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I Have Misplaced My Pants!

Andrew Long - August 8, 2004 18:50 EDT

SO, TIRED OF MISSING SATURDAY COLUMNS? Well, so am I, but apparently nobody bothers to write me, whether or not I get Friday's column up on time, so I guess we'll all just have to make do with two columns yet again this weekend. Well... Unless you count that placeholder from earlier.

Anyway, I'm irked. I can't post a column with fewer than five letters as per newfangled guidelines decreeing such, and when I don't get that fifth letter until midnight, when I'm already tired from working all day, a common Saturday activity around here, it tends to hinder the arrival of señor column. So please, do me a favour next week and send me some blasted letters on Saturday. They don't have to be good letters, but for the love of everything that is good and filled with creamsicle filling (namely, creamsicles), I need letters in order to write this column.



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The kupomogli LJ

Mommy, Where Do Chocobos Come From?

Rubber Ducky
You're so fine
Unless you're haunted
Then you're an official ebay scam

You'd better avoid Moll flanders, My friend

Is there any explanation that I missed/forgot for the seemingly arbitrary capitalization of organizations in FF7+8 (like, SeeD or SOLDIER) ? It seems silly, and since I never noticed any acronym anywhere, I imagine the news anchors shouting the capitalized parts (ie, " ***AVALANCHE!!!!!*** has claimed responsbility for the attacks...") and think that there's gotta be some substance behind it. Any ideas?


There is no explanation, sad to say. The unfortunate fact of the matter is, the random capitalization of SeeD was just there in a misguided attempt to ratchet up the coolness factor, and as for the FFVII stuff, I usually chalk that up to incompetence on the part of the translators, which, given the state of much of the rest of the translation, seems a fairly accurate assessment to me. Of course, I could be wrong; but is it likely that SeeD really stands for Specialized emergency enforcement Detachments, or See Dick (insert verb here; suggested: "mope angstily")?

Patience is a virtue yadablah

Shenmue Online was a surprise, indeed; however, what has become of Shenmue 3? Well, somebody asked Suzuki if and when Shenmue 3 would be made, and he replied "you'll see", at E3.

I'm not that stoked about the newly announced online title, as it's just another popular franchise to milk into an MMORPG. I will patiently await my Shenmue 3.


Wait patiently as you will, but given the fact that Shen Mue 3 was originally planned ages ago, I think it's probably ended up on the same shelf in that money pit under Square Enix headquarters (what good, after all, is a money pit if you can't rent out space, generating even more money?) that stores the PSX FF remakes. And no, no they aren't coming out. Ever. Go find something constructive to do, like Shen Mue Online. Well... Actually, that's about as constructive as a tonne of dynamite, so maybe you should just stare at a wall somewhere. Trust me - after a few hours, you'll go crazy and your brain will be all the entertainment you'll need!

Oh, the frivolity

Pretty soon I'll be hosting the biggest dinner party of my life. My boss is coming, along with his 7 and 9 year old daughters. I'm hoping to impress him enough with my culinary prowress that he'll want to give me this big promotion I've been eyeing for the past two months, so I'll be able to afford this sweet rockin' man mobile corvette. However, I have run into a problem, and I desperately need your help. So Castomel, what wine goes best with human flesh?


Well, if you're eating human, then naturally, you should drink human too! I hear there was this great vintage year a couple millenia back that was really banging... In fact, some churches still claim they've got some kicking around in the basement, so if you're strapped for cash, you could always go mug your local vicar. Of course, you'll prolly go to hell for it, but hey - after furnishing this answer, I'll be there to wave you in on the way down!

Shen Mue 3: the Japanese DNF?


Just thought I'd toss in my own two cents about Shenmue Online. Those two cents would be that MMORPGs are inherently related to all things Evil, and henceforth, you will probably feel opposite on the subject as I do... So... What's your opinion on the matter?

~ The GOOD Twin

After my experience with stupid FFXI garbageface, I would have to agree with you on that matter. MMORPGs are cheap cash grabs that function on roughly the same level as an IRC chatroom, and since you can get into those without paying a dime, I see no reason to grow even remotely excited about any MMORPG. Except for WoW, but that's only because Blizzard has never made a bad game.

Golden Sun.. my most hated foe

Dear Andrew,

I've had the game Golden Sun for a year and i'm still stuck on putting the colored statues in order. I put the blue one in the middle, the red one northwest of it, the green one northeast of it, the orange one southwest of it, and the purple one southeast of it and the door in the same room still won't open.I've worked so hard to get this far,please, i'm begging you to help me!!!


Have you been using your Psynergy, my dear? Because if you haven't, I'm really rather disappointed in you. There is, after all, absolutely nothing remarkable at all in a Camelot game besides the mind-rotting, stomach-busting, nail-driving-into-forehead thrill that comes from using the stupid tools they provide you with to complete the inane puzzles that litter each of the many crappy, poorly thought out dungeons that are scattered throughout their titles like so much garbage, which is actually a rather apt analogy. At any rate, use Ivan's Psynergy, and you'll discover that the statues should be placed thusly:
* Red shines northwest of Violet
* Yellow shines northeast of Green
* Red shines due west of Blue
* Violet shines southeast of Yellow
* Violet shines southeast of Red

Since it would probably ruin the spiteful glee of the idiotic level designers at Camelot were I to let you in on the exact configuration, I'll just spell it out for you:


Don't no one never say I didn't do nothin' for nobody. SEXTUPLE NEGATIVES ARE YOUR FRIEND (and you can't spell sextuple without sex, so that's got to be good!)!!

Perhaps I was a bit harsh

::Emerges with a hung head::

Castopuzzler, it seems as though someone else beat me to the solution. I personally liked my "bizarre" explanation, but, hey, whatever. Good show, Castro!

As for the game you mentioned in yesterday's intro, the only "new-game-that-everyone's-talking-about" I can think of is Doom 3. I know it's not an RPG, but hey, why not digress for a bit? Hey, I just played Counter-Strike on LAN for the first time- a BIG deal for someone who normally avoids FPS like the plague. To describe this feeling, I must resort to haiku:

First person shooter
your blood spills like summer storm
head shots are so lame

Sweet merciful Bahamut, did I write that? I'm such a horrible person... *weep* Now, to sear my flesh in penance...

"Read my mind, yes, I'm planning prevenge" -TMBG

There, there. Your bizarre explanation provided much-needed levity in this, the gravest of columns since "Ask John Smith 1695's Zombie."


Whatever... you KNOW you take yourself too seriously, you rotting pile of flesh!

Unfit for Print

ive been hearing rumours about this game working only on Japanese versions of PS2s is this true? also wasnt the game supposed to be out in canada in MARCH?!

how come its so late?!

Do you have any idea of how the video game market works? Games come out in Japan first; for instance, let's just randomly pick a release date like, oh, say, MARCH?! Now, if a game comes out in Japan, just supposing, on... oh, MARCH?! 18th, it is subsequently funneled into the arcane world of translation, where it will emerge several months hence as either a glimmering translation (say, Mario and Luigi) or Final Fantasy Tactics. At this point, developers have one of two choices; they can either release it inmediately, or they can wait until the holiday season, like... just supposing we pick a date purely at random, on November 2, 2004.

In conclusion, the rumours are true: currently, only Japanese consoles will run Inuyasha, unless you're a devious assassin and you have a modded PS2. Otherwise, you get to wait until November like the rest of whoever it is that wants to play an Inuyasha game. Now please, stop whining and remember: Canada, however many american nickels I melt down and decorate with beavers as a part of the arcane ritual I perform every Tuesday (half price absinthe in September!) in an effort to make things otherwise, is not the center of the universe. Deal.


Well then. I now return you to the frenzied begging for letters that so dominated this space a few short hours ago. In the interests of continuity, next time we shall discuss what ever Google comes up with, as long as it's not "stuff" or "things". Then again, I suppose such broadness does leave you open to lots of selection, which I know some of you appreciate. Like me - I go now to choose between chocolate and orange creamsicles, though we all know what the results of that will be. Nonetheless, I should hope that all of your troubles are similarly creamsicle-related. Until whenever, that is all.
Andrew Long still hasn't located those pesky pantaloons...



So I wrote the column in my boxers... Is that so wrong?

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