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FFXII Day

Andrew Long - November 19 '03- 01:22 Eastern Daylight-Savings Time

TODAY IS THE DAY SQUARE ENIX RELEASES ALL ITS PRETTY PICTURES AND OFFICIAL INFORMATION on its latest orgiastic display of videogame prowess, and boy oh boy does it look impressive. In fact, they even used the real prelude on the FF12 website, which is enough to make me happy and sure that the game will be fantastic which is probably a really shallow reason for deciding that sort of thing, but I never pretended to be deep, except that one time when I made that update with all the Haiku which are the official poem of pretension, save of course for the entire portfolio of e e cummings and his precious universes next door.

But let this not concern us, my friends, for I have a tale of unspeakable woe to impart before we all go gung-ho and full guns blazing on FFXII and how very sexy it looks. For there are those games out there that are anything but, and it is my misfortune to be playing one such game. I shall end the suspense with the following line of dialogue, taken source-direct from the sludgepile the kids call "Onimusha Tactics":

"The spirit of destiny flowed into Ageha"
Onimaru: "so Ageha was the person of destiny"
Ageha: "So I was the person of destiny..."

You just can't make this crap up. There's much worse about the game, of course, but that'll have to wait until I review this steaming bit of offal, which shall be soon, I promise - I'm not wasting any time in their precious Shadow Land or whatever it's called because it's utterly pointless, and I certainly don't plan to savour any of the battles.

There. That feels better.





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I'm assuming by Manitoba he means Ontario...


Hey Andrew, not sure where in Manitoba you live, but if you're anywhere near Winnipeg, Future Shop near Polo Park is selling (!) the Zelda Collection disc for $30. Avoids any subscription hassle, and any waiting. Provided they still have some. They had quite a few left when I got mine on Friday.

-Muz

ANDREW
Quite a few, eh? Well, I don't live anywhere in Manitoba but if you'd like to be supergreat, pick up an extra copy, and trade me for a money order I would kick rudy out of the games-for-hosting chain since he's done after this week anyway and start you up next week. Just think - a free game and all you have to do is go on down to Polo Park. And then of course you also get to answer questions with me, which after Amnesty International stepped in last week even isn't exquisite torture!

If we were on Law & Order, your lawyer would be saying "Take the deal, Muz... And seriously, tell me your real name - I feel like a jackass calling you this." Those lawyers know what they're talking about, guy. Anyways, email me back ASAP if you're interested in my cunning plan.


Definitely Unsolicited


Hey Andrew, how goes it?

Well, if there's a chance to open my mouth and blurt out random and quite useless opinions, I'm there! Let's see, the Final Fantasy 12 character art...

Now, I know you shouldn't judge a book, er, game, by its cover, er, character art, but that's besides the point as of right now.

Van- Eh... I didn't know Paine had such a manly chest. Okay, okay, I know it's s guy and a muscular one at that, but his face is rather... well... he looks like a nine year old girl. Now, maybe he has a pituitary gland disorder that made his body develop but his face stay the same since birth. And who am I to judge him by that? Oh, and it makes SO much sense for him to have shin guards to dodge sword attacks and what not, while his chest is exposed to the elements of DEATH!!1!1! Ahem.

Ashe- Must...control...urge...to...burn...bra... Argh! Feminism in DEAD. What is with that skirt! Slut!! Hmmm... actually, it doesn't bother me. I mean, come on. It's fan service at its finest. And after seeing Yuna's new outfit, nothing will faze me.

So, there are my irrelevent opinions. I'm sure they will shange as time goes on, if only so I may shout them out at random. -

Quistis Chick, the SEXY Newsie ^_~

ANDREW
Perhaps he's some sort of crazy freak that has all his internal organs in his legs. After all, grasshoppers hear through their knees according to somebody or other, so it's not unprecedented in nature. In practice, of course, it's pretty stupid-looking, but then, who really believes a bracelet has the power to protect a full-grown person from all harm besides the good people of FFVII, VIII, and X?


Now how did this escape being UfP? Oh, right... the other stupid letter


Is it TRUE!!! Are they really making a new Chrono Trigger? and is it really going to be called Chrono Couch. That's just a really dumb name. I liked Chrono Break way better. I hope they change the name, cuz that one sucks. They should call it Chrono Ninja, or Ultra Chrono 5000 or something cool like that. ;)

Eggman

ANDREW
I've seen meteors to the face more subtle than you, my friend. I hope some unfriendly soldiers stick you on a wall and then fail to put you together again when you FALL TO YOUR DOOM!


Out of the frying pan and into the fire


"I hope lunar 3 comes out soon, so WD can release it 20 times across 3 systems. Honestly, why don't they get any flak for rereleasing the same damn game so many times? "

They probably don't get any flak because they've only rereleased the Lunar games once, quite a long time after they originally translated them on a system that very few people ever played.

-Humongous-

ANDREW
Forgive my inaccuracy: while the Lunar games have been rereleased on the Sega Saturn, Game Boy Advance, the PC, and the PlayStation, it is only the PlayStation versions in which WD had a hand. Let me therefore rephrase what I said last week: "I hate Lunar." While we're on the subject of Saturn remakes mysteriously finding their way to the PlayStation, why wasn't the PSX SotN as good as the Saturn version?

Finally, why do you lack the ability to detect hyperbole? Do you really think I thought the games have been released twenty stinking times? If that were the case I rather imagine I'd have issued a good deal many more death threats than I have at this point. Oh, wait... You were being a smartass. Well, don't think you can get away with that around here! Only I may crack wise!


So anyway


Andrew,

At this very moment in time, me and my caged Google are heading south to the border. Yes my friend, me and Google are living the high life (well me) and selling illegal pickle vodka to all the little Mexican children. After dark, and liquor sale is illegal, Google will dance to rake in the money. Oh yes, Google can do a shexy flamenco in a sombrero on a whim! After we buy 2 chimpanzees, we're headed for Sweden!! FFXII, the male hero looks kinda....childish. Maybe it's a little to early to make accusations...oh well, I like making harsh and crude criticism so what the heck! It seems Google's getting a little hungry, time to throw him another little girl!! We'll be sure to send you souvenirs of our fun trip. Google says, "Mmmmfmmmfgh!!", from the box.

Tomorrow will bring in more money,

O' Shrouded One

ANDREW
Actually, tomorrow won't bring me any money. Instead, it will bring pain, horrible horrible pain. But more on that later.


Caveat emptor and all that jazz


Andrew! Good man!

I thought i'd share a story with you. It's short. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I found a copy of NES Dragon Warrior 4 on sale on ebgames.com. Naturally, having looked for a non-ebay way to obtain this game for more-or-less 6 years, I snatched it up the second I saw it.

Here I stand 2 weeks later, 40 dollars poorer, and still without so much as a notice of "Whoops you got beat" or "we were kidding, no one buys our NES games online since the S&H is normally 4 times the game price so we put that one on there to confuse people" or any of that. It is depressing, and now I can't afford the rest of the money on my Mario Kart.

Would this infuriate you? Would EBGames' support staff's answer of "Shipping times vary" drive you to homicide?

Is the murder I plan to commit justified?

-Doby

ANDREW
Well, my legal team has advised me to state that no murder can be justified unless they happen to be backing you up in court, so I wouldn't recommend it. Nevertheless, I can see how that would send you into a fog of hatred. How exactly did you pay them, anyway? Assuming EBGames doesn't have some sort of All Sales Final policy that you unwittingly signed to before placing your order, maybe you can call your credit card company and cry to them. If you paid by money order, the solution is simplicity in itself - cancel the damned thing and tell EB to shove it. DW4 may be a collectible gem, but no collectible gem is worth that sort of corporate malfeasance.


Ah, here we are... This is the real deal - definitely Unfit for Print


so u know a lot about pc and play stations games very good to hear.

i was very curious as to when the 12 final fantasy is to hit the shelves baecause i am not very excited for x-2 looks hurting and wut is ten number two really about is it the reunion of tidus and yuna or something if u cant awser i understand and i thank u.

ANDREW
I would be able to answer with something along the lines of "S-E hasn't set a date yet" but instead I must regrettably respond with the much less congenial "LEARN HOW TO TYPE YOU BRAINDEAD COMPUTER MONKEY!"


YOU 'DREW
QUICKIE I
Who's hosting tomorrow?

-tuinte

Andrew:
Now why would you go and ask a question you already know the answer to?



DA LAST GRUMBLE

Yep, it's him. As I may have mentioned earlier, I'll be going into the ol' outpatient ward for some good old minor and blindingly painful surgery, the details of which are probably not worth describing here. Seeing as how I expect to be in moderate agony tomorrow, I'm handing off the duties to tuinte, our resident aficianado of all things film. He likes Magnolia, The Godfather, and... Babe. I guess we all can't be 100%, eh? Anyhow, he's also a big fan of FFVII and while I would encourage RPG-related letters he'll probably have my head if you don't at least mention films in your letters, so feel free, while you're gushing about FFXII (or not) to mention something about the good old movin' pictures.

castomel@rpgamer.com
Andrew Long is probably making too big a deal of this, but oh well.

TUI'LL PROVIDE THE ANSWERS, YOU PROVIDE THE

QUESTIONS


Hint: Freeze cut cut, dig dig, scrape scrape, OWOWOWOW



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