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He Touched My Breast!

Andrew Long - November 13 '03- 02:38 Eastern Daylight-Savings Time

UNSURPRISINGLY, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH FOND CHILDHOOD MEMORIES about Nintendo Power and its gleamescently colorful pages and glowing articles about the magic of Nintentoe, which was all the rage back in the 80s among dumb kids who had broken their arms and just couldn't bear life without video games. Granted I'd probably try and do something or other like that, but I'm not so sure that video games would be my first priority on the whole "things I can no longer do with my useless arm which I hate so much" list.

As the story goes, my first contact with Nintendo Power was also my first contact with RPGs. My cousin subscribed to the magazine, but didn't want the game, so I got it instead. Then he got bored with the magazine or I pestered my mom or something or other and I ended up getting the magazine too, which was of great comfort to me when I was grounded to my room for calling my sister "stupid", a half-hour offence back in the heady days of 1989. I recall being quite concerned with Mario 3 dropping out of the #1 spot on the top thirty listing to the point where I would wait for the next issue any time it did in the hopes that it would reappear. This was probably a bad sign because it pretty much sealed my Nintendo fanboyism and in a way, you might say it led to this very column.

So let us reminisce together on the glorious propaganda that is Nintendo Power, because every so often, we need something to remind us that Fox News hasn't cornered that market.



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No Time Tolousse, apparently... Except I think that's spelled Tolouse

Hi Andrew,

In reply to your response to that guy who asked if there was ever going to be a Lunar 3 game, and you said there was a third Lunar game--there was a third Lunar game, and it was called Lunar Magic School. I've never actually played the game, but from what I understand, it was wretched, horrible, execrable, vile, and several other synonyms meaning detestable.

Actually, what I really want to know is why is no asking where the third Megaman Legends game is? I'm sure I'm not the only one who misses those wackily inept Bonnes.

I've been away from this column for a while. What happened to the lovably curmudgeonly Andrew Duff?


"I'm from North Kiltown!"

Yes, Lunar Magic School was the game I referred to, although I wasn't 100% sure if it was part of the series proper or one of those Gaiden style dealies like Suikostories or FFX-2 or Frasier. I don't see, however, how it fitting the above description makes it any different from the first two games in the series.

As for Andrew Duff, back in September he was reassigned to do a weekly piece on living in Japan and then an earthquake hit, followed by him never showing up again. Now, the two probably aren't connected, since he was on an entirely unrelated island at the time, but still, that morbid little part of me that asks "I wonder if that person I haven't seen for a while is dead" every time I haven't seen someone in a while is just sitting there with the nagging question: "I wonder if he's dead."

Probably not. He's a wesourceful wabbit, so I'm sure he'll resurface at some point. For the time being, you can content yourself with my sultry tones and the communist propaganda I secretly pack into each and every episode of this column, as well as Google's tightly organized mayhem on the weekend.

I knew this would come back to haunt me somehow

" all Americans guntoting rifle freaks in consecutive answers"

That just made me think of that episode of Kids In The Hall, where one of them (can't remember; probably Scott) is on a tropical island, and is talking to a native boy (also can't remember; maybe Bruce). The conversation came to a point that went something like this (but not exactly, so nobody get on my back):

Traveler: "I'm a Canadian."
Kid: "Canadian? What's that."
Traveler: "It's like an American without a gun."

Kaiju Munky

Good old Canadian superiority complex...

Random Matrixness

Hey, I know exactly what you mean about the new Matrix Movies. I go in after hearing everyone say "yeah it sucks, its absolute crap" etc etc and then its like "Hey this movie doesnt suck it all, its pretty damn good" and I thought it all got wrapped up nicely, except for [SPOILERS REMOVED].

(btw i got that chrono trigger quote too cept i accidentally sent it to googleshng instead OJNOS)

Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what critics who thought that M2 was better than M3 were smoking, but it might just be that wonderdrug that George Orwell was so fond of describing in that depressing little dystopic rag of his. Actually, I guess that could apply to most of his body of work, which makes me think he must have been a miserable old crank. Nonetheless, if the world could use one thing, it's more miserable old cranks.

MIsfired as your quote was, you still lose. The tilde has been awarded and now you are consigned to the mockery of Google, although he doesn't tend to mock people as much as me, and hey, I don't even mock people as much as my earthquake victim predecessor, so you're getting off easy, bub.

Andrew Dangerous:
Damn straight! In my day they threw us into mine shafts and made us mine our way out! The air was terrible and i saw kids keeling over left and right with emphysema, but I pressed on through the wine-dark caverns of Wine-Dark Caverns, mining my way to precious precious freedom and the various cancers I have since accumulated. What I'm saying is, this sort of thing builds character I tells ya! CHARACTER!

New-School NP the First

Hey Andrew,

You want to know aboot (Just a little Canadian humor there, I've been watching South Park the movie lately.) Nintendo Power? Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh, wait, I didn't...

Nintendo Power now is decent... Not as good as EGM. No funny comics, no constant N-Gage bashing. But it's good if you want stuff about Game Boy Advance, which is the only reason I get it. And they have the Epic Center, which I understand they had in the past. It's great for RPGs and stratagies, my two favorite genres. If they could just get some more information in there. And if they drop the Pokemon stuff. Pokemon should have died about three years ago, so just drop it, and never look back.

-Murdoc the Mad
"Why would we eat your brains? Just because we're zombies, doesn't mean we're cannibals. Where do you people get this stuff?"

Information has never been the primary directive of NP my insaniac friend. No, Nintendo long ago realized the benefit of having a magazine devoted exclusively to products it controls and profits directly from, and long ago descended to the lowest possible level of maximizing the propaganda value of that magazine, to the extent that they used it as a freebie at The Wizard, the most galling example of Nintendo propaganda to this day. I was very embittered when my cousin puked all over my copy, which I nevertheless kept after it was dried and cleaned for some reason because it had a mini-preview of MARIO 3 and even slightly inaccurate tips for Zelda! It also said Fred Savage and Luke Edwards just loved to play Nintendo, and so of course I figured that if I was ever to become a movie star I would have to do the same.

I laugh,though, when I hear people say that Pokémon should have died three years ago because three years ago was the tail end of the craze which was just leading nicely into the Digimon era which segued rather smoothly into the Yu-Gi-Oh! horribility we know today. Face it - Pokémon was a good marketing concept and like it or not people will continue to rip it off or repeat it ad infinitum until little kids finally wake up and realize that new characters keep getting added only so they'll buy the various merchandise associated with those characters.

Then again, I still play Magic Cards from time to time, so who am I to talk?

Why do you mock my pain with your hideous hybrid beasts?


I'm sorry I haven't written...(okay, so it was one day, I want to show that I have emotions dammit!) Ok, maybe not. I'm selfish, what can I say?? I give you my sympathy for all the torture you've endured with cruel, CRUEL experiences with Bryan Adams. I'm sorry all the psychiratry hasn't worked with healing you from Bryan's song. What would be worse would be seeing Bryan Adams in concert dressed up as Celine Dion... *shudder* I admit it, I was a Nintendo fanboy back in the day. My fond memories of Nintendo involve an drawing "game" for the NES. I don't remember its name, but it involved drawing using shapes, different colors, and my favorite from it, a rainbow changing color on a black background. All I remember from its box is a tiger... I had the chance to buy it, but my Dad wound up buying Gauntlet III for me and my sister. I still do not have the paitence to finish that game. Anyways, it was kinda the granddaddy of Mario Paint. Oooo, I even loved Spot (the 7up puzzle game featuring the red spots). Too much nestolgia. Such fond memories.. isn't it odd that all the old games back in the day were some of the best? Severe wind warnings for tonight.. better batter, yes batter as in Bisquick, down the hatches and tie down the sails. We leave for the moon in the morning.

Set sail in the river of life,

O' Shrouded One

Ah, Spot... Forever ruined for me by the fact that I rented it after watching Beverly Hillbillies, the Movie. And how come you get wind warnings? All we have here are lousy thunderstorms, or "T-Storms" for those wacky weathermen hoping to become the next incarnation of David Letterman.

All right! 500% Canadian Content... I bet this'll start irritating Americans ;_;


I'm so proud that there is a Canadian voice in the Q&A; I absolutely love reading the playful pokes American culture and Foreign Policy. I can only pray the vast majority of the readers stroking their guns while booking flights to Toronto wonít go through with it.

Eh, I'm ecunemical with my shots - Canadians are just as um, foibly, if I may invent a word for no reason other than I want to see how close I can come to making an apple crumble in text form. Yes, I'm hungry.

I was one of the people who got the Russell Oliver thing and I found it quite hysterical, but nobodyís better than Bad Boy.

Am I the only one who believes that if the Leafs play to their potential every night they can beat any team in the NHL? Is Mogilny not the best playmaker in the game right now? Does Sundin not have the best backhand? Is Nolan not one of the best grinders along with Roberts? No one in the league can put together 3 better lines. Colorado can put together the two best lines but after that theyíre weak. Some would argue most of the players are past their prime, but I say the NHL is past its prime and Detroitís been past its prime ever since 1997. Why do people think Ottawa has such a great team, they go from a good team over the last few years, and all of a sudden they will win the Stanley cup this year. Itís ridiculous. Vancouver needs to get rid of Cloutier. He never comes up big and always lets the next goal in (but hey Detroit won it with Osgood).

As for Nintendo, how certain is their future? How long can a company survive on first-party titles? They need help, faster than itís coming at the moment. I can only hope they donít go third party (though it would make things easier and cheaper)

Good Day
Douglas Dunlop

Hmm... I concur with all those hockey notes there, save for your opinion on Nolan, who should really get that back operated on so he can be useful again. As for Nintendo, if their own figures can be believed, they're doing just fine, having allegedly doubled their market share in the major console business and retaining their stranglehold on portables for the time being. If you mean you don't wanna see them go the Sega route, I wouldn't worry - one bad half isn't going to persuade them to go back to selling cards (although for all I know, they still do.)

Yes, yes I did ask the right question

Wow, did you ask the right question or what? I have TONS of memories of Nintendo Power. Some really great stuff went on in that magazine. Like how it used to not have any ads in it, how even though they were a Microsoftesque evil empire, their presentation made them seem cool and caring. And who could honestly sit there and say they didn't look forward to the new Howard & Nester every month?

But for me, the greatest thing about Nintendo Power was the sheer amount of freaks and weirdos who wrote in to the letters column. Am I the only one who remembers the old man who got a NES and sent a poem about playing Zelda and his wife leaving him and building a jacuzzi instead? Or remember the Kwaj Tricksters, who lived on a remote island in the South Pacific that was about three miles long and a half mile wide, and therefore had nothing to do but play nintendo all day? How about Andrew Martin, author of the Zelda Rap? ("It's the Legend of Zelda and it's really bad, the creatures in the game are really rad" to which NP replied "Totally def rap, Andrew!") And of course, no discussion of Nintendo Power freaks would be complete without mentioning Mark Discordia, the 32 year old plumber with the custom made Mario shirt, who enjoyed being called Mario because they're both Italian plumbers. (If you recall, he told kids to avoid drugs because you need all your senses when going up against video game foes)

Ah the building their own arcade machines out of their NES, kids with custom golf carts, clay figurines of Super Mario Bros 2 characters, kids with disabled hands who played nintendo with their feet...the list goes on and on. Nintendo Power was without a doubt the greatest magazine of all time.

If you really want to check out a good site that will help you relive some of the memories of nintendo and the late 80s, go to

Robust Stu Gold Reviewer/Swell Guy

AH HA! Another person who remembers Nintentoe, and obviously has old back issues lying around for even better details than I could possibly provide? Yeah, you're right. Nintendo just wasn't that great at the evil business because they wanted people to like them. How else can you explain supporting the creation of such monstrosities as that rap, which you have now dredged out of my mountain of suppressed memories along with the Kwaj Twisters, the Gulf War Private whose GB got torched in some sort of death duel (read: he left it out in the sun with all the Monsanto diet coke which is now circulating on the internet as a dire warning against the evils of aspartame) and heck, Isuzu Joe, who took time out to shill both Nintendo AND Isuzu products at the same time, all while standing in featherpermed glory with an elbow jauntily resting upon the dashboard and an issue of Nintendo Power in his black, black soulfilled hands.

And yeah, all you case-modders who think PCGamer is clever for its contest? Sorry, Nintendo invented it first with its custom Gameboy design contest. Howard and Nester? Best. Comic. Evar! Geez. Why the hell did I ever stop subscribing to this thing? It's pure entertainment!

Yep, Nintendo and nostalgia officially have 60/40 ownership of my soul

Hmm ok nintendo power memories. I remember when they offered the best deal I ever saw. $30 =

4 players guides these were not just any guides, the first was teh NES atlus guide to some of the best nes games ever. Mine is ragged currently. The mario guide was a complete guide to SMW and info on the others, the gb and snes ones were kinda quick over views of games for those systems.

2 years of nintendo power (at the time of this deal this owuld cost $30 alone.) this was before ads we in the mad, and I think howard was still around (howard and nester fame anyone?)

1 brand new copy of dragon warrior. (ok so it was a long drawn out level up engin but still it was fun).

Ok any of those items should cost $30 by normal standards. I got all of them for $30. coolest thing they ever did I think.

I think I picked up one additional year after that. by the time the 64 came about I didn't have one, and wasn't planning on getting one (no square whats the point?). The quality of the mag had dropped. More flash and blah, less useful or insightful content.

I currently have my entire collection in my trunk because my parents no longer want it. looked at ebay but it doesn't seem like anyone else wants old issues either. guess they'll sit in my car till I move.

Oh on a zelda disk related note, I hear that those interested should go to wal-mart (speaking of evil) on the day after thanksgiving cause the GC+ bundle will be going for $80. can't confirm but Idid see this on another site.


Thanks for sharing, Mike.

HEY! I like DW ^^


I remember Nintendo Power... I first subscribed when they had that Dragon Warrior deal waaay back (I think the magazine was only a year old or so at that point). Of course, being the true RPGamer that I am, I already had a copy of Dragon Warrior, but this new one came with a lot of extras. Plus the deal only cost about $30 (In colourful Canadian dollars), so that was a pretty sweet deal. I stopped subscribing back when the N64 just came out, and the magazine was focusing entirely on that new system. I knew I wasn't going to get one, plus I could tell Nintendo was starting to go downhill when they resorted to "Sega tactics" advertising.

I saw a Nintendo Power in a bookstore a few years ago, so I picked it up to see what had changed, and I barely recognised it! Gone were the colourful pictures and stupid comics. Now, it had ads just like every other gaming magazine out there, which I guess I can't blame them too much for. I doubt much has changed since then.

Speaking of Dragon Warrior (at least I was a little while ago), yesterday I showed it to my friend who started playing RPGs about a year ago, and we were having a good laugh at how bad it was. I mean, I can still enjoy it on a certain nostalgic level, but I have to admit, as my friend put it, "This is simply terrible" by today's standards. I mean, you can see the final dungeon as soon as you leave the first castle!

As I final note, I am one of the few people who seems pleased about this Zelda/CG deal, since I never did buy one in the first place.

-- RoboTroy

Yeah, I do seem to recall NP souring somewhat as the N64 days came on, which was probably why I did, in the end drop it (either that or my subscription ran out and my parents got tired of them lying all over the piace). I do still remember my last issue though: the preview of Chrono Trigger. How oddly fitting...

How very touching ¨_¨

Oy (Thats bizzaro for 'yo')

I remember when coming home from school to find a new issue of Nintendo Power waiting for me was the eptiome of bliss. During this period, I would greedily feed my hunger for 8-bit knowledge, and somehow everything was right with the world. table width=100% align=center cellspacing="2" cellpadding="6" bgcolor="#000000">

Hee. I remember when my idea of the perfect day was getting a bag of chips and some hockey cards in my lunch and a crisp new Nintendo Power sitting on my bed when I got home.

To me, it mattered not about the homeless guy down the street begging for food. I cared nil for the kid I knew who had a pile of microwaves fall on her head at a Venture department store She was in a coma for a few days and eventually had to retake the third grade,but that didn't matter. What mattered was minus world 1. The bum, the cold war, the mentally criplled kid weren't real. Finding out that the warp whistle had "magical and mysterious powers" was real.

To me Nintendo was everything. When politicians would scream out in dismay about how Mario was more recognizible to children than Mickey Mouse, I replied "Who in the blue hell is Micky Mouse?"

Unfortunately, something went bad along the way. NP started to change, or was it I who changed? Even now I'm not really sure, but I know that it wasn't meant to be.

Today you and I find ourselves on the verge of rekindling old friendships with a magazine that seems to be written for and by 8-year-olds....and for what? Zelda?

I only hope that I don't get hurt the way I did the first time. I, afterall, only have one heart to break. Just reemember that love, unlike test monkeys and human fetuses, is not a renewable resource.

Tad Ghostal

Just had to bring up the dark side, eh? That in all probability I'll take one look at the thing and wonder why I bothered? Well screw you! I've been without proper Nintendo propaganda since I was 12 and I can't take it anymore! A DECADE IS TOO LONG! Cursed addictive personality...

Imagine a hilarious title here

Hello my good sir! Answer me these riddles... 2.

1. What do you think of Suikoden III? I'm like 5 hours into it, and I think it's "aight". Maybe even "phat".
2. Do I look more respectable, maybe even more... sweet, or totally rockin', if I put Mr. in front of my name?

Good day to you!

Mr. Rebbie

1) Suikoden III is currently lodged beside my VCR, waiting for that distant moment sometime in the summer of 2004 when I finally finish with Disgaea, realize how high my backlog has piled, and hang myself with the controller. Actually, since I have so very many controllers, maybe i'll try and guesstimate how many controllers it would take to go from here to the moon, because if they can do that with pennies and gum and cigarettes and monkeys then I think controllers are admissible.

2)Yes, yes you do. In fact, you look downright classy, and I now picture you wearing a red bowler hat and a monocle.


Hey there. Here's how I'm getting the Zelda bonus disk. This can work two ways. Either way works the same, it just depends on how cooperative your local EB employees are.

1. Take your current Gamecube down to EB and ask to trade it in towards the Zelda bundle. GCs are worth $50 US. That makes the bundle only $50 US. You get a new Cube with a new 1 year warrantee and the Zelda disk.

2. (What I'm doing) Trade in the GC that comes with the disk in the same transaction. Keep the disk and pay only $50 US. Same net effect. But this really depends on the employees.

Option 2 works best for everyone. Store gets trade in credit. Store gets "preowned" systems to sell. Customer gets 4 Zeldas for $50.

I'm willing to pay 50 bones to play some old games on my Cube. Go ahead, call me crazy. Just don't ask to see my room.

Also, the PS1 greatest hits gain the green stripe, lose most art and any color except for black on the disk, and generally lose any extras that they came with before (like demos). So I don't expect to see the soundtrack with the FFANT re-release. Could be wrong though. Wouldn't be the first time.

Go ahead... Call me ‹bergeek

Hmmm... Good scheme, except up here in Russia GameCube buys you, so you have to call Nintendo of Canada for some reason and order the disc there. I'm not sure if that applies to new system purchases, but it still makes me very bitter that some sort of human interaction will be required.

Hey, Atari's cool too

Hello Andrew,

I'm sorry to say I don't have any childhood memories of gaming magazines, mostly 'cause the Atari 2600 was the hot console when I was in grade school, and I didn't get my own console until I was out of college. To my further sorrow, a magazine I do remember having a subscription to was Highlights for Children. Children's Digest (if I'm remembering the right one, it had selections from various books aimed at a late grade-school/early middle-school crowd) and National Geographic World are two others. And then there were my grandfather's Archie and Disney comics from the '50s, which were periodicals but not magazines per se, but are the fondest reading memories of all.

On to Nintendo Power. As it turned out, I was waiting in a line at the grocery store over the weekend where someone had taken the most recent issue of Nintendo Power from wherever it was supposed to be, and put it on the rack with People and The Weekly World News. As the woman in front of me had about 7,000 small bags of produce in her cart, and the cashier was new, I had a little while to check it out. My first impression was not bad. There were long articles on Gladius and Beyond Good and Evil in the issue, lots of nice bright colors in the layouts, and it had a large and completely charming selection of grade-school fan art and letters. I think you may feel very nostalgic if you check it out. :)

Since a year's subscription is only 20 bucks according to Nintendo's website, I'm starting to get tempted, since the GC Zelda disk would be worth more than that by itself. Sigh, sucker. If nothing else, the tone of NP would be a change from the scabby, lame "humor" in the more adult-oriented gaming magazines.


Hey! I try to be a pale shade of that scabby lame humour, except minus most of the scabbiness. Lame I've got in spades! Oh yeah, and I'm a big fan of the Atari too, having spent countless hours playing Miner 2049er, which I really should try and find a copy of sometime.

"Rip" sounds about right, but hey, I'm a glutton for punishment

Hey Andrew,

I was just wondering if Final Fantasy XI is worth the money you pay + the online charge. I mean im a cheap bastard i don't believe someone should pay just to get the game and then pay 13 dollars(i think its 13)a month just to play it.

And what about upgrades to get new jobs and quests will you have to pay for that to or no im so confused PLEASE help me!


No game is worth $13.00 a month, but that's the price you pay for online games nowadays, so if you mean "is it entertaining" or "should Howard Dean stop wearing shortsleeved dress shirts so he doesn't look like a grocery clerk" then the answer is a resounding yes. Unless, of course, you want to be the nation of the freshness guarantee, which I guess would be okay, if slightly creepy.

Finally, so far as I am aware, the only extra charges you pay are a dollar a month for an extra character (up to 16) and a dollar for Tetra Master should you choose to, which I don't think I will be since I have yet to touch it. Also, beware the initial period of hours upon hours required to get started playing the game. It very nearly drove me insane, like the prices on rhubarb down in aisle Iowa.

Wow, all this using email titles really saves me work!

I remember the issue of Nintendo Power where they devoted a 10-page or so article to Earthbound. However, I distinctly remember them totally bashing Earthbound through the whole article, saying things like "Why anyone would want to play this game is beyond us. We would rather gouge our eyes out." I may remember this incorrectly as I was younger at the time than I am now. I am a video game masochist. I play games like Unlimited Saga and Legend of Mana and Ehrgeiz over and over. I do not deny that these games are among the worst RPGs ever; however, I have a supernatural fixation with horrible RPGs. HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME. How can I cure this horrible disease!? It eats at my soul! I have drawers full of FF2 and Breath of Fire 2 and Dragon Warrior 7! And on any given day, I would as easily play these as new, really good games that I haven't finished yet! I'M PLAYING WILD ARMS 3 AND I HAVEN'T BEATEN DISGAEA!!!!! God, save me! How can I fell this curse!? LockeZ

Sad to say, there is no cure except running out of terrible games and realizing what a joy it is to play good ones again. I reference my glut of horribility of a year or so ago, when I chewed through Legend of Dragoon, bits of SO2 and DW7, Beyond the Beyond, Rhapsody, and Harmony of Dissonance. Finally, just as I was subjecting myself to Zelda: Ages, I got Wind Waker and was cured.

I never actually had a Nintendo Power subscription,

because I had no money as a child. What I really liked though, was the way that whenever you bought a new console from Nintendo, you could send in for a free issue of Nintendo Power. I read those issues cover to cover and then some. I really wish they still did that.


Hmm, well at least you can still join in on the nostalgia, and if it makes you feel any better, my mother was a staunch believer in the villainy of video games so she punished me by taking them away whenever possible, leaving Nintendo Power as my only source of gaming goodness. I'm serious too - once I went without for nine whole months just for not shutting up (also I may have kicked sand into my sister's face^^)

I think traitor/hawk flows off the tongue better than hawk/traitor. So there.

I guess you sure showed me, although I kind of think so too.

since kupo mogli
brought it up I'd like to point out that it is very difficult for me to find a game i want that I don't already own. Seeing as how I own 90% of the RPG's that are on the playstation and snes there isn't much else I want. but if all else fails i'll just ask for something new.

No, if all else fails you'll take what you get and like it :D


Wow. So I guess everyone loves their Nintendo Power, then. Rudy's in for his final kick at the can tomorrow, so be sure to shower him with questions about his whereabouts on the night of August 7, 1995. While we're at it, let's give new-schoolers the chance for some nostalgia and find out what it's like to grow up with the PlayStation as your first console. All those who don't apply can send in randomness. Until tomorrow's presumably mixed bag, then, I must go, for it is late.
Andrew Long actually tried to copy those Mr. Nintendo moves from NP commercials



I really hope that ad campaign is a figment of my imagination

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