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Erudite Turkey Feast

Andrew Long - November 14 '03- 03:33 Eastern Daylight-Savings Time

IT SEEMS AS THOUGH MOTHER NATURE has decided to get even with North America for all that smog we blow in her face every year and like any good ice queen she's scattered frosty glares from LA all the way to Nova Scotia where I hear the mountains dark and drear-y be. In my particular neck of the woods, where "talking aboot the weather" ranks second only to "hockey" as the sport of choice, we were treated to a wide array of malevolence from above, be it in the form of whipping winds, whipping winds with shards of ice, or whipping winds with metre-long wood spikes.

In the midst of this tempestuous orgy of meteorological petulance, I had to venture outdoors not once, but twice, defying my trollish predelictions in favour of food and shelter. During this time, it seems rudy came and went, taking with him all mention of the word Rhapsody. And now that I've destroyed his replacement's introduction, here he is... fake Rudy!!!!

Fake Rudy

Hi my name is Rudy and I like Rhapsody! I wish there was a sequel.... GAh! I can't fake it. Andrew wanted me to be his stand in Rudy, but I just couldn't do it. Who knew blackmail could be so persasive? Damn those secret spy <DELETEDBYRPGAMERTHOUGHTPOLICE> , who knew they saw all that?

Anyway I here to help Andrew out. Be sure to see my new guides update later today (sometime after 6pm cst). Which has some interesting surprises!

Andrew you ready? Let's Get it on.



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About the Editor

Off today
Snow sucks
I'm cold
Misery abounds
See if I go on at length here

There is no RPGamer Thought Police.
It is all just a joke.
Go back to sleep.
Everything is doubleplus good.
Sweet Dreams is watching over you.

And now, at random:

In your mind, which Lufia game was better, the first or second. The third easily lost it and the fourth was actually alright, although it was a little too easy. I am not sure which one would win this battle. Lufia 1 was the first, with the story and the difficulty and the fluid play. It kept me interested ever since I first played the game. The second one was awesome because of the new look/graphics and the way it flowed so well with the first. The stories in these games were the best ever, of course Chrono Trigger might beat them with the story line. And why did they not expand on the actual story of Chrono Trigger rather than introducing parallel dimensions and all that other crap. I miss it :(

I really hope Chrono Break continues on with Chrono's story rather than Serge's :)

I've heard good things about the second one. I will say the first one though, only because that is the one I have played. So NAH! And everyone knows Chrono Break will be a mix of the SaGa games and Chrono games, why? Because Square-enix likes to see you cry and enjoys your tears.


The part I like here is how you're both assuming Chrono Break even exists. It's a TRADEMARK, people. I could go out and TMify Chrono Couch if I wanted to. I bet I could start some pretty good rumours too, as long as I legally changed my name to Mr. Square Enix and got myself a really badly made website.

Why yes, yes I do.. especially 98-pound weaklings!

One day, aftering I finished my taxes and took a delightful bath, the following events happened very near my computer...

You: "I was very embittered when my cousin puked all over my copy, which I nevertheless kept after it was dried and cleaned for some reason because it had a mini-preview of MARIO 3 and even slightly inaccurate tips for Zelda!"

Me: "Hahahaha! Man, this kid so funny! I bet he's so crazy he kicks sand in peoples' faces!!"

Ghost of Christmas: "I wish Christmas wasn't so commercialized! Whatever happened to values in our society?!?!"

Me: "Shut up Ghost of Christmas, and buy some stupid over-priced item that I'll forget about in a year! I don't want you to really show you love me, but bake me tons of delicous food!"

Ghost of Christmas: "EARTHBOUND RULES!"

Written by - Dr. Rebbie (with props to Andrew Long and Ghost of Christmas)

I hope you showed that Ghost who was boss, man. Earthbound definitely isn't a high-priced holiday item, nor is it sumptuous holiday food like those delicious little cameroons my grandma makes with tiny marshmallows or nanimo bars or mmm.... Christmas...

Good luck comes to those who wait

Lucky numbers 4-9-22-33-12-7

Echoes fade you freak!

Castoooo and rudyxxxxxxx (echo in the distance),

Castoooo and rudyxxxxxxx (echo in the distance),

1. I can't lie and say that the PS was my first system, even for the sake of this letter getting printed. However, if I were to attribute the Playstation as my first dominant gaming console, then I can apply to that section of society. The Playstation was really the first system that dragged me, hand and foot bound, into the gaming and RPG world. My first system was the NES, but the Playstation was the first console to have some effective dominance on my life, so maybe I can call it my first "Gaming system". Or maybe my logic and brain power just sucks. Go figure.

2. I'm quite surprised that you have yet to finish Disgaea. I mean, you really dont HAVE to do every darn thing in that game, since it could very well last you a few months, and in retrospect Disgeaea to me can be finished faster than most RPG's. If you go through it at top playing speed that is. I'm just hoping that the reason you haven't finished it isn't because you keep starring at Etna's improperly clothed body.

3. And you really should get to go and play Suikoden 3. The game's pretty rare now, and having an unplayed copy sitting in your house is a travesty to those who want to play it. A TRAVESTY I SAY!!

4. I'm left to wonder why rudy isn't at the channel anymore. Not having him there really kills some of the conversation, and now we have no one to make fun of! But I'm one to talk, since I haven't been there recently myself. =P

MeoTwister5 -- Gabe "Castomel's rudy's sidekick" Ang

I'm wondering where rudy is myself. I can only assume he's gone off to some sort of dwarf-tossing event, which is for some reason still legal around here despite the vehement protestations of various throbbingly voiced and hearted activists who are convinced they know what's best for the little people involved (who literally don't give a flying fluck themselves).

I tried to read this, believe me, I tried. All I saw "BlahblahblahblahI'mamoronYackitysmackityblah." Just because I said I would help Andrew out with Q&A doesn't mean I would actually answer questions. I'm hateful like that.

It's true, he stole my lunch money yesterday after he said he'd use it to get me some medicine which I need to live.

At least you aren't Lordbrian, who I hate like no other, he is now locked within coffin inside a cement block, he has only 2 hours left of air and a little chisel to get himself out with. I'm sure he'll be fine. And all he did was look at me cross.

Sure thing, Stalin...

Fluck is SO a word.. even if I just made it up.


Just wondering if you planned on playing Fire Emblem, if you haven't already.

To the guy who said that the new FE is easy and the story sucks. First off, for anyone else, that's just this game and the previous GBA game. The previous games on the Super Famicom hard better AI and overall difficulty. The story in those games are also really good.

From what I've played and heard the GBA games are ten times easier. I have problems starting with the fourth or so level in the fifth FE game, which was on Super Famicom. But I have no problems getting to the 14 level of the first GBA FE, which was where I stopped.

But I believe in the first GBA FE, after you beat the game you can play on a harder difficulty, so who knows if it offers a challenge.

Basically you can blame the difficulty and the story on the fact that Nintendo probably wanted this series to sell in the US. Honestly, I think if some of the previous games got released here, especially the fifth one, people would complain about it's difficulty. Not all people, but the more casual gamers who want to play a game without being stressed or angry. Hopefully with this entry into the US, future FE's will be harder.

And I use to get Nintendo Power too, but stopped at the time right before the GBA got released. For a couple years before that it just didn't interest me anymore either, but I hoped it would get better. It was cool before that, especially with it's Epic Center, which was for RPGs. It was especially cool when they covered Japanese games, like Tactics Ogre and Fire Emblem 4. When did you stop getting? And what do you actually remember? I believe I finally started getting the magazine when Breath of Fire 2 first came out. By then the magazine was real nice and had lots of stuff in it, especially on RPGs. I've known about the magazine for years since there was always a slip with the games you got.

Anyway, it would be cool to have the first two games, because I never owned a Nintendo. But do I need three copies of Ocarina of Time, and a second of Majora's Mask? I bet this will not be the last time we'll have a chance to get copies of these games. It might not be soon but it will eventually happen, and possibly with graphic upgrades. I was thinking about subscribing again to get the disc, but I really don't have the money or the time to even enjoy the games.

At least the disc is really in the end just a bonus. At least they aren't selling it as a 45 dollar game.

Tristan Aenslen

Are you suggesting Square Enix is evil or something? ^^ Also, what is it with guys named Tristan and FE? Over the past few years this dude named Tristan Adnade (who may or may not be you, I don't know) emailed me without fail to point out niggling mistakes in every single freaking FE article I have ever posted. It was like clockwork: finish the story one night and wake up to an indigo-fonted email of death the next morning. Thanks for the deja vu you astrojerk!

Oh, and finally: as I mentioned in my NEVER-BEFORE RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC response to you last night, you can't trust kupomogli's opinions on games because he hates every game that is good and holy.


Yes, God forbid I play a game to have fun and relax! Hurt me more daddy, yes abuse me with enemy encounters! Nintendo Power was good before the N64 came out, after that I avoided it since I didn't get a N64. Also around that time I started using the internet near fulltime. Ah, has it been that long since I meet my one true love? Internet, have I told you how much I love you recently, because I do.

After all, craptastic didn't exist before someone crammed them together

Hey Andrew,

Actually, I only have one copy of Shadow Madness. It's just that I've played the game already, and I've never opened the copy I got, but I said Shadow Madness or an unopened copy of Shadow Madness, well, actually, I don't know why. Maybe I meant to say another game, because Shadow Madness is one of those games Squaresoft can make if they put their heart into it, which means that, the game is way better than any recent games they've made, even with the ridiculous story.

So, anyways, the one guy said that Final Fantasy Anthology is said to not work properly on the PS2. Why doesn't it work properly, because I haven't played the two games on the PS2 at all, because I've did everything on them when I still owned the PSX.

Also, for your information, that's the exact reason that I don't ever get greatest hits games, other than the fact that the Final Fantasy games I get will never be greatest hits because I purchase them as soon as they come out, seeing as how I own everyone, it gets in my mind, it's like, yes, yes, I know I'll hate myself, but I have the entire series, and collecting all the games. But yes, if I had a game for greatest hits, I'd sit there while playing, and if it's a PSX game I'd most likely see it due to the fact that my parents bought me this one thing you can spin around, and so I'd have it spun on the same side to take the game off, and I'd keep glancing at the box, and being like, "da**, it's greatest hits." And when I take out the CD I'd be like, "da**, not the original cd cover, greatest hits, this sucks."

But then when I take into the fact the fact that I own FF Origins as well as the original, I go, "da**, why the hell did they ruin FF, and FF2, I hate FF2." So all of this stuff is in my mind when I'm playing, then I just happen to go into a mental breakdown and kill people in the name of Final Fantasy 1-6(except for 2) and then thinking in my head, "yeah, now they'll make another good FF for sure," except for the fact that I get arrested, for killing people, and then they decide to use the electric chair, and they put it on me 27 times but it still doesn't work, and I'm thinking, "AHHHHH, IT HURTS!!!." And then I wake up, and then I'm thinking, "Whew, it was a dream," but then, I see my games when I get up and see the green border, and then I'm like, "da**, greatest hits, this sucks."

But then I'm all better, but that would be what I do if I owned a copy of greatest hits.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

You know, it's okay if you say "darn" in this column. I'm sure the little boys and girls won't be offended.


There was a production error on the first few runs of the FFA. If my brain hasn't failed me. And since I am still getting radio signals from mars, it seems to be still working!

Also: Seek help. The men in white love you and want to help.

So really, you could consider me a hero

Well, after reading the Letters Column, I suddenly had a random thought about old video game commercials.

...yeah...most of them sucked. I mean, what the hell is this?

A couple of them did shine, though. Do you remember the Final Fantasy VI commercial, where Mog was taking job interviews? That entertained me for about six seconds more than any other commercial of that day.

I also don't recall ever seeing any commercials for Chrono Trigger...that's the strangest thing...

But now for the real point and question of this letter - did you ever see the Secret of Mana commercial? I recall it being a very dramatic anime scene with some snooty accented narrator...though I can't find it anywhere. Maybe there's a Nintendo commercial repository on the Eeenternet somewhere...

- Sqrfrk

I don't know what scares me more, the fact that I remember that commercial or the Super Theta Chi Brothers. As for the rest of that advertising, it came during a period when I wasn't allowed to watch much TV since my mom operated on the theory that TV.. something. Brain. Work melt glub. Entertain!

I remember the Chrono Trigger Commercial. It was a crazy one. But Video Game advertising has always been lame. Anyone remember the old zelda commercial with guy looking for zelda?

It scarred me for life, so yes, yes I do.

Perhaps even an American hero!

Hey, Andrew, Rudy, WHOEVER?!

The playstation was not actually my first console, the Sega Saturn was. Now my dad decided one day back in 96 to trade it in, being only 7 years old then, i was not much paid attention to when it came to 300 buck game consoles. I distincly remember wanting a N64 so badly, but instead, i got a playstation. I never really got into it until 1997, now we ALL remember that year. I was checkin out a gaming magazine and i stumbled upon "Final Fantasy VII". I thought it was pretty sweet lookin so i ended up buying it......and those were some of the finest moments ever....yup, playstation was one of my best friends from there on.

Good times....

Thanks for sharing, Ben. I also saw FFVII in a VG magazine for the first time, although for the life of me I can't exactly remember which one it was. Then I saw the commercial and immediately set to drooling all over things. That really irritated my parents, as I recall.

God this makes me feel old. I remember when my parents brought the Atari home the first time...

And I remember hearing about FF7 when they did the test of the 3-d engine with the FF6 characters. This was before they decided to go to the PSX.

Well, okay, not so much American

Are you excited to see what our pals (or no?) at Square have come up with regarding FF12? What do you think the character images will look like? And the overall look of it. It's only about a week away now until that conference takes place. It shall be interesting. We haven't gotten a real FF game since 10.

Another question; this is for you rudy: Since I didn't bother throwing a question over to you last time, it's due. What did you think of Breath of Fire 5? It looks way different than BoF4, but I don't know how it plays exactly.

The tired, tired guy with many games to play,


Gee, you make it sound like 10 was so very long ago. Moreover, you make it sound like "Real FF Game" means anything anymore. Let's face it - there is no such thing, since it's a definition that changes every few years with each new entry. For instance, when FF7 was in its heyday, you had oldschoolers grumbling about how real FFs involve pure fantasy settings and evil empires. FF8 brought about more of the same, except now people included FF7 with 4 and 6. Then we were hit with a wave of mediocrity that encompassed 5, 9, and 2 in their North American debuts and for some reason a lot of people don't like 10 either, leaving the definition of "real FF" in some real disarray. Face it - just because you don't like a particular Final Fantasy title doesn't mean you can dismiss it outright - I hated FF2 and FF5, but without them we never would have had Secret of Mana or the Job system, so you have to take the good with the bad, and for most people, games they would consider mediocre outnumber the good entries in the series (well, I like FFs 1,4,6,7, and 10 and think 8 and 9 are okay, so maybe I shouldn't say that.)

My name is TRc, you have have disgraced Final Fantasy XI's Honor, Prepare to die!
>TRC readies Wasp Sting
>TRC Excutes Wasp Sting
>Alchemist has died!
>TRC gets 0 XP.
Damn. You aren't worth the effort.

Damnable magazine scans...

I just saw the media for Final Fantasy XII. It looks pretty good. I didn't realize they were showing that much now. By the way, for those of you that don't read Japanese, it says that the girl in the skimpy skirt that looks a bit like Yuna (damn you, Tetsuya Nomura!) is the story's heroine and that her name is Aashe. That's a direct transliteration, so maybe it's supposed to be Ash or Ashé or something weird like that. It says that the goofy-looking bishounen (I said damn you, Nomura!) with the weird pants is the story's protagonist, Van. For some reason I just heard a cat girl yelling in my head. I'm going to go watch Escaflowne now.

-The Nameless Translation Dude

Thanks for the info, dude. If only my newsies had been as on the ball as our media department, perhaps we'd have something to that effect posted by now since we did get tipped off about a gajillion times, but as it stands, I must regrettably sentence the lot of them to eternal punishment by staff cactus, exposing the hitherto undiscovered dark side of our entirely innocuous-looking news department mascot. Bet you didn't see THAT one coming, turkey! ONE HUNDRED BILLION NEEDLES! AHAHAHAHA!

This is why I hate You all with a passion, I know you mean well, but honestly when any information of any new Final Fantasy game comes out, we get deluged with emails. Some if it is helpful, most of it is not. Next time you want to be helpful, stop and ask yourself, "What would Andrew do?" and then proceed to spend the next three days on the worst bender of your life. By the time you crawl out of the bottle, the urge to help will have past.

HEY! My benders are strictly illegal pharmaceutical narcotically based adventures into the land of crack, if people can be trusted. They probably can't, but who am I to squelch some fancy rumours once they get started?

Actually, "crackhead" doesn't sound too good on a resume. Give me a box of vodka and some coke and we'll call it a date.

If the Russian can elect an admitted alcholic and the Supreme Court of the United States can install a 'reformed' coke addict, maybe there is hope for you yet Andrew. I'd doubt the people of the Great White North would mind if their leader needed fixes. At least people here would care about him then.

And yes, I said box because it's the classiest demonination of liquor

Andrew and Rudy,

Today was quite interesting. After driving to school, a teacher came to the car to inform me that school was cancelled. What happy thoughts sprung up in my head, a whole day dedicated to games! (or so I thought) Around 8ish this morning the power went out. "Ahh, the bloody hell!", methought..., "Just give it 1 hour or so". Too my disappointment, the power did not go back on until 6:50p.m.. So, my day was a waste... at least I got to sleep. ^_^ FFXII screens look interesting. Did ya notice that in RPGs more guys are losing clothes, and girls gaining more clothes? Tomorrow will definetly be a night of playing all the games I was planning to today. Bah. Speaking of tomorrow, what kind of cage should I use to hold Rudy, Andrew? Capturing Google will have to wait for another week, so I figure why not capture Rudy?? Tomorrow is another day...

Oooo that's a genius plan!

O' Shrouded One

Hmm...To be honest, I've noticed both genders losing clothing. If female characters seem to be gaining any it's just because they kind of started out in skimpy leather bikinis and tight skirts so they really didn't have much in the way of leeway as far as dropping the vestements is concerned. Anyhow, there's a line they'll probably hit before too long - I mean, characters like Laharl are already pushing it on the male side of things and the FFX-2 posse on the female end of the spectrum. I very much doubt, at any rate, that even softcorey VG characters will ever take hold anywhere but in the frightening morass of deprativity that is the H-Game market.

Rear end nearly hanging out != getting more clothes. I long for the days of pasty faced rail thin characters. Damn Nomura and his bondage fetish. ( Honestly, can you look at them and not think of that? Either that or he takes dressing tips from Micheal Jackson. Either way he needs to be stopped.)

Two words: Div Luv.

Bondage? Nomura's just into belts - lots and lots of belts. Maybe he got too many whuppin's as a child...

defense rests

Whuppin's, whippin's... It's all good. I hate his character design anyway, so he deserved every one he got. Assuming he got any. Which is actually pretty presumptuous, but that's one of the perqs here - as long as I throw in enough "allegedly"s and "imaginaries" and "Bob Dole"s, I can get away with a certain loosity of factual expression. To wit:

Bob Dole thinks TRC should give up!


**emerges from red materia**

OK, I have a nice fairy tale to weave for you...

Once upon a time, there was a young boy who had an NES. This was fine, except that the N64 had come out, and he *still* hadn't played any system above 8-bit. *weep*

Fortunately, one day, the Console Fairy appeared, and waved her magic wand, and lo! a playstation appeared! Sure, it belonged to his brother-in-law, but it was still magic! He got his first Final Fantasy experience beyond the first title... Final Fantasy VIII... the worst FF game of them all (except maybe IIj).

But, he loved it, for it was his first RPG with more than 8 bits, and he proceded to save up and purchace his own! And from that day on, his soul belonged to Squaresoft! *swoon*


You cast spells, I reflect spells. Any questions?

Yeah, actually. Does that big red thing jammed in your skull taste like cherries or cinnamon?

See Timmy, he wasn't the console fairy and what he had you do for the console wasn't legal or healthy. I'm sure, in your mind, you reflect others feeling onto them, but what about your mother... did you have a good relationship with her? Because projecting is not a healthy thing to do... Come sit on the couch, and tell me all..

My cat's breath smells like cat food

Mr. Sarcasmo... AkA Andrew

I have no idea if this is the quote i'm sipposed to be guessing =P But the title of your column yesterday I believe was from a 1990's movie called "The Wizard" or something, when the co-star girl is trying to draw a angry mob until the would be bad guy of the movie, so as he won't take the star of the movie home to his loving nurturing parents...

And a question! Why do you think every harvest moon game in the history of Farming Sims get pushed back over and over until the final dat is almost a half-year later? I mean can't Natsume figure it out at the beginning, or at least after one push back?

And a second question! Do you think its possible that we will see a North American release of Mother 1 + 2? I loved Earthbound so much... I think I played and finished that game over 30 times X.x on my old SNES (And I only got the Sword of kings once -.- Damn Starman Deluxeseses).


My cat loves it when I read him your column in the morning, half way through he falls asleep and starts twitching...


French manuels for english only games is very very illogical... Why do I live in Canada again?


Yep, the Wizard it was, although that isn't the quote. As for the first question, I guess Natsume likes to have very thorough Farming Sims, operating on the theory that if you dig up those carrots too early they're not gonna go over too well with the carrot crowd.

Moving along, I think Nintendo has been warming up to North America tremendously of late and so I think the chances are better than they would have been, say, a year ago.

P.S - My cat loves it when I whisper crap with rolly R's into his ear.

P.P.S - Probably because it beats the hell out of living in most other places like, say, downtown Baghdad.


P.P.P.s - Nothing to add here.

P.P.P.P.S - On second thought, living in canada isn't that bad as long as you don't mind the wild polar bear raids.

P.P.P.P.P.S - I have been informed there are no such thing as wild polar bear raids. There should be.

What are you talking about? Obviously you've never heard of Churchill, Manitoba, where the polar bears wander the streets with impunity thanks to their attraction to the local dump. If that doesn't qualify as a polar bear raid, I don't know what does.

When does the wu tang clan rpg come out?
Its a tale of the hood I think and features a new class called pimp mages. Thats all I know.

Yes, it shows.

As long as you can use pimp slap as an attack, I am there.

How can you talk about Nintendo Power
and not mention the Mario and Zelda cartoons/comics? Man those were great!


Because those fall under the "Super Mario Brothers Super Show" sub-heading of my "Saturday Morning Cartoons" Nostalgia folder, which has been neatly dusted this week thanks to all this wonderful reader response. Sorry for the omission though.

Well you can talk about the comics produced just for nintendo power, which were pretty keen. The Valient comics were kind of.. eh though.

I'd like to make a small correction about the whole Lunar 3 deal.
Lunar 3 has not yet been released but according to the Lunar 2 Manual (I can't remember which page, sorry), Lunar 3 IS in the works. Lunar 3 is NOT Lunar Magic School though. That's an entirely sperate game.

So one of you says it is and one of you says it isn't. Now you see why I didn't commit?

I hope lunar 3 comes out soon, so WD can release it 20 times across 3 systems. Honestly, why don't they get any flak for rereleasing the same damn game so many times?

Because everyone loves hilarious cat-dragons! Except you, apparently. Oh, right. And me.


For those of you writing flames to me, don't bother. I will just laugh and then delete them, but not before showing everyone, so they to can laugh.

Why you may ask?

Because I hate you. And I don't have to deal with the fallout since Google does letters tomorrow. Like a ninja, I come and cause chaos and then slip out un-noticed!

I don't hate you, but I too must melt into the night for my time this week has expired. For next week, let's switch gears slightly and all exhaust the topic of FF12 and its character art. I'd say I'm sure Google will do this, but for some reason whenever I make that kind of assumption, it ends up that only two people mail him about it, so I think I'll just try and see if I can't get two of my own!

Ah, naked ambition you sexy dog. Get out of here you! Which is what I shall now do, which rhymes, unfortunately. Still, that makes it true, so I bid you farewell for now.
Andrew Long is resigned to the fact that winter is here, but he still doesn't have to like it.
T-R-C ,'cause love is a four-letter word.



Andrew needs to get started on the damn column earlier. Muthaflucker.

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