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Poor Defenseless Weapons

Andrew Long - November 6 '03- 02:18 Eastern Daylight-Savings Time

IT BEHOOVES ME TO CURSE THE NAME AND SOUL of whosoever it was that griped about the Weapons of FFVII yesterday, and yes I could just tab over into this other HTML document, but that would break this precious train of thought and as we all know derailments in this particular area of the rail industry can only result in my failure to succeed at a game of Railroad Tycoon which will then doom me for ever enjoying Rollercoaster Tycoon, one of several addictions favoured by my housemate. I regretfully hurl these imprecations with a heavy heart, but I am resolute in the knowledge that this action will one day create a free and democratic and noble and oil-export rich Iraq whose citizens will also possess the added advantage of never having to discuss this particular topic thanks to Halliburton's alleged tendency to focus its energies on shady contracts and oil, lots and lots of oil rather than videogame strategy. And that's purported oil, of course, since I wouldn't dream of slandering a company that could easily sic Karl Rove on me at any moment.

Not, I'm sure, that they'd bother sending him to Canada, but you just never know what might happen in these little gluts of sticks and stones, which I hurl along with any insults in an effort to ensure some sort of hurt befalls my adversaries. Anyhow, what I'm very poorly attempting to communicate here is that whenever someone cries about being unable to mash together materia in the required quantities and configurations, there will be at least five other individuals whose sole purpose in life is to craft such "killer" combinations.

You'd think that now, almost seven years after the release of Final Fantasy VII, that this creative wellspring would have dried up, but apparently the younger brothers and sisters and illegitimate moon monkeys of devoted RPGamers such as yourselves (you know who you are, and I get your lunch money for the rest of the week if you wanna keep playing that game - except for you, superintelligent monkeys. I'll just hook each of you up with a new pair of rollerskates!) remain as slavishly devoted to the process as their forefathers.

Fortunately, my inbox has been murdering mail at an impressive rate lately, so I only scored one or two such sets of instructions. Nonetheless, one is not just often, but always, enough in this sort of situation, so rest assured, one is all you will see. Unless I decide to make that the topic for tomorrow, just to spite rudy...



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and sweet damn I'm dashing!

Trust me, it's allll ... UPhill from here. Yes, that's it, keep reading :D

Zup, Lunchbox?

I was eating Honey Nut Cheerios, in the patio section of course, watching a news special on violence, drinking Singapore Slings with Mescal on the side, when an idea hit me. Yeah, I was surpised too.

They need to make an RPG about the rise and fall of the Olsen Twins. Mary-Kate, the brash take-no-prisoners tomboy (fighter) and the quite, more subtle yet equally blessed in both intelligence and glory Ashley (mage/thief)

Actually I think this is a horrible idea. Her fanbase (pre-preteen girls and dirty 50 year-old men) would be turned off by the mechanics involved in completing a RPG, while the RPG fanbase (14-24 year-old male virgins) would be repulsed by sitting through 40 plus hours of the dynamic duo negotiating over scripts and commerical spots. That is until disk three when we learn of their tragic slayings by the hands of a zealous, underappreciated stalker.

Sure the idea stinks, but I don't get ideas very often so I'm going to go against all instincts and stick to my guns on this.

Tad Ghostal

P.S. You still haven't sent me the phone number to the CEO of Square yet.

If you think it's a horrible idea and you know it's a horrible idea and you're pretty sure everyone else will too, why would you then turn around and propagate this abomination? The only place the Olsen twins belong is in hardcore pornography wholesome family viewing, and while it is certainly conceivable that they may one day be stalked by one or many zealous and underappreciated stalkers, we should certainly have better things to do than to talk about it here.

Nevertheless, I can't help but think this is all my fault for not specifying a topic. I guess a little extra wackiness or whatever you'd like to call this sort of idea is just what the doctor ordered. I just wish it wasn't what you guys most likely think of my writing style. Okay, there's my angsty lack of confidence moment for today... Let's move on to more of what we all came here for.. .hardcore nudity!

Letters, questions, RPGs, Square, Final Fantasy, VII, Tifa... I think we both know where this is going, although I am impressed i made it a full seven degrees of separation

Andrew I don't understand your hatred for this game! Is it simply the opening sequence of j-pop and dancing Yuna? Because if that's it you are really going to miss out. I just got the demo disc from Playstation Magazine, and the game is going to be fun. Sick fun. I have seen a battle system that fun and exciting in a really long time. That's not even to mention the more interactive environment with all the running and jumping and such. And if all that isn't enough to make you want to play this game, what about a conclusion to the mystery of X's ending? I can't imagine you hated X (but i guess i could be wrong). Anwyays (that's for you) I'm surprised you have such hate for this game, that looks to be so amazing to me and i'm just curious as to where that hate is coming from....


Milhouse: We gotta spread this stuff around. Let's put it on the Internet!

Bart: No! We have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!

Copious Possible FFX-2 Spoilers: Because I Can (beware the white text!)
I loved X which is precisely why this sequel irritates me so very very much. Instead of working with a completely reasonable battle system, S-E has opted instead to mash together the decrepified remnants of the leavings from several past FF titles, hoping that dressing it all up with scantily clad women will make everyone look the other way, which apparently it has. I'm not trying to come off as uberelite here, but come on! I was perfectly satisfied with that ending because the "mystery" was nothing more than "cheap shlock perpetrated by Sakaguchi", whose brain seems to have gone south ever since he decided to instill touching little morality pieces every twenty minutes or so throughout his games. So Tidus was swimming in water. So Tidus appears in that video. Know what? I have heard firsthand accounts of much of the game's plot, since my friend was subjected to the game in its entirety when his completist fetishing roommate played it for 160 hours straight, and in that scene, those aren't the real Tidus and Yuna! AHAHAHA! Also, there are horrendous load times, the costume changes take forever and they happen EVERY TIME you change jobs in mid-battle, which is apparently often. I should probably disclaim all this information by saying that my friend is a bitter, bitter man, so it is entirely possible that this account is pure hyperbole. However, he tends to hate many of the things that I do, so I'm going to trust him on this particular score. No, not this white text, you silly git. Oh yeah, Aeris dies! HA!

Anyhow, if I wanted to see a breastful woman with guns darting about caverns and sexily dealing damage to the flora and fauna, I'd play Tomb Raider. Actually, I'd never play Tomb Raider in a million years, but I'd sure watch the movie; reality, after all, tends to outstrip polygons exponentially, particularly when it takes the form of Angelina Jolie.

Humpty Dumpty BROKE Man... He's not coming back! HE'S GONE!

A question upon thee!

What's happening with Hanjuku Hero VS 3D? I've been waiting for news about for some time, hoping it'll get localized. It's one my top waited RPGs, having seen the absolutely insane intro and in part because of the Uematsu soundtrack. We need more quirky RPGs in English!


I grieve to inform you that Hanjuku Hero VS 3D has, in all likelihood, gone the way of Venus & Braves, Magical Vacation, and a whole slew of hentai Sakura games: that is to say, after the initial thrill and possibility of a localization, Square quietly swept the game under the rug and, now in tandem with Enix, will presumably pretend it never happened until a) A new and widely marketable Hanjuku title comes out, facilitating widespread cash-cowing of previous Hanjukus, or b)Hell freezes over. As a reader several letters on is reliably certain that I am currently residing in one of the nastier circles of hell for the heinous sin of writing this column as I do, I can vouch with all certainty that while my current residence may shortly experience a prolonged freeze, hell as a whole is in no danger of an incipient white Christmas. Which, as per usual, is a convoluted way of saying "No dice!". Also, I think it means there's no cocaine in Cocytus.

Oh, dear...

Hi i'm from Poland and i have imported final fantsy XI for PC, and i have problem with credit card registration ,my card is declined in playonline register procces . Oh, snap! Please let me know if you know about that something

I'm not entirely certain on this, but I do believe PlayOnline has some fairly draconian regional restrictions in effect, which are probably the sticking point in your attempts to get online, presumably operating on the theory that people living in territories where the company has no direct ability to enforce its various policies are better off being unable to break them in the first place. To Square Enix's credit, the policies in place surrounding the game do seem to be pretty effectively geared towards preventing cheating and unfair practices in the game; to S-E's detriment, they also result in a behemoth six hour wait before even thinking about getting into Vana'Diel is possible, which quite nearly put me off the whole business forever, to say nothing of your unfortunate conundrum.

And here it is, the part you've all been waiting for...

Hey Andrew,

Lucky you, you get another email from me. But I just read your column, and the thing I was wondering, is the fact that; today is Tuesday, why the hell do you have a column up there. But anyways, one of the emails sent in were from O Shrouded One, asking for help on Emerald and Ruby Weapon from the 3rd worst FF game ever created. Emerald Weapon I could see him asking for help, but Ruby Weapon is just a wuss. However, with my vast knowledge(that sounds cool huh) of RPG's, I wanted to be nice and help out.

The Help

-andrew- -kupomogli-

*Eyes unglaze* Thanks for sharing, kupomogli. Hmm, it seems to me I've said that before somewhere...Anyhow, your sense of time is woefully messed up, because yesterday was, in fact, Wednesday.

Dusty PS2? Tsk


Recently I haven't been playing too many RPGs, let alone video games of any kind. In fact, the last game I bought was Kingdom Hearts, and the last time I touched my PS2 was when I had to blow all the dust off. For chrissakes, I didn't even know FFXI or FFT-A came out, and FFT was my favorite game!

So! Get me out of this slump. Throw some gaming titles at me. Educate me.

- Sophie


You should never let small appliances get so very dusty because dust makes me sneeze and if for some reason I am ever anywhere near where you live which is of course not to say that I am currently stalking you since I would never do such a thing, I will sneeze. Sneezing makes me sad.

Moving along, we have your lack of new games. Since KH was your last foray into the market, you've missed a number of big titles. Depending upon your tastes, you could go for Xenosaga or Suikoden III. My early impressions of FFXI are pretty favourable so you might even want to give that a shot. Finally, you absolutely must above all else get Disgaea, which is the best pure video game I've had in a very long time. The amount of time you can sink into that thing is truly mind-boggling, as I can attest to - I've been restraining myself, and I'm about a fifth of the way through at THIRTY HOURS.

So yeah, now you know why these columns keep coming up so late, all you crazy nighthawks.

You know, it IS high time!

High time I mentioned the fact that your Q & A is very entertaining. This can only be presumably blamed on your Canadian citizenship, wherefor it is unquestionably something (at the least) contributive to your quirked personality. All that snow has made you as mad as I! Now, keep writing, eh? Or you die!

Plus, if ye ever happen to write a book concerning vodka mines (or most anything, being that you can even make something as utterly boring as fanboy-questions hillarious), I'll buy twenty and make you sign them all in one sitting.

Signings make my wrist hurt, and I need that wrist for other activities more essential to my well-being, like ULTIMATE FRISBEE DOODS! As such, I may have to craft some sort of stamp, possibly with a vaguely Native American-looking eagle in the background. Seriously though, thanks for the kind words, I need them to balance out the next letter, which is rather less favourable.

..Mostly because of this

I still hate you. I hate your random innanities, your insipid commentary, and your moronic lack of continuity. You should rot in Cocytus, where none may be subject to your brutish cognizance.


As tempting as sitting on the devil's forehead may sound to all you Wiccans out there who will totally hate me for deliberately mis-equating your um, religion with Satanic practices, I'd rather take up sailing, or maybe sodomy so I can land in that circle where they totally make you run on baking hot sand, because who doesn't love a good jog on a scorching hot beach? Also, while I have shiny new instructions telling me that under no circumstances am I to alienate readers, you are pre-alienated, and as such I feel entirely comfortable telling you to build a bridge and jump, you miserable crank.

But seriously, I love engineers!

Boingy, boingy!

Hey Andrew,

I know Square-Enix wants to make money. But I think what Squaresoft(mainly) has been doing, by rereleasing every title they've ever created basically(except a few), is pretty stupid. You don't see Konami rereleasing Dracula X and dropping the rarity of the item, or maybe rereleasing Suikoden 1 and 2 because of people who don't have it.

Anyways, *and here's where I eliminate some of that incoherence my good musketeer just whined about... cloink!*

Also, Vagrant Story does suck, but even so, I have to tell you, that you accidently typed it out as Vangrant Story. If only they hadn't made a pathetic battle system, then it would rule, but then when I think about Final Fantasy 10, I think of Vagrant Story with renewed something, whatever kindof word means that I think it's better, even though I don't.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

Vigour, the word is vigour. Unless you're American, in which case you drop the u, making it look altogether less British. And I regret the error. Rest assured, an infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of typewriters are being flayed as we speak. Um, not that I condone cruelty to animals in any way... It's just the fake ones that need to be set straight every so often.

Oh, dear the second

Oh Andrew, nothing could be more far from the truth. EVERYONE likes you columns damn it. Everyone! I always say, the longer the column, the more there is to read, which means the more of your joy and happiness spreads until everyone is infected by it.

Since I have nothing to tell you (and you said you would post everything), I might as well tell you about the most interesting thing that happened to me this week. you see, I have this huge can of deodorant spray. It's like, about as big as a SOBE bottle. I left the cap off, and I packed it away in my backpack (I had two hours of sleep and I did not know what I was doing). Anyway I'm sure you've done stupid things due to sleepless nights. Like putting the milk away in the pantry, or the cereal in the fridge. Anyway... I caught the bus that morning and put my bag down. Calculus first period. Test. Graphing calculator covered in white substance. Horribly strong odor (apparently there was pressure on the nozzle for a long period of time, blowing deodorant all over my calculator). There was no laughing, just strange looks. Good thing it wasn't with all of my books. I think that was when my other personality Margie appeared. Margie doesn't get embarrassed easily, so I was okay.

~Brendan Mesick

More recently, a full box of chicken wings hidden under my computer desk for two days because my sister came home and me, being the soul of generosity that I am, didn't want to share. Guess nobody gets em now without heavy salmonella risk. Which still didn't stop me from thinking about it.

We tried so hard and got so far but in the end it's still Unfit for Print


If you had a magic duck, what magical powers would it have? Would it have long fangs, and talk in 13 to 20 different languages? Would it have powers equal to that of the great Billy?

Burning in hell with FFXI,
- Thor

Geez, I don't know what's up with all the damnation talk today, but if there's some divine power out to get me, I wish it would be a little more explicit in its methods of informing me. Also, never write me a letter concerning magical ducks again unless I am on mescaline, when it just might seem like something worth talking about. Not that I know for sure, but that Las Vegas book with the sunglasses and the trashing of the hotel room and the so very many drugs certainly seemed to involve its fair share of odd conversations.

by the way.
wtf? since when the hell did breath of fire 5 come out?! :O

ignorantly yours,

ps. did you watch the matrix yet?

Earlier this year, and if you dare spoil that movie I will carry out every threat I have ever made over my tenure as Q&A guy upon your woeful soul. This means you, Dsone!


Well that was a nice ol' shotgun blast to the face. Tomorrow rudy will be back for his second and final column, since MeoTwister has opted to airmail a pristine copy of something or other source direct to my kururu-obsessed cohort. Rudy would like to talk about SO3, FFXI, and Rhapsody, but since I never want to talk about Rhapsody again, let's spite him and talk FFVII instead. Who's with me?

Well, not the guy who wants me to use Beelzebub as a recliner, I'd warrant.
Andrew Long did not see the Matrix tonight and is regretting the deluge of spoiling that will no doubt swamp him at every turn



And hey, while this is very nice hidden text, it can't hold a flame to that other hidden text. You know you wa-nna!

The Mark of tuinte
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