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Three Jelly Donuts

Andrew Long - December 27 '03- 7:01 Eastern Standard Time

GALAGA IS AN EVIL GAME. Here I was, sitting nicely and thinking to myself "I'll get started on this column right now!" and then Galaga flew out of the sky and knocked me into my chair, where nothing would do but that I play it for an hour. This is probably some sort of sickness, I know, but anyone who has a game they just can't leave at one more time through will know what I'm talking about. It's not like it REALLY matters when I write this, anyway. I mean now, I'm definitely doomed to wake up at 5 PM or so, which is probably very unhealthy, if my mother can be believed, which, while not always the case in these sorts of matters, is nevertheless what I'd better write here on the off-chance she ever reads this.

So having told you of my Galaga exploits, I feel it is also fair to mention that I'm currently playing through FF: CC with my friend (and tonight, his brother, who seems to have developed an unhealthy passion for katanas.) I don't know if I mentioned this before, but our exploits from the summer were rendered null and void by the Freeloader disc, which I probably should just have picked up at the time, on account of the fact that both my friend and you, my wise and sagacious readers, suggested that I was a big dumb idiot for plumbing through the guts of my Gamecube. To you I say: screw you. I know everything, and even if I don't know everything, I'm still secretly convinced I know everything, which is why I will continue to make every stupid mistake in the book until I come around to the right decision, usually by some horrible sort of default.

It could be worse. For mostly the same reason, my sister sleeps outdoors in a hammock in downtown Toronto. In parks.



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W, 6-5 in OT
My cat is sad
For his red chair
has been removed
from the porch
for the winter
Poor, poor cat
He's sitting on my cribbage board :L

Excellent work, professor! Now, for your next search, I need you to find me the ocean

"Andrew Long is protectively hugging his giant canister of nuts"

If you take out the "giant canister of", you get "Andrew Long is protectively hugging his nuts". Wait.. wait... if you just take out "canister of".. you get "Andrew Long is protectively hugging his giant nuts". Ahahaha. Man, that's golden.

On a side note, I got FFX-2, and it's an insanely fun game with a great soundtrack, in my opinion, baby.


The same thing had occurred to me, since that was kind of the point of that little byline. If you don't believe me, check the hidden text.

As for FFX-2, well, bear in mind that my prejudices are strictly based on the maddened rantings of a bitter, bitter man and the fact that the opening video is just about the most putrid thing I've ever seen in a video game. Call me grouchy, but that concert makes me want to build a gingerbread house, lure Yuna inside, and then push her into a stove.

A Zelda-related predicament

My brothers got me a Gamecube for Christmas. For someone who, due to financial reasons (unemployed, attending college until recently), has not owned a console since the SNES, this was a huge deal for me. But now here comes the downer. See, one of the reasons I asked for the Gamecube was the little bonus disc that was supposed to come with it. The "supposed to" should hint where I'm going with this. They couldn't find a Cube with the Zelda bundle, and upon further investigation, it appears that the stores have in fact run out of such stock, alas. Someone mentioned a rumor that I could in fact, by virtue of the recent purchase during the Zelda drought, retrieve my most desired disc later when they restock, but they didn't have a clue HOW (know anything about this? oh please oh please oh please...) In the meantime, my exploration of Hyrule is on hold once more.

Oh well, at least I'm got Smash Brothers...

- ChocoMog ZERO

Well, having not even gone into an EB in a few weeks, I don't have much of anything to offer in the way of ideas. I also hadn't heard that stock had run out, but the offer was supposed to be limited in supply, so it stands to reason that this would happen eventually. If you're really hankering for the disc, you can do one of two things: conduct a more wide-scale search, assuming your brothers haven't checked every store in a hundred mile radius, or you can do what the store tells you and hang on to your receipt until they get more stock in. I would put faith in Nintendo shipping more discs, since it made sure that the Ura Zelda promotion with Wind Waker went off without a hitch.

Now, stop complaining^^. You've got Smash Brothers and brothers to play it with. That should tide you over until you can get your hands on Zelda games you've probably already played anyway.

You shall NEVAR get away with my nuts!


A Saturday without odd and interesting at the same time. From my letter yesterday, you already know that I didn't get any games. Kingdom Hearts? No. Xenogears? No. Know what's pretty bad. My ma asked a guy at a store for Xenosaga ep. 1 and he said $65... $65 for Xenosaga?? So alas, she thought that I wanted expensive games. When I explained that Mr. Rip-Me-Off was indeed trying to rip her off, she brushed me off and went with the whole, "That must be the price then", line. Today I saw it in Gamestop for $25...oh well, I'll have to wait until I have a job so I can use those funny, green papers that now have colors... Pity, I know, but you got a great gift yourself. Who doesn't want a big can-o-salty nuts?? I envy you for that, and right now I'm plotting to steal your nuts. Since we should talk about games I the only one who likes the opening FMV for FFX-2?? Probably, I don't know tho, it's great and Yuna dancing? What else could I ask for? ....O-Oh, yeah...riiiight, a nuclear warhead would be something else... Seeing as though I haven't asked a question in like 3 months, here we go. Is IRC registration worth $20 through a credit card? If so, how should I go abouts asking my parent to do it?

It brings me to my knees,

O' Shrouded One

Sorry bro, I'm afraid I am in the "FFX-2's opening video is a big steaming pile of ready-to-fling monkey feces." There's just something about it that makes me want to kidnap a real Hollywood star, like Clay Aitken, and then push him off a leaning tower. I wouldn't use the one in Pisa though, because that'd be cliched. Instead, I would commission a team of crackhead engineers to build one in my backyard, to make this operation more convenient, and less requiring of a passport.

As for registering IRC, that's something you have to decide for yourself. It's not like Gamespy, where registering guarantees that you'll get to experience the decline of the product into spyware porno firsthand instead of from a distance, but it is like a lot of other programs, which allow you to count how many days you've been a bad little miscreant. Well, it doesn't even give you the satisfaction of a count, actually, but you can probably ballpark it; for instance, I'm pretty sure I've gone about two months since last I downloaded and had expire a trial version of mIRC. If paying that 20 bucks and supporting a developer makes you sleep easy at night, then by all means, fork over the cash. Just tell your parents it's for disaster relief, which you have to do a project on that's due tomorrow. Since tomorrow is Sunday, just claim it's for your new school, on the moon, and when they look at you funny, tell them you're stealing their "moon money" and grab their credit card. After that, the sky's the limit.

As for me? Having 20 bucks in my pocket makes me sleep better, so I'll put up with the creator's ugly mug, which is disturbingly similar in appearance to the detestable Jared.

Sword of Mana gets another one

Oi Castomel,

I envy you your canister of nuts. Believe it or not, there were no food gifts under my tree this year! No candy, no coffee or tea , no cookies, not even a stinkin' discount-store 5 lb. tin with three flavors of popcorn!

Hmph. If that happened to me, I'd get bitter and throw a "so you think I'm fat?!?!" hissy fit, just to be a pain in the ass. Anything Best Buy has in a commercial is bound to score big laughs!

Speaking of bulk-lot fantasy, which you were in a column not too long ago, I got a couple of Terry Pratchett books which I had asked for. Mr. Pratchett is the one I turn to for easy-to-read, guilty-pleasure type fantasy. He has a moralistic side, and his plots are perhaps too structured/forced at times, but I like his characters, and all of his books have made me laugh a lot. And the guy sure knows how to play to my cranky skeptical curmudgeoniness about "human nature."

Yep, I've read a Pratchett novel or two, and that' s a pretty good description of him. He's not my favorite author or anything, but he knows what he's doing.

On to games, Monster Rancher 4 and Sword of Mana are the only two games I got this year that are on-topic-ish for your column (not that that stopped me when I wrote up my wish list for a previous column). I've played a little on both....

MR4 is okay, in a menu-driven, schedule-y kind of way, and it's got a decent amount of fighting, and a surprising storyline (in that it actually has a story, at least in the early stages), and seems like it'd be decent for killing an idle hour here and there, or several if I decided to get all Pokemon about it.

Sword is, well, the bomb!! I'm so totally geeking out over it. I hadn't read anything much about it, except that it was a remake of the first Seiken Densetsu game, and all I had expected was the exact same gameplay as FFA with purdy GBA graphics, which would've been good enough for me. Was I surprised when I read the booklet, and saw all the nifty gameplay stuff they added! It was also surprising, after playing for an hour, to see that they added details to the story. A lot of care was put into this game that, thanks to indiscriminate Square fans like myself, wouldn't even have been necessary. It's a very nice token of respect to people who enjoyed the first version.

So... does the third Seiken Densetsu game also start with some guy falling down a waterfall, just as FFA/Sword and Secret of Mana do? Just curious.

That's a negatory, good buddy. SD3 has six possible intros, and while I haven't played them all, I can't seem to remember any waterfalls being involved. Of course, I definitely didn't pick the hero-looking character, and since the girl's scenario in Sword of Mana doesn't involve a waterfall either, maybe, just maybe, the tradition continues.

Reading the letter about kupomogli today, I got all self-conscious about some of the letters I've sent in. I know I don't express my opinions in the way he does, but I also know I can get awfully verbose. Then again, if my blatherings were "too much for print" they'd be edited shorter, or even not printed, right?...perhaps I'm worrying needlessly, which, of course, I never, ever do IRL. -_-


Heh, never fear. For one thing, your ramblings are much more pleasant to read, and for another, you don't take the wrongheaded side of every single argument(I kind of feel like I'm talking behind his back, but it's not like I agree with him when he says things like "FF7 is teh suck!!1"). Either way, I have yet to receive any complaints about your letters, although I'm sure some wonderful soul will now take the opportunity to be clever and send me a letter saying how much he doesn't like your letters. Except now that I've said this, he'll probably say that he does.

More delicious presents

I got a bag of Mr. Gumby's Chocolate Brains (My brain hurts!) and a can of Milk Chocolate Dead Parrots (They're not dead, they're just resting!). Google refused to give me a picture of the product, but never fear! My low-quality webcam took this picture without my even asking it to, because it likes Monty Python so much. I didn't get what I really wanted, though: the power to crush my enemies. But maybe if I just believe hard enough, if I just wish with all my might, the power of the human spirit will grant my desires, and I will wake up one morning with telecombustion, the power to blow stuff up with my mind.


Geez... Aren't Turtles and moving crap with your thoughts good enough for people anymore? Kids these days...

FFTA? Oh dear...

Whats up, casto?

Guess what I got for christmas....nevermind actually because Ill tell you. Well just the RPG's atleast because other games are forbidden on these rough grounds stinking of experience points.

I got FFT advance and I must admit that I enjoy it while playing but to want to go and start playing is another story. The game is lacking something important. Whats the diagnosis here? Also got the PS2 dvd remote and its about time, yay. Lastly I broke out the mastercard and ordered myself Chrono Trigger and got a real deal and believe me when I tell you that. CT I have such fond memories of except that day when it was misplaced in my friends pocket. Oh....the days of high school really sucked. Speaking of which, All I wanted this christmas was to be off for 2 weeks like the kids. :::::crying:::::

Well, at least you can still call the guy a friend, even though by inference it sounds as though he stole CT from you. As for my diagnosis of FFTA: it was designed to be played in short bursts, such as car trips. That's why you get that gnawing emptiness when you play it for too long, because as far as I can tell, it really wasn't designed to be. Make of that what you will; in my eyes, it's a bad feature in some ways, a good feature in others.


Hopefully, I'll be finished FF:CC before too long so that I can share my thoughts here. I'm about halfway through the game, if the story is consistent with the instruction manual, so in the event I'm actually able to get a significant amount of playtime in, I should be able to get it done in a week or so. Nevermind that, though. Google has assured me that his mail access should be restored, so you'll all have your regular host back for tomorrow. I'm not too sure what he wants to talk about, but I'm sure you guys can come up with something. As for Wednesday, well - there's more FF7:AC details swishing about, and something will probably come up on Monday to enthrall us all into some sort of tasty discussion. If you're all nice, I'll even let you have creamsicles with it!
Andrew Long might just be a ninja - but probably not.



I have a knife!

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