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Can't.. Stop.. Doing.. the Monkey!

Andrew Long - December 18 '03- 10:32 Eastern Standard Time

ACTUALLY, I JUST CAN'T STOP FEELING LOUSY, courtesy of an ill-timed dose of Boogie Woogie flu. Rest assured, the rock group responsible for my ailment will pay dearly, but for the time being, I am reduced to an anemic shell of my former, vibrant, Olympic druglord self. Yes, with my super prescience I was able to foresee that my fellow Canadian Becky Scott would come in third two years ago, and so I made it my life's goal to sell steroids to the two skiers that finished ahead of her. Believe me, that involved lots of messing with the Russian mafia, and so I think when I say this flu is just "a big pain in the ass" it's because I'm a whiny little maggot with a low pain threshold.

But thanks to the bonus delirium flu v.2003.1 has opted to inflict upon me, I am now able to ramble at length as though I had been dosed with purest opium. I AM so.. cold, so very very cold, but what do you expect? As I mentioned yesterday, meteorologists are a pack of liars who have designs on selling humanity to the Illuminati in exchange for one of those big blue screens that they can put in each meteorologist's basement worldwide, so that as evil serpent men are devouring the brains of their children, they can stand in front of a projector showing True Lies and kick ass and chew bubblegum before being rendered into the latter.

So cry not for me, Argentina, because in addition to this pestilence of snakes, I bring you my new hero: the FFVI Buttrock kid. Watch his super guitar playing, and be amazed by his faithful rendition of the FFVI battle theme. Then, fail to notice as I steal your wallet and buy some life-sustaining Nyquil.

What? No cash? Crap... I guess this lousy Neo Citran will have to do.



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About the Editor

In Washington on the morrow
My head hurts
I can't go on
Without sweet delicious stuffing
Or at least a stuffing log
Trust me: they exist

Aw, crap... I did it again!

Sorry, I've not been on the ball lately, so the past few days I missed QA&A. First off Return of the King kicked the crap out of it's predecessors, which in my opinion is no easy task. Even for my friend who didn't like the first two, he said the third one is excellent.

Now to my tell of great X-mas presents, the best present I got was my Super Nintendo with Mario Kart, and Super Mario World. My brother and I spent all day playing both of them. Funny story to add to that, I've bought each Mario and Mario Kart game for myself for Present and Tree Day.

As for my tale of woe, well, a week after my brother for and I got a Nintendo Entertainment System for X-Mas, my dad and mom got divorced.... but that's the only real bad memory I have, unless you count receiving Final Fantasy 7 as a bad memory.(It was good initially, but got much worse as time went on.)

If you didn't answer your own tale of woe earlier, feel free to answer it now. Thanks for your time.

Ricky Takare

After yesterday you'd think I would have remembered, but I guess not. The tale, then: I got FFMQ for Christmas. Bear in mind, I not only rented this twice and almost reached the end, I even LIKED it, which is doubly frightening. At any rate, it just so happens that my mother's favorite form of punishment was forbidding me to play video games, so to add insult to injury, I had to sit there and direct my sister through the game. If you think PLAYING FFMQ is bad, try doing it this way sometime. On a side note, it did work like a charm; we beat it in the evening the day after Christmas. Unfortunately, I had to go to my dad's friend's house that same day after, and got to sit in a thick cloud of cigarette smoke while this guy's kids and their cousin played through LttP.

Yes, I'm an idiot. Don't rub it in ^_^

Boingy, boingy!


Congratulations! You have won a life-supply of Metabo-Lard! Just fill out this very simple form, and we may or may not run away with your money to Guatemala. Even with the downfall of Emperor Mantazulaks army, we must still continue our journey to save the kidnapped princess by throwing her in a volcano. While we're at it, we should stop by a store and pick up more bricks. We have many more things to brea..I mean, build! On the boat, ironically christened the S.S. Disaster, we will sail the 9 seas in search of gold, chimpanzees, and shiny, shiny maidens. Then again, I could be lying and it could actually be the Love Boat. Either way, this is your Captain speaking, and we should be expecting some turbulence...of love. I can not say that I have any ill-willed feelings towards gaming-related Christmas doo-hickeys. No wait, (this is becoming a trend..) back in the day I really wanted Pokemon red, back in the day, but I didn't get it. Instead, I received "All-Star Baseball '99". So many years ago, and my how times have changed. Now, we don't have to litter through secret chambers in that secret corporation's ninja sea just to find a good nuclear explosive. Now, we have eBay! Such delicious delicious nuclear explosives. And you know what they say...alls well that gets blown up. If you'll excuse me..I'll have to "light" up Dubya's tree.

Where's the damn Merriment when I need to get drunk,

O' Shrouded One

I think you used it on that tree there... Booze is for drinkin', not for blowing junk up. Well, unless it's scotch or wine. Then you can throw it dramatically into any fire at your discretion for explosive results.

Oh my...

I really need help BIG TIME! a few days ago my idiot cousin(who is 6,by the way) went into my room and found my bookcase of games. he didn't know that these games were very precious to me but he grabbed, thinking they were frisbee-like toys and chucked them around the room. i wasn't home that day but when i came home i found shards all over my room. Shards of my xenogears, alundra, DWVII, FFAnthology,Chronicles, Valkryie Profile, Parasite Eve, DevilMayCry, and my all time favorite game, FFVII!!!!! i was so sad and pissed off!! i went to my aunt and told her what this lttle brat did and she said "i'm Sorry." I"M SORRY!?!?!??!?!? sorry's not gonna bring my games back! so now my hunt begins. i'm dedicating myself to find these games once again. I have already found FFVII and DMC, but i'm having serious trouble finding the other games. I know they hard-to-find games but i really want them. so my question is do you know where can i find these games? i already tried Gamestop and electronicsboutique. but they don't carry any in stock!! can you help me?

Man, I would throw a brick through that Aunt's window. Which is to say, Xenogears you can get for $16 on Amazon, I think, Alundra, DWVII, FFA, and PE belong in the "don't bother category", and VP is devilishly hard to find. DevilMayCry you should be able to find, since it was in pretty wide release, and I'm pretty sure FFC was just reissued. As for the rest, I'd suggest going online - it's the best place to find rare titles.

Boingy, boingy!

Dear Dr. Drew,

I can tell you're well read in assembly line fantasy books. So am I . I tell myself not to bother reading them, knowing full well that they will offer nothing original or worthwhile to the table, but read them anyway. And I have this habbit of reading the entire series of books if I finish the first one, no matter how bored or disgusted I was.

It seems that fthe average antasy and sci-fi author is perhaps the worse type of author in the world.(excluding all those love story paper backs they sell at drug stores). Sure there are great authors, (cough cough Vonnegut) but they are vastly out numbered by hacks who think that they should redo every classic story, but with an Elfin or Klingon Twist.

I dare you to read any Star Wars book not written by Zahn. I've tried and can't finish those. How many times can a "Superior races from the far ends of the galaxy threaten the fragile foundation of the New Republic?"

I quote the wise ODB when I say that they all need to "Shut the F#$^ up and shut the F#$^ up!"

That is all. Good day

Tad "Tad" Ghostal
I'm done ranting.
Tad Ghostal

The only way I will ever read a SW book besides the one my sister put in the bathroom is if I'm on a deserted island with only that book for company. As for the rest: look at the number of people who think Robert Jordan's writing is God's gift to humankind. When that type of market exists, why bother putting in effort while exploiting it?

I'm so happy!

"Off till Friday
I wonder if anyone reads this"

At times, but I do. :D



I apologize for the shortitude of this column, but I feel too awful to do much more. I promise, I'll print everything i get For Wednesday. For now, I am off to drown myself in a sea of heated citrus beverage. Yuck. Hopefully you will find Google in better health.
Andrew Long is feeling quite hum and blah.




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