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Alloy There, Maties!

Andrew Long - October 16 '03- 11:27 Eastern Standard Time

I DEBATED WHETHER TO POST A COLUMN today, because the better part of the mail I received was, as you will shortly see, of rather dubious quality. Nevertheless, I haven't missed a day yet and I know how frustrating it is when a host meows about not getting any letters (which I will incidentally do now, just as soon as I find a cat I can convince of its ugliness so I can promise to make it a real girl and get married with a prince, all in exchange for its voice which I will then use to defeat the pesky mermaids in my basement who've started running a concert venue in my cold storage room which, needless to say, makes it very difficult to sleep at night, especially when that nogoodnik Spongebob Squarepants shows up) and then muerps and wanders off.

So I shall endeavour to make this somewhat entertaining, though it won't be easy when all I've got to work with is a diatribe about how I'm a "jerk-ass" and some sort of cryptic communique which I can only take to mean that the Pope is headed to the hills of Quebec to be cloned by Raelians so that a wave of mini-popes can fan out and conquer the world using the power that only a Popemobile can provide. Once the world is firmly in the grasp of the Popelings, they will then deliver it up to Major League Soccer as the culmination of a fiendish plan to defeat Monday Night Football. Or so this letter seems to suggest, after I cracked the difficult code which seemed to utilize potatoes as its main sticking point, not to mention its main course.

This is not to suggest, of course, that I am not to fault for this situation. Obviously the tone of my column yesterday was a little too evil or something, so I promise, I'll tone myself down from Howard Stern evil to Silvio Berlusconi evil, which will no doubt get me whacked by the Italian mafia for daring to besmirch the name of such a magnificent criminal.. I mean, magnate and president. Yes, that's the one. Anyhow, I'll try and restrain my amazement at the lack of search engine acumen possessed by aol'ers (I mean, AOL does try to brainwash its users into thinking its software is the best thing ever for everything from answering email to stalking LaToya Jackson, so I can understand a certain reluctance to use non-AOL software, especially considering all that spiffy advertising that totally hasn't gone out of style! Yes, the Matrix is here folks, and it's here to STAY! ... Hopefully those are just local ads.)

So I shall be fuzzy and kind and rabbitlike and maybe even steal some of Farmer Brown's carrots cuz deep at heart I'm still a bad widdle wabbit. And now, just to assure you that I haven't become a closet furry, here's my secret lover... I mean, cohost. Cohost. Sorry, I mumble, these things happen.

And, no sooner did I type this introduction than did a few letters come in to redeem the others, so I guess there will be Christmas after all.


It has come to my attention that none of you know a thing about me as an RPGamer. So, I think I shall regale you with the tale of how I changed from being a side-scrolling freak of nature to an avid RPG playing freak of nature. The first RPG I tried playing was Final Fantasy 1…HATED IT! The gameplay was terrible and the time it took to level up sucked! I swore off RPGs after that. Shortly after that, I tried out a game called Princess Tomato in the Salad Kingdom. I loved it! It was so ridiculous that it was great! You fight by playing Rock-Paper-Scissors! You play a guy named Sir Cucumber. It all took place in a Dragon Warrior screen. I had no idea it was an RPG.

Anyway, I passed up FF2 when it came out…can't remember why though. A couple of months after FF3 came out I went to my local rental store and saw it. It looked cool and I picked it up. As soon as I started it up I saw it was an RPG. My blood froze and I cursed my stupidity. But, I paid for the rental, so I was gonna try it. I loved it! I rented it for the next three weekends straight. Almost beat it too.

Since then I've been an avid RPGamer and have tried every RPG I could get my hands on for all the systems that I own. With my NES, SNES, N64, and PS2 this collection has grown quite substantially. And in all truth, I love 'em all. I like LOD and Secret of Evermore for their gameplay, and I love Rhapsody, Shadow Madness and Orphen: Scion of Sorcery for the humor in the dialogue. Thousand Arms rocks too! I love just about every game that tries to be different and succeeds. Hell, I even love the ones that try to be different and don't succeed. My taste in games is very eclectic. Admittedly, Beyond the Beyond, Saga Frontier 2 and Chocobo's Mysterious Dungeon kind of bug me but I'll beat 'em anyway…right after I finish FF8… Whoa, tirade... I'll just get off my soapbox now. Oh, and just to set the record straight, I hate Tomb Raider with a passion.



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Da Coise
of Da Bambino
Is deliciously cruel
Come on 12th inning heartbreak
Hmm.. less baseball
More RPGs
ELSE apply at
Still, not much else goin' on
Murblewurble woozle wuzzle
I didn't do it
Now, you try!

Acting teacher is nuts
the scene is 6 pages long
mostly monologues!
Still haven't gotten results from
either midterm from last week
One more tom...tod...Friday

Not too bad, you're learning now
Next I teach you 'zactly how
That's punch-block-kick
Parappa in the hizzouse

AH HA! Now you must die

Hey I believe I am to blame for the whole LoD bit. I mentioned it when I guest hosted with Goog on Tuesday. Sorry bout that. That said, what is looking to be this years LoD? You know, a game that has a fair amount of hype and then turns out that excrement has a problem being compared to it? And FFXI-2 doesn't count as that's the point of it.

S.H. Silver

Of the upcoming games this year...probably the newest Star Ocean in all truth. I enjoyed playing the first one, even thought by the end, it was just getting old, and I don't think the next one will be as fun. Unless the final boss is someone who is actually beatable, then it would be okay.

Yeah, that sounds about right. I never have been able to fathom the love people profess for Star Ocean: the Second Story, and so it is that the anticipation leading up to the third installment baffles me. I mean, sure it looks pretty, but so did the first two games. As I probably should have mentioned to that poor sot who prefers graphics over all else from yesterday, pretty pictures do not pretty game play make, however many projection TVs you can stack on top of each other showing stunning vistas and so forth. Yes, I appreciate it when companies put the effort in that prevents their games from looking like ass, but if I were so superficial as to leap everytime a pretty game came my way, I never would have fallen in love with Disgaea.

It's kind of like that blonde girl you see in front of the local bar. Sure, she looks nice from far away, but if you get close up you see that her face is painted on and she's actually pretty rancid-looking. Which is still pretty superficial, granted, but I never pretended to be anything else in that particular area, which is yet another reason why I will be forever single.

Advent: Lent without the sacrifice

Ahoy there, Andrew and Alloy,

Mind you, I'm not counting down the clock to the arrival of FF7: AC here in the states, but interested, to say the least. However, I would be disappointed if the story ended up being slopped up together with nothing more than generic evil doers. I didn't really care for FF:tSW, but I'll admit I was entertained by the situations the characters were in. I hope Advent Children doesn't meet that same fate, but probably not as bad, since this is a direct sequel to the game, and not a spin off of some sort.

I do wonder who they have in mind, when the team says a theme of the movie will be 'to save the children'. All children living on the planet? Also, what does Advent mean anyway? If it does have an actual meaning, that is. I could look it up, but laziness strikes. :-)


The advent of something refers either to its beginning or the period leading directly up to it. See, you learn all the important stuff in Kindergarten, and I learned that one from my evil teacher Mrs. Fischer who wore these crazy sixties-style horn-rimmed glasses and once took away all my stickers because I used too many of them which made me rather bitter as I recall (the fact that I can remember it to this day is probably a good indication, anyway.) What I'm referring to is the fact that we put out these "advent" candles on the first of December in anticipation of Christmas (or, as those crazy Churchmen call it, "Advent", which rhymes with "Lent", so it must be true.) This was, of course, back in the days when "fire" and "religion" and "anticipation" were allowed in Kindergarten, whereas nowadays it's all "build your careers you little milksops! Society sure as hell doesn't wanna feed you so if you know what's good for you you'll learn how to read and steal and cheat and build a multinational corporation on a foundation of lies and pudding as fast as you possibly can! THIS IS YOUR SCHOOL CAREER!"

So the upshot of it all is that "Advent Children" probably refers to the children after Meteor, and their experience in a changing Kindergarten environment. Don't be surprised if everyone's favorite cellphone, the PHS, makes a cameo in the movie! I hear it's got bonus ring tones and explodes whenever the kids fail to perform hostile takeovers.

Advent n. the arrival of something important or awaited. That's according to Encarta. I will admit that the entire FF:TSW deal has me in a conundrom (I so know I misspelled that). I want to beleive in the power of the japanese to create great stories out of anything, but TSW kind of threw me. If they had stuck with the Final Fantasy setting, it might not have sucked so much. I've got a lot riding on Advent Children. If this one sucks, I won't trust these people with a movie again. Look, I'll admit that it would be a little funny to bug poor...whoever it was who wrote that, but...uh...I know there's a downside somewhere...

N-dangered Species? Ugh, you just know that's gonna be a headline someday

Badda boom!

Vitness the first signs of the N-gage's fall:

(ed:RPGamer > Gamespot :D

That's so great.
Anyway... your topics:
Nomura is better than Amano.
Square better not f**k up Advent Children.
If the story is horrible (horrible like a naked Dan Akroyd) graphics won't save it.
Cows rule! Especially the orange ones.
Yadda yadda yadda...


I have no problems with either Nomura or Amano, but I started FF with 6 so Amano all the way. I gave you my thoughts on Advent Children in the previous letter. I like cows too. They moo...can you? Blah Blah Blah Yakkity Shmakkity.

Oooh, mortal enemies collide! This should be fun

Hey Andrew,

Guess what comes out in five days? I'll give you a few hints; the Vampire Killer, a Belmont, and Dracula. This is the series I'm always excited about when they come out, even though Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow disappointed me, and the fact that I'm really hoping that they'll release another level based Castlevania, instead of releasing them now as the series with RPG elements, because that type of gameplay is just getting old for the Castlevania series, where as the original Castlevania gameplay was based on levels(well, I think I should say stages instead), giving them much more replay value, which is why Super Castlevania 4 is my favorite game, along side a few others, but you already know.

Hey, anyways, I'm not short of the money, but hey Andrew, want to buy a SNES Final Fantasy 4, and I'll throw in a free spiffy, nifty, any cool word you can think of for a pathetic game like Tobal no. 1(with a few light scratches, because I bought it used) and comes with the Final Fantasy 7 demo disc. Yes, you can impress your friends with both the original US FF4, and the true japanese translation of FF7(atleast the first part), because I doubt they'd ever be impressed by a crap game like Tobal no. 1, and all this, for the low low low cost. Of 999.95. Yes you heard right, 999.95, you also get a picture of me hanging upside down from a ceiling fan.

Also, all you loyal Ogre Battle fans, check the one themes section when the person puts the new backgrounds up, it's my first background, but I like it, it basically has Ogre Battle written all over it, sortof, although no effects, because I did the entire thing on Paint. Andrew's seen it(so tell them what you think of it. It makes you want to go out and buy 20 copies of Ogre Battle, right, ok, that was a joke.).

And yes, Legend of Dragoon does suck.

Also, 7th Saga, Phantasy Star 3, Final Fantasy Mystic Quest(in it's own little way), Final Fantasy 5, Secret of Evermore, Beyond the Beyond(sortof) and Kartia do not suck.

All the other games that one guy said that they suck, well, do, especially Evolution and Final Fantasy 2.

-andrew- -kupomogli-

HEY! You said that picture would be impossible to take! Well that does it, I'll never believe a word you say nor post a letter from you until I get that picture and can spread it around the internet. MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I am so happy that you ended that next to last sentence with "do not suck" cause I don't care where you live, I would have hunted you down and *looks up and sees parental supervision* given you lemonade... *parental supervision gone* Lemonade filled with strychnine! Yeah! Okay, that sucked. Hey, wait, you have a picture of yourself hanging upside down from a ceiling fan?! I've got to see that one!

Boingy, boingy!

First of all, there is no part of me that will even pretend to like FF7:AV if the story isn't up to par with the rest of the FF tradition (or at least the good part of it). The thing is, though, that i really don't think that we have anything to worry about this time. This is for a few reasons, which I admit may just be hopefull thinking, but here goes anyways:

1. I like to think that Square (Enix) has learned there lesson from FF:tSW. It's not like anyone over there is thinking "boy, we sure did make one great movie, I wonder why no one liked it?" I think it's safe to say they're well aware of it's failure in that respect. So, assuming they have learned they're lesson (namely that graphics aren't the end all) then we can have some hope for FF7:AV.

2. They have a good story to work with. Unlike SW, this time S-E is working with an established story line, and one they know is popular to boot. Thus, assuming they continue it with the strength, depth, creativity and intelligence that they began with, we shouldn't be surpised to see a good story for AV. This, then, brings me to....

3. S-E itself has a special little place in their hearts for FF7. It's not like they don't realize what a great game they made. I like to think, then, that they will be smart enough not to mess with the tradition this game established unless they really have something great to tell us in this new movie.

Well, there you have it in short. Those three things pretty much convince me that this new movie might be everything that SW wasn't. And let's hope so, this might finally be the inside track to get my girlfriend to play a final fantasy (I know, i can't believe I have a girlfriend either).


I wouldn't count on the movie convincing your girlfriend to play the game. If she doesn't like Final Fantasy now, chances are swordfights and motorcycle chases aren't likely to alter that opinion a whole lot, unless she likes sexah characters like Sephiroth, in which case all you're doing is giving yourself competition - I hear that Sephiroth is a big hit with the ladies, so you'd better keep your girlfriend close and your PlayStation closer.

I like your reasoning, but if there is anything that life has taught me over the years it's that you can't trust anybody or anything, especially logic, reason, and hippies. I mean it's always best if you hope for the best but expect the worst. That way, you are pleasently surprised if life gives you lemonade and then okay with it when you die from the strychnine that was put in it by the psycho who doesn't like it when people say that Kartia sucks

Unfit For Print: the backfiring insult version

Everytime you do a column you are the biggest dicked headed jack ass. Just FYI.

Yes, to a fourteen-year old illiterate such as yourself, I doubtless appear to be well-endowed, but rest assured, you'll get there someday. Until such a time, please stop abusing the English language... It sent me a restraining order yesterday so if you can't get ahold of yourself I might have to post this column in German next week.

As a side note, if you're going to hate me, at least do so sensibly and let me know what it was I said that offended you so terribly. Else I'll have nothing but my apparently massive wang to console myself with.

*blink blink* Hey! I've only done this once before! Was I really that bad?! I'm sorry if I'm not good enough for you! You think it's easy being funny when compared to people like Andrew, Andrew and Goog?! This is tough work and I don't see you doing it, so I don't want any of your lip, you got me?! *sob* Why didn't you love me mom? Did I just write that? Well, this ain't going up any time soon...Damn!

Oh yes it is :D

Potatoes hide there notebooks under mattresses.
Now purple high heels - those I could see an ostrich liking.

Why would they hide them under the mattresses? Why not jsut hide them under the potato beds! Ha! I'm so funny!

That guy in the unfit for print letter yesterday didn't mention < br>Rhapsody or Legend of Dragoon because...DUN DUN DUN, they don't stick or anything of that nature. In fact they are pretty clean smelling from what I'm told. :)


btw Palidin's Quest = 2nd best game ever.

They may not "stick", as you say, but they certainly do blow.

Okay, if Paladin's Quest is the 2nd best game ever, what's the first?


Okay, no whining next week, I promise. Also, a less art-oriented bit of topickry, since nobody seemed overly fond of it. As such we will need something new, something so terrifying that the government tried to prevent me from bringing it to you in topic form. Actually I just thought of it, but I'd like to make it seem spookier and all since we are moving perilously close to Halloween. At any rate, as Kupomogli seems to think, there's a new Castlevania out soon. I'd be a little more sure about it, but we don't cover the game, so I really have no idea. Anyway, let's just talk about Castlevania in general. Favorite game? Favorite system for the game? Favorite... moment? How about that horrible voice acting they always manage to dredge up?

On that note, I shall bid you good weekend, and remember: to end war, the galaxy is in Orion's Belt. Which is to say, Megaman X3, come on down!

Well, another Q&A has gone by and I'm not dead yet. I wonder why… Oh yeah, I didn't give you my e-mail address, so you couldn't e-bomb me. I'll change that this week. Last time you didn't have and e-mail address to send rants at me, now you have no excuse to bug Andrew when you have a problem with me. Just sent me a rant that you thought long and hard about and make sure that you tell me what the e-mail is about and how long it took you to write it. I'll make sure to make note of that when I delete the cursed thing! Ha ha ha ha ha! Whoa…evil side is attempting full takeover. Eh…why resist? Evil is in everyone and as long as there is a person who surrenders completely to good at the same time, there is a balance in the world.

Oh, and I'm dressing up as Faust from Guilty Gear X for Halloween! How about that! I have the right height. I know I'm not 9'3" and I don't weigh 121 lbs. But I am 6'4" and weigh about 135, so I'm about as close as a real human's gonna get. If only I could get the rest of the crew in on it. I could have a decent Kliff, Potempkin, Anji, Chipp, Baiken, Johnny, May and a slightly chubby Dizzy. Ah well, I guess you can't have everything. If you could, then I'd have to hunt you down and steal your power so I could have everything! Then life would be a fun place filled with anime and games and books and music for all! Unlimited suppli es of everything and it would all be free. *sigh* *shakes head* That was fun! I've got to try that sometime. Oh, sorry, forgot about you. Uh…keep sending in those letters and Andrew will continue to make fun of you…I mean, answer them. >8^()
Andrew Long turned on the lights and suddenly a cat appeared.

Alloy is waiting desperately for October 31st so he'll get paid and can finally own Disgaea!



Okay, so it was an 11th-inning debacle... I was close, eh?

The Mark of tuinte
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