Ask Andrew   

   A Shiny New Donkey  

Andrew - August 12'03- 22:07 Eastern Standard Time

Oh, you may not think I'm pretty,

But don't judge on what you see,

I'll eat my hat if you can find

Another just like me

You can keep your bunny rabbits,

And your sexypants and slimes,

For I've stepped up and now

I'm here to talk a while in rhymes

There's nothing hidden in your head

That I've no answer to,

So try me on and I will tell you

What you ought to do.

You might be stuck in FFX,

Where chocobos speed round,

Or maybe there's a PS2

adapter you've not found;

Perhaps you love the tentacles

Of my squid- there's a lark!

But then again to help you type

perhaps you need a shark

Or better still you've got things

That are worth it to be said,

You're fond of wit and learning,

And aren't out to melt my head;

Or perhaps you're just a-wondering

Why I would steal this verse,

Well, I tried another intro

And to be honest 'twas much worse.

So put me on! Don't be afraid!

And don't be sad or wary

I'm the one what A's your Q's

And I'm only slightly scary!

Word of honour: I will never do that again. Besides, how many times can you get away with ripping off J. K. Rowling before she either sends an impressively toothy legal team after you or you go down in infamy as the only guy to be outlasted by Greenhut? I know I'm not in the market for either distinction, so hopefully she never reads this site and I can go back to my own diabolical scheme involving a potato carving that looks suspiciously like Vladimir Putin.

Yeah, as my poor attempt at poetic modification may or may not indicate, I'm here for the long haul, so you guys can stop sending me applications. One Q&A change in a week is enough for me, thanks, and I'm certainly going to do my best to make this column as good as it can be. With that said, there are obviously a lot of people who are upset over Google's departure, and I respect that. Even so, that particular decision was not one made hastily, and while it might seem like some sort of horrible upheaval right now, in the long run I would like to think it'll all work out for the best - excepting the possibility, of course, of those fangsomely litigious fellows everyone's favorite author likes to keep stabled up in her castle or wherever she lives catching up to me, in which case I may have some difficulty fulfilling these duties on a regular basis. Still, I hear they make some great gruel up in Kingston Penitentiary, when they aren't rioting and having scandalous lesbian festivities that our local "newspaper" "reports on", usually by blaring classy headlines like "Lesbian Pervs Sex Fest In Slammer Shower Shocker", so at least I'll be well fed, albeit out of a job.

Yes, Canadian journalism is at an all-time low, and while I suppose I could shift a few of my courses around to try and join the fight against this tide of editorial sludge, I think I'll bring some good old-fashioned Canadian whatever it is we Canadians spread to this column instead. While I am the eighty-fifth Andrew to appear in this slot, I am reasonably certain that as far as regular hosts go, I'm the first from north of the border to occupy this allegedly comfy chair, and so I'll be sure to do my level best to continue spreading misinformation about the true north strong and free, or whatever that line was in that song I used to have to sing each morning until I claimed I was a Jehovah's Witness to get out of singing it because I'm tone deaf.

Which didn't really happen, at least not to me, but that's another story for another day. For now, I'm looking forward to the opportunity to make Q&A something you want to read every day no matter what, so I'd like to hear any suggestions you might have with regards to format, content, or anything. I'd sort of like to head along the lines of Andrew's weekends with specific topics for each day or week, but I'm not locked in stone. The bottom line is, I want you to enjoy reading this as much as I'm going to enjoy putting it together, and the best way to do that is to find out what you'd like to see and do my best to carry it out.

Seeing as how I've made it four paragraphs without a proper introduction, it's very tempting to just press right on and answer my first scraggly little batch of letters, but as the last gender-bending pseudonymous individual (and no, I'm not talking about Google who will incidentally remain nameless since he didn't choose to explicitly reveal her true identity in yesterday's column) came to a shocking and horrible end I'll just dispense with that idea and say hello, my name is Andrew. I suppose you figured that out already, what with the whole "eighty five Andrews" business, but just to clarify, I am Andrew Long, Head of News and Chief of Complicated Surgery here at RPGamer. As I've been around a while, have a bio already, and harbour an intense dislike of talking about myself, I'll leave it at that.

So anyway, now that I've droned on for this long, I guess one more paragraph won't hurt. Sadly, this will probably be the longest I'll go without attempting to crack a lame joke of some sort, so if that sort of thing isn't your cup of tea, well, sucks to your coffee. I may not have the alleged suavité that Google has been accused of, but I sure can talk a whole lot until you want to throw something at your screen, and if you can't see what you're reading then what does it matter what I say? It's a good scheme, people. Try it with mumbling - if you mumble something stupid, you can recover with something smart and nobody will be the wiser. And that's my bit of worthless advice for the day. Or at least the first, depending upon how these letters transpire...

Recent Q&A's


The Archives
This Month
Full Archives
Have a stupid question?
FAQ Etc.
What's Andrew watching this week?
His cholesterol count... HDL cholesterol is a Silent Killer©, you know
What's Andrew playing this week?
Depressing quantities of Warcraft III: TFT

I'll axe you...

Hey Cast, I have a couple of questions I need to AX somebody... 1)In today's (yesterday's) column, Googleshng said that he/she signs all sorts of stuff with his/her real name. Does that mean that Googleshng did other work under his/her real name on the site while also doing Q&A as Googleshng? Or does he/she do stuff elsewhere that is signed with his/her real name? I'm really curious and was kinda hoping to get a definitive answer now that Goog has posted his/her last Q&A column (for the time being).

Fantastic fact: "aks" was actually the grammatically correct form in several regions of the British Isles in the early middle ages. Seems those dratted Northumbrians didn't have their grammatical caps on straight so the Liverpudlians got together over tea and decided to ram "ask" down their throats until there was some sort of island-wide unity. On the downside, then Vikings entered the mix and things got messed up all over again, resulting in annoying girls in my second-year Old English classes who I dearly wish death upon.

Anyway, your question is nice and indirect, so I can give you a big old yes. To which part of the question, I leave you to decide, but I'm pretty sure you can piece it together, if one of the letters to follow is any indication of the quality of the trail of clues that Google has left behind.

2)Don't you hate when you start an RPG you REALLY love, but the first hour or so is so ungodly BORING that it takes every bit of effort you have to get to the part that really interests you? That kinda thing happened when I picked up Final Fantasy 9 today and started playing it again. I got to the part when Steiner has to find the Pluto Knights after Garnet escapes, and just had to put it down because I literally fell asleep.

This is the reason I will never again touch Final Fantasy VIII, play through FFV in any reasonable fashion, will be unable to do anything but struggle through FFIV, have a deep reluctance to restart FFVI and IX, and is one of several overriding factors which will someday contribute towards my decision to fire up the grill and serve up some braised Star Ocean: the Second Story. My other reasons are much too petty to mention here, but suffice it to say I can see the future, and it involves flames.

3)Speaking of Googleshng, do we have any kind of plan for a post-Goog Q&A in place yet? Are you interviewing for Q&A hosts, or just going to rotate through guest hosts for a bit until you decide what you want to do?

Hi, my name is Andrew. I'm afraid you'll have to get used to me - My mom insists I'm good lookin', but I know better than to take her word for it, since she also claims I need to put some meat on my bones, which apparently somehow justifies eight servings of potatoes at any given meal. Regardless, my mug will be your nightmare for the next undetermined period of time, where undetermined is determined by various factors, not limited to but including:

  • Logan's Run conspiracy theories
  • Logan's Run conspiracies
  • Hot jailhouse action

4)Are RPGuides or Fan Fiction going to update again anytime soon?

Patience, pet. You will have your fanfics in due time, and while I can't promise anything on the information front, suffice it to say that Cloud/Cid slash should be more than enough to see you through the long cold nights.

Until I talk to you again, don't get caught.

Robust Stu

Grah! He's on to me... Better make a break for it. Kingston, here I come! Incidentally, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the greater Kingston area, allow me to direct you to the following map. It should clear up any nagging questions you might have, like "What the hell is he talking about?" and "Which neighbourhood would I rather settle in, Balsam Grove or Tuttle Hill?".

Well, I guess if there's like a hundred Andrews it makes sense that there could be two Thors...Unless that's a direct quote


Well then. Goog is gone... That sucks. Who is gonna be filling in for our favorite slime? Hmmm. Not much to say. How's DDR coming along?

"And God said, ' Let there be soy sauce ' and there was sauce..." -Thor

DDR is coming along suprisingly well, given my lack of any DDR titles or sense of rhythm. I have somehow managed to amass sufficient dancing ability to make less than a total jackass of myself over the course of the past few years, but I'm fairly confident that given the chance, I'd botch any attempt at DDR badly enough to garner satisfying levels of disgust from people like Richmond.

Hate hate hate hate hate

So what do you think of Rhapsody 2? Don't you just love that little princess??? >:)


I abjure thee and all thy foul taste in the unholiest of videogames. Begone, spawn of darkness!

Namingway Says

I can't believe I just figured out that Googleshng is Matlock. My two favorite RPGamer people were actually the same person this whole time. That's wild.


Wild and crazy, no less! And yeah, this should really be a quickie, but...

Star Ocean 3.. More like Star Ocean SOLO!!!!111one

Hello, I imported a jap. ps2 and star ocean 3. I was wondering if you knew if this game was 2 player. If you know please tell me. Arigatou Gozaimasu

Ah, the perfect opportunity to mention: those who would send letters sprinkled with little fragments of Japanese: please don't. I don't read Japanese, I don't pretend to read Japanese, and while learning in all its glory is a great and wonderful thing, neither should you. Tacking a "~sama" or a "ne?" or an "arigatou gozaimasu" and so forth might seem like a great way to display superficial knowledge of Japanese, but really it just irritates the pants off me because aside from the above three quotes, I have no idea what you're saying. And trust me - you are better served by me being fully bepanted.

That said, if you're importing Star Ocean 3, I'm going to assume you have some knowledge of Japanese, because otherwise that would be downright dumb - so apologies for the outburst ^^. In response to your question, no, no it doesn't have a two-player mode, and no, I don't know whether it does or not, I just made that up. Some checking here and there has turned up no evidence of such a feature, however, so I'm reasonably certain that my gut reaction, which was actually based upon writing up a number of Star Ocean 3 stories and not just on pure whim, has some basis in fact. Still, you can always hope...

The Final Grumble:


So yeah. Evidently there seems to have been some sort of mass shock or at least the perception that there was no backup plan. Hopefully the full realization that I am Plan B will net me a few more letters tomorrow, since today I was hard pressed not to post the Q&A application I received (unsolicited, mind you!) just to flesh things out. As it is, I think I'll leave you with one of the answers from that column and see if you can guess the question. If someone gets it, I think I'll let the author guest just because of all the hard work he put into the mock-up. Also, since I have one more day before Cortney steps in for the weekend while Andrew gets whisked off to Disneyland, I'd like to use it to air out your suggestions. So suggest away. I know Andrew's already put you through this drill, but I'm nothing if not a pathetic hack and copycat, so I figure I should get the chance to steal his ideas along with J. K. Rowlings, because after all, I'm the Sorting Hat, dammit!

The answer:

"I liked the second Wild ARMs game better for some reason, probably due to the fact that it had about five times as much dialog, even if half of it was unintelligable due to a shoddy translation. So I'd rather they remake Wild ARMs 2 with just a really good translation than the original Wild ARMs with better everything. Frankly, though, a remake of FF7 would probably sell the most copies, since it's more popular than the entire WIld ARMs series combined. And it's the money that matters, right? So don't be terribly surprised if rumors of an FF7 remake come back again in a few months or something."

Also, it occurs to me that this is a really dumb idea since there's nothing in it for the person who gets the question, so let's make this more like Jeopardy and pull a Daily Double - with the both of you. On third thought, it's still a really dumb idea since guessing the question will be pretty tough, but then again, I never was one to waste undue amounts of time on disgusting cleverness, so we'll have to make do with what we've got. On that note...

Andrew "Gryffindor Rules" Long

Slytherin Drools!

Old Issues
  • 50-letter tributes
  • Jailhouse love
  • Random Q&A Applications
   Got a question? Send it to Andrew the LXXXV   
New Issues
  • 50-letter condemnations
  • Love on the run
  • Random ideas

© 1998-2017 RPGamer All Rights Reserved
Privacy Policy