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Tattled Turtle Title

Andrew Long - September 5, 2004 17:31 EDT

WELL THEN. The votes are in, the poll is up, and we have our five (okay, seven) finalists. We also have a mess of other letters to get to, since I've been leaving all the rest of you non-contest neglectorinos out in the dark whilst I run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying desperately to calculate votes. So, to follow will be the top seven entries, and of course, a sampling of the more painful entries I had to endure. Also, Locke has failed to appear, so we're going to have to do this by proxy.


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Finalist number one


I would personally call it Azala, the reptite from Chrono Trigger who tried to rule the world...I figure reptite's were similar to reptiles...turtle's are a reptiles. Reptites enjoyed the falling red star (Lavos)...maybe your turtle would try to summon Lavos? Woudln't that be cool? Anyways, I'd go with Azala.


Frank, if that is his real name, was one of three people who suggested Azala. Since I failed to include a contingency plan in the official rules about what would happen if multiple entries came up with the same name, I'll take care of that here: where multiple entrants had the same name and were judged to be finalists, a number was selected at random based upon how many entrants selected a name, and then the corresponding entry was chosen. In case you're curious, Frank was the third person to pick Azala, but in a delightful bit of biblical logic, the last came first in my inbox, and as the number one was the number chosen, he was the lucky guy. Isn't that exciting?

Finalist number two

Name the turtle Docta Chompa because I have a turtle and the little devil alwasys chomps at my hands.
Nick Michal

Well, I'm not quite sure what that little Kirby symbol is supposed to be, but you've got my vote! On the downside, it appears Docta is currently running sixth, so I don't think he's captured very many other hearts at this point.

Finalist number three

Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club?

How 'bout Gamera for your turtle?
Gamera is the protector of humankind, esp. young, he has 9 movies so far. He can fly and breath fire and his shell is very strong.
Truly yours,
Allison MOO

Loathe though I am to include Austin Powers humour in this column (save of course, for the one MILLION dollars joke), Allison defeated the six other Gamera entrants by virtue of being Gamera letter number five, and thus she is their representative... Their champion, if you will! And I will, since Gamera is the champion of all things holy, or at least all things that fear other things that knock down Tokyo Tower when they're feeling peckish.

Finalist number four

I think Zach should name his turtle Iggy, because he was always the coolest of the Koopa Kids. I mean, come on, he had RAINBOW HAIR (at least in one of the mario's he did). and he walked on a ball! I'm sure im not the first one to think of this name and mail you it, but if i am, then um... send out smoke signals. I'll watch the skies.

- Calebros

Calebros was the most contested entrant to get his name selected, and against all his expectations, he was in fact the first person to think of that name (although thanks to the flip-flop magic of email, he was christened number two). You see, I just wasn't content having random numbers decide things when only two people selected the same name, and so I appointed MSN or IRC rock-paper-scissors champions to settle matters. For Iggy Koopa, in corner number one, we had Desh, our guides updater extraordinaire, and in corner number two, RPGamer alumnus Doug "Stom" Hill, aka Uncle Stom, who currently slaves away in a basement somewhere to bring us all a GBA title of some sort that he promises to give me more details about as soon as he can. Anyhow, the match was a fearsome tilt, deadlocked after five rounds when BOTH contestants picked paper-paper-paper-paper-scissors in that order. Finally, in round number six, Desh messaged me Paper again, and it was that fifth paper that was the fatal error, as Doug's scissors cleaved him in two, ending the struggle and crowning Calebros the king of Iggy. Of course, right now, it's a moot point, because Iggy sits in fourth, but he's still within striking distance!

Incidentally, MSN (or IRC) rock paper scissors is very easy to play. You just take the two players, a neutral third party, and have them message that third person rock, paper or scissors! It's the perfect means of settling even the most heated discussion!

Finalist number five


First off, in reference to a video game featuring the overthrow of an oppressive government, the first Suikoden game is probably the best example of this (the second, while much better, and may somewhat fit the description, was slightly more about invasion/occupation than an actual government in place...though the leaders of the City-States were kind of dumb-tards...). You don't end up saving the world, just killing your father and the Emperor he loves! Woohoo!

Much as the spoiler statute of limitations on Suikoden has expired, I should still disqualify you for ruining Suikoden for me (even as obvious as it is what will probably happen.)

Second off...(or on, perhaps?) to the guy who thinks you and he are the only men out there who loved FF8, you're wrong! I love that game oh so much. Though I've lately begun to think it might just be because of my strange love for Edea, and my odd witch fetish that I've recently theorized that I must have ...Hmmm.

As for that silly little turtle...I vote we name him...Kumama. Forget Mog, Kumama was SOOOOO the coolest moogle in FFVI. Kumama rocks.

Pretending to be Spanish-ly yours,
El Tommo

I concur! Kumama was indeed the coolest of the moogles, especially with that crazy spear he had (or was Kumama a boomerang moogle? Well, it doesn't matter! He's still the greatest!) Unfortunately, he has yet to catch on as a turtle name; at the moment, he languishes in dead last on the poll with less than five percent of the total vote.

Finalist number six

Lakitu, of the Mario series.

Why? He's Lakitu! Come on, you all know Lakitu. Annoying cloud guy who hurles down the spikey turtles. We all hate him... but we all like him! Woooo! Lakitu!


That's good enough for me, and if you look closely, I think Lakitu is, in fact, a turtle himself, so all the better!

Finalist number seven

I always thought Tortimer the mayor from animal crossing was a cool guy. I myself am a big Animal Crossing fan.

RPGamer fan,

I'll have you know that two people came up with Tortimer, but one of them tempted fate by saying "This should be enough answers to either win or get disqualified!" And hey, presto - not only was it a finalist name, but because the rules clearly state ONE name and one name only, it's enough to get him disqualified too! So John, you are a finalist because of the two sweetest words in the English language - de-fault!

Unfit for Entry

I think the turtle's name should be Dyne (pronounced Dine). I think this because Dyne is a different name, that not to many people of heard of before if at all. Also Dyne rhythms with time. I say this because the turtle is expected to live for at least another fifty years if not more.Dyne is also a name the you really can't bored with because it isn't used at all, also it is as human as I can make without making it a normal name such as Luke or something like that. Yet the name works in a RPG, Think about it most male charters in a RPG could easily be named Dyne.

Thats what I would name my turtle.

First off, anyone who's played Lunar has heard of that name, because it's the name of the main character's hero. Second off, words don't rhyme with other words just because turtles live for fifty years. Finally, you're trying to name a turtle, not a human, so you weren't really supposed to make it a normal name, so the only award you win is the trifecta of dumbass! CONGRATULATIONS!


I do apologize again for not getting to any of the legitimate letters this weekend, but I promise: next Friday I'll serve up a heaping platter of column, laden with at least ten letters and six quickies. For now, I leave you to Googleshng, who I am reasonably certain never wants to see a turtle again. Let's all show him gratitude for putting up with our madness, and keep following the poll to see who wins!
Andrew Long automatically disqualified any TMNT entries, because Ninja Turtles are not to be taken lightly.



Random stat: most given entry was "Adamantoise" with 22 entrants and three variants. And no, we still didn't like it.

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