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Doctor's Orders

Andrew Long - December 24 '03- 9:54 Eastern Standard Time

I AM UNDER STRICT ORDERS NOT to do anything strenuous like "sitting up" and "moving" and "anything beyond moaning in misery". Nevertheless, I am a rather disobedient boy when it comes to doctor's orders. When I had ketoacidosis back in the day, for instance, he told me not to go to work under any circumstances, but boy did I soldier on (particularly because he told me it was a flu bug, which I had no respect for.) Yes, I heroically went to work, screwed up everything I touched, and then screwed myself up on the side by continuing to drink delicious sugary beverages, resulting in a killer blood sugar of 39.6 when I was eventually dragged to the hospital.

This time, fortunately, the particular illness that has him demanding I do my best impression of that guy described in the um.. colorful Japanese movie you might find with the proper Google search is merely horrible horrible flu, as I may have hinted at on Friday. So it was that I was puking merrily that day, Saturday, and just enough of Sunday to scorch my throat completely, and was subsequently detained in the hospital just long enough to be unable to do anything about this Zucot character pulling a no-show yesterday and leaving me with hardly any letters.

And yet, hardly any is hardly none, and since this column will have to last for two days as I engage in various holiday entertainments, it will be enough since it's doubtful anybody's going to be reading it anyway. How terribly encouraging...




SEND LETTER




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About the Editor



20-6-6-3
Florida has perished, 5-2
And the Leafs?
First overall!
Christmas present enough
Which I can say
Since I have all the systems
And games
I will need
For quite some time

In the spirit of the season, I will restrain my remarks about how we don't withhold information


Hey

Was wondering if you knew if Wild Arms alter code f was coming to the US, I'm a fan of the first Wild Arms, I loved the story but the graphics..... sucked mass ass. And if I'm right Wild Arms ACF is a remake of 1#. So it would bring me great joy if I could get a hold of an english version of the game.
Signed
Justin J.

ANDREW
You know, you could confirm that sneaking suspicion of yours just by looking at the game page, but I guess then you wouldn't get to make yourself sound like a mysterious psychic of the paranormal and obvious, so don't let me deprive you of your fun. As for the localization bit, the game page would also confirm for you that, in fact, no such thing has yet to be announced. Why worry, though? It's Sony, they've brought the rest over, and you, JJ Mysterio, have a nagging conviction that it's a remake of your much-loved PSX favorite of Christmas past. I do believe this should be enough to get the game moving in our general direction.


This is getting ridiculous...


"to the annoying lord of keys: you've forgotten entirely about a master key that will open up all chests."

I'll find and swallow the master key. How's that for ya!? Sure, it'll probably get lodged somewhere in my body and cause digestive problems later on down the road, but I'll be immortal; I'll live through it.

Either that, or else I just nuke the whole world and be done with any heroes that'd stand in my way. Man, immortality really does have it's perks...

-Lord of Keys, as I'm evidently now known...

ANDREW
LET IT DIE! Um.. which is to say, if you nuke the world, you'll have to fly off to another world, which will probably already have an evil immortal overlord who has eaten his own key. Then you'll have to fly through space, locked in eternal combat as you both struggle to pass bulky keys through your digestive system so that you can fart them into the sun.


Hmm.. I really wish I could get a normal story once in a while


Oh, poor lad, I do hope you feel a bit up to par as of soon, mate. Had a bit of the flu myself this past week, ruddy hell! As you can see, it has left me all but British. Savvy!

Er, yeah, so anyhow. My worst RPG Christmas was undoubtadly the year I recieved Micheal Jackson's Moonwalker from the crazy lady my mom makes me call Grandma. I remember it like it was yesterday:

"Here honey, Grandma got you a Christmas present!"
"Yay! It's shaped like a video game! I hope it's Secret of Mana!"
::RIP RIP::
"... Moonwalker? ... Why? ... Grandma why?"
"HA HA BURN IN HELL YOU LITTLE BITCH!! AH!!!"
"Nooo!"

At this point Grandma began to spat fire from her mouth like a crimson dragon from the bowels of Hades. It was only after the flames subsided and the smoke cleared that we realized that it was not Grandma, but in fact it was a robot in a moo-moo with quite the impressive wig. Ah, memories.

If that didn't cheer you up mate, I know not what will. Cheers!

- Quistis Chick

P.S. I'm totally messing with you! It wasn't true! HA HA! It wasn't a moo-moo at all, but more of a nightgown/shall combo. Ah...

ANDREW
Fluids. Lots and lots of fluids, and plenty of rest. Also, a car to throw at someone - these are the things that will cheer me up. Good story, though.


kupomogli takes advantage of another "print everything" day


Hey Andrew,

Tomorrow at 7 I'm moving to Florida, so I guess everyone is just going to have to miss me for awhile, unless my uncle still has the internet and I can read the junk there.

ANDREW
I'm sure we will find the strength to carry on.

Anyways, for the one guy who lost those games. I offer you this advice. First off, just sell Final Fantasy 7 since that is one of the worse games on the list he ruined, and find Dragon Warrior 7 since that's a great game. Alundra isn't that good, but, it's very rare, so I doubt you'll find one of those in good condition, and Parasite Eve is in the line of FF7, it's not worth it, and I've never played Devil May Cry, so I don't know.

ANDREW
So you want him to sell a broken game just because you hate it? Interesting...

Final Fantasy Anthology and Chronicles are two others that will be really hard to find in good condition, and even though Andrew said Anthology isn't worth it(which, umm, what the hell is wrong with you), Chronicles isn't really worth it because well, Chrono Trigger sucks, and even though FF4 rules, it has some moronic translation over the original released in the US, although they did keep everything in the game this time, both games aren't any more difficult or not(I own both, two of the SNES version, I don't see a difference), although, the glitches in the PSX version(music starts late, and no matter how much speed you have, even if you get first strike, no matter what enemy you are fighting, one or two people will be able to go, and the enemies will be allowed to make their attacks, even on Imps/Goblins).

ANDREW
Nothing is wrong with me. FFV I have in SFC form if I really wanna play it (selfish, I know) and FFVI was butchered beyond all recognition, so I stand by my statement that FFA does not deserve the time of day. I mean, it rhymes, so it must be true. And... Chrono Trigger sucks? You go now.

You know, I've never played .hack, but, if the game as a video game sucks as bad as the series does, then I'd probably hate it. It's probably the most bland desolate anime series I've ever seen, and makes me wonder, why does Cartoon Network decide to pick the worst possible anime series they can put on, and skip over the great ones.

ANDREW
Probably because they were paid to. Besides, from what I've heard from you, the only thing you like is Gundam anyway, so I don't see as how you're exactly an unbiased opinion on the matter.

Like, Evangelion, although they ruined the two episodes they showed, by taking about 5 minutes of each episode, removing most of the parts that tell story or anything, and then removing Lupin the 3rd to show those stupid FLCL and Blue Gender shows, and one series that isn't really that great, they skip bringing it, but it's an alright series(especially Deedlit, rowr), The Record of Lodoss War.

ANDREW
Okay, I stand corrected ^^;;

Anyways, going on and on and on, since I have nothing to do since I put all my games up last night before I went to sleep at, umm, 5? So, I guess I'll play this loser game until I beat it a second time*starts playing FFTactics Advance halfway through*.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

ANDREW
We get it. You hate FF. Go to Florida now, you miserable little man.


Festively Unfit for Print


I know you probaly have had this question before but, is there going to be a remake of Chrono Trigger for the GBA. I have heard some people saying that Square and Nintendo were going to remake it. So if you could give me a answer you'll make my Christmas.

ANDREW
Well I haven't had this exact question, but it seems about on the same level as any other Chrono related question, so once again I will say: any information relating to games known to either myself or the site gets posted in news. No exceptions. So look on index if you're curious about these things.

Oh, and as with most other Chrono related question, the answer is a big no.



DA LAST GRUMBLE

And so, it is time for holiday cheer and all that jazz. When you open your presents tomorrow, always remember to think of whatever deep things other people have told you to think about, because TV knows all, to say nothing of the Internet. For Friday, send in glowing reports of presents received and fun things done, as well as anything else you feel like talking about.

castomel@rpgamer.com
Andrew Long decks the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la.

I'LL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS, YOU PROVIDE THE

QUESTIONS


Which is true, if by "deck the halls" you mean "sit around" and by "boughs of holly" you mean "bitch at my parents to finish dinner". I'm such a good son!



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