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   In Fact, No Nog Period!   

Andrew - August 19 '03- 21:58 Eastern Standard Time

You lot are running me ragged, you know. I mean, I have no objection to answering 25 letters a day, but when two of them are complaints about me posting way too much stuff for you to read through and two more are glowing compliments, I find myself torn in two separate directions. Fortunately, I have extra-stretchy flesh thanks to a wheat-thresher mishap back in the 80s, so continue pulling - I'm rubbery like an eel, or at least one of those containers they sell at those terrible parties where soccer moms get you boozed up and sell you sandwich containers while you're too incapacitated to realize you can just buy them for 99 cents at Canadian Tire.

Well, you Americans can't do that, but you have Wal*Mart for that sort of thing, which I guess serves the same purpose. What you don't have is Canadian Tire money, which makes all those jokes about Canadian money looking like the currency they use in Monopoly that much funnier. Yes, this currency has pink, purple, and orange notes, which trumps the pink, purple, and red notes our regular money boasts just slightly. It's also in the cents rather than the dollars, although apparently there are two dollar notes which are probably mythical, but who knows - I still have a few of the three cent bills kicking around upstairs so anything's possible with this crazy store.

What I don't have is any left in my wallet, and you'll be happy to know the reason is RPG related. See, my friend recently got back from Japan after living a year there, having been bribed by his mother to come back and enjoy the lesbianic splendour of his university town (not to suggest that everyone there is a lesbian - just the people he has to deal with on a day-to-day basis at the radio station where he works. As an added bonus, they're apparently evil lesbians that have formed a cabal to try and eliminate him, but this is, of course, just second-hand information so who knows?) Anyhow, the day before he left Japan, a little GameCube title by the name of Crystal Chronicles (there may be some sort of other title attached as well, possibly "Tanker Pete and Joe Gunner Go To 7-11") came out, and despite my best efforts to talk him out of buying it, he did, so now I'm out 40 bucks and I have a game...

That does not work. That's right, the GameCube has these nifty little screws that only a magical screwdriver that grows exclusively in the magical toolbushes of the mythical land of Scarborough can deal with, and being unwilling to venture into such an obviously dangerous part of town (why, the newspapers claim it's "Gangland Toronto" or some hysterical thing like that) leaves me with a big useless imported game because I can't crack open my GameCube and tinker with the sumptuous guts within. Take heart, however; my friend has discovered some sort of scheme whereby we can melt pens, fuse them to the screws and yank them out, which seems highly suspect, but hey, it's only a GameCube, and if popular opinion can be taken at face value, nobody cares about GameCubes.

The moral of the story? I hope to be playing Crystal Chronicles by the weekend. Then I can brag and rub it in your faces and be generally offensive next week, unless it sucks in which case I will be conspicuously absent on Monday because I will be hawking the damn thing on eBay. And in the interests of relating the two halves of this disconnected ramble, I spent all my Canadian Tire money on a soldering iron to play with the guts of my GameCube. Now that's excitement!

Recent Q&A's

08-19-03
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Some crackpot book detailing a crackpot theory on why Moses is Akhenaten
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Yoshi's Island, Castlevania: CotM

 
Let's get the fun stuff out of the way first...

Hiya Andrew,

Is it just me or is there more animosity in the mail sent to you than the other hosts? Seems that way to me......Anywho, my question is about the upcoming Growlansers, do you think they will be any good? From the screenshots all the battle maps look really detailed and pretty awesome looking. And the art is pretty cool, the main character has a giant, golden scythe, come on, that's cool. P.S. Disgruntled Goat was one of the characters from Itchy and Scratchy. Did I mention I am obsessed with the simpsons?

-AlbinoMonkeyKing

Andrew:
Actually, I don't really think there's all that much animosity floating around. I mean, Galvatron's escapades seem to be in the spirit of good old fashioned spite, while my assorted snippings are just letters that would never have been printed by other hosts. This is probably where the difference lies - in printing everything some objectionable stuff bubbles its way to the surface every so often, which of course means I have to skim it and bottle it and sell it as pure sarcasm and insults, because else why would I bother including it?

As for that guy yesterday, well, he's back today, and as contrary as ever, as you will find out as soon as I stop typing here. Yes, at the end of this paragraph, whenever that may be. Which will be now.

 
Second verse, same as the first

Very cute...send me one letter with a completely different response than the one you posted.. At least you had the balls to admit it in your column, which I feared you wouldn't. Anyway, much to your chagrin, I did read the whole response yesterday, and no holes were chewed anywhere, thank you. I just want to take the time here to say that most writers of nearly any form of scriptwork from novels to web page and so forth actually want to find ways to improve themselves and their work, if at least for no other reason than to impress the people you are writing for. All I offered you was some constructive criticism and you act as if I'm some southern redneck with a 2nd grade education who just called you every racial slur imaginable.

Andrew:
Much as I'd love to turn this into a running flamewar, I think I'll just mention here that your "constructive criticism" was a windy ramble, much the same as this particular effort. On top of that, windy rambling is what you're trying to stamp out, so let me give you some constructive criticism: get acquainted with paragraphs. They help split things up so that it doesn't look like you barfed up ten pages of a very boring novel.

I don't know how long you read this column before you got the job of writing for it, but other writers before you had the same thing happen to them. Thor got it, Google got it, and the ones before them got it too, though I forget their names. My goal was only to help you better the column by merely suggesting some editing.and more concentration on subjects at hand. I'm sawee if I hoot yo feeweengs, wanna kiss and make betta? Tough! You want my sympathy..you can find it in the dictionary between sh*t and syphyllys. You claim to print everything, print this! I could do this column so much better than you, I simply don't have the time between two jobs and a kid to maintain a webpage. And there are others who don't like you, they just aren't willing to tell you simply because they know you won't last long anyway, so why bother? There are several regular submitters who I haven't seen posted in a while,and we know you print everything you receive, so that should tell you something. I was only trying to help you improve, but if you don't like it, fine. I will continue to read this column, but don't look for any submissions from me. You could've been cool.

Andrew:
Err... Once again, your logic mystifies me. I think I already told you my feelings remain unhurt, and the more you foam at the mouth, the more it confirms that warm feeling in my heart created by the firm conviction that you're a whiny sot with no taste. I don't care how much better you think you could do this column because you aren't doing this column, you can't do this column, and I think I will take the twenty to thirty letters I receive daily as an indication that while I may have alienated a few miserable cranks like yourself, nobody else seems to mind what I'm doing here.

In honour of your stale verbal incontinence, I've decided to make an exception to my rule. Anything you send me will henceforth rot in my inbox until death or Sobig C do us part. You bore me, and while I can't fathom why you'd continue to read something written by someone you hate (unless you're like one of those religious wingnuts that goes to Marilyn Manson concerts and then comes back all shocked because everything you expected to happen did) by all means, keep it up. Just remember, not only could I have been cool, I am cool, and that's not because I need validation from sacks like you, but because I can recognize what most people seem to want to read. Trust me, if that changes, so will I. Until then, please go away.

 
Call it two! A double play

Hey Andrew,

Not to be rude, but you seem a little on the long-winded side recently. It's nice to see a long response here and there but with as many long responses you've done the last couple of days I find myself unable to stay interested in the column. And it just takes too long to read through it all when it's that long. So you think you could shorten it up a bit? I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd appreciate it. Try and save the rants for slow days or a rant page. Just do what our weekend Q&A Bunny host does and call people who's ideas/opinions you don't like stupid and whatnot. Insulting people outright makes for good stress relief as well, though they might not appreciate it. Although Duff does it and he's pretty popular.

-Watcher

Andrew:
Apologies for that... I can't really help it if everyone and their cat decides to send in a letter,though. I will try and keep off-topic replies to a minimum, but I don't really have much control over when a long-winded reply happens along: sometimes it just sneaks in, like it could here if I decided to - no, better not piss you off deliberately. Anyway, if people would prefer a shorter column I can hack out five or ten letters, but then I'm going to end up with a painful backlog. If you just mean my responses, well yesterday's column really didn't have a lot of long answers - there were just fiendishly many questions. Again, I offer you the option of senor scroll button: he makes a fine friend in times of boredom, and not everything I say is riveting, as you can attest to. Still, perhaps it is time to consider not printing everything... Hosts always seem to arrive at that conclusion eventually, but I'd like to put it off if I can. Maybe I'll just limit questions to people with odd numbered license plates on Monday, even numbered ones on Tuesday, and bike riders on Wednesdays.

 
On the Flipside

Andrew-

I must say, I just about killed myself laughing at your reply to RabidPGamer in the column today. And that I happen to be one of those people who reads the column almost exclusively for the entertainment value due to limited time and funds for any new RPGS, so I'm enjoying your work -very- much. You don't have to bother printing this as it's actually rather pointless and I just wanted to offer a bit of encouragement and appriciation.

-Korellyn

Andrew:
I know I don't have to print this, but some people seem to think that everyone reading this column is sitting around in their basement sharpening knives and preparing to dice me up and serve me fried for Thanksgiving. To them I say: wait till November, I'll be much more plump and juicy by then, my own Thanksgiving dinner having fattened me up a month prior.

 
Balance has been brought to the Force

AL,

You are my new hero.

I must admit that I had my fair share of doubts - especially when it came to certain incomprehensible opening monologues - but your latest column redeemed you completely. No longer are you "the other" Andrew in my eyes - you are *the* Andrew. At least until the other Andrew drops the Vicodin habit and proceeds to resume his amusing Silence of the Lambs-esque skin-flaying of reader letters which made him so famous in the first place. Just between you and me, I think Queen of Dorks' comics reveal the naked truth of the matter: AD does not actually wear the pants for his own column anymore - she does. I mean, seriously, take a scroll through the comic archives and see for yourself; only the latest one actually features the crack rabbit himself sporting the Dockers (the Jedi and pirate tights obviously don't count).

That aside, your entirely bitter and superlative sarcasm truly makes my day. "Cavalier disregard," "gross oversimplification," "steaming road apple," and "cursory examination" indeed. So, bravo for making the column thoroughly entertaining to read even if the subject matter - as of yet - is not; the latter issue is a lot more easily remedied than the former, as anyone who's read Matlock can attest to.

-Red Raven, who should now probably abandon any hope of being hired here

Andrew:
You dare to claim Matlock is anything but the finest entertainment? Damn right you'll never get hired here... The Silver Fox doesn't take criticism very well, nor, apparently, do I.

 
And now, on to the real column...

Andrew,

What is your opinion concerning Chrono Cross?

I look back at the lighter-than-air feeling I got while playing it for the first time, and the feeling that, upon finishing it, that I'd been raped. One time, I proudly proclaimed that "Chrono Cross was a mistake that I never want to make again."

I picked up a greatest hits copy of it yesterday, after having sold my original one after beating it. Needless to say, I'm curious as to what the general consensus is on Chrono Cross.

-Traks

Andrew:
Well general consensus covers a broad spectrum from greasy fanboys to embittered fanboys such as myself. See, my review of the game, which I would link except I no longer stand by the opinion I expressed therein, was written before that wholesome "I've been raped" feeling set in. Once that took effect, nothing would do but for me to bitterly despise that game until the end of days. Except the soundtrack. The music is simply marvelous, even if a lot of it wouldn't be out of place in my mom's car, which is a frightening hole of darkness where music fears to tread on account of the high likelihood of encountering "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat OST" or "Billy Rae Cyrus".

So yeah, mediocre battle system plus terrible pacing plus utter lack of regard for the original title plus the ugliest interface ever constructed plus a faulty experience gaining system plus a plethora of forgettable characters plus oh so very much verdant turf and cerulean swishiness equals general disdain from my quarter.

 
I'll whence YOU...

Dear Andrew Long;

"From whence" is redundant. "Whence" means "from where." So, "From whence" means "from from where". Common mistake. Much like "and also" and "place where" and "time when". I want to say that your grammar is much better than that of Andrew Duff, though he's still much better than most of the people writing to him! He hates to be corrected.

When you ask, "Star Wars or Star Trek?" I imagine you mean with regards to games! Star Trek would, I think, be better suited to be an RPG, but RPGs made from a movie or television series either repeat the movie or TV show, or they take characters in offensively blasphemous directions. I think Star Wars is better for the arcade genres (mostly warfare).

Long live FF VII! FF VII has about the best music ever in an RPG.

-Wesley

Andrew:
My grammar better be better, since I pretend to study English for a living. When I'm not maintaining that facade, however, I like to hang around here and taunt long-dead linguophiles with my usage of "from whence" which has apparently been pissing people off since 1753, when some guy shouted it in a tavern and accidentally started the Industrial Revolution. Rest assured, however, that K-mart regrets the error (or would, if it hadn't gone belly-up.)

As for your assertion that Star Trek would be better-suited to an RPG setting, I'm not so sure I buy that. Possibly it's because there has yet to be a good Star Trek game made by anyone anywhere ever, but I think Star Wars offers much more flexibility and is more conducive to RPG-style action.

 
Wa-hey!

Seeing as how I'm the letter writer that Alethea was referring to in the "Contrary to a suggestion from a letter writer yesterday" message in Tuesdays column, I feel the need to say this: First of all, the spoilage was because the milk was past its expiration date. Secondly, I am a former staff member, so I knew that Googleshng was really Matlock before writing that message. I just mentioned Alethea because it's so obviously not true that it becomes funny. Oh, and guess what... Matlock is really Andy Griffith! See? Funny!

Also, normalcy is found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary. If enough people use a word incorrectly, it becomes part of the language. This is the way that the English language evolves. Well, that and stealing words from other languages.

--

Ross Bemrose (Powerlord)

Former RPGamer Music Curator

Andrew:
Those linguistics bastards got to you too? Oh, don't be shooing that egg out the door, I'm on to your tricks!

 
Oh look... one of those missing regulars has surfaced to correct me!

Hey Andrew.

I've gotten confused. Who were the other Andrews we heard from in last while in the Q&A? Was is Andrew Duff who did the weekend for the longest while and was famous for insulting "the stupid people"?

Andrew:
No, that was my alter-ego, Andrew Dangerous, who's hard at work bringing the people of North America the sawdust they so desperately crave while steadily racking up lung infirmities at a terrific rate. Or maybe it was Duffer.. It's been so long, I can't remember, which is why you should never drink tequila "brewed under the governmental standards of Mexico". Especially not when there's a mule on the label. I got my revenge though - the morning after, I pitched the bottle into the forest and shouted "See you in Hell, tequila!" True story, which just goes to show that in life, even as it is in this column, I often do dumb things for comic effect.

Oh, and regarding Galvatron's question about Berserkers, I'd recommend not using Knights for any real amount of time. If you have male characters who are intended to be fighter-types in the early part of the game, it's best that they not be lawful. The only exception would be using a ninja.

Berserkers are much better than Knights. The best plan is to have your Berserkers characters occasionally level up as a ninja to gain some agility and dex. Also, they have quite high defence naturally, so you don't need to weigh them down with a lot of armour. You can get Balder Axes, plus there are a few 'special' axes in the game as well.

There are 3 high classes which are male fighter-types. The lawful one is the Sword Master, which isn't very good. The Neutral one is the Dragoon, which is quite nice. The Chaotic one is the Terror Knight, which 'owns all everything'. As far as good fighters go, TKs are the best outside of many of the special characters.

-Mike "Rahlious" White

Andrew:
I personally favour just using ninjas, myself, but that's because I'm secretly hoping to become a bad enough dude to both kidnap and rescue the President some day. Trust me - it's a tricky scheme, but if I pull it off there might just be an Andy Warhol print in it for me.

 
Chronomantic

I just recently replayed Chrono Trigger and two things are bugging me. Hearing Marle's theme, it sounds a lot like the music in the music box that breaks at the beginning of Xenogears. Now why, if they were going to take a song from Chrono Trigger, would they choose the most boring song in the entire game? Secondly, what the hell happened to Queen Zeal after you defeat her at the top of the black omen? She says she'll live forever, summons Lavos and then disappears. No closure! AGH! Oh right, the reason I e-mailed you. My forst RPG was the first Final Fantasy. I hated it. (Then again, I was only 7 or 8 and had the attention span of a gnat). That thing almost put me off RPGs. Then, while looking through the games at my local rental store I found the game of my dreams. Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom! Whoo! Dragon Warrior style screen and gameplay with fruits and vegtables! And fighting with Rock-Paper-Scissors! I loved it! After all, if you don't have a sense of humor, there's no point in living. Jamie "Personally, I liked Rhapsody. After all, there aren't many games that let Spawn join your party!" Harper >8^()

Andrew:
Well let's see... If it's a music box, and the song from Chrono Trigger sounded like a music box, why would Mitsuda go to the trouble of making a new one when that particular song would not only suffice, it would also make people all fuzzy with memories? Secondly, I'm pretty sure you off Queen Zeal at some point, although my cursory search to determine what exactly happens to her turned up this site claiming Chrono Trigger is an allegory of the Bible, which sucked me in for ten minutes or so. As a result, I didn't do anymore looking because it blew my conservative mind and now I have to rush off and write in my blog all about the calves they sacrificed at that horrible concert and about how America's youth is going to hell. Ta!

 
This just in: Todd smells!

1. Star Wars, but only because I haven't seen 'Trek and Obi-Wan always wins anyway.

Andrew:
I dunno, man... I bet Picard could show him a thing or two about classy accents and charisma.

2. About Evangelion -- I'm sure you can find this somewhere on the Internet, but the creators themselves said that all the religious stuff was just in there to look cool. Most anything coming out of Japan with Judeo-Christian symbolism is just mainly there to be neato super wow. You'll do a lot better studying a psychology textbook then the Bible to read Eva.

Andrew:
Yep, that's more or less what I was trying to spit out yesterday when I went off on my tangent. Thanks for putting it clearly, though - I'd hate people to go around still thinking that junk actually meant something when it so clearly didn't.

3. Since you asked about improvements ... don't you think you're a little, um, acidic? Perhaps that guy who blasted you for writing about Uncle Ernie deserved it, but telling that guy you'd give him the finger was a little much. You took the blowtorch to more people then Andrew Duff usually does, and that's saying something.

-Bean

"We should all be proud to be bass players." -- Matt Freeman

Andrew:
Err.. I didn't say that. "Screw you" is simply a friendly invitation which I extended with only the kindest of intentions. Whether or not he chooses to accept it is entirely up to him, not that it'll matter when I'm finished. Also, most of those other people I torched are my fellow staffers who seem to delight in topping up my heaping plate of letters with a few spiteful extras. They know I just yell because I love them, so I'm really not all that evil. Still, if I stay this acerbic for just three more days I get to play a bottle of vinegar in my school play, so don't screw this up for me.

 
Captain Janeway vs LoD

Castomel,

Actually, I don't like one more than the other. I am leaning to the Star Trek side a bit because they put out Star Trek: Voyager, which has one of my favorite TV Sci-Fi characters, Captain Janeway.

Also, an RPG-related question for which I'm probably going to get yelled at for by you - Are you among the few who actually liked The Legend of Dragoon? I know I did. I kinda see where the opposition is coming from, but as I'm a person who refuses to listen to hype, I looked at it differently than most people. However, as I said, I adored the game and still do.

Sephira

"Oh, now we see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed!"

Andrew:
Geez, maybe I am coming across a bit too scary. Well, rest assured, I only lambast those who well and truly deserve it, so just because you like the unholy scab of crud that is Legend of Dragoon doesn't mean I'm going to tear your head off. I will say, however, that my dislike has nothing to do with hype - it has to do with the terrible story, the awful characters, the butt-ugly world map, the painfully wretched music, and the fact that Sony somehow required four discs to get it all done with. Still, if you like it, that's your business.

I once watched Voyager when I was under the influence... of cough syrup, and Janeway struck me as some sort of highly advanced space monkey for some reason, possibly because of the way she kept gesturing at the aliens, who all looked like space-monkey equivalents, except the ones who were space squids (although the whole thing may have been the dexadrine speaking - that cough just wouldn't quit). It struck me as funny and presumptuous to think that our monkey diplomacy would somehow be a universal constant, but hey - without Janeway's manly charisma there really wouldn't have been much in the way of plot to carry things along, so I suppose a little Deus Ex Machina never hurts once in a while, especially when it's as mundanely ubiquitous as this particular element of Star Trek. Mundane... that sounds kind of like Voyager - lord, I hate that show.

 
And now, an editorial

Alright, I'll bite on the Star Wars vs Star Trek, and it will probably trigger the scroll button effect.

My initial response is simply that Star Wars is a better series and encompassing universe than Star Trek. When taking the total efforts of its Expanded Universe into account, Star Wars enfolds a huge quantity of professional and fan made material. For a sci-fi series, its books are surprisingly engrossing and are almost universally readable if not always gripping. In addition, through these contributions to the initial framework created by Lucas, the Star Wars timeline has been managed to create an epic which is rich and full in its detail both before and after the events shown on film. Finally, Star Wars also has the added benefit of numerous gaming ventures (some successful, some not) which have helped to add a personal touch of exploration to the written word.

Star Trek, on the other hand, has suffered through an incredible lack of talent, skill, and organization in its presentation off screen. Barring a few exceptions, the written universe of Star Trek contains little more than drivel that is barely worthy of supporting my desk, let alone being read. To compound this effect, the games which have been created from the Star Trek properties have followed a trend of nearly universally underwhelming space strategy sims with pitiful execution and lackluster design.

The problem, of course, with this outlook is that when considering the movies and shows themselves, neither Star Trek or Star Wars is really better than the other. For Star Trek's case, you can easily point to the golden era of TNG and potentially even the initial series. Full of interesting characters, distinct personalities, and blessed with at least decent writing, both of these shows initiated a huge number of fans into the ranks of sci-fi.

In a similar vein, the original Star Wars saga was blessed with some of the most memorable characters to ever grace the screen. Biting and witty, they traded dialog which has managed to retain its flair and drama over a nearly 30 year span. They filled the minds of millions with thoughts of the Force and basically made Jedi a household word.

However, the creators of these series (Lucas for Star Wars and Berman et. al for Star Trek) have proven time and again that they lack a true grasp of what makes their titles popular. After the final years of TNG, basically every show which has follow has devolved more and more into a pathetic attempt by the writers to recycle tired themes, concepts, and villains in an ever rewinding panorama of "The Borg invade: Will you run? Yes|No"

On the other side, Lucas has managed to show through his new attempts at movie making that he is either very detached from his fanbase, or else possessing of a deep and seething hatred for them. Barring these two ideas, its hard to conceive of a reason for the travesty that was Episode 1, and in particular, the Gungans. Even ignoring that for the moment, and only considering the clean portions of Episodes 1 and 2, Lucas has still managed to craft films which read like horrible fan attempts at a prior trilogy. Contrived situations constantly arise, dialog is uttered that no normal person would say, and the crutch of chincy gimicks is used far more than stable story progression.

Overall, I'd probably say that the safest bet is to simply not choose, and instead take the elitist route by recommending a niche show like Babylon 5 or Battlestar Galactica. Or Galaxy Quest. Man, that film is probably the only piece of honestly watchable work that Tim Allen has ever produced.

Anyhow, thats "all" I've got to say on that topic. I'd comment on the philisophical deconstruction of Neon Genesis Evangelion from the angle of exploring the relation between technology and the human soul, but I think that would tax my reserves of sarcasm beyond acceptable limits. Besides, no one is probably reading this by now anyways. Keep up the good work.

Gabe Putnam (Araes)

Andrew:
Don't worry, that previous letter took care of Eva for you.

 
Make it 3-2, I guess, not that anyone's counting <.<

Hey Andrew,

First, I want to mention how much I enjoy your reading your column. That said, the person who wrote in yesterday to comment on your, how shall we say, excessive writing style might have been on to something. You do tend to be somewhat longwinded in answering questions, and I can't help but wonder if I'm the only one watching the minute hand do laps as a one-sentence answer is drawn out into a three paragraph anecdote. Otherwise, you are doing a great job, but maybe you shouldn't be as quick to criticize those who voice a legitimate concern in a non-offensive way.

I also have a suggestion for those of us who have so-called scroll bar phobia ^_^. Maybe you could add an index at the top of the page containing an anchor link for each letter? I do realize that there would be a bit of effort involved, but it would help to give the column a more organized look, and show the topics of the day's questions in the beginning for readers to peruse. Oh well, just a suggestion. Keep up the good work and the interesting columns.

David

Andrew:
I'm not entirely sure how nice that anchor link idea would look, but I'll certainly consider it if I keep getting so many letters. Note that all my whining about getting too many letters is largely specious: I like answering them all, but it's obviously causing some logistical concerns. That said, if I go ahead and say "don't send me letters" I'll end up with four on Monday and have a lousy column for you to look at, so I don't want that to happen either. I guess I'm just gonna have to keep hyping that scroll button until my novelty wears off, which it's bound to at some point.

Secondly, that fellow's approach isn't as benign as you're portraying it, however pertinent his advice may have been. I also don't see how what I said qualifies as criticism, since last I checked "go away" isn't a critique. This is, obviously, tedious justification, but hey, I have to do something to fill in the space between these paragraphs, now that I've created it. Glad you're having fun, by the way.

As for the responses, well - I've tried to keep them a bit shorter today, but like I said before, sometimes I just can't resist going off on a tangent, particularly if I'm feeling excruciatingly clever (which I don't seem to be tonight). I'm working on it, but self-restraint never was one of my selling points. Fortunately, the 2004 model looks like it's going to have some exciting new features like whisper-quiet airbags and speed holes, so come on down to your Andrew dealership today!

 
Daily wuhzuhzuhzuhing

Hey Andrew,

Seeing how I don't enjoy either Star Trek or Star Wars, I'm going to have to go with Star Trek being the better movie/show. Atleast I could record it and then play it whenever I want to go to sleep, because both are boring, but Star Trek has something about that show that makes you sleepy.

By the way, other things you mentioned in Q&A. Changing Ash into a Vandelier in Vandal Hearts is not worth it, because it makes the rest of the game way too easy which makes it boring as you can kill every enemy in one hit, except people like Kain, Xeno, and Dolf(and you block attacks from every direction almost everytime youre attacked). Ash also doesn't learn all the spells, he learns every Sorcerer spell up to Phase Shift, and its worthless to cast because of his horrible Magic stats.

Andrew:
Never thought of it that way. Thanks for the correction - the site I dug up my Vandal Hearts info said "all", but I really should have checked other sites to back that up.

Berserkers in Tactics Ogre are way better, they gain alot more attack and defense, and the same dexterity as a knight, of course they gain less agility, but by the end of the game you wont be able to dodge any attacks unless you've been a ninja the entire game, and the only reason anyone would pick between only a knight and a berserker, instead of another awesome class is if they went on the law route so that they could get vice on their team. I'd have to say for anyone who goes that direction in order to get some other characters, is, kill Kachua, or Denim will ultimately suck(or if you can manage to get past the game without training any, and get to where you fight Kachua and Lans on level 18, you won't take anything off Lans, so make sure you attack Kachua, so you'd atleast get her Red Necklace, change to a Lord then for godly stats, and only save Kachua on the chaos route when you can change into a terror knight(and always give Fudo to Haborym).

And Andrew, it doesn't matter that Vagrant Story's battle system sucks, that every dragon boss besides the first you can't take anything but 0 off, so you only have one decision to keep chaining your attacks endlessly to take anything off him, or spend hours going back in and out of a room with lizardmen and killing them hoping your weapon raises stats. The game is good because of it's story, but because it's gameplay is so horrible, and the fact that you have to play for an hour or so before getting to each part of storyline, which makes the game actually sucks, so yeah, I guess you're right.

Evangelion is one of the best anime series ever. *drools* Misato, I love you(just kidding)....

By the way, the name Andy sucks, the name Drew sucks, in fact, names are boring altogether and have no use(especially since people always call your name and then you have to go see what they want, when you could stay and not answer them if people didn't have names), so instead of having the Q&A put to ask Andrew, why don't you have it as, Ask the guy whos replying to questions, rants, or random stuff people decide to write in.

Andrew:
Because that, as they say in the funny papers, would suck ass.

I finally decided to ignore the most boring part of Arc the lad Twilight of Spirits, which is also the most boring part on Arc the Lad 2 and 3, and the end of the game as well. So I got through the *spoiler*(you think I'm going to tell, I wouldn't want to ruin the story), and beat the last boss, and 5 more days I'm going to buy Disgaea(and whoever was thinking of buying Arc the Lad Twilight of Spirits should, it's worth it).

I've seen the disney Hercules movie, and theres that one goat thing named Phil(which is the Colliseum attendant on Kingdom Hearts, which by the way sucks badly and Sephiroth is easy as hell to beat, especially when I was only on level 76. And man, Babbages/Gamestop/Software Etc. and Ebgames really rip you off on selling games, I only got 12 credit for that crap game). I'm not sure about the quote, but that thing was a umm, half goat?

-andrew- -kupomogli-

Andrew:
And people say I go on at length...Anyway, no dice on the quote front, you're way off the mark. As for Disney's Hercules, I had the misfortune to be subjected to that awful film for eight solid months every single time I went to work. My hatred for that theme song is surpassed only by the malice I bear towards Tom Hanks, whose awful Apollo 13 also blared in the background for a similar period of time. Don't get me started on Tom Hanks...

Anyway, overexposure can make anything unpalatable - I can no longer watch the Matrix thanks to work, which is why that "[Screw] you, Leon's!" I shout every time I go by my place of work applies in so many ways.

 
Ecumeniriffic!

*insert witty comment line with some variation of your name*,

I'm one of those freaky people really, since I enjoy both Star Trek AND Star Wars. (I know, instant circus attraction). But if I was forced to be swayed one way or another, it would be tough. I don't like the Enterprise series. I don't like the new Star Wars movies either, but I like them more than Enterprise... but I DID like Star Trek: Nemesis. So thus we have a problem.

The only conclusion I can reach is a Star Wars fan, if only because I've actually bought Star Wars games and read Star Wars books. (But then again, the New Jedi Order books are getting ridiculous, so...) In any case, I'll have to go with you on this one. Galaxy Quest is awesome. Not only that, but Titan A.E. rules too.

I also wanted to note how shocked I am to see how big a fan you are for The Adventure or Link. That's always been my favorite game (of all time and stuff, yeah)... and because of that, it makes me a instant circus attraction (when I don't mention Star Trek/Wars). Now I can claim I'm not the only one, which is cool. You've rendered me a great service.

Last of all, Advance Wars. I found this out recently, but Famicom Wars, Super Famicom Wars, and I think Gameboy Wars had lots of RPG elements in them like levelling up. But Nintendo took them out of Advance Wars 1 and 2. Isn't the diabolical?

~ Masamune - The Gamehiker

Andrew:
Titan A.E, eh? I still haven't gotten around to seeing that, but just like Sunny D, I hear it's great. Unlike Sunny D, however, it does not contain eight essential nutrients, so I've managed to survive without its orangey goodness thus far. Glad I could spare you the shame of being a Zelda II pariah, at any rate.

 
Rudy? And with zero evil games in tow? Madness!

I'd just like to point out that I don't think that galvatron guy is trying very hard. All the games he seems to be asking about are games that most any rpgamer should have played. I think he should ask more questions like in the game Tempest (the softmax game not the kooky atari game) how do I get katharine to join my party? She never seems to want too. Or in the original Popolo Crois, how can I get the Dragon saber and where are don and gon at the end of the game? (ok so that shouldn't be too hard to figure out). Or even better yet (insert venus and braves spoiler warning here) in venus and braves, how do I get Kos mos to join my party? Anyways I know I tried not to ask to hard of questions but I didn't want to mention the 'R2' game in there. :) and either way galvatron needs to ask more questions about games no one has heard of rather than popularly known non-popular games.

~rudyxx

Andrew:
1)Well, the best I could find is this: "Katharine Spancer 19 years old. Sacred Knight of Pandragon. She enters the Tomb of the Brave to catch Sharn Hoiste, only to be caught by the deacon Emilio. She is wild and outspoken, a woman of actions rather than words."

2)Hiding. to get the Dragon Saber you need to find some crazy stones that are actually vegetables in drag and then eat the veggies once you get an old man to change them for you.

3)The nonarrival of Venus & Braves makes me sad, so I'm afraid I can't talk about it. It'll open old wounds and then there'll be blood and other yucky things all over the column and if there's one thing I know people like, it's a non-infectious column. As for Galvatron, he seems to have given up for the time being, as the next letter will show. Yes, that next letter. The one right after this sentence, which I am ending... now.

 
Same joke twice means less thinking! You can thank me later

I must conceed defeat. You have proven why you truly are the Q&A guy while I am not. I could do the questions from obscure RPGs but I'm tired because my college is stupid and I don't really have the energy to find some obscure RPGs to ask about. You even attempted to answer my EoB II question (just an FYI, Amber is MUCH better then San Raal and is probably the only one of the various dead NPCs you can find that is worth reviving)

I'm still laughing about me being dressed Like Sailor Moon, maybe I'll bust out photoshop and post something on the web later Oh and you really should play EoB II if you ever get a chance, it's one of the best early AD&D games out there. - Galvatron

Andrew:
Please promise me that you'll never, ever, send me a picture of you dressed up as sailor moon, Photoshop or not. I've never seen you before, but I know just from conjuring up a mental image of myself in a Sailor Moon outfit just how frightening the notion is.

 
Ad-Aware indeed...

Starting up my computer should not produce pop-up ads. And if it does, then ad-aware should get rid of them. And yet, even after running ad-aware and even after manually deleting everything I didn't recognize from the windows folder, the windows/system32 folder, and regedit, when I start up my computer I get a pop-up ad that tries to install a program that removes spyware from your computer. Said program of course costs $19.95.

On the FF7 soundtrack, on CD 4, track 7 is called On the Other Side of the Mountain. It comes after the song that plays when cloud is in a coma, and before the song that plays when you're stopping the train from crashing into Corel. I cannot for the life of me place where in the game this song actually plays. Here is a link to a midi version of it: http://www.rpgamer.com/games/ff/ff7/sounds/midi/ff7mount.mid

Any idea what scene this song plays during?

Andrew:
None whatsoever, and you might want to get rid of Ad-Aware... I hear it's spyware regardless of what it claims (let's be honest - even KaZaa claims it isn't spyware, so any time something says "Gee guys, honest! I'm not spyware, I just install this little program that causes eight pop-up ads for hot schoolgirl dorm action to appear whenever your grandparents walk into the room. That's not spyware - it's spiteware! Ahahahaha! Aha! Hahahaha!..And so forth.") you should be very afraid.



Quickies

Damn, I knew I should've taken Philosophy 101 when I had the chance.
-- LordBrian

Yes, nothing beats Pascal's wager, or my T.A. who was hated by the entire department for reasons he could never figure out, because he was somehow unable to detect the fact that he was a pretentious asshead. I showed him, though... I didn't attend class from November on and still pulled out a cool D-.

Sup drew-

What would have happened in FF7 if Cloud was gay....I mean, come on, we all knew Sephiroth was.

Are you suggesting he would get down and dirty with Sephy? I mean, if you think about it, that'd be like doing yourself, since they were clones from the same block of cells. I can only imagine what the Pope would say about hot clone sex...

I think you'll appreciate this...

THIS

Yeahhhh, jes felt like rubbing it in...though the feeling of accomplishment is SO worth it. I don't know if you have the SNES or GBA version, or anything...be sure to watch out for The Very LOOOOOOONG Cave, Items are Fun, Go! Go! Morphin!, and Endless World of Yoshis. Those gave me some problems.

So as my mother's Mamma Mia CD blares in the background, I can only garner enough concentration to ask one question...here's a topic you never hear about much. What's your favorite FONT in a video game? I thought both Final Fantasy IX and X had good fonts, though I think FFIX wins out. Don't ask me why I care, or why I expect you to. I guess I couldn't think of a REAL question, with this damn Abba soundtrack...yeeesh.

- Feep "Fonts are cool"

I hate you, although I am comforted somewhat by the fact that you have to listen to Mamma Mia. Still, that's not nearly as bad as the Joseph soundtrack, so I remain malevolently yours, Andrew.

Wait...you're...Andrew? There are TWO Andrews? God, I'm slow. -zitanix

Don't forget about Andrew Dangerous... His sacrifices make him an American Hero, like that dog who looked cute last Tuesday.

If you check http://www.rpgamer.com/ask/alethea/aa081503.html you can find my answer to the Kingdom Hearts 1990 date. Apparently, Mr. "FFV is where moogles first showed up" didn't read it in his weekend catch-up. Besides, moogles first showed up in FFIII (NES) ^^

Deshy out.

Guess I should pay more attention when people say things. You win this time, Deshy... now write me some news :P

That's not Mistress Nightshadow, that's a man, baby!

I see someone paid attention to my cryptic crossword clue yesterday...

Yo,
I can think of four off the top of my head. I define them as characters because they have speaking "roles" in the game, i.e. - there name appeared before their dialogue in the little blue box. In no particular order, we have Gesthal, Lonewolf (the pick pocket), Madonna (Terra's mom, Maduin's chick) and Katarin (lives with Terra in WOR, the pregnant chick.) There's probably more. More than three anyway. Lates,
Hale

Because I never did bother to pay attention to Bart's explanation of what he meant for some reason (possibly my gnatlike attention span) you win three tildes: ~~~

At the top of the Q&A pages is a link to an FAQ. Go there and you will see that it still has googleshng smeared all over it. Maybe you should update it.

Yep, a guy could do great things with an updated FAQ. Great things...

People in FFVI or III or whatever with names longer than 6 characters:
1. Gestahl
2. Impressario
3. Old Man
4. Several espers
5. Anyone named Soldier
6. Many bosses
7. Madonna
8. Katarin
--sabin1001

No dice... Bosses and espers had a longer character limit, so your incorrectitude cancels out your general thoroughness. You may have a pity letter 6, however.

The three characters are:
Gestahl
Siegfried/Ziegfried
Lone Wolf

Enjoy! Also, FF6 kicks every other RPG's arse well beyond the gravitational limits of the solar system. It is just that good.

Lassarina Aoibhell

Webmaster, The RPG Place

http://www.rpgplace.net

~~~, and I'll save everyone some time by saying True, True, and Odin.

The Final Grumble:

Once again I will now depart to leave you in the capable hands of Cortney (at least, I think that's whose hands I'm supposed to leave you in; as of two weeks ago Andrew said he'd be gone this weekend and next, so here's hoping I'm right ^^;;). For next week, our first topic shall be...Evangelion. Gabe didn't get a chance to touch on it, and I'm sure everyone has a few ideas they'd like to toss out about the series, which despite the budgetary problems it ran into at the end remains one of the more thought-provoking bits of fluffy entertainment I've witnessed in the past little while. And just to keep it RPG-related, why don't you guys answer Kevver's question as well: what RPG that you've recently played made you think? I know I blanket-statemented the possibility away, but hey - am I one to not go back on my words as soon as convenience dictates?

Yeah, that's a lousy lesson. I seem to be full of those these days. Anyhow, play nice with Cortney and I'll see you on Monday.

Andrew "Drowsy Allergy Medication? This wasn't part of the deeeeal" Long

well, okay, actually all the box promised was "lactose free", so I guess I can thank my lucky stars for that

Old Issues
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