|| Ask Andrew
Oh, Doctor... It's Sobig!
Andrew - August 24 '03- 18:46 Eastern Standard Time
Once upon a time in the magical land of Interweb, there was a l33t hax0r. This l33t hax0r thought it would be a fun and productive and creative and a generally all right thing to make a virus, and so one day, the l33t hax0r, who we shall call fux0r, crafted his very own special virus named Sobig C. Fux0r had created two previous Sobig viruses, and each had spread love and happiness throughout the Interweb's email inboxes, and so it was that everyone was looking forward to the third Sobig with eager anticipation.
Unfortunately, there was one sad little man who did not enjoy the constant inundation of his email inbox with mail titled "Mail Delivery Failure Notification Status" to the tune of six thousand an hour. That person, my friends, is me, and I will now eat you all like the pustulant ogre that I am.
Anyway, as this enlightening fable may have hinted at, I got a hundred or so emails over the weekend which served no other purpose than to clutter my inbox horribly. While I wasn't here to enjoy it in person, rest assured that each and every one of you that has me in their address book should die painfully and then roast on the coals of infernity for an undisclosed length of time.
Happily, while most of you toast, a column shall appear, since a few people did manage to defeat the dragons of stupidly opening attachments and send me real email. To them I say: Cheese tastes really good when you stick it in sausages.
Taking things too seriously, are we?
"Are you suggesting he would get down and dirty with Sephy? I mean, if you think about it, that'd be like doing yourself, since they were clones from the same block of cells. I can only imagine what the Pope would say about hot clone sex..."
Cloud was a human infused with Mako and Jenova cells. That is what is meant by "clone" in the game. Sephiroth's mother, Lucretia, was injected with Jenova cells while pregnant with Sephiroth. Cloud and Sephiroth do not have the same genetic makeup since they have different biological parents. The Jenova cells just serve as an enhancement. If you and I were both injected with donkey cells that would not make us clones of one another. So I guess what I'm saying is that the Pope wouldn't be able to say anything about hot clone sex in a sexual encounter between Cloud and Sephiroth...
On a side note, Cloud did not kill Sephiroth at the Mako reactor in Nibelheim. When Sephiroth was thrown over the edge he was thrown into the Lifestream. He then floated around a bit until eventually making it to "The Promised Land" where Cloud and party eventually find him. The Sephiroth you see all throughout the game is a projection of Sephiroth's will. I just thought I'd throw that in there because people never pay attention when they play this game, and that makes me a sad panda.
Fine, so it's downgraded to stepbrother incest, or whatever the convolution you've so heroically explained for all us Philistines qualifies as. I'm still fairly certain the Pope would disapprove, projection or no projection, but then again, the Pope's opinion just doesn't get the respect it used to, so I guess clone or no clone Sephiroth and Cloud would probably just thumb their uh... noses at him and then continue on their merry way. And now, let us never speak of this again.
I keep trying to suppress this letter but it just won't stay down
So I was trying to avoid sending you another letter,
but you leave me no choice. Have you noticed you've
been screwing up the titles? Yeah, those things at
the top of the browser window, they're wrong.
[The other day] is said August 13th and the day before that
it said the 12th. How could you do such a thing?
Were you drinking?
Drinking? Me? Never. I swore off the ol' firewater after this incident last year which involved a Jeep and a 400-kilometre drive that ended in cacti or disaster, I forget which. It wasn't quite a Fear and Loathing-calibre adventure, but then, I'm not so sure I'd handle an ether binge terribly well, so that's probably a good thing. Anyway, remember: drinking and driving saves lives. Unless that's my beer-addled brain about to get me in trouble with MADD...
As far as the topic at hand, I think we can safely say
that the newest versions of both aren't very good.
But I'll be honest and tell you most of the Star Wars
movies tend to put me to sleep. However Ewoks will
rule the world someday, of this I am sure. And Galaxy
Quest is one of the greatest movies ever made.
I wonder if anyone else has caught on to your
"subliminal messaging"...I won't say more, I'd rather
wait and see if anyone else is quick on the uptake.
I'd be interested in hearing more about that
application, though. Was that person drunk? Isn't it
nice how we can blame everything on alcohol?
I swear, I'll never drink another touch! In Soviet Russia, vodka drinks you!
I just thought I'd warn you, if you hadn't caught on
yet. Remember the Buttertart squirrels? They're
SPIES! SPIES! sent by Lord Karl. You should not have
allowed them such close proximity with yourself. You
should have taken their lives right there. I saw one
today too, he was watching me. We must stamp out this
threat together. Let us form a rag-tag team of
adventurers who combine forces to stop an evil
squirrel-army and discover what drives our own
lives.......yeah.....or we could just nuke em' and
When will you people learn? Squirrel armies aren't wacky! They're evil and twisted, like Dick Clark (at least, if that fat documentary guy can be believed, which he sure gives the impression is the case).
Next is an Anime question, kind of an odd one, but an
Anime question all the same. Have you ever seen Night
on the Galactic Railroad? Or read the book? (probably
differently named, mine's Night of the Milky Way
Railway). It's a very interesting movie/book, that is
just...well it is what it is.
Do you have swamps up there in Canada?
A quick lesson in forestry: beavers usually cause swamps. As Canada was explored thanks to the tendency of Reformation Europeans to love wearing smelly little beaver pelts when they were taking much-needed breaks from killing each other over the colour of God's sweatpants, I can say with reasonable certainty that there are beavers hereabouts, leading me to the further conclusion that we do in fact possess swamps of some description.
Failing that shining logic, I could just drive ten minutes down the road and observe one of several quagmires, but I prefer the Albert Einstein approach instead of the Thomas Edison tack, so if you're trying to get me out of my armchair you've got another think coming.
One last question...if you haven't blocked too much of
it from your mind. What was your least favorite
regular enemy in FF2, mine was either the Mythril
Golems, or the Death Riders. I went in there thinking
I was all invicible and they just beat me down,
causing a game over. This is what started my
shameless abuse of the Memo Save...
And if you don't know what EVIL Saturn is about by
now, you don't deserve to.
-Orie "EVIL SATURN" House
P.S. I'm all set with my little decoder ring to find
out tonight's secret message on Little Orphan ANDY!
(Oooo....I must WANT to die.)
And die you shall, if yo ever call me Andy again. My least favorite enemy would have to be those little bastard things that sucked MP from you. Mythril Golems are actually not that bad if you don't waste all your time pumping magic and spend a little time with my good friend Mr. Axe, who incidentally has an appointment with your face for what we like to call "a little of the old smashy-smashy". Remember: Andy is a guy who plays Matlock, not a guy who answers questions.
I wonder how long I can get away with this before a Philosophy Major flames me...
I actually happen to like your long rants. Your sense of humor is
fantastic, and I enjoy picking up on the inside jokes... most of the time.
Using the tendons and skin from various people to wrap packages and string bows
got old was disturbing at best. I did enjoy your rant against philosophy
majors. I have a friend at school who used to major in computer science and
enjoy video games. Now he majors in philosophy and enjoys being deep.
So keep the long rants coming, even if I actually had to use the scroll
button yesterday since my afternoon break was over. :)
All Philosophy majors enjoy being deep - it's all they have, regardless of posters at my school claiming "Just Another Do-Nothing Philosophy Major - John Q. Philosophy, CEO, MegaDynamixInterglobeCorptasticon Ltd." is a success hit wonder. Of course they have those posters for English majors too which gives me some hope that I may someday have a job that doesn't involve flipping burgers, but statistical deviations notwithstanding, Philosophy's only use is in making you see the world differently which can be helpful if you tack it on as a minor to something like Computer Science but is otherwise only helpful in the fine arts of basket weaving and seduction. And come to think of it, that's the same thing so that's a good space-saver on your resumé. Are you writing these hot tips down? I don't do this for my own amusement, you know. Well, at least not strictly for my own amusement.
Fine. It's for my own amusement. I hope you're happy...
Old topics come scrollin' back...
I once pointed out that Ernie Eves looked like the kid from Malcolm in the Middle, I was ridiculed to the extent that I removed myself from the conversation. Oh, the sadness.......I knew I had a kindred spirit on the "Ernie Eves/Kid from Malcolm" front somewhere in the world. I have found redemption.
What was the question again? Oh yeah, Star Wars vs Star Trek. I can't believe that civilized man is still engaged in this debate. Isn't the answer obvious? Although both represent a genre at it's greatest, Star Trek is the clear winner. This is what Star Wars has; a couple of great movies, a couple of ok movies and some reeeeally crappy books. Granted, ahead of it's time, an epic story, blah di blah blah blah.....This is what Star Trek has; a couple great movies, a couple ok movies and a couple of bad movies; A bunch of great books, a bunch of ok books and a bunch of crappy books; Five great series (I'm basing the ranking of "great" on the fact that 3, so far out of five, have run 7 seasons). Plus a detailed history, time line, races, star charts, etc....and very few continuity errors for a project of this magnitude.
Now, step back and take a look at the data we've collected. Although I could go on for several star dates on the subject, this is what I have concluded: Star Trek kicks Star Wars' sorry arse to the Delta Quadrant and back.
.....does this make me a geek? Yes, yes it does. It makes me a geek. A geek, and proud. GEEK AND PROUD!
Geek or not, basing a show's goodness on the length of its run is dubious at best. I mean, Will and Grace has lurched its way through six seasons or whatever so far with its funtastic formula of "crappy joke, gay joke, crappy joke, crappy gay joke, repeat", Friends has dragged on long past any reasonable period of time, The Simpsons have endured three terrible seasons, and heck, Major League Soccer is still desperately trying to find an audience, which is just silly.
Then we have DS9's captain, easily the most irritating actor I've ever had the displeasure of watching. Come on - does everything have to be a power rant delivered in a "meet-the-challenges-of-the-future" emotional growl of unspoken tension and guttural strength and character? And if that isn't bad enough, how about the feather-lighting they use every time that hideous Bjoran woman is onscreen? If you can't show someone on TV without fuzzing out their face, chances are your actor is too damned ugly to be there.
Anyhow, this doesn't even begin to touch on the "books" which I "hate uniformly", but we'll leave those alone for now, since Star Wars has an equally great number of attributable bad points that I don't really have time to get into.
Alrighty, need to get some coolness back to my bad self after that....So, Leaf Boy, running poll......If Cujo were to be picked up once again by the Toronto Maple Leafs (not likely, but people are talkin'), would you welcome him back with open arms, or would you declare him a traitorous slug who should not defile our pristine city of hockey with his tainted skates of goo, putting aside the fact that his talent far exceed that of our current defender of the pipes (Eagle, chuaa...don't. make. me. laugh.) ? Oooooh look, a run on sentence! Squeeee!
I, however, digress. I have never written into Q & A, (I'm a leeeettle shy.....until I get going, then I talk (type?) forever) but the Star Wars vs Star Trek debate is one I can never resist. Call me a sucker for Science Fiction......hee hee, I love alliteration!
-Lovely Lady Lioslaith (Oh lordy, with the alliteration and the alliteration!)
P.S.: To whom can I direct my fanmail for the Squid?
You dare to impugn the fine name of alliteration and then top it off by suggesting that the Leafs pick up the treacherous Cujo once more? Fie, for shame! I declare him a traitorous slug who should not defile our pristine city of hockey with his tainted skates of goo, and his talents do not far exceed Belfour's - hell, he's been injured three times over the past two seasons, once because he was stupid enough to punch a wall out of anger and break his finger (or at least, so goes my crackpot theory). Belfour can last four rounds into the playoffs - Cujo just wilts and lets in crappy overtime goals that make me oh so exultant with vengeful delight. I say let him rot in Detroit while a far better goalie steals the spotlight - it's all he deserves and more. As for me, I'm not bitter... really! And the Squid is on hiatus in Argentina, where it seems he has been captured and sold to a sushi restaurant. On the upside, my alter ego Andrew Dangerous and Folding Tool Heavy Duty have formed a Lame Prop Gag alliance and dashed off to the south to save him, just like in Bad Boys 2. Heck, they even found a disgruntled former CIA agent willing to field your fanmail in Angry Squid's place.
Disgruntled Former CIA Agent:
Yeah, but was my country willing to field my fanmail when I was fighting the Kaiser? No, I spent eight days in that stinking jungle, eating nothing but grubs and snails. And then - then, my own countrymen, the fickle bastards, they had the nerve to vote me off the island! DAMN YOU JEFF PROBST!
Are you insinuating I have some sort of mullet? Because I don't...really!
I like the longer responses and intros. Long columns are hard to read all at a stretch, so I read yours in halves with other things in between. Sometimes I forget to read the second half, but that's my flakiness, not a fault in your column.... I appreciate that you take the time and effort to respond to everybody, even if they're being boring, illiterate or rude.
What RPG I've played recently has made me think? None recently, then again I have a habit of playing the "least desired" stuff in my TBP pile first, for fear of running out of the "good" stuff and having only the "least desired" left. Among recent plays, I can't say DWIII or Wild ARMs have much to say about life besides "Saving the world from evil monsters is good."
Speaking of Wild ARMs, and Suikoden, both of which I've played in the last month, here's my question. Why do RPGs so often not give players enough hints about their next task? Were strat guides/walkthroughs assumed even as of 1996/7, so that a player without one is forced to visit every single city on the planet in the hope that they'll recognize that citizen 7 of village C is giving them a hint through a different canned speech than that citizen gave them 15 hours of gameplay ago? Okay, so it's more of a growl than a question.
I feel your pain, Beth. Why, since this year began, I've played Beyond the Beyond, Rhapsody, Harmony of Dissonance, Legend of Dragoon, Star Ocean 2, and precisely zero good RPGs, aside from Wind Waker, which I'm souring on towards the end as I'm forced to dash to and fro in search of various things that I'd really rather not dash to and fro finding.
I also feel your pain in regards to the whole hints and tips thing. My problem, however, stems from my tendency to not play games for a few days and then come back to utterly forget where I was. Still, you're right when you say that, because there really are some games that are stupid about the whole progression of events - I shall forever reference Chrono Cross and the bloody wall I had to walk through in order to advance, resulting in a delightful 19 hour sojourn through the game world that eliminated any chance of a favourable impression on my part, while simultaneously destroying my FAQ-free record. Yes, if I didn't love Square so much for making Chrono Trigger I'd hate it bitterly for Chrono Cross.
GameCube Advice, Part 1
I saw that you were going to take apart your GameCube in order to mod it for import play.
I implore you not to do so. You don't seem to be a professional electrician, so there is a great chance you could do something you regret.
I have a better idea. There is a company that makes a boot disk for the GameCube and allows import play. It's called the Freeloader and it is awesomely outrageous. It requires no disassembly or soldering and does not destroy anything.
I only hope my message is not too late.
Alas, your letter is far too late and I've already managed to strip a screw on my heatsink. On the upside, I also sent the tattered remnants of my GameCube with my dad to work, where he got some guy to fiddle around with it, so I'm reasonably certain that the job is in capable hands. If it isn't, I'm well aware of the risks I was and am taking.
As for boot disks, let me tell you about boot disks. Back in the day, my mom decided it would be a good idea to go to the flaky IT guy at her pyramid scheme for advice on where to buy our computer. The end result was a cube of plastic death purchased from a place known as "Micro Mart" which specialized in selling "defective junk found at the side of the highway." As such, my computer's RAM count ended at 3978 KB, was constantly being afflicted by "viruses" that were actually just the hard drive failing because of the giant chunk of gravel embedded in its surface, a "vedio card" that chugged through Minesweeper, and all for the unreasonable price of 1700 bucks Canadian, which was back then still around 1200 or 1300 dollars American. Anyhow, I could have had a decent computer and been spared years of heartache, but instead I got the worst computer ever, and as such am intimately familiar with boot disks and all their evil, which is why I will never use one again. Oh, and "Turbo" buttons? Biggest. Sham. Ever.
GameCube Advice Part 2: First Blood
I just about your problems with Crystal Chronicles. Rather than tinkering with
the insides your precious Gamecube you could order a Freeloader disc, or an
Action Replay from liksang.com. These little beauties allow you to play import
games from any region on any machine. I'm stuck in England myself so I use mine
to play Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour mostly at the moment (excellent game), and in
the past in was my door to playing SoA Legends, Zelda Wind Waker, Metroid Prime
and many other games much earlier than they were released here.
Word is that the Freeloader (which is just an import enabler) doesn't work with
some of the later games like F-Zero GX, so you might want to go for the Action
Replay. This has cheat cart functions and so you can put new codes in that
allow these new tricky games to run properly.
Hope that helps.
Oh, I'll throw in a token question. What is your opinion of the Harvest Moon
series? I've only just discovered them in the form of Back to Nature on the PS1,
and I'm addicted. I'm now really looking forward to the Gamecube version if it
I also want to say that you really should check out Wild Arms 3 - it's a vast
improvement over the first two games. The graphics and sound are brilliant and
the gameplay has be fine tuned so it has become one of the best RPG's around for
the PS2. The western theme is really strong this time rather than just
influencing the odd weapon or music in the first game. I'm glad they're
remaking the first one in the style of the third as hopefully this will do the
game the justice it derserves.
Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I've enjoyed all your columns so far, although
they are a bit long.
Well if WA3 does actually embrace the Old West theme rather than just trying it on like so much clothing, then perhaps I should give it a try. Harvest Moon I have yet to discover personally, but any games that come with cow plushies are probably doing something right, so if I ever manage to defeat my backlog, then Harvest Moon shall enter its replacement. Or hey - maybe I'll just integrate it, like one of those functions you see in your calculus textbook. Of course, I was never particularly good at that particular process, so maybe I should just leave it up to someone else and sit here looking smart instead.
GameCube Advice the third
Probably a dozen people will already point this out, but if you need to play imports on a Gamecube, you can get a boot disk called the Freeloader for about 20 bucks. No Gamecube modding required. At all.
Anyway, so long as I am here, I might as well weigh in the Tactics Ogre issue. Have at least one of your Fighter types Lawful. Make him a Ninja. When he's eligible to become a Swordsmaster, make him one. Swordsmasters are not attack monsters like Dragoons, or Terror Knights, but they are defensive masters. They can block or parry nigh everything, even have decent chance of doing so when attacked from behind. And while they can use two swords to attack twice, its best not to, instead, give them one sword, and either a shield or that gauntlet that raises attack power and they're good to go. Later if you so desire, they can become awesome warlocks, since the effectiveness of the warlock's spells are dependant on his dexterity, and swordsmasters' dexterity raises the highest of any class out there. Which is sort've why Haborym is so awesome if equipped with the petrify spell.
"Hey Puppet Pal Paul Atreides, do you know what I have in this box?"
"No I do not, Puppet Pal Reverend Mother Gaius Helena Moheim."
"Pain, and a bonk on the head."
Dune - Puppet Pal Edition
I have to confess, I have a deep-seated Genji Glove complex that compels me to do everything with two hands, from equipping characters to those cool Star Trek punches that Riker and Data always do to making Haschel in LoD shout "Double Punch!" whenever possible to double-fisting beers.
I've been reading the column daily this summer; haven't been able to for the past school year. Have I missed something? I've read all your columns so far and wonder where all these people are coming from that hate your column all of a sudden. I like how one guy knows of all these other people who don't want to hurt your feelings and he knows for sure that so many other people dislike how you are running the column. Right...
Anyway, about regulars not sending in letters. Honestly I haven't seen some of those guys a whole damn lot with the other hosts either so what's his point? I'll admit your replies can be long, but I doubt you will feel hurt knowing that all along I have scrolled past responses and sometimes whole letters!
Anyway, I'm betting you might get more letters like this, or the opposite and you'll get more letters from those people who didn't want to hurt your feelings before. If every Q's and A's guy was the same I would've stopped reading a while ago. Having Goog for so long wasn't bad, but if all the weekend guys or subs were just like him then I wouldn't even bother reading the column daily for all those years.
And just another thing. Way back when I use to send letters all the time. Me not sending letters doesn't mean jack about the job of the person. It just means I have nothing to say or I'm busy. That should be a concept a person with two jobs and a kid should know about.
And this shall be the last letter on this particular topic as well. I think we've come to a few conclusions:
- Some of you like me.
- Some of you hate me.
- Some of your cats' breath smells like cat food.
As this is both deeply profound and highly true, I think we should all take a moment to ruminate on this. Then I will eat you.
Reelin' em in north of the border...
I live in Canada too, eh? Isn't that cool? It really is. Isn't it? I think it's cool. But besides all that, I like your rants at the start of each column. I bet all those people who don't like them just don't get the humour in them, because I find them hilarious. Ha. Ha ha! I haven't even read your next one, but I'm laughing at it beforehand so I can say I laughed at it first. Isn't it funny guys, ha? HAHAHAHA.
So besides all that. I'll admit, I haven't bought an RPG made after 2001. I think the newest RPG I own MUST be Final Fantasy IX. I mean, all I play are RPGs on the PSX and SNES, but truthfully, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything really that big. I mean, sure, I haven't played a single RPG on the PS2, but honestly, I just don't care. Nothing seems to catch my eye as much as anything from an older console.
Am I weird? Am I? Personally I don't think so. I just told myself I wouldn't let graphics sell me my RPGs anymore, and I think it saved me around 400$ to date. Maybe all you people who buy all the new RPGs are the WEIRD ones. Ha. HAHAHAHA.
What if I wrote a really boring intro about the wheat market in Sudan? I bet you'd look like quite the fool, sitting there laughing only to discover a dry and boring agricultural report. Also, you should really check out the GBA, because even if your old-school pretentions remain in full force there's plenty of old-style RPGs kicking around on there to keep you feeling duly superior.
Anyway, I'll cheerfully admit to weirdness, since I'll just be accused of it anyway, but I really don't think that my qualifications stem from the purchase of these newfangled RPGs you find kicking around nowadays. FFX is my second-favorite in the series, and I've heard good things about a fair number of PS2 RPGs. And then there's games like Wind Waker and Skies of Arcadia that I keep hearing about...But hey, if you want to shut yourself in the past, that's your business. Just make sure you emerge into the sunlight for food once in awhile because I'd hate to see you starve to death down there in the past.
In response to the questions posed:
EVA is great when you take it as the "gateway drug" on
your way to even better, more hardcore mind-loving
anime, like Serial Experiments Lain, Key: The Metal
Idol, or Puni Puni Poemi. On its own merits...eh.
It's like all that dead-WASP crap they make you read
in school that no one actually likes anymore, but they
have to keep telling you how "important" it is, b/c
they've built up a huge cultural and economic system
around it, and they can't admit that it pales in
comparisson to newer, fresher writing.
The thinking happened when playing Golden Sun and
Golden Sun: The Lost Age. If you take the time to
analyze the names of things/places/people and the
ideas presented therein, you're getting into some
great mythological grounding peppered with
Illuminatus-level conspiracy and, of course, they poke
fun at console RPG pratfalls and cliches...usually
while simultaneously enacting said pratfalls and
cliches. Though, much to the chagrin of so-called
"hipsters" and "jadeds", our culture has recently
managed to wear out the whole "break 4th wall to point
out your own genre cliches" bit, and it is now,
itself, cliche. So, if you can't be genuine, because
that's too boring, and you can't be sarcastic, because
that is also too boring, what's left?
-rob "hangman" mcg
So, you think you're ee cummings, eh? Well, no dice, my profound friend - you don't add up. Evangelion and the dead-WASP crap factory productions have a common theme: they're the results of attempts by human beings to find meaning in what at first glance seems to be an entirely meaningless world. I'm pretty sure that almost any writings you can point to are the results of cultural and economic conditions, as opposed to your cockamamie reversio model. Hence, Evangelion, in my opinion, continues to stand on its own merit because it is one man's attempt to explain how he finds meaning in life, which to me is one of the chief purposes of any work of art, be it a film or painting or Shinji/Kaworu slash fic.
The fact that you would ascribe any meaning at all to Golden Sun confirms my sneaking suspicion that you're a raving lunatic, because I'm pretty sure the various names and "ideas" presented in that game fall under the "gee whiz this sounds cool" category, as opposed to the deep-thought-inspiring school it has no business even being mentioned in the same sentence as.
THEN you go and mention the Illuminati conspiracy theory, which is one of my favorite crackpot ideas of all time. If there is an evil race of serpent overlords, I'm fairly certain they'd have better things to do than to sit around enslaving a bunch of tame apes for a few millenia. More to the point, I refuse to ascribe any level of cleverness to Camelot and if you're suggesting that then maybe you're one of those evil serpent people and I need to get some sort of blood-guarding moon hat from David Icke to protect myself from your deadly wiles.
Finally, "hipsters" and "jadeds" are still infinitely preferable to "culture", which tends to place excessive importance on the earth-shattering day-to-day affairs of Ben Affleck, J.Lo, and Celine Dion's bilious husband and his gambling problems. I can, in fact, be genuine, and dammit, I can be sarcastic too. What is left, you ask? Well, if you're referring to humour, "Funny" comes to mind. Failing that, puns, dry wit, subtle sarcasm, sardonicism, unpredictability, absurdity, and of course referential humour are all still alive and well, and a good deal better than anything you'll find on TV, sadly.
At any rate, I'm probably not all that humourous to a lot of people because while I try to dabble in each of these wholesome fields of humour, most of my jokes are aimed squarely at amusing me. Ah, well...as the crappy old song goes, "You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."
And now that that little exercise in self-indulgence has passed, let's move on to the quickies, shall we?