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questionanswer&andrew


The Last Metroid Is In Captivity!

Andrew Long - October 1st, 2004 - 00:35 EDT

OKAY, SO APPARENTLY, WHEN MY DAD SAYS "Hey son, we have a computer again at home!" what he really means is that he's gone to the local computer sales establishment and surrendered his computer for extensive "short-out tests", or at least I assume that's why he sent it there - that's their number one cause of computer malady, and as I may have mentioned before, even the slightest of ills will be attributed to a grievous and quite possibly fatal short-out.

Fortunately, I managed to sneak home before all was lost, so while this column is going up horribly late and tomorrow's will be doomed to the same fate (it rhymes, so it must be true!) they will in fact appear as opposed to not doing so. On that note then, I apologize most profusely and I promise - no more problems!

Well, okay. No more problems that aren't creamsicle-related, which are of course the best possible kind.




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A Creamsicle leaves Chicago
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A second Creamsicle leaves 10 minutes later
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ENJOY YOUR CREAMSICLES, OLD MEN
THEY WILL BE YOUR LAST!

YOU shudder to think?


Hey Andrew!

I don't really have anything to ask in this letter but I would like to give you my gratitude. Thanks to you, the other regulars on the Q&A, the friendly people at EA's tech support, the friendly people at Sims2 tech support, and the less friendly people at Compaqs tech support, I have solved the mystery of video card (enough of it at least). Thank you very much for helping me in my moment of desperation.
-The Lizard

PS: Have any staples? Hey, if you think my staple binge was bad you should hear what my dear cousi- er, 'friend' did when he was bored way back when. Shaved his leg, nice and smooth. I shudder to think what he does now in times of boredom.

ANDREW
Not at all, my reptilian friend. It's what we do - help people. Well, that and cut them up with excessive sarcasm when they make with the dumbass behaviour.


Grab Bag


Dearest Goog

Why does the Q&A only seem to talk about the same few games?

ANDREW
I'll field this one. Q&A tends only to talk about the same few games a) because the majority of readers seem only to ask about the same few games, and b) because the few that we force you to talk about are generally our favorites.

I've recently been branching out my rpg interests and discovered a whole new and exciting world etc. So I was just wondering about rpgs on the Sega Saturn. I recently picked up Dark Savior which has this whole multiple endings thing going on that is pretty cool, but are there any other Saturn rpgs worth picking up that won't set me back 120 english pounds (a la Panzar Dragoon Saga)?

ANDREW
Ah, for the answer to that, you'll have to plumb the merry depths of our archives, for we went over this selfsame topic in the past few weeks. Incidentally, I think that pokes a bit of a hole in your theory, cuz we talked about them for a few days at least.

Am I the only person in the world who actually likes Virtual Hydlide?

ANDREW
Yes. Yes you are.

Any ideas when World of Warcraft will be out in the UK? Blizzards site seems very tightlipped about release dates. I got the chance to play it at a UK game show and was hooked....

Kisses
Varalys the Dark

ANDREW
Wagering on a Blizzard release date is usually a good way to go broke fast, unfortunately. While I'm sure you'll see WoW eventually, since it promises to be a phenomenal cash cow, always remember that Blizzard is the company that can say "Summer 1995" with a straight face and then fart out a game in 1998. Better than 3D Realms, to be certain, but then, that's like saying you can outbox Stephen Hawking.


The cream of the crap begins now


Howdy pa'tna!

I've been oogling the entertainment news and they been talking about this new fangled thing called a portable playstation. My youngin's are really into the PS2 as they call it and they been figuring on me buying it for them. The thing is, when does it come out?

Thank ya kindly for the input and keep up the good work ya'll, ya here?

TOBIAS LONGBOTTOM
Well, gee howdy, Possum Zeke, I ain't hordly got no answer for that there question, whut with Sony bein' fearful quiet 'bout thar intentions. Now, I hear tell you's kin getcher paws on Nin-tendo's NDeeeeeeS come November, but iffin you's is bleedin' Sony black and blue, then y'all just have ta wait till March.


This is what happens when Google has a week to take all the good letters


Why did the name of Chrono Trigger use chrono instead of crono, was it for something that I missed or forgot. Secondly, what happened to SPOILLLLLLER!kouldelka husband, and Hally's dad in the game "series" of shadow hearts, was it explained in the original, oh and who is he.

Thanks castoman

ANDREW
Well, I hear tell they were going to name the game Crono Trigger until an unfortunate trademark issue arose when Dr. J informed them that he had actually trademarked the name Crono Trigger and was about to start using it. Well, that never panned out since Crono Trigger is pretty much the lamest name I can think of, but Square had to make the change anyway, and so here we are with Chrono Trigger and its regrettable sequel ten years later! I think it worked out better in the end - I mean, the games are about time travel (or dimensional warping, such as the case may be) so there's a certain justification for using the word "Chrono" in the title. Still, if you're ticked off at Dr. J about this travesty of justice, I think you should write him to tell him how you feel.

And as for your Koudelka spoilers? You can take them and eat them my friend, or better yet, go on ebay and drop the ten bucks or so it takes to hunt down the original.


Let me just consult my secret release date database, which only I may access... muhahahahaha


hi i was wanning to know when the new final fantesy movie was coming out... would u happen to know??? if so plz write back...

ANDREW
Sorry, pal, but I'm afraid whatever you see on the site is the sum of what I know about a given release date. Contrary to what is apparently popular belief, I do not in fact have access to some sort of secret listing, and even if I did, Mysty would just beat it out of me. THE CLAWMARKS ARE TERRIBLE!

Ahem. I'm sorry, you shouldn't have had to see that.


Perilously close to unfit for print


Can you help me please!

Do you know, if the version final fantasy 7 international released in japan have subtitles in english?

Victor

ANDREW
Is it THAT hard to find an english-language copy of the game? It's not like there's voice acting or something that would make a Japanese copy desirable - all you'd be doing is subjecting yourself to needless irritation, cuz subtitled or not, I doubt the subscreens would receive the same treatment, so unless you know Japanese, what's the point? And if you know Japanese, why would you want English subtitles? They botched the English translation so miserably you'd be better off in the game's mother tongue!

Sometimes I wonder about you guys...At least, until I discover that Square Enix has in fact created an International version of FFVII, which may very well include the subtitles you so strangely crave (I can't confirm this, so unless one of your fellow readers would like to shed some light on this situation, I'm afraid I cannot help you.)


And now, for the real deal


okays this is whats been keeping me alive without the need of cafine my names Kris and im finishing yr 10 and going to go into designing games my ive spoken to my firnds and they all said go to the microsoft(x-box) or the Ps2(sony) but i said to hell with what they say my loyalty lies with nintendo ever since the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time thankfully graced the nintendo 64 soon after i got the console which was my first.

now my friends and i (the ones who share the passion/obbsession of the zelda series which has captivated us)as i was saying my friends and i are looking to take the zelda game further im talking about movies/dvd (these ideas are already presented to a lawyer (cheers to andrew and copywrited so try nothin) now i we were thinking of going worldwide and start off in japan to see how things go down if it gets made into a anime movie for as you well knbow that japan,china and tokyo and others are considered to be the base/world capitals for anime now if we can produce something good in japan it should be a blast here because people were impressed by "finding Nemo" not that it wasnt a good movie but to me ghost in a shell 2 looks a boulders worth more impressive tell me what you think of my ideas and hopefully you might share the same passion as i do and respond anyways

you can reach at

thanks keep cool

Link and Zelda rule!

ANDREW
Okay, I'd like to be able to answer this question, but between trying to piece together what you're saying and marvelling at how you crammed each of those paragraphs into a single sentence, I was too busy wondering how on earth you expect to continue on to higher education to formulate an appropriate reply, so you'll have to forgive me this one.

I'm not wholly without heart, however, so I've foisted your incoherence off on my crack news squad to debunk. Regrettably, they are on crack, so you should probably keep that in mind when reading their response. As a result of the format of their answers, I am also forced to post your letter again.



okays this is whats been keeping me alive without the need of cafine my names Kris and im finishing yr 10 and going to go into designing games

CRACK NEWS SQUAD

Good to hear. Always good to have more game designers on hand. Though don't forget those English classes. I hear game designers are actually expected to be able to write in it these days.

my ive spoken to my firnds and they all said go to the microsoft(x-box) or the Ps2(sony) but i said to hell with what they say my loyalty lies with nintendo ever since the Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time thankfully graced the nintendo 64 soon after i got the console which was my first.

CRACK NEWS SQUAD

Ouch, not the best of Nintendo's showings by any means. But hey, I'm all for support of Nintendo's ingenuity.

now my friends and i (the ones who share the passion/obbsession of the zelda series which has captivated us)as i was saying my friends and i are looking to take the zelda game further im talking about movies/dvd (these ideas are already presented to a lawyer (cheers to andrew and copywrited so try nothin)

CRACK NEWS SQUAD

Yeah, that's true. They are copyrighted. Unfortunately, they are not copyrighted by you. Nintendo of Japan holds rights to that and besides, if your logic is going into game design, you aren't going to go anywhere with trying to rip off the ideas of Shigeru. Of course, who knows what might be copywrited to your account. Perhaps a cease and desist? Besides, they already made a Zelda series back in the eighties and early ninties. It even aired over here in the states.

LINK
Well excuuuuuuse me, Princess!

now i we were thinking of going worldwide and start off in japan to see how things go down if it gets made into a anime movie for as you well knbow that japan,china and tokyo and others are considered to be the base/world capitals for anime now if we can produce something good in japan it should be a blast here because people were impressed by "finding Nemo" not that it wasnt a good movie but to me ghost in a shell 2 looks a boulders

CRACK NEWS SQUAD

Sir, your logic astounds me. Please, stay in school. You truly do need the education badly. Comparing the finest in American CG movies to a couple of films based off an anime series and coming to the conclusion that you'll be able to make a hit just like either of them is madness, sheer madness!

worth more impressive tell me what you think of my ideas and hopefully you might share the same passion as i do and respond anyways

you can reach at

thanks keep cool

Link and Zelda rule!

CRACK NEWS SQUAD

You've taken a left turn off logic street, meandered along imagination road intersecting plagiarism boulevard and dashed right on ahead with nary a care. Sorry to be the stone wall of reason, but these ideas aren't really ideas at all, just a large set of 'me-too'isms. If you genuinely want to be in the gaming scene, you can't plan on taking over the high value creative works of others. You have to create your own. At least you got the last part right, though.

ANDREW
And there you have it, folks... Sarcasm done right!


YOU 'DREW
QUICKIE I
Have you ever noticed how Law and Order
is like Final Fantasy? Every time they catch the bad guy, 10 minutes into the episode, there's another layer of bad guy behind them, and then 10 minutes more, and there's another layer. And then, five minutes before the end of the episode, it turns out that there was a power backing the original bad guy who's the real real bad guy, and that first one was just a dupe of some sort.

Every Law and Order. Every single one. It's uncanny.

Andrew:
most of the time there's only two or at most, three suspects - in place of minibosses, you usually get motions to suppress, and conservative judges!



DA LAST GRUMBLE

Wow... That was a little dregsy, I have to say. Sorry if I seem a little harsh, but some of those questions just didn't float my boat. For tomorrow, therefore, let's talk about games being delayed or ominously not announced for release. Is there a currently unreleased game that you will cheerfully bomb a Japanese developer to the ground for not bringing over? I know if Dragon Quest VIII doesn't get announced for North America soon, there'll be heck to pay! HECK!

And what's up with SMT: Nocturne, anyway? It's not even funny anymore.

castomel@rpgamer.com
Andrew Long provides energy-efficient roofing at no extra charge!

I'LL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS, YOU PROVIDE THE

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TV says, donuts are high in fat, kazoo, caught a hobo in my room... It's princess leia, the yodel of life, give me my kettle back or I'll play the guitar!

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