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Andrew Long - December 17 '03- 01:27 Eastern Funk Time

WELL, NOT REALLY, BUT THE FACT REMAINS that Fawful is the best character EVAR. Not only is he the greatest flunky since that spineless flunky you all hate, but his lines are funny stuff, especially his speech during the last fight with him (I suppose you could count this as a spoiler, but he's every bit an obvious miniboss as was Bebop, or even Rocksteady, so you can also chew on lead.) I have now defeated the game, at any rate, and will now press forth (or perhaps "power", if you like) to finally take care of FFTA.

As I have allowed my friend to come over and delay this posting by four hours, I guess I'd better get on with it so I don't pass out halfway through. Don't worry - I promise, I'll be longwinded tomorrow, cuz you know, that's a good thing and all.



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About the Editor

W, 3-0 SO :D
If this keeps up
I'd better not die in June
Of course
I'd rather not die in any of the other months
Just yet.
Ah. my cat has joined me
How do bad guys with cats
Ever get anything done?
This left hand doesn't pay for itself
You know.

The first wishlist

Oi Castomel!

Christmas list ahoy! Something old, something new...

  • Zelda: Oracle of Seasons, Link's Awakening (GBC): I ended up buckling and subscribing to Nintendo Power to obtain the grail of the Zelda GC disk. Don't even care if I end up chucking the mag in a corner every month. Yep, the big N ain't stupid! Anyhow, these two Christmas list games would round out my collection of Zelda games, not that I've finished the ones I already have.
  • Monster Rancher 3 (PS2): I don't know if this game degenerates into the levelling-up boredom I found with the Pokemon games I've tried, but the whole idea of randomly generating creatures for your stable by using CDs and DVDs is pretty cool. And I've never played one of these before. And don't want to spend the money to buy one myself. Tch.
  • Spyro (various) for GBA: I just lurve the Insomniac PSX Spyro games, and from what I've read these don't suck, although being developed by a different team.
  • MGS for GBC: A MGS game rated "E." And my brother tells me it's good! So why not??

An MGS rated "E"? Not that I'm a big fan of the super-contrived drama of the other MGS titles, but with an E rating, what can he possibly be doing? Protecting a kindergarten classroom from those nasty fourth-graders?


  • Ratchet & Clank II: D'you ever get the notion that you and a particular development team are on the same wavelength? That's how I feel with Insomniac. They are the absolute best IMO at making games that make you feel really smart and cool when you figure out how to deal with a tricky problem after cursing over it for just the right amount of time. I'd have bought this outright if it hadn't come out in November...heh.
  • Prince of Persia: Reviews have given me to believe this is another ingenious action/platformer. I asked for it on GC, since I have this thing where I want to support GC third-party titles. I should've asked for Viewtiful Joe too, hmm? ^_^
  • Sword of Mana: Another one that came out very recently, and coincidentally during a longish (but now ended) streak of unemployment, thus making it perfect holiday list fodder.

    Yes. Take that list right back to wherever you wrote it, smack it with a big brick or maybe a teacup, and then spend the next week feeling guilty about it. Then burn it for optimal horror and then replace it with one containing Viewtiful Joe. The game will take a month or so: getting over the list, a lifetime!

    ...How's that for pointless anthromorphism?

    Off the subject, sorta, I cranked up Secret of Mana again after your Q&A topic on the Mana games last week, and got further with it. I am having a ball with Hero Bdanna (short for Bandanna) and the Sprite, Bubble (short for Bubbles). Although I get annoyed with the little guy when he gets stuck behind corners!

    Yes, about those corners... They just don't stop.

    Question: Do you play PC RPGs much? Ones that started as PC games I mean, not ones that come in the back door from somewhere else and are of dubious legality. I've just recently been introduced to Black Isle and Blizzard's stuff, and they're, to say the least, a change from Japanese-originated console games. The ones I've tried have taken some getting used to, stylistically and control-wise, but I'm definitely intrigued. I'm interested in knowing if you've delved into the realm of Western RPGs much, and if so, what you think of 'em.


    Tsk. If you'll bear with me half a tick, I'm going to go on as though people actually care about my topics. Right, then: Looks like your successful job hunting has robbed you of access to last week's topic, PC RPGs. Nevertheless, I'm so elated whenever people actually decide to play along that I'll cheerfully reavow my undying allegiance to Blizzard and its many fine products. As for other companies, Sierra's QfG series and some of the Ultima games tickle my fancy, so yes, while I have not delved, I have certainly chipped away at the chewy outer coating and then decided the sweet sugar mountains of Japan are preferable, ultimately.

    Ultima, ultimately... If I had a stupid blue parrot, he'd be saying "ultimately" is the word of the day right now! Kind of makes me wish I had a stupid blue parrot.


    Parrots say "squark!", you flea-ridden sack of feathers!


    Apparently my preconceptions of stupid blue parrots are grossly misinformed.

In the news today: NOTHING! WE HATE YOU! OHOHOHO

Hi there,

I was wandering about Final Fantasy XIIs battle system...For a start, how powerful can the characters get e.g. 9999 HP from FF1-9 or 99999 HP as in FF X. Also, is there still going be a summoner in the game and what are the creatures called? If you find any info on this I will be most grateful...TD

This kind of sounds like a question a stupid blue parrot might like to answer, but at risk of whipping him out prematurely, I'll try and field this one. For the eleventieth time, then: RPGamer posts news as soon as RPGamer is aware of news. RPGamer does not hide news and trade it with Internet pirates whose goal in life is to deprive inquisitive souls such as yourself of said news, because that would just be silly and anyways, no good can come of dealing with pirates unless they say "ARR!" a lot. As we have yet to encounter such an interweb pirate, I hereby assure you that if I knew the answers to your questions, they would already be making the rounds on index and the message boards, where I hear a whole lot of enlightened conversation goes on.

In fact, I really think you'd like it there. You might even find some rumours to your liking. No pirates, though. Rest assured, however, that the instant we find these crucial bits of information, they will be heading your way.


I'm ashamed to admit I have no current-gen console at the moment (on account of I have no smeggin' cash either). But given the reasonable price of the Gamecube at the moment, I think I might actually convince some relative or relatives to shell out for it this season. And I even get four Zelda games with it (well, three; I don't count Adventure of Link as either Zelda or playable, though that's just me). Anyway... *crosses his fingers* ChocoMog ZERO, who failing that still needs the latest from Pratchett, Jordan, Rowling, and Brust

You... don't count Adventure of Link as playable? I am afraid there is no help for your black soul, my friend. I do nonetheless bear great empathy towards my heathen brethren, and will therefore advise you that you are in dire straits indeed if you "need" Robert Jordan's writing to keep you going. Seriously, if you want bitchy ladies with magical powers, read Dune. If you want wolf-guys, read The Belgariad. If you want a lame fantasy story that ends with a terribly drawn-out final battle, read the Shannara series. If you want a tale of a stupid kid from a small town who makes it big-time as a wizard, we're back in Eddings territory. I could go on and on, but what I'm getting at is that Robert Jordan has NO ORIGINAL IDEAS WHATSOEVER. Sure he takes 800 pages or so each time he tries to come up with something, but he is the only author who has ever inspired me to tear a book in half before reaching the end, and believe me, I've read my share of trash.

Still, that's just my opinion, so if you want to go on poisoning your brain, be my guest.


Shut up, bird!

Mmmm... blinding red font


First of all, for Christmas, I want the (currently in development) Kingdom Hearts games. I hate cliffhangers, and I loved the first one. After that is world peace, then localized International/Last Mission/Final Mix Squenix games, and maybe a cat.

Beware, cats are fickle beasts. No sooner did I type that thing in the sidebar back there than did little TV here (he's black and white, HAW!) hop down and prance over to a random pair of pants covered in phone wires, where he promptly fell asleep. As for world peace, I'm sure Dubya will tell you that you're getting there, although that troublesome Osama fellow is still kicking around. Never fear, though: Terry Bradshaw is on the case! Who knows, maybe he'll hook up with OJ and get down to some real searchin'!


But most of all, I wish there was a punishment for people who talk during movies in the theater. The ones so loud you can hear what they're saying two rows ahead, that wont shut up no matter how many times someone else goes "Shhhh!!" or tells them to shut up. If I wanted to hear movie commentary, I'd watch MST3k, or listen to it on the DVDs.

How about annoying kids, who everytime the camera moves ask "IS HE DEAD NOW?" Any chance I had of enjoying FF:tSW, admittedly a dicey proposition at best, were forever stricken by that little trasheater.

The new Lord of the Rings movie is great, but if you go to see it, hope that you don't get surrounded by squealing Legolas fangirls.

Ugh. Does Orlando Bloom know no bounds? Having just sat through Pirates of the Carribean as failed sneakery aimed at getting my friend to go home so I could write this column, I've had more than my fill of that elf for one lifetime. Fortunately, Sir Ian McKellan seems to be his kryptonite, so perhaps if they can somehow be crammed into a meat locker together, the world will forever be freed of this menace.

Another list... I'm so happy!

Hey Andrew,

If you can get any of the things I want for Christmas, you are the best, but anyways, here is my list.

-Let me be a guest host.

We've been over this before...

  • Translated SNES or GBA sealed Tales of Phantasia(it's not translated, but if you can, you rule).
  • Girl of the age 13-18 with the size of Tifa's(I think everybody knows, but, what would my gf say).

Well, I could say something ribald here, but it'd be tasteless and you'd hate me forever, so I won't.
  • A non-scratched Persona.
  • A non-scratched Persona 2(both discs, no duh, of course).
  • A non-scratched Brigandine(why did I sell this game, I've been wanting it back ever since)
  • A non-scratched Suikoden 2(and this too, just this one pissed me off once I beat it, I still got the first)

What do you do, store your discs in a big drawer full of steel wool?
  • Arc the Lad anime series(set)
  • Wild ARMs anime series(set)
  • Cowboy Bebop anime series(set)
  • Evangelion anime series(set)
  • Lupin the 3rd anime series( of the biggest anime series ever)
  • Mobile Suit Gundam 0079(set)
  • Mobile Suit Gundam 0080(set)
  • Mobile Suit Gundam 0083(set)
  • Z Gundam(set)
  • ZZ Gundam(set)
  • Char's Counterattack
  • Gundam Wing(set)
  • Mobile Suit Gundam: One Year War(I think this is the name... PS2 game... hopefully released in the US).
  • Mobile Suit Gundam:AUEG vs. Titans(PS2 game)
  • Castlevania Dracula X(both SNES and PC versions, this should be considered first... well.. after the girl thing)
  • Every non US released Castlevania
  • Dragon Warrior 5 and 6(GBA rerelease.. not better graphics PS2 rerelease... man... everything is graphics now days... i swear non 3d graphics are going to be illegal one of these days....)

    Anyways, go make alot of money and get all this stuff for me.

    -andrew- -kupomogli-

    Suppose you gain that four pounds or something and get the money yourself instead :)

I wonder how long a list it would be if I jotted down all the crazy names you characters come up with

Captain Long of the Starship Castomel-

What do I want for Christmas? Simple. A comically small Santa suit for my gerbil Shamus, and a waffle iron. What more could a girl ask for?

Iunno... a stupid blue parrot, perhaps?


a cloud of blue feathers ensues

Nevermind, stick to gerbil suits. Oww. I wonder if that can be sewn back on...

Hmm, how about FFX-2, FFTA, Xenosaga, and all those other lovely games I haven't gotten my hands on because I am a poor college student? Man, I tells ya, I work for this here site and yet I don't play the newest of the new RPGoodness. Sigh and woe is I.

But really, if I could have just one hting this year, it would totally be that Santa suit. I mean come on! I could make millions making the gerbil ride around in a little sleigh and teach him to sing "Santa Clause Is Coming To Town" and - ah crap, they make those already. Damn singing gerbil toys, I shall rid the world of you yet!

- Quistis "Feel sorry for me- I'm working at a toy store during Christmas" Chick
P.S. My gerbil, however, would simply like to be able to chill out in his mini jacuzzi with some fly hamster/gerbil/chinchilla hunnies.

Well, if you want to borrow Xenosaga, I'm probably never going to play it again once I beat it.

Cliques du de Farnce (I'll have mine on the rocks, jimbo)


Time has slipped before my eyes. Tis the season for merriment, and by merriment I do mean the sale of pandas to illegal dancers in Bananaville, Ohio. I would include a story of the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I fear that will have to wait for another day, dear friend. The time for scheming has now ended, time for Holiday joy. And by Holiday Joy, I DO mean the eggnog served with a pint of intestine soy milk and vodka. Kingdom Hearts is definitely on my gift list as well as Xenogears. Even though the Greatest Hits came out a while ago, I can not find them in the stores. S-E is quite cunning in hiding them in their secret ninja lairs hidden secretly on the ocean floor belonging to a secret corporation. It is madness, I tell you, madness!! Mmmm..sugary topped butter ostriches. Life is life, what can I say more? 1 week and 1 day until you receive your gift. By which, it is coming along quite nicely I might add. I just need a fresh tonsil to use as a finishing touch.

Gotta keep the blood flowin...heh, blood,
O' Shrouded One

Seriously, no mummies!

Here's the one we've all been waiting for... Unfit for Print!

ok i'm in the prologue and i have the thing where you can see movies. well i'm having trouble finding one. its after "lucia's confusion" and before "lucia's reflection" or whatever its called. i need help finding it. no matter where i go i can't seem to get it. it has to be around gweyn's place but i don't know where. I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!! -Anonymous lover of Lunar

CAW! CAW!!!! CAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one

Hear my parrot? That's what this kind of question sounds like to me. I hate to do this, but I hate Lunar 2 even more, so: check an FAQ.

I'm at the end of Xenosaga and yet i'm rediculously low leveled and weak. What places could you suggest i go to level up quick (gameplay bieng as...exciting as it is)
~The untalented Bard

Again, another game I lack the mental fortitude to even contemplate finishing... If the gameplay sucks ass period, just hang around the last dungeon awhile. If you made it that far, you should be able to kill something, because no game made by people who work for or worked for Square will lack a disgustingly easy enemy in the last dungeon.

What's new with Xenosaga 2?,
after the Famitsu thing.

Avast ye me mateys! I still spies no Interweb pirates off the port bow, so unless I mistakes myself, NOTHING.

to the annoying lord of keys:
you've forgotten entirely about a master key that will open up all chests.

Well bless my soul, I do believe you're right! What a useful guy to have around.


I do hope all you fine souls who ask me questions like "WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT FFXII?" won't take my answers too hard and then never read this column again. I'd like to break it to you gently, except gently just means other people will keep asking. I guess what it all comes down to is that I should probably link Google's little FAQ listing in my own personal sidebar, so as to prevent these regrettable encounters. Lamentably, such a thing would require a less lazy, and much less tired man, than myself, and so it is with heavy eyelids that I must discard the notion for the time being.

For tomorrow, since I seem to be having some luck with this whole holiday goodness, let's share our finest tales of holiday videogame happiness. This will then be followed on friday by greatest holiday videogame disappointments. You can send both right now, but if it's a tale of woe, it shall not see the light of day until Friday.

And with that, I'm off to bed at... 7:18? Would you believe that's actually early as compared with my recent bedtimes? <.<
Andrew Long is even better than the real thing.



9 AM yesterday >_<

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