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The Same Thing We Do Every Night

Andrew Long - December 11 '03- 02:40 Eastern Standard Time

APPARENTLY, THERE ARE A FAIR NUMBER OF YOU, my beloved readers, with megalomaniac tendencies. There are an even greater number of you that will immediately fly to the aid of any game whose plot has been slightly misrepresented, at least in your eyes. To both those groups, I say: MIX! I will now take you like eggs and bacon and cram you into the same nutritious breakfast milkshake that might even be conducive to your continued survival (probably not, though...By drinking this milkshake you can become just the second person ever to experience four simultaneous heart attacks!) I may even alternate like that crazy current I used to lord it over during physics class.

I wonder what I ever got in OA Physics... I never did get my last report card. Oh, well, mysteries of life, I guess... Unless, of course, my old teacher is reading this and decides that it's worth the time to go rummaging. I sure hope he doesn't, I have a feeling it'll be depressing.



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@Minnesota tomorrow
Rain, rain
Go away
Or at least
Turn into dollar bills
And skittles
I haven't used a dollar bill since I was 6
It'll be a nice change

Some pleasantness to start your day

Who the hell said Soul Calibur 2 was glitchy? God, I hate stupid people...your attack doesn't hit and you assume it's a bug. And oh man, I just can't WAIT for Karaoke Revolution to arrive. = D

- Feep "Is it keesh? Keiche? Queesh? Quiche? DAMMIT!"

Thanks for sharing, friendly. Incidentally, if you're having trouble with quiche, I'm not so sure you're ready for the big leagues of karaoke - I hear songs contain an awful lot of words, many with more than one syllable.

That sounds too much like cholera...


Another day beckons the coming of more and more in the future. With quickies behind us, we must raise our fists in the air for another increase in the production of squash hand picked by prostitutes. Cause nothing says, "I'm drug free!", like produce picked by the prosthetic of all prostitutes. And that's why, dear children, you must not take bribes from senators or legislative officials, you must promptly smack them with a pan, then alert OJ Simpson immediately. World domination, another perfect topic. Muahahahaha! First, I would as always demand that all shall be my slave and slave in my honor. Of course, I could not rule by myself. You, Castorina, will be my right-hand man. (or woman if you prefer) Together, we shall make the people suffer by inflicting merciless, merciless plagues, and monsters to wreck havoc on all. We shall steal infants, murder farmers, sacrifice opposing citizens and make merry with the maidens. Where did I come up with such a scheme? The answer is here my light-hearted friend, a step-by-step guide to ruling the world. Together, we shall finally break the demon seal and unleash all the demon monkeys for that is what villains do. Tomorrow is yet...another day.

Another time, another world, another place...same old Shroudie,

O' Shrouded One

Thank you. It always rejuvenates my faith in humanity to know that there are still people out there who believe that the world began 4000 years ago on October the 17th strictly because a monk said so a few hundred years ago. This kind of situation is tailor-made for peddling little gems of my own like "I am likeable" and "sending me money would be a great idea". Also, the sun rotates around the earth and there is a Great Chain of Being! Now get out of my sight, peasants. Your very presence taints my soul.

Helpfulness abounds

To the person asking about the AOL station, you click radio from the main screen, and then scroll down the menu until you see Soundtracks and More. It's in there, in between Comedy Corner and Gay Pride. They play too much FFXI and nothing from any game before FFVII.

Hmm... does this mean that AOL thinks Final Fantasy is a spin-off of Will and Grace?
I fear playing FFX-2 because my favorite character is gone and the thought of facing an FFX based game without...said character in question... and dealing only the annoying ones makes me want to cry. Do you think I should try to get over this irrational fear and just sit back, enjoy some mind numbing mini games and then read some bad fanfiction? Whatever you say, I'm sure my monkeys will agree with. The spoiler monkeys are hounding me.. trying to get me to say things that can't be said. They want me to call you Andy! Make them stop! ARGH!!

They have already been shot and rendered into my sweet sweet homebrewed polio vaccine, which may or may not cause Hepatitis C. As for the fairytale death of everyone's favorite character (at least, I assume he's everyone's favorite character, cuz the rest of them sure don't have much going for them), just be glad that there aren't fifty sites popping up around the internet professing to have secret methods of reviving him. I think Square may have finally figured out that if you save the character deaths for later, people won't get quite so pissed off.

Another Ann Landers wannabe

FFX-2 does essentially have three endings, or well, a short one, one with an extra scene, and one with an extra scene beyond that.

There are five key events in the game you have to complete in order to see the first extra scene, and those are relatively painless. (Some of them, you'd probably end up doing anyway). I'll try to describe without spoiling anything.
1. In Chapter 3, you must meet Maechen in Guadosalam. Explore the Leblanc mansion to trigger this event.
2. At the end of chapter 3, there will be a scene where Yuna is alone in a dark place with light shining down on her. Press X several times to whistle. A ghostly figure will lead you out if you do this.
3. Flag off the first season of Blitzball in Chapter 5. (I don't believe it is necessary to actually play). Then go to the area in Luca just south of the Mii'hen Highroad to trigger a story event.
4. Visit the village on Besaid Island to trigger a story event involving Wakka and Lulu. If you're at this point in the game, you'll know what I'm talking about.
5. After defeating the last boss, when you return to the flowered area (you will have been there a few times already by this point), press X again until a familiar "character" appears. Say "yes" to his question if you want to see the first extra scene, which will play after the credits complete.

As for the other extra scene, you must get 100% story completion, which I doubt I'll ever achieve with my backlog of games. Anyway, that's how it breaks down. I highly recommend getting at least the first extra scene. It makes for a more satisfying ending.


Thanks for sharing, Nwash. I especially appreciate your lack of spoiling.

I've got a pain in me gulliver!

Taking over the world? That's easy. The key lies in overpopulation i.e impregnate every female on earth who has come of age( this may require a bit of charm but there's plenty of that where this came from). The offspring will in turn be loyal to their mighty, and handsome, father thus obeying your every command. Tada, problem solved. You, of course, have to keep breeding to keep your power. This unfortunately means having to have sex with your own kids and is the reason I haven't made this plan reality.

Thank you you for reading my silly, stupid and ill-planned plan. Merry christmas.
Deathrace 1942

And a happy New Year to you. Have you been haunted by Jonathan Swift?

A perfect scheme...except for a little thing I like to call the swimsuit competition

Greetings Castomel

Ha! I'm glad that my idea became one of your topics. I'm honored. Actually, I'm aspiring to become the Overlord of the world someday, and I figured it wouldn't hurt to read some advice from fellow readers. But to be fair, I figured I'd tell you my plans so far of taking over the world. Well, some of my plans. Wouldn't want to give any potential rivals any edges... *looks around suspiciously*

First and foremost, before I even begin my conquest, I'll first figure out the secrets to immortality and invincibility. That way, I'll have all the time in the world to plot and scheme, and should I ever fail in my attempts, I could wait a few decades and try again under a different identity.

Once that's taken care of, I'll begin building my evil empire, which I'll name my Legions of Terror. I'll begin a journey hiring new recruits, gaining funds, and hopefully find some cool mystical powers, time machines, lost technology of unimaginable power, some kind of Doomsday device able to cause mass destruction on the world, and other things a growing empire needs. I'll filter out my trusted men from the back-stabbers by keeping my immortality secret. That way, should anyone decide to turn on me and kill me, they'll be pleasantly surprised that they can't, and I'll get rid of them in the most unpleasant fashions (like having an open tube of flesh-eating gnats shoved up their butt and being eaten from the inside out...not only does this take care of the traitors, but it also persuades others from following in the traitors' footsteps). Yes, I'm going to rule with a fist of fear. That'll be a whole lot easier than trying to be kind or cruel to my followers...

With luck, my Legions of Terror will grow to a sizable army and my sought-after funds will make me a rather wealthy man. By then, I'd be able to fund and use the powers of Science and create all kinds of Chaos. Messing with genetics could yield results like three-eyed ferret-dragon crossbreeds and rabid Furbies. And of course technology itself shall give me the army of moon-powered cyborgs that no evil army can do without.

Once my Legions of Terror is powerful enough, I will strike out into the world's nations with all my power and monstrosities and unleash chaos throughout the world. During this time of chaos, I shall establish myself as Overlord of the world and rename the planet "All Mine" (ingenious, isn't it?). Of course, by that time, heroes destined to stop my plans for world domination should start emerging from their little villages. In order to stop that, I'll send high-leveled monsters to all the small villages with weak monsters (wouldn't want the heroes to steadily build their levels, right?), and whenever I hear that one of my lesser-lords have been defeated by a party of unlikely heroes, I'll send my most powerful of my Legions to bring them to me and I'll personally kill them (if RPG's have taught us anything, it's that you can never be sure if someone's dead unless you see it personally, and even then you still can't be sure). Even though I'm immortal, heroes always find a way to stop unbeatable bosses.

Oh, and if by any chance there appears an item that can somehow stop me, I have a plan to get rid of that as well. It'll probably be indestructible, and no matter where I hide it, the hero will probably find it, so instead I'll but it in a chest and lock it. The only key that can unlock that chest I shall put in another locked chest, and lock that chest's key in the original chest, therefore making sure the two chests can never be opened (another thing that RPG's have taught us is that chest are indestructible, unless you open it, in which it may disappear on it's own).

I could go on and on, but I think I've ranted enough for the night.

Until next time, Lord of Chaos, the Future Overlord of the"All Mine"

Hmm...So wait a second. If you lock the first chest, how are you going to get the second key inside? How will you get it inside? You'd better work on that, because otherwise a hero is liable to wander along, point out the inherent fallacy, and watch you wink out of existence in a tremendous puff of logic.

A tragic flaw

If I were a villain...heck yeah, I'd be cautious if I some young upstart was going around performing such arrogant and evil deeds as "Rescuing People" and "Stopping Monsters." I'd sent some minor flunkees after him/her at first - ya know, sizing him/her up, to see if s/he was worth my time. If s/he was in fact worth the effort of moving out of my jewel-encrusted throne and actually organizing an effort against this hero. I'd send some of my major demon followers out after them (In the process eliminating those who were looking to overthrow me), appearing for a few minutes' dialog after the fight to talk about how great and powerful I am and how the by-then hero(ine) would be best off returning to their backwater town and raising kids with the supporting (fe)male character. Or offer them a chance to join with me and control the universe through the awesome might of my Super-Duper Powers of Doom and Despair, which were created by SUPREME BEINGS of ultimate power, and then lost for five and a half millenia before they were found and studied by myself.

If the hero(ine) was unwilling to join my Unholy Leigons, I would then proceed to start eliminating their friends and family, and then progress up to towns until they came and confronted me at my Dark Palace behind some mountains and in a valley near a volcano, or entrance to the deepest hells of the very planet itself, or something like that. However, if they joined for some noble reason like 'saving the world' I would then proceed to make them my General/consort and rule the world with my awe-inspiring psionic powers of Mind Control and force the populace to obey my will.

That's probably not really an answer to what you asked...but it's freezing in here and my fingers and head hurt. So that's all you're getting until I can sit down with the triumvirate of the Lady of Poison and divine my next move. Until then -

S. Netzach
"They built a snowman in San Fransisco. The world is ending!"

Hmm, if they could build a snowman, you had packing snow, my fainthearted friend, which means it wasn't THAT cold at all. I therefore suggest making sure that you opt for "Volcano" instead of "Ominous Glacier", because you're obviously too accustomed to sunny skies and cerulean beaches, with pan flute and violin accompaniment. Actually, that sounds suspiciously like you're a hero...

There's only one way to take over the world--random encounters. Lots and lots of Beyond the Beyond-caliber random encounters.

If that were actually the case I rather imagine there wouldn't be nearly as many people after power as there are right now.


Well, there you have it - a couple of halfassed schemes doomed to failure - speaking of which, it seems Black Isle has been gutted by its parent corporation Interplay. For tomorrow, let us share fond memories of Baldur's Gate and Fallout, by which I mean you share them with me, since I've never played either series. Also, I guess it's as good a time as any to ask: anybody secretly love playing PC RPGs?
Andrew Long still wishes Ultima VIII wasn't so buggy - maybe then he could have finished it



cursed pyromancy...

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