and a little short story book. Hehe...

Little longer than I thought, but oh well. Hope you get more letter today, I guess.

-Orie "Broken Sword" House

P.S. I don't really need a PS, but its tradition bound.

Ya said quickie, and quickie ya get. See, my favorite teacher was muh history teacher, in grade 12. He described Russia vs. Germany in WWI as follows: "Like a big 300 pound stoopid guy… fightin some real quick 170 pound guy… like bam bam pow, like wooooh, man, stop it, stop it, like he’s got a big log and the other guy’s got like, a toothpick." Now that's eloquence.

The quote's from Zero Wing. Gimme a tilde.
P.S. Too easy. Gimme more tildes.

No dice. And I know - This ain't over.

Hello, I was just wondering if you know anything about the remakes for Final Fantasy 8.

On hold indefinitely, which you should take to mean as "never going to happen in a pig's eye."

The Final Grumble:

Well anyway, duty calls and I still haven't found me the Jade Whiskey, so I guess this is where we say goodbye. This here stupid scroll ain't reactin' too well to alcohol anyway, and I think it's tryin' ta hit on Still, there is a bright side: as my teacher says, "The Old West did not have 50 feet of mud and crazy Germans!” and neither does this here west. So until my next anecdotal appearance, take it easy, and take heart: the REAL Andrew D is back this weekend!

Hmm, I suppose we could use a topic. As such, tell me: what game or games are you most looking forward to in the upcoming weeks? Damn...I seem to have blurred the line between real and alter ego... Or at least, that'd be the case if my attempts at whatever sort of accent that was supposed to be were a little more credible. Anyhow, let nobody say that I'm not deeply schizophrenic. Oh, and the history teacher is mine. MINE, I tells you!

Andrew "You got a friend with Jesus.. and me too" Long

Yes... Three quotes from my history teacher in one update... now that's planning!

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